oooh. aaah.

Listening To : Clocks -- Coldplay! :D
Eating : Yummy chocolates.
Activity[s] : Hanging out, lighting incense, and loving my life. ♥

I had a really good day, today.
I got to see two people I really like, and hang out with Alex!
That was cool. xD

But yes.
So I hung out with Eric the Asian. ;D
Which was amazing, if I may say..
I won't go into too many details, but it was fantabulous.
I miss that kid so much, all the time.
Ughhh.

And then. Alex and Wishiah came over after driving school, which was also AMAZING.
Because I got to see Wishiah. Which made me very happy. :D
And then the four of us went downtown.
Where Wishiah and I ditched the boys in Victoria's Secret, so we could run off and be alone together.
ps. I just added Wishiah into firefox's spellcheck dictionary. ;D

Anyway.
I had a good day.

Just thought I would share that magical information with you. (:

HOLY BEES NEST. relationship central, babay. lifechange!

Listening To : I dunno. Whatever comes on shuffle. :D
Activity[s] : Drawing! Being Alyssa. Haha.

Two things.

1. Im single.
2. Im in love.
Okay not in love in love, Just figuratively. If thats possible... But yes. Its going to be a looong time before I decide Im in love again, trust me.

So. Nik came down to visit [about goddamn time, its been what? three years?], and I pretty much died of happiness.
Happiness coupled, of course, with horrible life-ruining doubt about everything i ever thought, ever.
But I love him for it, right now.
Because there was nothing more I needed than just a massive, 9.0 earthquake to shake me off of the foundations Ive built myself out of nothing but misguided logic and false emotion.
And good lord, that kid is adorable.
And, when I told him that, he asked me to tell him why, specifically. I, of course, didnt. "You just are!"
So. In order to appease the masters of the universe...

Reasons why Nik is freaking adorable :
1. Hes really, really cute.
2. He pokes at me and hits me and harasses me like a 2nd grade boy thats decided he likes someone.
3. Hes honest with me! He tells me cute things, like that he never thought of me as a plaything [SCORE!], and that he's "always had a crush on me".
4. Even though he's like, 19 [in 3 days!], he does all these really cute, innocent, shy little things. Like reach for my hand, barely touch it, pull back, and then wait for me to figure it out and hold it.
5. "I always feel stupid when I miss you."
"Why would you feel stupid?"
"Because its like.. Wanting something I just can't have."
"What makes you think you couldn't have me?"
'Nough said.
6. When presented with my hands, and me saying "Make my hands warm.", he does exactly the right thing -- open his jacket for me to hug him.
7. He doesn't yell at me for writing notes instead of saying things aloud.
8. Hes content with just holding me.
9. Together, we're horrifically awkward and unsure, and I really, really like it. I miss having someone who isn't like "BAM. HELLO THERE, MAKE OUT WITH ME. WANNA FUCK?"
10. Ive liked him for 6 years. Im biased.

SEE!? It is so much easier for me to write things like that out.
If he'd handed me a sheet of paper and a pen, I could have done it, I just KNOW it.

But even if I wanted to [which I obviously do, what the hell did you expect?!], I won't be able to see him for at least a year. He's off saving the world or some such [aka. joining the coast guard. goodie.]
Im such a dumb blonde.
As SOON as he left last night [for like, 10 minutes. and i was supposed to leave, but didn't, cause my grandma needed a picture, so he had to come back and do that.. but in between that!], I sat down and started crying.
In front of his dad, and his grandma, and my grandma [and obviously my mother]. And lamenting, aloud, LOUD ENOUGH FOR THEM TO HEAR, about how tragic this all was.
And on, and on, and on I went.
I dont even want to know what his dad was thinking, as Im sitting there sobbing about how much I like his kid.
Selfish as it may be, all I can do is HOPE he said something to Nik about it on their drive home today. Seriously.
"Oh, hey. That girl? She really likes you, dude. She sat down and cried."
And you know?
Despite anything Nik could say, Im still worried he'd think I was completely and utterly ridiculous for crying about it.

So.
Then I got to thinking.
He'd hug me, and Id feel perfect. We were sitting there, his arms wrapped around me, and all I could think about was how happy I was in that. exact. second. Which isn't something Ive done in a while -- Im always worrying about things that happened three minutes ago or that will happen tomorrow, I never focus on the present.
But nothing was wrong. I was perfectly content to just sit there, stare off into space, and exist.
And the one time he kissed me?
My heart skipped a beat, my emotions did a summersault, and I was about to cry I was so happy. I had to bury my face into him to keep tears from forming.
BUT.
When Preston hugs me? I just sort of want to push him away... I don't feel safe and protected, I feel overly-depended-upon. And thats a really, really scary feeling.
One that I just cannot deal with.
I mean. To have someone put you in a position where you're their entire life? Thats the most nerve-wracking, trapping thing ever.
I stopped feeling anything when he kissed me or held me or touched me a looong time ago. The only reason I stuck around was because a) I was sure I loved him, and b) He needed me.
That, and he was just a constant. Something comfortable and normal in my life... And something I was proud of, I guess. I mean. We nearly hit 10 months. And he was the first guy I ever actually got that I wanted and pursued and all that. AND. I put up a huuuuge fight for him last year and over the summer.

But you know.
Now that I think about it.
Sometimes I just sort of feel like everything I did, everything I gave up, all of the drama and tears and heartbreak and betrayal I submitted myself to... It just means nothing to him.
Like, he knows it happened, sure. But I think instead of realizing just what it did to me, he just feels proud of himself, because his first relationship was so full of drama. Drama all centered around HIM.
And that, that alone, is enough to turn me off to the whole idea.
I pretty much ruined my life for him.
And... Thats just a really sucky relationship.

So, I broke up with him.
End of story. (:
And don't ask me if we'll get back together, because honestly, I couldn't tell you.
And like I said, the more I think about it...?
I don't really want to. I mean. Im realizing, as my mind is clearing of my blindness from love, that it really, really sucked.

i wanna start all over.

Under Your Spell
Cosmic Gate [ft. Aruna]

Counting out the hours
Like the beat of a song
I feel like a stranger
Wondering where I belong
I wanna start all over
But I know that I can’t
I’m helpless without you
I don’t know who I am

I’m under your spell
Bound and blind and only you can save me
I’m tangled up inside
Caught in your web
I’m hypnotized and only you can wake me
Only you can bring this heart to life

Colors feel so faded
And I can’t hear a sound
I’m walking in circles
Watching my world burn down
There’s nothing else to fight for
Cuz you’re all that I know
I’m stuck in your shadow
Letting you take control

I’m under your spell
Bound and blind and only you can save me
I’m tangled up inside
Caught in your web
I’m hypnotized and only you can wake me
Only you can bring this heart to life

So pull me in and don’t let go
I wanna fall forever
I wanna overflow
If there’s some way out, don’t let me know
I don’t wanna come to
It’s too big to undo
I need to be near you
I can’t keep away…
Under your spell
I’m under your spell

I’m under your spell
Bound and blind and only you can save me
I’m tangled up inside
Caught in your web
I’m hypnotized and only you can wake me
Only you can bring this heart to life

~*~

My world is in a tiny blue bottle, with a tiny cork stopper,
strung on a tiny chain hung from a tiny nail on an endless expanse of black.
The light, refracted through that imperfect blue, swirls its colour into this milky existence,
and all I can do is watch as that colour spirals and blossoms, invading my diluted imaginings of perfection.
I want to run through that beauty, to that shimmering glass wall, and burst through it in a cloud of glittering cobalt slivers of what has suddenly become my tiny prison.
But doubt pours in as I take that first step; the level rises and rises, until I'm fighting to stay above the surface, lips gasping for breath... Fighting for freedom, fighting for the light, fighting for everything.
Everything is nothing, and nothing is everything; any fragment of certainty vanishes, my body goes limp, and the light seems to fade. The black returns.
Doubt dissipates, and that tiny blue vial seems like home; the glass keeps away the darkness, and in turn, blocks out the light.
Reasons form, and then fade, pierced by that light, as it tries to illuminate my silhouette.
A glimmer of hope, as the light glows against an outstreched hand.
But I am reaching for something I cannot grasp, and the currents of doubt tug at my soul.
I am reaching for something I cannot grasp, and so my reasons will have to do.

sad face.

I hate anything that is unreciprocated.
Because then, I just feel like a complete and utter fool.

I was talking earlier about how much I missed Preston, etc etc.
Well. I was all excited, because earlier today, he had said I would see him tonight.
And then this evening, he was like "Oh, I'll see you after I do homework."
And I was like YAY! Because I miss him, you know.

Well anyway.
I get a series of texts :
"Hey."
"Are you free?"
"Im not going to see you tonight, sorry."

And I almost burst into tears right then, because he'd been making me look forward to this [like he does] since 3 this afternoon. And so I convinced him to come see me.
Well. As he waited for his dad to fall asleep, i guess he [either accidentaly or intentionally -- which, due to the fact he never ever keeps his word and I can hardly trust him, is what I'm thinking...] fell asleep. Blowing me off. Again.

And so now I just feel like a complete idiot, because I really really miss him.
And he clearly doesn't miss me nearly as much.
And so I make a huge deal out of something Im really excited about, that he couldn't care less about...
Do you see why I feel so stupid?
I just spent 10 minutes trying to bawl silently, for fear of waking my brother up.
But geez.
It kills me to think I can miss someone so much, and have them not miss me at all.

And its not like this is the first time this has happened.
I don't even know, sometimes.
I have a seriously hard time trusting anything he says he'll do.
And that kills me.
And is making me cry again, just thinking about it.

Alas.

I can't sleep, but I'm off to lay in bed and stare at the cieling, blinking back tears and imagining a world where people would finally miss me just as I miss them.

im burnin' for you.

Listening To : Burning For You -- Blue Oyster Cult [imagine that!]
Activity[s] : Not doing homework, snuggling into Preston's sweatshirt because it smells like him.

Dude.
I love it.
Guys always make their clothes smell like them.
And its amazing.
I get to sit here, wrapped in yummy-smelling boy, when I haven't seen the actual yummy-smelling boy in two days!
TWO WHOLE DAYS.
This is crazy.
I mean, generally I see him every day of my life.. Cause.. We just like being together, I don't know. xD
My mother is shocked and amazed. :p

Also.
This is my second post in two days.
Which is bloody amazing, if you ask me. :D

1. I got a job!
My psychiatrist [of all people] found this job for me, looking after this 11 year old girl for a couple hours after school a few days of week, so her grandma, who is raising her, can have some time to herself.
The girl is apparently really self-sufficient, and just doesn't like to be home alone for that long.
So I'll make 10 bucks an hour, for about 2 hours 3 times a week, just hanging out with this little girl...
Who sounds amazing, by the way. As I was hanging up from talking to the grandma, she goes "Don't forget to tell her I'm weird!"
Most amazing little girl ever? Yes.
So on thursday Im going to go over there to meet them and such, and I'm really looking forward to it.

2. I saw my daddy today!
That was awesome, haha. I miss him so much.
I have so much fun just talking to him, its fantabulous.
We shared music/youtube videos. My two main videos were We Didn't Start The Flame War and David Blaine's Street Magic.
If you don't know what Im talking about, you should watch both, because they are BRILLIANT. :D
But we have many awesome moments.
"Yeah, when Im in a meeting, and I need to tell one of my collegues something, I'll text it to them. You know, if its not appropriate for the rest of the team."
"What do you say?! 'Hey dude. My buttitches.'"
That was a nice moment. :D

Im off to listen to strange musics, now, so toodles. :D

hey hey.

Activity[s] : Should be cleaning my room, thats for sure. :D

For lack of a better title, hey! Whats up! How goes it.

Ive been dead for what seems like forever, haven't said anything worthwhile in ages, and yeah.
I feel remotely bad about it, ya know?
Ive been so unbelievably busy with school and everything, that everything else has just fallen away. Poof! Gone.
But I'm trying to fix that.
I've actually been talking to people on msn, instead of just signing in! How crazy is THAT?!
I was pretty impressed.

So anyway.
My room is a horiffic mess, hahaha. And so today Im half-working on cleaning it up, at least enough so I can comfortably sit at my desk to do my mountains upon mountains of homework. Pretty exciting, if you ask me. :D
Only not really.

There isn't much that's new in my life. Im taking a weaving class at school, which is pretty rad.
Appeals to my crafty-ness.
Check it out:


If I could find the other one [its plaid! that was a lot of work] I'd show you that too.
But unfortunately, in my cleaning, Ive managed to misplace it.
But when I DO find it, I'll be sure to show you.

So.
Im doing well in school, blah blah blah. All that good stuff. :p
I have only had one late assignment! Which is a huge deal for me, because.. It just is.
Ive been trying really, really hard this year.
And I intend to get a 4.0.

OH HAY GUESS WHAT.
On December 15, I get to see Nik.
Yeah, thats right. The kid I haven't seen in 3 years?
Dude the last time I saw him, I got my first kiss. After everything, that seems like eons ago.
And Im really freaking excited, you know that? Like, omg. I could DIE Im so excited.
I've been waiting for this for SO LONG. Because I've wanted to make this crazy impression on him... Just look beautiful, be bright and cheery and flirty, and I guess just make him wish he'd talked to me more.
And I'll be damned if I don't intend to work my girlish charm to its upper limit. WITHOUT looking like a total whore, considering Im not really a single girl, hahaha.
But you'll see.
It will be pretty bad ass.

On Friday I saw 2012 with Emma.
It was amazing, if I may just say that.
Like, really. I expected it to be just a "OMG THINGS EXPLODING INTO DOOM." movie [which it was!], but it also turned out to have this amazing storyline, focusing on a little group of people, and Emma and I were constantly like "OH MY GOD WHAT IF SHE LOVES HIM." And it was just really.. good.
I was on the edge of my seat the entire time, fingers crossed, because pretty much the entire movie, they were mere INCHES from death and destruction.
But you know, I thought it was very realistic how so many people just.. died. No fanfare, no big thing.. People just died. That's all there was to it.
There was this interesting plot element, where the main character had written this hopelessly unpopular book about Atlantis. And as the movie progresses, and one of the main characters talks about the book, it ends up paralleling what is happening in real life [for them]... It was utterly fascinating. The guy reading it eventually launched into this speech about how that book would survive, how it would be safe, merely because he was reading it.
Last thing.
Despite it being horribly depressing [good lord, (almost) everyone DIES], it was also both funny and inspiring. Really. There were these random moments of humor ["Car? On."], and moments that really made you think about how life works [in the form of people that saw beyond themselves, and their own safety, in order to either save or just comfort others...].
AND A BLACK GUY PLAYED THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT. :D

Now. I go back to cleaning. ;D

I don't got all night.

If You Want To
Weezer

The moon was shining on the lake at night
The Slayer t-shirt fit the scene just right
Smeared mascara, I looked into your eyes, I saw a light
You told me stories about your chickadees
They didn’t like BB guns or stupid archery
John the lifeguard, he let them use the pool all day for free

Then the conversation stopped, and I looked down at my feet
I was next to you and you were right there next to me
Then I said go!
If you’re wondering if I want you, (I want you to) I want you to
So make a move, (Make a move) ‘cos I ain’t got all night

The rest of the summer was the best we ever had
We watched Titanic, and it didn’t make us sad
I took you to Best Buy, you took me home to meet your Mom and Dad
Your Mom cooked meatloaf even though I don’t eat meat
I dug you so much, I took some for the team
Your dad was silent, his eyes were fixed on what was on TV

Then the conversation stopped, and I looked down at the ring
Your folks were next to you, and you were right there next to me
Then I said go!
If you’re wondering if I want you, (I want you to) I want you to (I want you to)
I swear it’s true (I swear it’s true) without you, my heart is blue
Go!
If you’re wondering if I want you, (I want you to) I want you to
So make a move, (Make a move) ‘cos I ain’t got all night

So much pain may come our way
There may come a day when we have nothing left to say
When the conversation stops, and we’re facing our defeat
I’ll be next to you and you’ll be right there next to me

Then I’ll say go!
If you’re wondering if I want you, (I want you to) I want you to (I want you to)
I swear it’s true (I swear it’s true) without you, my heart is blue
Go!
If you’re wondering if I want you (I want you to) I want you to
So make a move, (Make a move) ‘cos I ain’t got all night

oh by the way...

POEM[S]!

masochist.

you know that biting
the tender skin below my
ear will always set

my hands to shaking,
and that bruises will be worth
more in the morning

than quiet whispers.
you know that the sharp snap of
your hips into mine

is never enough,
that sex feels good but the ache
feels better. what you

don't know is that i'm
afraid that one winter day
you'll shatter my heart

and when i ask why
you'll just say, "well, i know you
like it when it hurts."
at deviantART

. - by estallidos at deviantART

hipbone connected to the...

dear-

i'm writing you a letter
on the back of my hand
shake and shiver because sometimes
the winter is colder than i hope
you think about me every now and again

i'm falling through the pages of a book i've never read
between the lines of the shapes the streets make
me believe that you aren't as confused as i am
forgetting about poison in my veins and my heart
beats a broken rhythm
drum into submission and i watch as it dies
the black ink bleeding through my body
of water is never as deep as it seems
you've forgotten me and the way i love you
feel so cheap on my skin

i hope you remember and tell me
please
love me.

- by ohsostarryeyed at deviantART

nonexistent people.

"something's wrong."

"what makes you say that?"

"your shirt is white."

"so?"

"so, it's just white. there's nothing on it- no dirt, no ink, no blood."

"i guess you're right."

"so, what's wrong?"

"i don't remember how to speak."

"you're talking right now."

"that's irrelevant."

"yeah?"

"yeah. i'm running my mouth but i'm saying nothing. i'm thinking all these things, and i can't say them. i'm sitting straight but everything is angled and i think i'm falling when i'm only standing still."

"i think you said that very well."

"then maybe i forgot how to see."

"have you?"

"maybe. i'm missing something. like something that's on the tip of my nose and i won't cross my eyes to see it. "

"cross your eyes."

"no."

"why not?"

"i don't want my eyes to get stuck."

"look at me."

"hi."

"what do you see?"

"your eyes are sad. you have a crooked mouth. your hands never touch flatly on your thighs. you look wrong, but beautiful. oh- sorry. i shouldn't say that."

"i don't think you're blind."

"i don't know. maybe i have forgotten how to hear."

"hear, or listen?"

"i can listen. i know what you say isn't what you mean, i can taste the fear on the back of my tongue when you look in only one of my eyes and say, 'no, i'm not afraid.' i can listen to the way your hands shake and your eyes dart to the left when you're nervous. but i can't fucking hear for the life of me."

"what does my heart sound like?"

"it sounds like it's crying, but sometimes like a nuclear explosion."

"i think you can hear just fine. and your sense of taste is alright, as well."

"and smell and taste are connected, right? fuck- i don't know what's wrong with me. maybe i can't feel. maybe i can't live."

"why can't you just be alright?"

"because i can't be wrong. i want to know what i'm missing, i want to know why i can't breathe."

"what are you doing?"

"controlled hyperventilation. i'm breathing, and it's beautiful. it's as beautiful as you. i can breathe and taste and see and smell and hear and feel and listen and i can't stop shaking or crying and i'm falling to pieces, but it's so fucking beautiful because it means i'm not dead."

- by ohsostarryeyed at deviantART

dark sarcasm?

Listening To : Pjanoo -- Eric Prydz ; Proper Education -- Eric Prydz vs. Floyd

My friends are fucking morons, I'd like to say that now.
Im kind of pissed off about it, too. Like. Shit.

As if my life isn't fucked over enough.
We have 140 bucks til' the end of the month. Im already gonna have to choose between internet and the cell phone, and to be honest, I haven't decided yet.
There's not ONE goddamn thing in this house I actually want to EAT; I've been barely surviving by eating at my boyfriend's like.. Every night. o.o
AND. School starts in two days, and I still don't have a fucking BINDER, let alone paper to put in it, or pens to write on it with. And of course, I haven't a thing to wear.

But yes.
As if all of that wasn't bad enough, I have the people I count on most to cheer me up and make me forget about all the lovely shit in my life are going and adding to it.
Okay well not all of them. Most of them are pimpin', as usual.

Friend #1:
Throwing a bitch fit because of a delicious rift in our group of friends, centered around mainly one person.
One person that I am totally associated with, considering hes my fucking boyfriend.
And because she is all like "OMG NO AVOID LIKE PLAGUE.", it makes me have to choose between her or him.
And, to top it all off, her idiocy is making OTHER people have to choose too, because she flips out at them if they hang out with the boy.
Im trying to use absolutely no names at all, because.. that'd be pointing fingers?
Lol idiot. You know me, and you know who the hell it is.
Man.
I wanna be her friend, but not if she's going to make everyone's life hell with her "ITS HIM OR ME, HO." routine.
Even though she claims she isn't doing it, and is like "Ah nah, its coo'.", she totally is.
Obviously.
"Oh hes going? Oh Im not going to go. I'll hang out with them some other time."
And it kind of fucking sucks. A lot.
Because I really hate to be in positions where I have to choose.
And considering Im gonna choose the guy anyway... Its just sort of idiotic. I mean. Ugh. :/

Friend #2:
- Has a new pothead boyfriend!
- Said boyfriend is a fucking manwhore.
- Said friend is an adorable little picture of innocence [as she damn well should be at 15].
- Drank half a bottle of vodka tonight! Yaaaay.
- "Im gonna play peer pong. Toodles!" - 5 minutes later - "Fuck I hate my ideas. Im hiding from beer pong."
- "Im going to to whatever I want anyway!"
I was all like, jealous of her yesterday, but it kind of hit my that Im motherfucking happy my boyfriend is as sweet as he is.
Sure I might fail miserably at life, but he's not about to compare me to 9249874 other dumb sluts. And Im freaking happy about that, god damn it.
And there's gonna be [and is] more to my relationship than "Okay shit I have to give really good head otherwise he's going to think Im lame and dump me. Oh, I hope I dont get an STD. Wait, isn't it STI now?"
[Mines more along the lines of "HAHA lets go to ihop at 8 on a saturday morning, and talk about cars the whole way there AND back! Omg your cannonball sucks get out of the pool and do it RIGHT, BOY. You have sand in your hoohah! Your parents were merpeople! MERBOY!" And I fucking love it/him. ♥]
So suck on that! [?]

I dunno.
I mean.
I give more of a damn about the second one, because I love her dearly and am seriously concerned...
But ugh. I dont know, man.

/rant

i'll best be on my way out.

Listening To : Ignorance -- Paramore

I just stayed up all night.
For no reason, really.
Anyway.

I just got harassed by a lesbian?
Yeaaah.

"How's your ex?"
"Dude, I told you, hes my goddamn boyfriend, not my ex."
"Ask him if he wants to watch me eat you out."
"... No?"
"But he can't touch me."
"Not into the whole sharing thing."
"What if we just kiss?"
"NO! Last time I kissed a girl horrible things ensued!"
"Oh. Yeah. You silly little slut you."

"Im sure you fool all the boys like that. Theyre fucking stupid."
"Uhm. What?"
"Honey drips from your cunt."
"Ew, no its doesn't. Thatd be nasty."
"Its a metaphor."
"Keep your metaphors away from my cunt!"
"Dont call it that. Its too seductive."
"... Right."
"Im trying to fight with you, I dont need that."

"I want to be your boyfriend. But only if he has a small dick."
"Uhh...."
"Sorry. I like you."
"And so you want to be Preston?"
"No."
"Didn't think so.."
"Why would I want to be him? Have you seen me? Im gorgeous!"
"... You really dont want to ask me to compare your guys' looks..."
"I would get less pussy than him."
"... And thats a good thing how?"
"And thats all I care about. Getting pussy."
"Clearly."

It was pretty special?
My perfectly good evening was ruined by her stupidity. And her totally objectifying me. WHICH I DONT LIKE.
Ugh.

ps. I suck at making origami stars.

Theyre pretty much all deformed in some way. The ones that dont look deformed merely have their good sides up.
But it was really fun! :D

Okay so Im starting to get slightly tired.
WHAT TO DO. D:

Theres this youtube series thing, called The Guild [you should watch it!]. I watched the entire first two season thingys.
Its cause they have this song.
Do You Wanna Date My Avatar?
Best. Song. Ever. Like really.
If youve ever played a MMORPG, its the BOMB[dot com!].
I have to listen to it now.
"Do you wanna date my avatar? Shes a star, and hotter than reality by far!"
But yeah. The show.
Its totally rad. :D

Uhhh...
Im tired. But Im not going to sleep.
Im going to like.
Do something. Who knows.

Listening To : Overload -- Voodoo & Serano
Activity[s] : Playing Dreamfall, reading blogs I really shouldn't be reading...

I have this really weird sick, hot, dizzy, sinking feeling...
Its like, a mixture of guilt, disgust, horror, confusion, befuddlement [lol!], sick amusement, triumph...
Either way, there's this lump in my throat like I want to cry, but Im not sad enough to do so.
Why would I cry anyway? Who knows. I sorta feel like I should, but there's no goddamn reason for it.
So whatever.

Meanwhile, I'm completely and utterly terrified to go back to school now, because there are factors completely beyond my control.
Crazy, psycho factors.
That shouldn't even be in California.
Because as much as I try to brush things off and be all like "La la la", I have a really, REALLY hard time not suspecting the worst.
Especially now, after.. everything.

I REALIZE THE ABOVE TWO PARAGRAPHS MADE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE UNLESS YOU CAN SOMEHOW GUESS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT.
AND THAT'D BE DIFFICULT, CONSIDERING I DIDN'T REALLY EXPLAIN THE SUBJECT TO THAT MANY PEOPLE.
LOL. SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE. MOVING ON.

Hi!
I'm 17.
I still haven't quite gotten over that yet!
I was filling out.. something for school, and its like "Age_____" and I almost put 16.
Because being 17 is really weird. Like, it isnt.
But it totally is.

SPEAKING OF. I'm really fucking terrified to grow up.
Because I really don't think I can quite handle it...
The responsibility of existing is a HUGE one. Its terrifying, 'nough said.
I can't even handle my non-stressful life, let alone when something happens and I have to keep a cool head and look at things objectively.

IDEA : Im going with my mum to pick up my brother from Jr. High [MY BROTHER IS IN 7TH GRADE. ITS AMAZING.], to pick up my tatamasala from Stan at the Greek Cafe.
And then were going to get some crackers or pitas or something, so I can eat it FOREVER AND EVER.
Man, I love that stuff. Its a greek caviar spread stuff.. And its delicious beyond all comprehension. ♥

Anyway.
Im also going through a really negative phase, where I completely hate myself.
I think Im fat [which is completely bloody ridiculous, Im aware of that fact. I weigh 115. I had a shit fit about that fact, because Im usually 111. 4 pounds, uh oh. But nevertheless..], and Im convinced Im a lazy pig.
And, the very predictable follower is that if Im not careful, Im going to develop a case of anorexia... Because Ive already made the connection in my head that eating is what makes me fat, and that since Ive been eating more, Im gaining weight, and if I were to not eat so much, Id be fine.
Like my dad said, at least Im okay with admitting that fact... But Im kinda scared of spiralling downwards into this trend of starving myself.
Which would be totally stupid.
BUT. I did finally accept Preston's offer to help me out, and Emily and I are gonna join a gym and go Mondays and Wednesdays after school. If I can have someone to do it WITH, hopefully exersizing will be easy.

BUT MAN.
My life is so freaking dull.
And now, to make it worse, everyone is in school. So even if I WANTED to talk to someone, they wouldn't be around!
How lame is THAT. :p

By the way. This song, Overload?
ITS AMAZING. YOU SHOULD LOVE IT WITH A FIREY PASSION THAT BURNS DEEP WITHIN YOUR SOUL.
:D :D :D



THERE YA GO.

Anyway.
I think Im going to go do something hopelessly idiotic again.
Like... Embroider.
Or play that stupid game.
Or something.
I was going to shower, but my mum beat me to it. Lame. :p

ugh.

This is a short post.
Because Im not doing anything worthwhile right now, etc.

But I just wanted to say.
I woke up this morning to my mother screaming to... no one, really... about how she was going to "horsewhip the little bitch and send her to live with her father". Because I never clean / do anything / help / etc.
So while she was napping or whatever, I was like "Okay! Lets prove the psycho wrong!"
So I spent 2 and a half hours cleaning up...
I took out the recycling, put away the dry dishes, cleaned up the diningroom table, straightened the rug in the living room, re-madeup the couch, organized all the shit on this random desk, picked up ALL the junk behind the couch, put away all the video games...

Did she notice?
Of course not.
She was still in a bitchy goddamn mood, didn't even glance at anything I'd done...
And as she left, she said "It doesn't help that you never do anything, Alyssa."

MEANWHILE.
She ALWAYS notices when my little brother does something.
Seriously.
She's blind to anything I do.
And it sucks.
Back to cleaning.
Hopefully she'll notice something, this time.

Do you think she'd notice if I just burned everything? x.x

kiss my eyes.

Listening To : Prelude 12/21 -- AFI
Activity[s] : Looking for a new house... nothing, really.

So.
My summer. Has been pretty much.. Boring. Yeah.
I havent really done anything, gone anywhere, made any huge change in myself or my life...
Sure, the first month was chock full of drama, confusion, and me trying to figure out what the hell was going on with my life, but that doesn't really count, considering it all got worked out...

Meanwhile, all that stupid drama left me with fewer friends than I can count on one hand that I can go out and do anything with, and a tendency to recall amusing memories about people who I haven't talked to in two months, which gets awkward stares from whoever Im talking to.
"Hahaha. Once, Wishiah and I..."
And my mother just sits there and raises one eyebrow, like "Why do you keep talking about her if you say she pisses you off so much?"
And then Im like "... Oh yeah. Well. She was my best friend, I guess.."
But its still awkward. Which sort of sucks. But oh well.

Whenever I see ads for the Hannah Montana movie, I get all sentimental, and look back on that movie as being the last thing all of us did together as friends...
I think it was the night of Junior/Senior [aka Anacapa's lame version of prom]... Anyway.

My new task is to find us a place to live.
Which is NOT an easy task, I'll have you know. Its like, nearly impossible, actually.
Its so freakishly expensive to live in Santa Barbara, finding a place to rent under $2500 is VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
Okay thats a lie. But Im really picky. But still. Virtually impossible.
Though I found one around the corner from school. Which seems kind of creepy, to be honest. But whatever. xD
I found some other ones, too, but whatever.

...
Im really tired of being bored, you know that.
Bleh.
Ill add more later.
I TOTALLY WILL, TOO. I promise.

it'd be tragic, if those evil robots win.

You Are The Moon
The Hush Sound

Shadows all around you,
as you surface from the dark.
Emerging from the gentle grip
of night's unfolding arms.

Darkness, darkness everywhere,
do you feel all alone?
The subtle grace of gravity,
the heavy weight of stone.

You don't see what you possess,
a beauty calm and clear.
It floods the sky and blurs the darkness
like a chandelier.

All the light that you possess
is skewed by lakes and seas.
The shattered surface,
so imperfect,
is all that you believe.

I will bring a mirror,
so silver, so exact.
So precise, and so pristine,
a perfect pane of glass.

I will set the mirror up,
to face the blackened sky.
You will see your beauty
every moment that you rise.

xxx

Drinking : Purple Monster!
Activity[s] : Music hunting!

I seriously think that may be one of the prettiest goddamn songs I have ever heard.
Im like, in awe. Its freaking gorgeous, and I absolutely adore it.

Ive been having an interesting time of things, lately.
People from my past are coming back to haunt me.
And then I end up having to break up with someone Im not even dating.
I shouldn't have to justify why I refuse to cheat, but for some reason, I did.
And it was horrible.
[this is alex, im talking about, by the way. stupid manwhore.]

HER NAAAAME. IS YOSHIIIMEEEH.
Shes a blackbelt in karate! [hay hay!]
Working for the ci-taaay,
shes got to discipline her bodyyy.
Cause she knows that.
Its demandinggg.
To deeeefeeeat, those evil machinnees.
I know she can beat them!
Oh Yoshimeeeh, they dont believe meeeh!
But you wont let those robots eat meeeh! Yoshimeeeeh!

The best song, possibly ever.
I mean, how can you beat a line like "She knows she has to defeat them, so shes taking lots of vitamins!"
Good job, Yoshimi.

I dont really have anything idiotic to tell you, to be honest. o.o

oooh all i ever wanted.

Listening To : Camilla -- Basshunter [YES. WIN. :D]
Drinking : WATER.
Activity[s] : Drawing...

Today.
Is an AMAZING day. Like really.
Im freaking HAPPY.

1. Ive got my boyfriend back.
Officially.
As in, he [being the silly boy he is] asked me out yesterday.
Which is amusing, because its not like we weren't 'together' anyway, but thats coo'!
Im happy. :D

2. Tomorrow it will have been six months since he asked me out originally.
And thats a REALLY LONG TIME.
Says the girl whose never had a relationship longer than a month and 3 weeks [or something].
Im so impressed with myself.
Thats half a YEAR.
1/34th of my ENTIRE LIFE.
... Yeah.

3. Basshunter is my new Swedish lover.
Seriously.
So I downloaded his first album [which is mostly in Swedish. Swedish = REALLY NOT EASY TO SING], and its freaking amazing.
I love it a lot. :D

4. Its beautiful and sunny and warm.
But for once, it ISNT too hot.
Like, its been miserable lately.
But today, its nice. Mild. Warm enough to be pleasant, but not so hot Im a nasty sweaty bitch. xD

5. Im spending the night at a beachhouse tonight. :D
And then I get to go to work with my dad tomorrow.
DOUBLE WHAMMY!

6. I did a really good job on my eye makeup.

7. I like to draw.
And so when I do, it makes me happy. :D

Yeah. So thats pretty much it.
Im in a good mood about a million other things, but theyre all sort of insignificant and/or spiteful and bitchy.
Ahahahaha.
I really am a spiteful bitch to people who slight me, you have no idea.
I have absolutely no regret about it, either.
So don't mess with me! :DDDD
You'll be fine, if you don't. It coo'. Cause Im a nice person. ^^

Oh but.
The only thing is.
Im sort of really dreading school next year.
Because I sort of have no friends..
I got kicked out of the clique. My clique.
And they all sort of hate me.
SOOOO.
Im going to be a little orphan next year! D:
I dont know what to do, haha.
I'll have to find someone to latch on to.
OR. Be deliciously independent. But that doesnt sound like much fun, so I dunno.

I like being in love.
For once.
♥

everybody come alive.

Listening To : Feel The Vibe -- Afrika Bambaataa [random.]
Eating : Raspberries!
Activity[s] : Embroidering, browsing dA, texting!

This song is mega catchy.
Also.
Check out whats on my clipboard...

"Every month, I look up and think, "Those crazy nuns. I wonder what they're going to do next."

Yeah, I dont really understand it either. I was looking at... I dont even know.
But apparently there's a Nuns Having Fun calendar.
That i WANT.

But I think April is getting me the book for my birthday, so it all work--

MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW.

Ill be seventeen.
Ive wanted to be seventeen for YEARS.
It was always a much bigger deal than sixteen...
Dude.
Im getting old.
Shit.
Though Im hardly one to talk...
All the people I went to elementary school with are seniors / turning 18 this year.
Like Kate Cordeniz? Her birthday is in November...
Damn.
I feel so young, hahahaha.

By the way.
This is my new favourite thing in the entire world.