Listening To : Overload -- Voodoo & Serano
Activity[s] : Playing Dreamfall, reading blogs I really shouldn't be reading...

I have this really weird sick, hot, dizzy, sinking feeling...
Its like, a mixture of guilt, disgust, horror, confusion, befuddlement [lol!], sick amusement, triumph...
Either way, there's this lump in my throat like I want to cry, but Im not sad enough to do so.
Why would I cry anyway? Who knows. I sorta feel like I should, but there's no goddamn reason for it.
So whatever.

Meanwhile, I'm completely and utterly terrified to go back to school now, because there are factors completely beyond my control.
Crazy, psycho factors.
That shouldn't even be in California.
Because as much as I try to brush things off and be all like "La la la", I have a really, REALLY hard time not suspecting the worst.
Especially now, after.. everything.

I REALIZE THE ABOVE TWO PARAGRAPHS MADE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE UNLESS YOU CAN SOMEHOW GUESS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT.
AND THAT'D BE DIFFICULT, CONSIDERING I DIDN'T REALLY EXPLAIN THE SUBJECT TO THAT MANY PEOPLE.
LOL. SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE. MOVING ON.

Hi!
I'm 17.
I still haven't quite gotten over that yet!
I was filling out.. something for school, and its like "Age_____" and I almost put 16.
Because being 17 is really weird. Like, it isnt.
But it totally is.

SPEAKING OF. I'm really fucking terrified to grow up.
Because I really don't think I can quite handle it...
The responsibility of existing is a HUGE one. Its terrifying, 'nough said.
I can't even handle my non-stressful life, let alone when something happens and I have to keep a cool head and look at things objectively.

IDEA : Im going with my mum to pick up my brother from Jr. High [MY BROTHER IS IN 7TH GRADE. ITS AMAZING.], to pick up my tatamasala from Stan at the Greek Cafe.
And then were going to get some crackers or pitas or something, so I can eat it FOREVER AND EVER.
Man, I love that stuff. Its a greek caviar spread stuff.. And its delicious beyond all comprehension. ♥

Anyway.
Im also going through a really negative phase, where I completely hate myself.
I think Im fat [which is completely bloody ridiculous, Im aware of that fact. I weigh 115. I had a shit fit about that fact, because Im usually 111. 4 pounds, uh oh. But nevertheless..], and Im convinced Im a lazy pig.
And, the very predictable follower is that if Im not careful, Im going to develop a case of anorexia... Because Ive already made the connection in my head that eating is what makes me fat, and that since Ive been eating more, Im gaining weight, and if I were to not eat so much, Id be fine.
Like my dad said, at least Im okay with admitting that fact... But Im kinda scared of spiralling downwards into this trend of starving myself.
Which would be totally stupid.
BUT. I did finally accept Preston's offer to help me out, and Emily and I are gonna join a gym and go Mondays and Wednesdays after school. If I can have someone to do it WITH, hopefully exersizing will be easy.

BUT MAN.
My life is so freaking dull.
And now, to make it worse, everyone is in school. So even if I WANTED to talk to someone, they wouldn't be around!
How lame is THAT. :p

By the way. This song, Overload?
ITS AMAZING. YOU SHOULD LOVE IT WITH A FIREY PASSION THAT BURNS DEEP WITHIN YOUR SOUL.
:D :D :D



THERE YA GO.

Anyway.
I think Im going to go do something hopelessly idiotic again.
Like... Embroider.
Or play that stupid game.
Or something.
I was going to shower, but my mum beat me to it. Lame. :p

ugh.

This is a short post.
Because Im not doing anything worthwhile right now, etc.

But I just wanted to say.
I woke up this morning to my mother screaming to... no one, really... about how she was going to "horsewhip the little bitch and send her to live with her father". Because I never clean / do anything / help / etc.
So while she was napping or whatever, I was like "Okay! Lets prove the psycho wrong!"
So I spent 2 and a half hours cleaning up...
I took out the recycling, put away the dry dishes, cleaned up the diningroom table, straightened the rug in the living room, re-madeup the couch, organized all the shit on this random desk, picked up ALL the junk behind the couch, put away all the video games...

Did she notice?
Of course not.
She was still in a bitchy goddamn mood, didn't even glance at anything I'd done...
And as she left, she said "It doesn't help that you never do anything, Alyssa."

MEANWHILE.
She ALWAYS notices when my little brother does something.
Seriously.
She's blind to anything I do.
And it sucks.
Back to cleaning.
Hopefully she'll notice something, this time.

Do you think she'd notice if I just burned everything? x.x

kiss my eyes.

Listening To : Prelude 12/21 -- AFI
Activity[s] : Looking for a new house... nothing, really.

So.
My summer. Has been pretty much.. Boring. Yeah.
I havent really done anything, gone anywhere, made any huge change in myself or my life...
Sure, the first month was chock full of drama, confusion, and me trying to figure out what the hell was going on with my life, but that doesn't really count, considering it all got worked out...

Meanwhile, all that stupid drama left me with fewer friends than I can count on one hand that I can go out and do anything with, and a tendency to recall amusing memories about people who I haven't talked to in two months, which gets awkward stares from whoever Im talking to.
"Hahaha. Once, Wishiah and I..."
And my mother just sits there and raises one eyebrow, like "Why do you keep talking about her if you say she pisses you off so much?"
And then Im like "... Oh yeah. Well. She was my best friend, I guess.."
But its still awkward. Which sort of sucks. But oh well.

Whenever I see ads for the Hannah Montana movie, I get all sentimental, and look back on that movie as being the last thing all of us did together as friends...
I think it was the night of Junior/Senior [aka Anacapa's lame version of prom]... Anyway.

My new task is to find us a place to live.
Which is NOT an easy task, I'll have you know. Its like, nearly impossible, actually.
Its so freakishly expensive to live in Santa Barbara, finding a place to rent under $2500 is VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
Okay thats a lie. But Im really picky. But still. Virtually impossible.
Though I found one around the corner from school. Which seems kind of creepy, to be honest. But whatever. xD
I found some other ones, too, but whatever.

...
Im really tired of being bored, you know that.
Bleh.
Ill add more later.
I TOTALLY WILL, TOO. I promise.