motherfucker.

Listening To : Wild World [originally by Cat Stevens], on repeat.
Activity[s] : Supposed to be doing homework...

Holy.
Fucking.
Shit.
My life has completely fallen apart in the last almost-7 days.

Pretty much the ONLY good thing thats happened is that Wishiah and I got Preston to ask me out.
And even that is shrouded in horribleness.

1. Ive ruined anything I had somehow gotten with Cliff.
He didnt even speak to me for several days, let alone be nice.
I mean. I guess it seems like I betrayed him or some such?
Fuck, I dont even know.
I could explain how it isnt that at all, but I dont really feel up to it.
Anyway.
Now hes in this whole "I just need to help you fix all the stuff Ive broken", etc etc.
And he is being all distant -- although, apparently hes always been distant?

2. Puteri thinks Im an idiot, and therefore will hardly talk to me.
As soon as I told her about Preston, she went all psycho on me, and started listing off reasons I shouldn't date him.
And theyre just sort of silly.
And anyway, now she thinks Im acting ridiculous, and not thinking things through.
And then she got pissed off at me for never telling her anything.
We apologized and such, but its still all fucked up. I fail.

3. My mum hates me.
I told her I didnt want to live there anymore.
She threatened to kill my cat.
I dont want to have anything to do with her, anymore.

4. I still cant concentrate on my homework.
Dont know whats going on there...

5. April hates me.
Ughhhhh.
Fuck.

Im sick of blogging.
But there you go.

cinderelly, cinderellyyyy.

Listening To : Lips Like Morphine -- Kill Hannah
Eating : ... Skittles. o.o
Activity[s] : Giggling maniacally.

I am NOT TIRED, because I am FREAKING GREAT.
:DDDDDDDDDDDDD
Bahahaha.
Im so cool. I dont even know.
Okay so.

I just had a really INTERESTING conversation with Preston.
Which ended with.

"I was thinking. You're right, in that I didn't do anything because Im shy or whatever. But. Id never do anything unless I was sure that it would work out in my favor -- and of that, Im still not sure."
"Sparky, my dear. Being a girl of your caliber, things generally work out in your favor. So please dont worry yourself."

Lol I DONT EVEN KNOW.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Not a clue what the hell just happened.
I also have no clue whats going to happen. In the MORNINGGGG.
Uh ohh. Watch out.
[knowing the rest of the conversation would help, but thats what put me on the floor giggling.]

God damn it, Im hyper.
Storybook life + nothing to eat but sugar ALL DAY + PAPER FLOWERS = Woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Lol yeah.
Ive consumed nothing but skittles and soda today.
Im SO HEALTHY. YAY ME.
Ive actually felt sick for like, 8 hours now. xD
Im so made of fail.

& Paper flowers.
Holy crappp, I went insane.
It started with me making a rose for April, who was freaking out.
The rose itself took HOURS.
Damn. Just folding the flower took forever! That shit is HARD.
And then to make the stem/leaves/etc... Dang.
[it looks fucking GREAT, though.]

And then.
I made an ENTIRE BOUQUET of what appear to be irises.
Which involved printing out custom, triangle shaped, DOUBLE SIDED paper.
That was hard enough as it was. xD
I'll take pictures of these things, at some point.
Anyway, the bouquet.
It has these cool leaves.
And I even put it in a vase!

My land.
Im happy.
I might complete my quest.
[no one is going to understand what I mean by that. ;D]

Tonight. Is a good night.
Even though I feel like Im going to be sick.
Fucking skittles. >.>

jumbles.

Listening To : The Adventure -- Angels and Airwaves

So here's the deal.
After reading back through some of my blog posts, I realize they've all been useless, meaningless jumbles of nothingness.
So I figure I'll actually talk about some of that stuff that's halfway important to me, you know? Yeah.

Way back in.. whatever... I left my mum's house.
I got sick of her, etc. And just left. Poof! In the middle of the night. Byeee.
Created a shitload of drama that everyone got over, and now I am at my daddy's house.

BUT THE ISSUE IS.
My dad is moving to San Jose in July.
That's 5 hours away, for all you non-Californian folks.
Not that convenient, when I go to school in Santa Barbara, eh?
So I need somewhere to live -- that ISN'T my mother's. No one wants me back there.
Except my mother.

If you've known me, you know how completely fucked my life at my mum's is.
The power will get shut off, and the only thing I'll be able to find to eat is a SINGLE potato.
The first thing I've eaten in 2 days, at that.
The internet is a very maybe thing, and I'm never really sure if we're going to have it the next month or not..
I never, ever get to go shopping, and there would be no way she'd be able to give the the $50 a week I spend on food, if I eat the way I'm supposed to.
Plus, shes a psycho bitch to me, because our personalities conflict so much. Famously so, at that.
Sitting on the bathroom floor, in the dark, at 4 am with my laptop, because she threatened to steal it? Oh yeah.

But see, the thing is.
She expects me to go back there when my dad moves.
The stay here was originally a temporary thing -- "lets just take a break from eachother" sort of thing.
But being away from her, I see how fucking MISERABLE it is there.
And now I don't want to ever deal with that again. Ever.
But she doesn't know that -- I cant exactly tell her. Shed take it as "I feel you are unfit to be my mother."
She takes everything personally.

And even if I DON'T go back there, I don't necessarily have anywhere else to GO.
I'm sure my Grandma Pat would let me live there, but I don't know if she'd be too keen on it.
We don't always agree, and its kind of a lot of responsibility.. :/
I could live with my Grandma Judy, but she lives all the way in Carp -- very inconvenient. Living downtown is SO much better..
I could live with one of my friends, but how the hell do I ask...?
My dad jokingly suggested.. Well wait. Let me explain that, first.

So there's another, recent factor in all of this.
Cliff. Is moving to Santa Barbara in June.
Yeah.
Motherfuckin' crazy, seriously.
But yes. He's moving here. And, oddly enough, would be staying with my mother herself.
Theyre friends, or some such. [dont ask me, please. xD its complicated ; and NOT LIKE THAT]
And Mr. Johnson has been really, REALLY decent to me, lately. Like, really.
Its the most dramatic, amazing change ever. Seriously.
So you know, his presence might be enough to change stuff..?
Hell if I know.

Anyway. My dad jokingly suggested [with a "i-cant-believe-im-a-father-saying-this" precursor] living with Cliff. [and then followed it up with "BUT NO SEX!" I nearly choked on my air laughing.]
And I was like "AhahahaNO. Hell no. There's NO way I would put THAT much responsibility on that poor boy. Hes only 19."
And my dad and Dr. Geis laughed. xD
AT LEAST IM REALISTIC.
Im sure it would be lovely, but if we fucked something up.. Id be homeless. Or miserable. Or both.
You know. Always thinking of the possibilities. ;D

If you should have any ideas about what the fuck I should do, I'd love to hear them?

I mean really.
NO ONE in my ENTIRE family wants me to go back to my mother's, except my mother herself.
Everyone knows its an awful situation.
I could, technically, go up north with my daddy, but that would mean COMPLETELY starting over in terms of school/friends/life/etc, AND a custody battle with my mother [over a 17 year old. idiotic? i think yes.]
The other solution is to find somewhere for me to live -- but where? I dont want to live in Carpinteria, I fucking HATE that town. Im sorry. And who wants to take on another kid, essentially? :/ My daddy would pay, of course, but still..
And how the FUCK do I tell my mother?!

Then, on top of that, I have typical Alyssa troubles. :p
Liking boys I cannot understand.
Hating being single, with a passion. Its been a YEAR. 12 months!
Im a Cancer, I crave love and affection. I cannot deal with life without it. Fuck me. [not fuck me, just.. damn me to hell.]
And it doesn't help that the one boy I like [well, that I see every day] is so fucking CONFUSING AND FRUSTRATING.
I have never been so positive in my life that its a hopeless endevour.
I think I was even hopeful about Alex Robitaille. That should show you how HOPELESS THIS IS.
/spazz

I guess that's more meaningful?

you have an imaginary face!

... Ive ended up in a meeting.
See, Im spending the day at my dad's office.
And Ive been hanging out in a meeting room all day. And then Herb came in, wanting to have a meeting in it.
But they didn't make me leave.
So I didn't! :D
So yeah.
Im sitting here, laptop in my lap [nowai.], listening to the stupidest meeting I have ever heard.
Its so.. random?

"Have you been to the plants?"
"They all died, or got taken away."
"What?"
"We have no one to take care of them."
-odd looks-
"YEAH. We got rid of all of our plant-watering people, too."
"We should have a log sheet! One cupful of water per plant."
"YES OKAY."

They started out the meeting by spending 10 minutes on despair.com.
It was.. really exciting.

"OKAY GUYS. We have a guest! We need to impress her -- show that we actually -do- do work."

.. Alright. This is pretty much the whole meeting, summed up.

"Well maybe this is how we could waste another 20 minutes..."
They have nothing else to do. Poor meeting-people.
... And they named a project after some dude named McQueen, but HQ thought it was Lightning McQueen?
Wtf. Okay. This is really silly.

This makes me want to work in technology! XD

ninjaaaa!

Listening To : Im On A Boat -- The Lonely Island
Drinking : Vitamin Water
Activity[s] : Playing The Longest Journey, blogging [duh?]

So we went to the zoo today!
We = Alyssa, Wishiah, Emma, Emily, and Preston.
Lol it was SO MUCH FUN.
Its kind of pathetic, how much fun we can have. xD

It was pouring rain in the beginning, and so there was like, NO ONE there. God it was so freaking great. xD
Go to the zoo when no one is there, sometime.
We got to play on everything, and run and jump on shit, and be completely AWFUL.
"MOTHERFUCKER. THAT FUCKING HURT."

Sure, there was that one time Preston laughed when the little kid fell over, but you know.
Thats okay! XD

It was really, really great.
I could go on for a while about how awesome our zoo adventure was. xD
We're all just idiotic... :D

At one point, we were walking through on of the aviaries, and there's a lizard exhibit in the wall.
And Emma suddenly screams "i THINK ITS DEAD."
At which point we all turn around and run back...

Speaking of running back.
We were looking at the lions [the male was licking the female, that prompted some interesting comments..], and then moved on to the giraffes.
But then we hear this roar, look over, and the lion was standing on a rock.
So we RUN all the way back, giggling about the lions, and were like "OMG WHUT."
It was special...
Yeah. xD

Also. I have a new med. ;D
I went to Dr. F, and she was nice, and I didn't even scream at her.
Awh. How nice.

fishes got my toes.

Listening To : Right Round -- Flo Rida [WIN.]
Eating : Valentine's chocolates. Still.
Activity[s] : Painting my nails, internetting, texting.

--> First order of business:
I NEED A GAME TO PLAY.
SOMEONE HALP ME, PLZ.

--> Second order of business:
I NEED SOMEONE TO KILL MY SIBLINGS.
SOMEONE HALP ME, PLZ.

-x-

Anyway.
I TOLD YOU I WOULD FINISH THAT POST.
I think thats the first time I've ever done that. ;D That being, finished a post I said I would.
Now thats just silly.

ALSO. YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED.
I changed the layout of my blog!
Isnt it pretty? Im all excited, I found an xml layout that I like, lolol. So yes. (:
I figured it was time for that, anyway.
I reworked things, and such. Like that thing over there --->
I dunno. You like?

LETTSSS SEEEEEE.
Uhhhmmmm.

OH.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr. Ferguson! Who is my meds doctor, if you didnt know.
So that should be good. ;D
I can finally stop spazzing out all the time.

OH SHIT YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS WIN.
GHOST TOWN, BY SHINY TOY GUNS.
SHIT, SON. Thats a good song. :D

Uh what else.
Uh uh uh.

Oh. My Valentine's Day was interesting.
The first half of it was spent in tears, curled up in the leather armchair in my living room that I'd been sitting in [with someone] the night before.
The second half..
I went out to dinner with Michelle, Emily, and Leah. THAT was awesome. :D
We went to sushi.
And it was so fucking epic.
Michelle's noodles attacked everyone. xD
And then we wandered around downtown.
Leah and I posed sexily in Restoration Hardware, and then we got Pinkberry.
So that was awesome. (:

I have no school this week, so thats pretty awesome. ;D

Tomorrow we're going to the zoo [we = Wishiah, Alyssa [me!], Emma, Michelle [?], Emily, Preston, _____].
And then Wednesday Im going to work with my dad.
WATCH OUT, CISCO. WATCH OUT.

Lol yeah.
Im sexy.

I painted my nails blue [with glittery currents!], and am going to paint fish on them.
Because Emily told me to. xD
"YOU SHOULD PAINT FISH ON THEM, FOR PRESTON."
To which I just sort of blinked, but agreed.
[he likes fish. to catch fish, not to eat it. silly.]
So yeah.
FISH. ON MY FINGERS. O:

The fish that got my toes?
Well they haven't, but apparently you can get a pedicure where they have fish nibble your toes.
How weird is THAT.

lets go, lets go.

Listening To : Kevin Rudolf
Activity[s] : Trying not to fall asleep..

Oh. My.
Ahahaha.
Okay so I threw Michelle a surprise party.
Fucking most stressful week of my LIFE, this week. God it was awful.
School was ridiculous. It never got better -- I barely finished my school work.

Anyway.
Michelle's surprise party.
We've been meaning to throw the damn thing for weeks, and this weekend finally worked. :D
So yes.
I folded 30 paper cranes, and handed them out as invitations, and it was epic.

... And Im way too fucking tired to do this.
Rofl. NIGHT. :D

I PROMISE I'll finish this one. PROMISE. YES. :D

edit. [2/16]

Alright so.
Ill do this fast, because I have to blog, anyway.

I handed out 30 little paper cranes, pissing off Wishiah, who wanted to help.
And then I felt bad, because I knew she wanted to help.
But I really had to get the damn things done, you know? I couldn't like, wait another day.
[this was monday, i handed them out tuesday.]

So then Thursday rolls around.
I was mostly sure of who was coming, but hadn't yet even figured out where everything was coming from.
Emily, Emma, and Leah planned to come over at noon [we had no school Friday, lol.] and help me, but I had nothing I needed help with.
And then proceeded to be become an emotional wreck, because thats just what I do lately.
Because see.
I was planning the thing with Libby.
Who had been SICK with the flu all week.
And so the whole party had sort of fallen by the wayside. :/

But its okay.
Because I got home on Thursday, and talked to my dad and Libby, and was instantly calmed down.
Libby made the cake, and we put it in my grandma's fridge, and everything worked out.
We decided who was bringing what, made lists, and I am still thanking my friends' parents for being so willing to run out to the store for me. ♥

So anyway.
They came over, and we got everything figured out, and my dad got stuff, and all was GOOD.
And then it was all good for a while longer, too.
Until -- lol i just got a text in binary! -- people actually started showing up.
Then I got all nervous and jittery.

And you know, it didn't help that the stereo was spazzy, my dad had to leave for a bit, AND Michelle was late.
I could go into everything that freaked me out, but wont.

She ended up showing up, and while we kind of messed up our epic surprise plan, it all turned out, more or less.
She was surprised as FUCK, had no idea what had been going on all week..
I was really happy, ahahaa. Im still amazed she had NO idea whatsoever.
Im good. ;D

We did all sorts of silly things.
Watched youtube videos, played with balloons..
Preston and I shared a chair, that was cute. xD [Alicia took pictures..?]
And then the two of us went on an epic journey to get the cake, and put candles on it.
Shit. Putting candles on that cake took us a good 10 minutes.
"THERE'S FIFTEEN."
"NO THERE ISN'T, THERE'S ONLY FOURTEEN. COUNT THEM."
"I DID."

And then we all played Sardines. THAT. Was fun. xD

Anyway.
Im done, now.

CURRENT BLOG POST TIEM.

failure.

Listening To : Boys, Boys, Boys -- Lady Gaga
Activity[s] : Failing at life.

Seriously. I fail SO HARD.
You know how I said I couldn't focus on my homework?
Well you know what?
Its 5 o'clock -- 5 hours since I started my homework.
You know what else?
I haven't gotten a SINGLE THING done. Not one! I thought I was getting somewhere, by getting THREE WHOLE PARAGRAPHS of my story written, but NO. I proceeded to erase it, because I hated it.
FIVE. HOURS. And all I have is a document with my heading on it, and a new copy of the blank assignment for preforming arts. I haven't read biology, or even done math or Italian.

But its not even like Ive been doing other things.
Sure, I have, but not in the general sense.
Usually, when Ive done nothing, it means Ive been off doing something else; msn, facebook, reading something stupid, etc.
But no. I try and do my homework, and I just cant. I dont even fucking understand it, let alone know what to do.
I just sit there, desperately trying to think, or type something [anything!], or plan, and I just think about NOTHING. My mind isnt even wandering!
Im just sitting here, mentally retarded, unable to do ANYTHING.
And I still have a shitload to do, considering I havent gotten any of it DONE.

What the hell am I supposed to tell my teachers?
"Yeah, I didn't do it, cause I was distracted only not really..."?
What the fuck kind of excuse is that?!

This is the most fucking ridiculous thing ever.
Im literally mentally incapable of doing my homework.
And I really, really want to cry.

i dont even know WHY.
Like. Sure, Im not on my Remeron, but I took my Adderall this morning!
And thats what its supposed to help with -- my complete and utter idiocy.

Maybe I'll do something equally fucked up.
Like go for a run.
-on crack-

i wanna hold em like they do in texas plays.

Listening To : The Fame -- Lady Gaga [as in the album..]
Activity[s] : Talking on the phone, homework, wasting time in general..

Ahaha I cannot concentrate.
So Im not going to try to. Yay meee.

Instead I'll finally write that blog post I keep trying to write.
Though I dont really know what to say.
So I'll just start.. somewhere.

Cliff is moving to Santa Barbara.
Yeaaaahh. ;D
How crazy is that? Seriously? Im so excited, too.
Its going to be fucking great. You know it. Nothing, ever, is going to beat that one.
[except maybe hopefully seeing Nik in April? Ahaha, Im kidding.]
Its kind of random, and Im still like "... Really? Like, you're actually serious about this one?"
I dunno.
I just think its fucking cool.

Also, on the same note [well, at the same time this was going on...].
Last night I was talking to Alex.
Like, my ex Alex.
That was fucking hilarious. I dont know why I dated that kid -- hes kind of retarded?
"I dont like the beach in winter?"
"Huh?"
What about that is hard to figure out? Seriously? The world may never, ever know.

... To keep up with the trend.
Ive made a decision on the boy.
Im going to give up.
Well, 'give up'. I couldn't actually give up, no way. I like him too much.
But Im going to stop actively trying to do.. anything.
I dont think he'll care much, anyway. Or even notice. Whateverrr.

[there was a slight pause in writing this, here]

I have tears running down my face at this point, because I keep trying to do my homework, and I just CANT.
I dont even know why, its just.. impossible.
I need to create my character for preforming arts [worst fucking class ever], write the first half of my story for Lit, and work on history.
And its just like.. My mind ISNT there. At all. I cant even follow my own thought processes, let alone write anything.
My interest in what Im doing just flitters away, never to be seen again.
And its so fucking stressful, I have so much to do by tomorrow.
Shit.
Someone needs to slap me.

... Ive kind of lost my motivation to write this. Bleh.

fourty-three!

Activity : Watching the Superbowl!

Its an interesting day.
Its been an interesting four days, hell. o.o

Thursday:
Stopped taking my Remeron.
Kissed a boy.
Partied it up.
Went to dinner at Arigato.
Went to a play.

Friday:
Odd. o.o
Lost it, started crying over having nothing to wear.
Went to Libby's sister's going away party.
Had interesting text conversations.

Saturday:
Went downtown with Leah, got my nails done.
Interesting texting?
Cleaned my room.
MORE texting...

Sunday:
Fought with Cliff.
Danced around like a mongoose.
SUPERBOWL.

Exciting. Stuff. :p

I want the CARDINALS, by the way.
All my friends do. ;D
In the words of Dillon Yuhasz : "Barack Obama is WRONG."