looking back.

I wrote a poem in Creative Writing today.
First poem Ive written in nearly a year.

I was reading -- and actually reflecting on -- the stuff I wrote on like, October 9th, 13, and November 22.

So here you go.
Im not really that proud of it. But whatever.
I tried to be sincere.




I look back.
And I can see my soul.
The little marks.
The marks that made me fall into bed sobbing.
Made me incapable of composure.
Incapable of breathing.
Incapable of thought.
Unable to even live.

Every emotion.
Every thought.
Every last sensation.
Are all so perfectly imprinted upon my memory.
And all I need.
To go back there, to that place.
Are some words.
Words on a page.
Written in darkness.

The eloquence.
The insight.
The grace that touched my writing.
Vanished with everything.
With the raw emotions that held me.
With the desperate need for truth.
Everything.
But still leaving these memories.

We dance around them.
We never speak of it.
You'd deny it to the ends of the earth.
I never would.

I said I'd try to forget.
I also said I wouldn't.
Negative predictions always materialize.
I have tried.
And I have failed.

Around.
Endlessly, around.
You refuse to acknowledge.
I refuse to force you to.
And so those crazy words.
The ones we once said?
Now never to be said again.

Love.
Is it still wanting happiness?
Not for me, but for you?
My perception never shifts.

Love.
It has become all-too-familiar.
It is an awful kind of torture.
But I love it.
I love you. Forever.




I also think I did okay on my historyyy.

Welcome. To the Italian Renaissance.

Listening To : Pandora Trance Station
Drinking : Coffee!
Activity : History Essay Planning [as well as msn.]

SO. Im going to edit this throughout the night with various and sundry things I discover on wikipedia as Im planning my essay.
So.
Get ready for a lot of random Renaissance facts.
Like, really random.

facts 1 - 3 : added at 1.01 am

Renaissance Fact 1 : Filippo Brunelleschi and Donatello [Donato di Niccolò di Betto Bardi] were good friends.

In case you dont know.
Brunelleschi : Did the super-sexy dome on the Basilica di Santa Maria di Fiore in Florence. Biggest dome in the wooorld, baby!
Donatello : Had a teenage mutant ninja turtle named after him. [more important than what follows.. xD] Created the bronze David [sculpture].

.

They did all sorts of things together.
Like.
x. Went and studied ancient ruins in Rome
- Brunelleschi for his architecture [of the dome!]
- Donatello for his sculpture
x. Made little models of the dome together

From what Ive learned, they both had rather volatile personalities.
Donatello was very untrusting, and Brunelleschi was very.. Easily angered?

Renaissance Fact 2 : Donatello's David Has A Really Small Penis

Its like a little baby carrot!
Seriously!
Go examine it, or something.
Its miniiiii. Mini penis!
I told my dad, and he goes "You know, you have a point. A lot of Renaissance art has their men rather lacking in size. Maybe they just weren't well hung back then?"
I laughed so hard. xD

Renaissance Fact 3 : Raphael Died From Having Sex

Yes. Raphael. The one the ninja turtle is named after.
He died. From having too much sex. xD

"According to Vasari, Raphael's premature death on Good Friday (April 6, 1520) (possibly his 37th birthday), was caused by a night of excessive sex with Luti, after which he fell into a fever and, not telling his doctors that this was its cause, was given the wrong cure, which killed him."
[Luti = Raphael's mistress.]

Kate goes ".. ABSTAIN, KIDS!"

But honestly? Who wouldn't want to do that? That is what I call sexy.
Oh yeaaaah.
-dies laughing-

fact 4 : added at 2.36 am

Renaissance Fact 4 : Giuliano de' Medici's ILLEGITIMATE son became Pope Clement VII.

Okay so I know this one seems pretty random.
I guess I could stand to tell you who Giuliano was.
So there were these two brothers, Lorenzo and Giuliano. Lorenzo was the eldest.
On Easter Sunday, 1478, he was stabbed to death [19 times!] in the Duomo [cathedral] of Florence by Pazzi [rival family] conspirators. They tried to kill his brother.. And failed.
And Lorenzo went on to become Lorenzo the Magnificent, and was patron to such artists as Michelangelo [whom he took into his own home], Da Vinci, Botticelli, and others.
So now that you have background.

When his brother was murderized, Lorenzo adopted his illegitimate son.
Who went on to become a pope.

A POPE.
A love-child!

facts 5 & 6 : added at 5.30 am

Renaissance Fact 5 : Giorgio Vasari loved to gossip -- even in his biographies of artists.

Gosh.
The world is obsessed with gossiping.
How silly. xD
Though now I want to read it, and see what he says about everyone.
ESPECIALLY BRUNELLESCHI AND DONATELLO. LOL.

Renaissance Fact 6 : Michelangelo was a perfectionist.

Yeah, thats right.
If there was one flaw in his work, he considered it ruined.
So there ya go.
Im not crazy -- Im like Michelangelo.
That makes me feel better about myself, though. Yay! Like.
Im not the only one. Rofl. Well, I know Im not.
But Michelangelo!

advertising practice?

Listening To : Cliff & Miley

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With top of the line products such as :

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Everything is efficient and useful!

And now, with an adult line!

Introducing, The Hannah Montana Brand Vibrator.
- Its a microphone!
- It changes colours when warmed!
- It cums with its own little blonde wig!

In no way endorsed by or affilated with Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus / Disney Channel. although we apparently love her so much we obsessively, illegally, smash seemingly random household items together to make crazy Hannah Montana Brand products. WE LOVE YOU MILEY. HAVE OUR BABIES!!!!!111 All rights reserved.

-guitar solo-

Listening To : 37 mm - AFI ; Dead Is The New Alive - Emilie Autumn ; Where'd You Go - Fort Minor
Eating : Quiche
Drinking : Orange Juice
Activity[s] : Procrastinating, MSN, surfing the NaNoWriMo site as always.

I finished my bio just now, so i figure I can blog. ;D

Today was so. much. better. than yesterday.
It was amazing, lol.
Morale of that storyyy? Dont let Alyssa skip her meds. Ever.

I decided what I am going to do my history essay on last night, and told Gordon about it today.
And he was like "That sounds awesome. I cannot wait."
So of course I was like "PARTY."
So what is the essay about?
How Florentine Renaissance-era architecture reflected the driving forces of the Renaissance itself.
Featuring: The Duomo, the Uffizi Gallery, the Academia, the de' Medici family, Giorgio Vasari, and others.

It should be pretty chill.

Anywaaay.
We went to Wetzels Pretzels today for lunch.
That was fun. xD
At our sleepover extravaganza, Wishiah had this crazy dream.
To make it short, there was an orgy going on in the room next door, it was shaking the wall, and the tv fell on Suzie and she died. And then Dillon walked out of the room, followed by like, 20 people.
So anyway.
We were talking about that today at lunch.
And a variety of other strange things. Pubes, at one point. Dunno why.

OH AND TODAY IN CREATIVE WRITING.
I had fun, rofl.
But. But. I planned out the main character of my novel. ;D
I only have like, THREE MORE DAYS.
Three!
Gaaaah. So intense. Im all worried. xD

I also decided how Im going to end James and Marco, so thats good.
Im thinking James will go "Oh, hes hot."
And Marco will just be like "Huh? Yeah, I guess so?"
Like, just be totally cool about it. ;D

What else.
Nothing, really.

WHERE'D YA GO. I MISS YOU SO. SEEMS LIKE ITS BEEN FOREVER. SINCE YOU. BEEN. GONE.
I randomly thought of that song, so randomly listened to it.
Thats why there are three different songs at the top. xD
37 mm is stuck in my head, Dead Is The New Alive is playing, and yeah.
PARTY.
I love music. lolol.

My dad was like "Why dont you listen to music on the walk to school?"
And I gave him this crazy stare, and was all "... BECAUSE I DONT HAVE A MUSIC PLAYER."
And hes like "Oh, haha. Well, what about that teal ipod?"
Referring to my ipod mini. FROM SEVENTH GRADE. Like, 5 years ago.
So Im like "Mmhmm, with its CRAZY five minute battery life! Id get far. Why do you think I want a Zune?"
And he said something stupid I cannot remember. xD
But seriously.
Im still trying to save up money for a Zune.
.. Let me go see how much I have.
[5 minutes later] $44! Thats so fucking /lame/. Rofl. I fail so hard. x___X
Someday. Someday I shall have the $200. No day soon, though, apparently.

Okay and last thing. I wanted to share this poem with you. I really like it.

Daddy's Womb - Carl H., NY

i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.

So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.

i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.

The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.

i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.

i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.

Isnt that interesting?
I thought it was, personally. I dunno what about it, though.
I just really like it.

So with that.
I bid ye adieu.

a casket built for two.

Dead Is The New Alive
Emilie Autumn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjiU-wR1Wlg

Dead is the new alive
Despair's the new survival
A pointless point of view
Give in, give in, give in, give in
You play the game
You'll never win

Dead is the new alive
Life's only living rival
A casket built for two
Give in, give in, give in, give in
You play the game
You'll never win

So take me now or take me never
I won't wait
You're already late
So say goodbye or say forever
Choose your fate
How else can we survive?
Dead is the new alive

Dead is the new alive
A gothic play revival
The last act of the show
Give in, give in, give in, give in
You play the game
You never win

So take me now or take me never
I won't wait
You're already late
So say goodbye or say forever
Choose your fate
How else can we survive?
Dead is the new alive

What is a day without a blessed night?
And what is peace without a blessed fight?
What is a day without a blessed night?
And what is peace without a blessed, blessed, blessed fight?
A quick taste of the poison, a quick twist of the knife
When the obsession with death
The obsession with death becomes a way of life
A quick taste of the poison, a quick twist of the knife
When the obsession with death
The obsession with death becomes a way of life

Alive, alive alive
Oh oh oh oh oh
Alive, alive, alive
Oh oh oh oh oh

worst day ever. well, in a long time.

Listening To : For What Its Worth - The Cardigans [on repeat]
Eating : Some potstickers.
Activity[s] : Working on my history midterm essay, talking on msn, wasting time blogging.

I hate to be blogging on such negative terms, but here we go.
The worst day Alyssa has had in several months. Since she started taking Adderall [sp, probably.], actually.

This is going to cover a LOT, too. But read it. Please. It will tell you all the things that really matter to me right now.
1 - Yesterday
2 - School today
3 - After school today
4 - The drama with my dad & Kerri
5 - The drama with the old house

SO LETS DO THIS.

So to start with some backstory.
I ran out of both of my medications yesterday. Si. Both of them.
My anti depressant and my ADD meds.
So today. Today I was a complete wreck. A bipolar, ADD ridden wreck. It sucked.

Because of my running out of Adderall, yesterday I didnt have any. So I was mega ADD.
And I couldnt do my homework.
So I wake up this morning, and was just like ".. Well fuck. I didn't do any of my homework. Any of it."
So that, of course, made me feel pretty good about myself. x__________X
In the car, I was like, super antisocial.
And I was just so happy my dad didnt harsh me about not doing my homework, because if he had, I wouldn't have been able to manage as well as I did.

So when I got to school, the first thing I did was talk to Jason [my bio teacher. bio was first period today.], and explain myself.
So he both let me off for not doing the study guide ["well, I never actually said it was due today. Its okay."] AND gave me the opportunity when I finished my test to do other homework [by telling the whole class, but he came up to me and muttered "use your time well, Alyssa." I was like "I LOVE YOU."]

So I actually got all of the weekend's required reading in Huck Finn done in Biology.
Im just lucky I read fast.

So then nutrition came around, and I was once again in a panic. [im really bipolar. really.]
So Emma gave me some of her doughnut, and we walked around the block.
Which was like, my lifesaver. One of them.
Because I left nearly in tears, and came back laughing about falafel.

So then I went into English, and was once again all depressed, for no particular reason.
Though, I was happy I managed to get through my Huck quiz.
I added in way too much extra information, because I was like, in a panic.
"And they found a coat with eight dollars sewn in the lining, so they concluded the dead man must have stolen it, otherwise the owners of the house would have taken it with the rest of their money". Beth is going to be like "... yeah."

And then there was history.
In which I panicked again because I hadn't figured out what I was going to do my essay on.
So I was like, trying not to cry. That was fun.

But from that point on, through lunch [during which Emma was so fucking nice to me it was amazing. I was like "I LOVE YOU."], and through gym, I was totally fine.
Go figure.

SO THEN.
AFTER SCHOOL.

I was talking to Jen, this innocent little 7th grader, who I am kind of friends with.
And oh. my. god.
Wishiah, on Friday, was like 'She is such a bitch to all her friends. She's not like that with us, but god.'
And of course, I was like 'I dunno, Wishiah. She doesn't seem that mean. I dont see how she could be that bitchy.'
Hah. Sadly mistaken.

We were talking, and she started to like, backsass me.
And I was like "... Dont, please."
And she kept doing it.
So finally I was like "Okay. Im sixteen. Youre twelve. Cut it out."
And shes like "No, I dont think so."
And so I was pissed off, and was like "Okay. Listen. Being a bitch isnt okay. It doesnt pay off. And Im a bitch, s--"
And she cut me off, and goes "Join the club."
And Im like "Uh, no, Ill pass. Because I want friends."
And she said some bitchy little thing.

And like. She insults me to my face.
Shes like "Eheh, you wear the same thing like, every day. Jeans, a top, and your sunglasses."
And Im just like ".. And? Im not about to come to school fucking naked, I hate shorts, and I dont wear dresses on a regular basis. What the hell is your point?"

AND THEN.

Okay so Leah, Jen and I were talking, and Jen was like "So I think its funny how there are no relationships."
And Leah was like "Yes there are!"
And Im like "Yeaaah, definitely."
So Leah and I listed a couple -- Including Debbie and Antonio.
Both.. 8th graders, I think.
And like, they liked eachother, and then Debbie really rather meanly told Antonio she didnt like him.
And Wishiah and I were talking to Antonio on Friday or whatever, and he was like, super depressed, and as been, because everyone has been mean about it.

So.
We [Emma, Me, Jen, Antonio, and Debbie] were in the computer room, and Jen randomly goes "So it looks like SOMEONE still likes eachother."
And Debbie didnt say anything, and Antonio was like "... Eheh."
And I was just sitting there like ".. Tactless fucking bitch."
Like. She didnt even know about them today, and she doesnt even know the whole story.
She has no right to be saying anything about it.
But I didnt say anything, because its not my job to police everyone.

BUT THEN.
SHE RANDOMLY DECIDES. To start just full on bitching about Josh.
Now. Even though hes in 8th grade. Josh rocks, and is totally one of my good friends.
So miss Jen is like "JOSH. IS SO ANNOYING. Hes kind of funny, sometimes, other times he just tries too hard, but god. Hes so ANNOYING. Hes such an idiot. Oh my god."
And Emma knows me, and because of what happened in the Grand Canyon, knows I cant stand it when people talk about people behind their backs.
So she looks over at me, and I have the brochure for the Savannah school of Art and Design [or something] just sitting in my lap, and I'm trying not to cry.
And she immediately closes whatever she was doing on the computer and pauses, waiting for my to say what she knows I'm about to say.
And in the same tone I use with Colin and Leia, I'm like "Talking. About people behind their backs. Especially people you call your 'friends'. Is NEVER okay. Its rude, disrespectful, and no one will ever trust you."
And Debbie and Jen sit there in silence, Antonio smiles at me, and Emma and I get up and walk out, so I can compose myself.

SO THEN.
WHEN I GET HOME.
Well. When my dad got home.
Im like "So I need to tell you about my daaaay."
And hes like "Okay!"

So I start to, and get up until about Nutrition, and then Kerri gets home.
And meanwhile, Leia had been sitting on the stairs crying, because she wanted Dad to come lay with her until she went to sleep, but he was talking to me.
But as soon as Kerri gets home, he goes upstairs to be with her.
At which point I immediately started sobbing.

And finally, like 20 minutes later, I go upstairs, and between sobs manage to pretty much yell "THIS IS NOT OKAY WITH ME. IM TRYING TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE WORST DAY I HAVE HAD IN MONTHS. IM NOT ANY LESS IMPORTANT."

At which point he came downstairs to listen to my story.

But seriously.
Though I got over it.
Tpday was full of over-reactions.
Though the talking about people thing wasnt one. Thats never okay. I dont care who the fuck it is, damnit.

AND THEN. TO TOP IT ALL OFF.
My dad and I, at like, 10, went over to the old house to steal a boiler plate.

I know some of you know about my old house, but in case you don't.
The Gregory Family's old house.
1732 Santa Barbara Street.
Built in 1904, in the style of that era in Santa Barbara. There are about four other houses downtown that are in the same style, give or take.
It is also known as the Huning Mansion, and was last year given Historical Landmark status
Anyway. Its a pretty significant piece of architecture in Santa Barbara.
To give you a desciption, Ill quote the city council discussion on it becoming said historical landmark.

Though classified as Mission Revival style on the City’s Historical Survey, the house at 1732 Santa Barbara Street exemplifies a hybrid of period styles including Mission Revival, Neoclassical, and a hint of Craftsman. While a fair number of modestly scaled Mission Revival-style houses exist in the City, few substantial two-story examples have retained the architectural integrity of this house. Designed by local architect, J. W. Bagley, and constructed by Edward F. Edwards, a prominent Santa Barbara builder, this house is a stand-out among its neighbors. Known as the Huning Mansion, it was built for retired Arizona cattleman Henry Huning and his wife in 1904. A News Press article dated January 1, 1905, touted the 7,000 square-foot mansion as having the finest interiors ever seen in Santa Barbara. The Hunings continued to live in the house until 1923, after which it sat vacant through 1932. It has had a succession of owners who used it as an inspirational boarding house for the architects of Santa Barbara, and as a hotel during World War II. In 1973, then owner Bonnie Ontiveros opened a business there, selling custom-fitted feminine undergarments, until it was shut down by the City as a zoning violation. A series of sandstone steps and retaining walls lead from the street up to the Neoclassical covered porch, which shelters an extra-wide Craftsman-inspired front door. The slender columns supporting the porch roof and symmetrically placed pergolas are Doric, while the front door and flanking windows feature pointed arched mullions. The façade is symmetrical except for slight differences in the two bay windows. The North bay is rounded, with curved glass windows and a bell-shaped roof, while the South bay is hexagonal. This house retains a high degree of architectural integrity* (with only the roofing material being replaced) and appears much as it did more than 100 years ago. The current owner** has completed extensive renovations of the interior, bringing the exceptional woodwork back to its original condition.

* everything was still perfect. seriously.
** 'current owner' at this time last year. aka, my dad.

So. With that /lovely/ description. Such a bummer we had to move.
So anyway. As I was saying.

The house was /way/ too expensive to run, because its a huge house, and an old house, and its just not very energy efficient.
So we had to sell it. Woeeee.
BUT INTO THE REAL STORY.
[cue copy/pastedness]

They completely. Destroyed it. And its historical value.
Seriously.

One of the coolest things about it was that it was completely heated by the /original/ boiler. And sufficiently, too. The thing was in perfect working order. Note. The boiler itself was /one hundred and four/ years old.
And they /literally/ hacked it apart and put it out on the back lawn as trash.
Like, its completely unsalvageable.
Because they just went at it with an axe and hauled it out of the basement.

But its like. Fucking IDIOTS. They could have /sold/ it to some technical historians who would have LOVED to have a completely functioning 100 year old boiler.

So we just went over to steal the doors to the furnace, which say where, when, and by whom the boiler was made.

I was like "I FEEL ILLEGAL."

And then we went and put them back in Appalachia, which is the rundown workshed in the backyard of this house, and Im like ".. This doesnt help the fact I feel illegal."

But like. It doesnt end there.

My dad put his heart and soul into remodelling the house 10 years ago, when we got it, to make it as historically acurate as possible.

Which included getting some /really/ expensive /handmade/ wallpaper for some of the rooms. [i hate how you can tell where this is going.]
And so when he went over there today.
They had complete torn all of the wallpaper out of the parlour.
Just ripped it off. Rrrriiippppp.

AND. Thats not even it.. They also hacked apart one of the original fireplaces, including the amazingly goregous, handcarved mantle. Handcarved. BY HAND. Gaah.

And then, less historically, they tore out ALL the landscaping in the front yard. All of it.
There is like. A half-dead lawn in the front now [because no one has watered it].
It used to have two giant, really green, really leafy trees, hedges lining the front walk, orange trees up against the upper porch, beautiful lawns, and then the whole front of the yard [down by the street] was lined with an assortment of really pretty bushes and flowers and stuff.

And Puteri, when I was telling her this, asked "Did they not know how old the house is, or whatever?"

And what makes it that much worse, is that they totally knew.
My dad, like I said, LOVED that house.
And he knew ALL the history of it. All of it.
He could give a three hour tour of the house. Explain where EVERYTHING came from, what it was like originally, what all the rooms were.
So of course, he gave prospective buyers that over the top tour. So the guy knows everything there is to know.

And the main reason he ended up selling it to the guy he sold it to was because said guy said he loved old houses, and that hed restore it.
He said he'd restore it. He went in and destroyed it.
Lied to us. Completely. Utterly and completely lied.

And the main reason Im so distressed is because I know it breaks my dads heart, to think that the house he put that much money and time and love into is just completely reverting to what it was, if not worse, before he got it.
Its not just like everything is covered up again. Its destroyed. Thats worse. So much worse.

So yeah. Thats the house saga. x______________X

SO. YOU THINK YOU HAD A BAD DAY.
WHAT. NOW. DUDE.
WHAT. NOW.

heaven holds a sense of wonder.

Silence
Delerium ft. Sarah McLachlan
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOPBC_j6EYg

Give me release
witness me
I am outside
give me peace

Heaven holds a sense of wonder
and I wanted to believe
that I'd get caught up
when the rage in me subsides

In this white wave
I am sinking
in this silence
in this white wave
in this silence
I believe

Passion chokes the flower
'til she cries no more
possessing all the beauty
hungry still for more

Heaven holds a sense of wonder...

I can't help this longing
comfort me
I can't hold it all in
if you won't let me

Heaven holds a sense of wonder...

In this white wave
I am sinking
in this silence
in this white wave
in this silence
I believe

I have seen you
in this white wave
you are silent
you are breathing
in this white wave
I am free

I have listened to the Tiesto remix of this song in the past, but dad played the original for me today, and I love it.

its a miracle you're walking around.

Countdown
Jupiter One
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tt2ZXyMYzYM

And so it begins...
countdown, can you think of a reason why
you so love it downtown?
I met you in the middle of the scandalous town.
It's a miracle you're walking around.
Countdown in a dark town, and so it begins...

It started with a minute of your favorite sound.
A sexy little secret of a radio song
I wish it wasn't floating around.
Countdown to a tight sound, and so it begins...

Can you think of a reason why it's your favorite town
it caught you with your finger on a video girl
America is watching you now
Countdown to a night gown

Hey now, wake up!
It's a beautiful day
Hey now, look up!
You're always turning away.
Are you falling asleep.
Hey now, wake up!
Are you looking away?
Hey now, look up!
Are you watching?
It's a brand new day and you shouldn't be fading away.

And so it begins..
Countdown, it's the time of the season
when you're a man around town.
Imagination taking you where no one else can.
Floating on sins that surround.
Countdown in a dark town, and so it begins..

Hey now, wake up!
It's a beautiful day
Hey now, look up!
You're always turning away.
Are you falling asleep.
Hey now, wake up!
Are you looking away?
Hey now, look up!
Are you watching?
It's a brand new day and you shouldn't be fading away.

And so it begins...
countdown, can you think of a reason why
you so love it downtown?
I met you in the middle of the scandalous town.
It's a miracle you're walking around.
Countdown in a dark town, and so it begins...

It started with a minute of your favorite sound.
A sexy little secret of a radio song
I wish it wasn't floating around.
Countdown to a tight sound, and so it begins...

Are you falling asleep.
Hey now, wake up!
Are you looking away?
Hey now, look up!
Are you watching?
It's a brand new day and you shouldn't be fading away.

And so it begins..

And so it begins indeed.
Welcome to Penguinis, where Alyssa has no qualms about starting out blog posts with lyrics.
Also, welcome to October 14th, where it is a Tuesday this fine year.
Welcome to your imagination.

Alright done with that.
I must say, Ive been /really/ loving music lately.
Like really.
New music, too. Not just stuff I know.
The Bomb - Neuroticfish
The Battle - Colony 5
Organism - Regenerater
To give you some of the more hardcore, dark - industrial - techno - type songs.

So.
I have a new mission in life.
Mind you, it is just another additional thing I want to do.
Its not like, all of the sudden some random thing that Im taking up in place of architecture for a career.
"Shut the hell up, and just tell us!"
Yes, oh readers in my mind.
I want to become a contortionist. Yeah. I went there.

Okay but really.
Give me a second to explain.

1 - It looks really fucking cool.
2 - I learned that you dont have to be born double jointed to be a contortionist. In fact, its impossible to have a double jointed spine. It is merely practice and devotion.
3 - A more flexible spine improves your quality of life, and keeps you healthier further into your old age.
4 - It has been proven that contortionists live longer than people in other professions.
5 - In theory, it is the cheapest form of exercise -- you need nothing but your body.

I mentioned it in Italian today, and I think Suzie [italian teacher, in case you forgot] thinks Im freaking crazy.
Her first comment was "I think youre at the wrong school..."
As if I was going to give up my academics to be a circus performer -- yeah right.
And then her second point was you can really hurt yourself. But only if youre not careful. As if I wouldnt be careful?
I dont know as if I want to cripple myself, Im not about to rush into something.
Im not stupid.
So that was kind of deflating, because she wasn't supportive at all. Not that I need her to be, but it was just kind of startling.

But dude.
Even in just the two days Ive been regularly stretching out my muscles, and working on breathing super deeply, using my whole lungs, I feel amazing. o.o
I was only hungry for healthy food today.
So thats pretty awesome. ;D

Anyway.
PSATs are tomorrow, so Im off to look over some vocabulary.
And stretch. ;D

supermassive black hole.

Listening To : Disarm - Smashing Pumpkins [this song is love]
Activity[s] : The s2c yearbook, admiring my papercutting. Should be doing History.

I HAVE YOU CATCH YOU CRAZY PEOPLE UP LIKE WOAH.
OMG.
It has been SO long, my life is DRASTICALLY different than it was last time I posted.
This is going to take a WHILE.

1 - Anacapa
2 - Grand Canyon
3 - More Anacapa
4 - Probably Even MORE Anacapa
5 - Music
6 - Art
7 - Bonding [more Anacapa]
8 - Life Update
9 - OMG NIK. xD

That's the itinerary for this blog post.
Pack your bags, grab a refreshment, and get ready to rock.
[for once, the title relates to the post itself!]

___ oo1 : Getting Into Anacapa

So this was like a month ago now, rofl.
And Im still amazed. Seriously. Its like. A miracle. xD

So after I passed out all those things, and then turned them all in, I have to do MORE stuff.
First, I had to have an interview with the headmaster.
And I like. I dunno. I still dont know how I did. But I was freaking out.
And made a kinda bad first impression, because JUST as I was texting April to say I was scared, he came out. So it looked like I had been texting the whole time. xD

And then, I had to shadow someone two days later.
So I ended up shadowing this chick named Molly [she's so awesome, lol.].
And yeah. It was pretty great. xD
I had Bio [which I am now in], then AP Literature [not in that one, which is probably a good thing. i felt like i was in a college class. o.o], then World History [in that]. And then lunch. And then Creative Writing. xD
And i guess I made a good impression [i really tried, lol. I was like, as smart as I could possibly be that day.], because an hour after I left my dad called and was like "YOU GOT IN."
And I was walking home, and nearly fell over and died on Victoria Street.
And like screamed.
And the guy behind me sped up, sidestepped me, and hurried away. xDDDDDD

So then, Friday, I had to go at 10 to go over the handbook with the headmaster [Gordon!].
And then, after that, he was like ".. Why dont you stay the rest of the day?"
So I went to school. xD

So I didn't get in until the Friday of the week school started, which isn't quite what i wanted.
But Im not complaining, becaaaaaauseeeee.....

___oo2 : The Grand Canyon

Because I got into Anacapa when I did, I got to go to the Grand Canyon.
Because see. The school, every year, has a beginning of the year trip and an end of the year trip. Bonding, and such.
So. Gordon asked me, my dad, and Dr. Geis if we all thought I should go on the trip, because they were leaving Monday.
And we ended up saying yes.
So the whole weeked after I got in, I was getting all this stuff together for 5 days in the Grand Canyon.
Talk about crazy.
I had like, half a day of school before I was off for a week. xD
I didnt even know anyone at that point.

Now I could spend a million years telling you about the trip, it was craaaazy.
And when I say crazy. I mean CRAZY. Rofl.
So I'll give you the highly abbreviated version. Sound awesome? I hope so. ;D

x. Day 1, Monday
We got to school at 5 am. Packed the buses. Left at about 5.45.
Drove TWELVE HOURS to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon.
We went through UTAH, lol. xD
Anyway. We got there, unpacked the buses, hunted down our stuff.
The tent we [as in me, and everyone else in said tent] were staying in was INSIDE OUT.
So we spent 20 minutes un-inside-outing it, then 20 more putting it up.
Then our food group made dinner.
And then we.. did something. o.o I think we sang around the campfire. xD
And then went to bed. lol.

x. Day 2, Tuesday
We got up. Dude. At like, 6 am, we were woken up by people playing outside. People from our school, of course.
BUT SIX AM. It was crazy. xD
Anyway, we ate breakfast, and partied, and then we had this presentation put on by a couple of the rangers.
I feel like Im obligated to say that one of them, the male [rofl], was really adorable. xD
He told us about all sorts of crazy things, too. xP
At one point, I ended up asking "Do the people who fall off the cliffs get eaten by condors before you get to them?"
Morbidity. My specialty.
OH AND. By that point, Emma and I were going around going "My pussy is moist." xDDDDDDDD
MOVING ON.
We hiked to this lodge thing.
It was pretty gangster. It was the first time we really got a jaw-dropping view of the canyon.
We all nearly fell off a cliff, Wishiah and I ate some awesome cactus juice jelly candy, and then we went back to the camp.
We went to a FORMAL campfire song thing that night. Fun stuff. xD

x. Day 3, Wednesday
THE DAY OF THE TEN MILE HIKE.
Hahaha. I wont leave it at that, I promise. xD
So he made this little boat... and it didnt work, and it sunk, and he got wet. and he cried, but he was getting even wetter from all the crying.. so he EXPLODED. and then the guacomole exploded. and then.. and then it exploded again.
Ahem.
**So we went on this ten mile hike... And it was pretty gangstaaa?
It was five miles up [sort of up, anyway. five miles to the end.] to this awesome view.. thing. Seriously? You walked out, and then you could see this fantastic view of the canyon. I actually sketched it. ^^
And group five was pwn.
Emma, and Wishiah, and Dmitri, and Josh, and Chris, and.. Brenda? Maybe Sonia too? Something like that. xD
Anyway, everyone made fun of the way i walk. Because I walk like a girl. o.o Like, swing my hips.
But not like a spazz! So I dont know. xD I was all self conscious, but fell over when I tried to walk "normally".
Anyway.
On the way back.
I had this utterly fascinating conversation [if you could call it that] with this kid Josh.
Hes in 8th grade, lol. But like. I, who am curious about everyone anyway, was like, utterly fascinated. Because he's super charismatic, and I had to know why.
I don't really, even now, but Im getting there. xD
So yeah. That was pretty chill. We were exhausted when we got back to camp. I can't remember what we did. i think we just bummed around like dorks. <3

x. Day 4, Thursday
Thursday fucking SUCKED. I dont even want to think about it, but I have to. At least Im almost done, this post is massive enough as it is. xD
We went on the worst hike in the entire world. THE. ENTIRE. WORLD.
It was only four miles! -fake smile-
Two miles down into the canyon, and then two miles back up.
Now, I have to say. We were group five again, and on the way down, we ended up passing up everyone, so we were group two [group one like, runs. xD] So we were pretty proud of ourselves.
Even though I ended up falling and both tearing my jeans [xD] and twisting my ankle [not xD].
But the way back up, dear god. I was convinced I was going to die.
For some reason, I was completely incapable of surviving. Every thirty steps, I felt like I was going to die. So our group ended up having to go really slow. I felt so awful.
But it ended up being pretty chill, anyway. xD
We passed these people who were smoking pot, and ended up joking about both that and Emma's squeaky bra all the way up to the top.
And then. Dude. Okay. We went to these places. But the most important part of that was that we went to this point, thing.
And we walked out onto this rock.
And holy shit. I have never seen anything so beautiful in my lifeeeee. <3
Moving on. That night, we all said what we appreciated it. My speech was pretty pwn. xD [im rushing through this, can you tell?]

x. Day 5, Friday
We got up at 6.
Packed everything up, carried it ALL up a quarter mile uphill to the buses [although Josh ended up forcing me [im serious!] to let him carry my stuff, so I was like 'party!'.]
And then Emma and I spent the whole time everyone else was loading the buses in the general store, buying jewelry. xD
So then we drove home?
Emma and I were in the VERY front, right behind Gordon. It was fun. (:
We stopped at one point to get some food, and Emma, Aubrey and I went to subway.
And walking back through the parkinglot, we were like "WHAT ARE THOSE THREE CRAZY LESBIANS DOING WITH THOSE SANDWICHES?!"
Fun stuff. xD
We got back to town at like, 9.45.
And yeah. Thats that.

___oo3 : Anacapa

Im getting tired of blogging, now. So. Lets see. Anacapa.

My first two weeks of school ended up to be pretty freaking awesome. xD
I feel like such a nerd saying that, but it really has been pretty chill.
Its like. The complete polar opposite of Dos Pueblos. And while I kinda miss DP, Im totally happy.

My classes are like. Awesome.
The people there, teachers and my friends alike, are pretty awesome as well.
I dunno. I feel like I have a grasp on my life for the first time in several years.
Like, I feel stable.
And you have no idea what that means to me.

I'll give you a quick rundown on my schedule. Its block, so half the time Im confused as fuck. lolol.

x. Biology
Pretty self explainatory. xD All the class names are, i guess. xD
Anyway. Bio. Jason teaches it, and its pretty wicked. Hes awesome, rofl.
He lets us do things that could be potentially dangerous. Like boil things that could like, catch on fire.
And the book. Bahahaha.
Its written by someone with the dryest sense of humor. Its hilarious. Seriously.

x. Algebra 2
Math. Blarg.
Although, the other day, Bryan [teacher] wrote our grades in the class in all on the top of our paper.
I have a 104% in that class.
So I guess im doing pretty well? xDDDD
Its not bad, really. But thats only because were in chapter 1, which is like, solving 3x - 1 = 8. Not that hard.
Im dreading the rest of the year. xD

x. American Literature
Im like, hating this class. Only because Im hating the stuff we have to read.
We're reading the Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass.
And it fucking SUCKS. I hate it so much. So so so so so so so much.
I hate reading things I dont want to read.
However. We do some funny madlibs in that class. "And you too can be as flammable as Huy!"

x. Italian 2
Yesss. Italian 2. My schedule wouldn't let me be in Italian 1. Isnt that sad. x_________X
But Suzie, Gordon's wife, teaches it. And she's super nice.
And even though I constantly feel like Im losing it, and feel like Im completely unable to learn anything, I got a perfect score on the test on Friday.
So I guess Im doing okay.
o.o

x. World History
Gordon teaches this class, rofl. So its like. Whuutttt.
Its actually super fun, though. xD
I love history as it is, and the people I sit with are pwn.
Those people being Emma and Aubrey, pretty much. xD
Although I have shitload of work to do for Monday, so Im like x.x Rofl.

x. Creative Writing
I really dont think Im going to explain. Its not that hard.
I wrote this story about this gay guy and his straight best friend.
NO THEY DO NOT FALL IN LOVE.
Its still pretty pwn, though.

x. Gym Fitness
.. This class. Every Monday and Wednesday, we go to the gym.
And it is so freaking tiring.
i love it, though. Seriously. Im gonna be super sexy. ;D
Its like, for 2 hours. So its a workout like you wouldnt believe. xD

___oo4 : Even More Anacapa

So now that you have my schedule, and see what I learn every day [i'll probably explain the days at a later date.].
In between all that, Im being the crazy person I am. <3
Im totally not kidding, either.
My friends are convinced I have no shame. Rofl. xD
I kinda don't, too. But thats TOTALLY BESIDE THE POINT. -shifty eyes-

At nutrition and at lunch, we can go on epic journeys [walk] to get food.
So like, there's this bakery across the street.
And then the other day, Aubrey, Josh and I walked to Blenders, that was fun.
Emma and I want to walk down and get crepes sometime this week. Cause there's this crepe place a block down.

And then. We just do stupid things, I dunno.
I can't even begin to list the stupidity that occurs between classes.

Moving on.

___oo5 : Music

Okay so.
In the past month or whatever its been, I have discovered some of the most AMAZING music.
Where to start is a predicament.

Shiny Toy Guns.
They fired their old female lead singer, and got a new one. And completely redid their sound.
And it fucking ROCKS.
Ricochet is like, highpowered and lsdkgjslkhg.
And Frozen Oceans is mellow, and haunting, and relaxing.
And I love them both.

Disarm, Smashing Pumpkins.
I actually heard this song yesterday. And its like omggggggggg. <3
So pretty.

Lady Gaga.
Ive started to actually listen to music by her other than Just Dance, and love it.
Poker Face is majorly catchy like woah.
And Love Games is hilarious. xD "Lets have some fun, this beat is sick. I wanna take a ride on your disco stick!"
And Paparazzi is super pretty.
She's so amazing, I dont even know.

Electro Gypsy, Slavonic.
AWESOME SONG. NOTHING MORE TO SAY.

The Used.
Hahahahah. I started listening to them again.
I loved that band so much in like, 7th grade.
And once, I was reading stuff about MCR's Gee.
And it didn't occur to me I used to even know who The Used was.
I was like "Well, thats a band Ive never heard.".
Of course, as soon as I listen to them, I was like HOLY SHIT.

Coheed and Cambria.
Started listening to them, again, too.

Too Many To List!
Seriously.
Im so behind on sharing music with you peoples. x.x

___oo6 : Art

Well. There actually isnt that much to tell.

On the way to the Grand Canyon, I did some drawing. Of things I'd see, mostly.
And then when I was there, i did that one sketch, like I said.
But thats been it for pencil art. ._.
I really want to do something abstract, but I dont know what yet.

But today.
Well, starting last night.
I experimented in papercutting.
As in, cutting intricate shapes from paper.
I did the Leaning Tower of Pisa for the cover of the folder for the Italian recipes from when we cook on Wednesdays [more on that another time].
And it took like, 12 hours of CONSTANT WORK. I slept in the middle of that, but yeah. So. Much. Work.
omg. It looks SO AWESOME though.
Seriouuuusllyyyy.
I'll have to like, scan it, or take a picture, or SOMETHING at some point. xD

___oo7 : Bonding! [more Anacapa.]

Shit Im so tired of blogging right now. xD
This is the longest blog post EVER. I wouldn't be surprised if you've gotten up to pee at least once.

Anyway.
On Friday, every week we have "Friday Activities".
Last week's was advisor meetings [my advisor is Suzie, weee.].
And this week, we had class activities.
Every class has a teacher that is 'in charge' of them, in a sense. And Gordon is 'in charge' of us.
So he took us up to the Trout Club.
For those of you [most all of you] who arent in SB, the Trout Club is this little community up off Highway 154, thats like, in the middle of nowhere.
And Gordon and Suzie live up there, so yeah.

Anyway. Gordon took us up there [us being the 10th grade. lol 10th. I cant believe Im in 10th grade again.], and we went to his house, and had lunch.
They have such a pretty house.
And such a nice garden, omg. It was absolutely stunning. <3
I had an avocado for lunch, rofl. That was it. Just an avocado. With lemon and salt. I ate it out of the.. peel?

Then we walked down [and then up] to the creek up there, and to this swimming hole.
Omg it was so cool. Seriously.
The swimming hole itself was like, 10 feet deep. And there was this rock that you could jump off of, about 8 feet up.

I, however, didn't have a bathing suit, because in switching houses, I just.. Dont have one. xD
So I was like "Hm."
And I would have gone in in my clothes, but I was wearing jeans, and I had to walk home because I had forgotten my phone.
But Wishiah let me wear her shorts, so I went in anyway. xD In my green polo and some jean shorts.
Wishiah and I jumped off the rock, holding hands, and there is a picture of it I hope no one ever sees, because I probably look terrified. xD

But it was super fun.
We swam around, then went up to this little pool up a little higher, and there were all these ladybugs in the water.
They got in my hair. xD

But yeah.
Class bonding. It was totally wicked.
We had way too much fun. xD

___oo8 : Life Update

Alright. I kind of eluded to it, but.
I'm staying at my dads. Probably for the rest of the school year.
I am not motivated in the slightest to try and go back to my mums.
I love it here. So. Much.
Its so much more stable. I feel like.. Normal. So. I dunno.
I feel so mean, when I say I dont want to go back.
But I really dont. x.x

___oo9 : OMG NIK.

Lol. Omg. Omg. Omg.

IN MARCH.
I get to see the kid.
Granted, he'll be 18, so he's not really a kid.
BUT STILL.
IM SO EXCITED. Wtffffff.
I was 14 when I saw him last.
Im so dramatically different now. I hope Im not offputting.
Because I find myself so much more interesting.

I remember, I was just starting to curse.
So whenever Id say "fuck", my heart would race.
Pretty random. xD

But yeah.
So.
March.
Im going to become increasingly more and more spastic.

BUT UNTIL THEN.
Im lonely as fuck.
Alyssa needs a boyfriend.



SO THERE YOU HAVE IT. It only took me like, an hour and a half to write that shit.
Its like, 10.30 now, rofl.
But yeah.
You have been sufficiently updated.