{- Penguinis -}: June 2009

Yeah, I don't get it either. But its what dreams are made of.

I WENT ICESKATING THE OTHER DAY.
Good god, so NOT my thing.
I had such a hard time..
Id never been iceskating in my life. Or rollerblading, for that matter.
So it was this completely foreign thing to me...

And my legs still hurt REALLY bad.
But.
I only fell once!
And I can blame Wishiah...
For pulling me sideways or distracting me or something.
Rofl.
She fell once too, because I made her dance to a song.
Soooo... It all evens out. xDDDD

Uhhmmm...

Yeah I don't know what else. xDDD

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

a barrage of images.

Is what you're gonna get. Ready, go!
[found my camera cord.]

These are in no particular order. In fact, they're OUT of order.
Damn you Blogger.

My brother and sister [Colin and Leia].

Asal and Dimitri in Yearbook. With a cup. On Dimitri's head.

PRESTON. :D

My silly, silly kitty. Who fell asleep on my bed.

Alyssa and Dimitri looking INCREDIBLY unattractive. Hahahaha.

Helicopter. Smoke. Jesusita Fire. Yes.

My street [several houses up]. Smoke. Jesusita Fire.

"Friends" : [from left] Emma, Wishiah, Emily, Michelle, Preston, Libby, Debbie

Outtake of previous picture! :D [to left: Asal]

Flowers. Quite obviously. In Malibu, I believe.

So there ya go.
Some random pictures that sort of document my sort-of life in the past couple months.
Uh huh.

Im done, now.

[MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 7 DAYS OMG.]

Monday, June 22, 2009

i don't mind...

Rainy Monday
Shiny Toy Guns

I don't mind
You’re someone that ain't mine
But someone that I'll get
And you don't know how
Hard I've tried
To convince myself that I
Can easily forget

But you left this feeling
Here inside me
One that never fails to find me...

On a rainy Monday
...i feel it inside of me
Like the days of summer...

On a rainy Monday
..I feel it inside me
In the hopes of one day...

I won't lie
I still can't say that I
Admit we went too far
And you won't see me change my mind
But I really wish that I
Could forget the way you are

But you left this feeling here inside me
The battle in my mind still fights me

I can see that you're not beside me
But I still feel you shine inside of me

xx

The opening line startled me enough to look up the lyrics.
Theyre quite interesting.
Take the meaning of their signifigance however you will.

Friday, June 19, 2009

until i can see nothing at all.

Listening To : November -- Azure Ray
Eating : Wheat Thins! :D
Activity[s] : Embroidering... Yeah.

Embroidery. I loves it.

See?

Yeaaahaaahh. :D
Its cute.
Its like.
Well you'll see! :D
Im not going to spoil it. Ill just take pictures every couple days, so you can see my epic progression skills. Thats two days, right thurr. While doing other things, of course. xD
But Ill tell you this much.

Theres a slice of cheese in it. ;D Awesome, no?

Anyway.
Moving on.

My face feels amazing.
Cause yesterday I got bored, so I decided to test the merits of kitchen dermatology.
So I steamed my face, exfoliated it with baking soda, ran a cotton ball dipped in overly-steeped peppermint tea over it, and then covered the whole thing in honey [which was DELICIOUS].
And now my skin is like. Lovely.
Its all smooth and nice. (:
Random, yes.
Awesome, though.

Uhhhh.
I just called Nik.
And left a message, of course, cause he doesn't believe in picking up.
And I know he wont return my call.
But I dont care anymore. Its the thought that counts. And now it wont be nagging me, and I can say I did it.
Cause he graduated this year and all. :p
That boy.
Pfft.
Im never going to see him again, I swear it.

... I like boys. ♥

Saturday, June 06, 2009

are you doing okay?

Listening To : Kristy, Are You Doing Okay?
Activity[s] : Writing.

I am suddenly an incredibly large fan of the idea of performance reviews.
The mandatory responsibility to explain to a person what they are doing wrong before you can fire them.
So they have a chance to fix it.
So they can at least see it coming.
Because if they know they're doing something wrong, and they care about their job..
They'll try to fix it.
They'll do whatever they can to fix it.
Instead of one day, finding themselves without that job they love, and they think they're succeeding at.
Because it simply isn't fair to just expect someone to know what they're doing wrong.
It isn't fair to just say "You've been doing this wrong for x months, sorry, we're gonna have to let you go."

Tears And Rain
James Blunt

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Tears and Rain.

Tears and Rain.

Far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

"I think what hurts the most is that you'll have no regret, and you won't miss me a bit."
"What does this mean to you. Last night I went for a walk.. I was not really paying attention to where I was going, then I looked up, and I was on your front porch."

To be honest?
I dont know what that means to me.
He never further explained it..
Just left it at that.
What could that mean, anyway? Dude.
He's just in the habit? He subconsciously missed me somehow? He had something to say? He's merely trying to make me feel worse? Better? Guilty? What..?
I don't like vague, oblique statements like that. I don't like to have to wonder.
Because then all I can DO is wonder, and slowly drive myself absolutely insane.

He says I still have him. He says Im his best friend.
I feel like a pretty shitty best friend.
And. I don't want him as a best friend. I dont want to be "like Wishiah".
I want to be like Alyssa.

Which is why I say I don't think he'll regret it, or miss me.
As far as he's concerned, Im still close to him, and he's a hell of a lot happier.
So what is there to regret?
Nothing.
Because, you know. I'll get over it! I'll be totally fine with it, definitely.
And everything will be just peachy.

Friday, June 05, 2009

HAH.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

I might be single.
But I might not be.
I really really really dont want to be.
Really.

SCRATCH THAT.
I AM SINGLE.
Ooooh Im so pissed off.

But at the same time.
[no, im not gonna say i want to be.]
I dont wanna be the stupid, clingy, crying, desperate FEMALE anymore.
Im fucking sick of it.
No way in hell.

BY THE WAY.
I love my friends.
They kick so much ass. ♥

Thursday, June 04, 2009

pretty thoughts and tattered shreds.

My heart is is just a pretty sculpture, made of nice ideas and bits of others' I've left in my wake.
Anything that was ever mine was obliterated long ago, without a single piece left to gather up.
And to love with this hollow, porcelain heart is a decadent, fragile thing.
Because the slightest mishandling can leave it permanently fractured.

Reciprocation is everything.
Without it, love is nothing.
Without it, words may as well be falling upon deaf ears, gestures upon blind eyes.
Without it, my thoughts mean as much as a broken wing.
They may be there, but they're not going to get anyone very far.
Because it just won't matter.

The spiteful part of me wants to say everything Ive been keeping locked in that porcelain heart.
The hell I put myself through, to even allow myself to love.
The guilt Ive had to endure. The awkward moments of a lingering depression. The inability to speak.
To paint the picture of the deathmatch against my mind, my rational thought.
To throw that black paint at the canvas, to try, somehow, to share the pain.
And yet, even in the face of being dragged down into guilt and remorse.
I cannot bring myself to deliver that blow.
I cannot bring myself to be spiteful.
I cannot even let a foreign tongue cast a negative light upon that dragging hand.
Even though my porcelain heart has been turned to dust, I cannot let go.
I never can.

Sometimes, I don't think I'll ever be okay.
The damage left by one cannot be repaired by another.
And the damage done by another will only add to the damage done by the first.
And so the cycle goes.
And the damage worsens.
And this pretty porcelain heart is remade.
New ideals are added into the mixture, and new shreds of hearts are used as a mold.
But the integrity only weakens.

Someday, I'll reach the end.
And the damage will be impossible to overlook.
And the neverending task of rebuilding this heart will cease.
And I'll find a hollow peace.
Forever lacking the one thing I crave more than anything.
Something to fill that hollow heart of mine.
Thoughtfulness.
Respect.
Caring.
Love.
You.
♥

why cant you see it?

See the mirror in your eyes
See the truth behind your lies
Your lies are haunting me
See the reason in your eyes
Giving answer to the why
Your eyes are haunting me

Falling in and out of love
in love, in love
Falling in and out of love
your love, your love

Why can't you see it?
Why can't you feel?
In and out of love each time

You keep keep runnin'
I keep keep fallin'
Let it fade away.

Away away away away
Oh let it fade away

In And Out of Love -- Armin van Buuren
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxvpctgU_s8

There have been multiple times in my life when I just have no idea what to do or think or say.
This is one of them.
I feel like my life is falling apart, yet on perfectly stable ground.
Everyone is drifting away, and I feel like they are turning their backs ; but I also feel like Im pushing.
I have bouts of suicidal thoughts, but I don't think Ive been happier in a long time.
I love life, and yet I feel like I should be better than I am.

Something isn't right, and I dont know what it is.

{- Myself, Explained -}

I am Alyssa Mae { squee, greenie, sparky, occupied japan, sasa, etc }.
I am eighteen { eighteen! it's a miracle! } years old, and live in beautiful Santa Barbara, California. You should be jealous; its perfect.
& Sometimes I just can't wait to leave.

I can be pretty darn amazing, sometimes. ;D
I like to be hyper, and do stupid things. Like go on magical walking adventures all over town, and sing [horribly], and dance, and knit. How crazy is THAT. I even have a knitting blog. Amazing.
{ i can also be totally lame and boring and awful, but that's an entirely different ball of wax }

I have an immense capacity for love, and I, well, love it.
I have a splendid boyfriend, splendid friends, and a pretty splendid family -- most of the time.
I love them all, and their being in my life makes it that much sunnier.

I can act like a huge bitch sometimes { if you have it coming, you have it coming }, but I can also be the sweetest, most caring person you'll ever meet.
And despite what I may say, I love you all. ^^

{- Penguinis -}

Monday, June 29, 2009

everybody come alive.