Blueberries!

Okie dokie.
So today, I was sitting in history...
Alex wouldn't even look at me... >.>
I walked over to Elizabeth [who sits right next to him..], and he still didnt look at me...

So anyway, Elizabeth was like "Whats up?"
And I just kinda looked at her and frowned, and he grabbed my hand and was like "Tis okayy..."
And she nodded over in Alex's direction, then had a questioning look, and I just sort of nodded...
And she's like "Yeah, he told me.."
And I shrugged, and we talked about how the two of us don't eat [I found someone who gets sick!]..
Shes so sweet, I love her..
She has the prettiest features, too.. Just.. Stunning.
I don't quite understand how he can /not/ like her.. Gosh.
So, back to history..
We took this test today, and yeah.
I totally didn't know any of the answers.. I didnt even have all my Cornell notes. ;-;
How the hell am I supposed to know which king was a fecking Puritan?!
And of course, Alex wouldnt look at me. The whole time.
It was terrible.. Like.. Ugh.
I hate how he acts like he never even knew me...
Buttttt!
Mr. Ratelle gave me [and only me] a starburst.
Isnt that nice?!

So, while I was sitting...
I realized the fact my relationship with Alex completely failed because of me.
Like no one has told me that... >.>
But still.
I figured it out all on my own..
I was to unwilling, subconsiously...
Damn me.
I need to tell my subconsiousness to fuck off and die.
Its ruining my life.

What else happened todayyyy...

Oh. Chris was super cute in Physics.
He helped me braid my hair. :p
And and and. He was like "Im going to break this chair over your head!"
And I looked at him funny, and he came over and hugged me, and was like "Nah, I wouldnt do that.. Youre too nice." :]
Isnt that sweet?
It made me feel super special..

Uhmmmm.
In English, Fineberg was super scary..
I swear, he'll kill us all someday. >.>
Scary.

What else...
In Latin.
We learned conjugation.
Again...
Rofl.

OH! Driver's Ed was fun..
I just cannot remember why. xD

My life is so weird.
OH. One more class.
Math.

So we had a group test..
Our group kicked ass..
Twas me, Blue, Midget Kid, Tyler, Tyler, and Mikey.
We get minus 3 for having too big a group.. xD

But anyway. We planned my funeral..
The food served will be mini bagels, pizza, watermelon, and tequila. :]

I think we failed the test, though. xD

<3

>.>

My fucking whore of a [ex]boyfriend...

After everything that has been going on, and the fact we havent even been talking...
Ughhhhh.

Okay.
So Im sitting in the car, and I get this text.
"Hey, I cant give you a ride, so meet me there at like, 8.30..."
And I was like "o.O"
And my mom goes "Thats the most fucked up thing Ive ever heard..."
Crazy ho.

But, at least were broken up now..

Then he goes "Lets just go as friends..."
And Im like "No.. Youre a cute boy, find one of those friends you make out with all the time, and go with them."
And no response, buahaha.
:]

Ill just stick with my Swiss Chocolate, whether I can actually have it or not. <333

Blah.

Tra la la..

I have nothing worthwhile to blog about...

Except that I can solve 3^(2x)=81
In math.
Yah.
Cause Im Sveeeedish.
:D

Im bugging people on MSN, listening to The Sounds, and talking on the phone. :]
Yah.
Pretty much...

Pathetic, yah?
Yah.
Yahhhhh. :d
Eyelicker!

Hmph.

You think you have something completely under control...

Okay, so thats a lie.
Ive never once thought that...
But.

Ugh.

Anyway, moving on.
I figure /one/ post that has nothing to do with the silly drama in my life might be nice.
So.
:D

----

There was this super weird guy at school today..
Blue were trying to see how close we could get to Alex without him noticing us...
And there was this sticker on a locker that said "Is it ____ta?"
Cause it had been torn, so we didn't know what it said..
So we were like "Is it ganstaaa?"
And Blue said "Yeah, cause thats gonna happen.. 'Can you go?' 'I dunno, is it gansta?'"
And I started laughing...
And then this dude randomly came up to us and was like "Did you tell her a really funny joke or something..?"
And we looked at him, and I thought she knew him, so i was like "No.. Hahah. No.. Hahahaha."
So we explained it..
And now, I think he wants to stalk us. o.o
Scary scary.

Uhm... What else...?
I dunno. XD

Orange is a pretty color. :D

Reality.

My boyfriend is hurt.
Because when he twirls my hair around his finger,
and tells me he loves me,
there is no way for me to respond.
I sit in a silence, and he turns away.
I can say nothing, because I am full of doubt.
I cannot respond, even smile in response.
He blinks, and wonders if I heard...
I nod in response.
But still say nothing.
The same doubt I had to endure,
it follows me.
I can see the pain in his eyes.
And it scares me.
I want to kiss him, want to show him that I /do/ care, my silence isn't anything against him..
And I cannot.


Im worried.
I scare myself.
Nothing seems real anymore.
Nothing moves, nothing changes.
My life seems like a dream, one I think is real.
I need proof I did something, memories are not enough.
My heart is beating fast,
yet so very slow.
Ive listened to the same song about a million times...
It soothes me.
In its sadness...

This isnt because of anything Im used to.
Its odd..
Lonely.

Sometimes...

... I cannot help but wonder...

Why life works the way it does.
Why, when you try to get over someone, you only like them more.
When you find someone you really like, something holds you back.
When you think you know whats happening, something changes.

Why when you think you're happy, you suddenly realize..
You arent.

Coldness, Indeed. :/

It was cold.
So cold.
Ugh.
I froze, I knew I would.

It was fun though..
Definetely fun.
:]

We walked from school to the beach [thats like, 3 miles...]
And then yeah..
The water was fucking cold.
Like running into ice.
Brr, much.
So then, after like, 3 minutes, we went and just sort of sat there, rofl.
By the way.
Putting pants on while a bit damp = impossible.

So then we walked back to Camino, and some cute guy in Starbucks gave me a dollar off my coffee...
Hahaha. Alex totally glared at me when I told him that.

So the football game.
I saw all these people I know... [rofl, it was hilarious. Kyle goes by, and hes like "Holy shit! Are you guys going out?!" And we were like "Uhh.. What do /you/ think?"], and there was rain running down my arms and my back, and my hair was wet, and the boyfriend was warm, the whole atmosphere was awesome..
And then, last night, Alex was talking about having Coach P as a Health teacher, and he accidentally said "Having sex with Coach P was funny."
So yeah. I got to use that a lot tonight...
"Well, at least its better then HAVING SEX WITH COACH P!" XDDD

So anyway. We won the game, for the record.

So today was good. :]

I tried not to think about anything else..
Failed.
But tried my best...

I only want to be happy.

Coldness.

The boyfriend is forcing me to go to the beach before the football game tomorrow.
And go in the water.
Im going to freeze.
My.
Ass.
Off.

He totally owes me, the ho.

Anyone who knows me knows I hate being cold.
But nooooo.
I have to go anyway.
Ugh.

Yes. Thoughts.

I cannot help but wonder.

Where people would be if everyone was perfect.
If everyone could say whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted.
If everyone could express everything they wanted.
If life was perfect, in that sense.

Life is an endless battle.
And it won't end.
Until the day I die.
And even then, it will continue.

Ill still make people cry.
Ill still underestimate the power of the things I do.
Cause no one will ever tell me.
But I wont mean to.
Ill be innocent.
Im not mean.
Im not vindictive.
Im a loving, caring, worrying person.
Everything I do, is me just trying to survive.
Trying to make sense.
Trying to be what I think people want me to be
And even then.
I fail.
Miserably.

Apparently, there is nothing to fail at.
But if there is nothing, then I fail even more.
It makes perfect sense.

However, the logic is lost.
I can make no sense of anything I think or say.
Contrary to popular belief.
I cannot even understand myself.
And damn, I try.
In every period.
Every moment.
Of every day.
I wonder.
I think.
I hope.
That someday, things will work out.
Even though they never will.
Cause not talking is the only way out.
A lie.
A terrible, terrible lie.
That could never be true.

Love.
Wanting someone to be happy.
No matter what it does to me.
Not a care in the world.
I think.
I even fail at that.
I refuse to see past myself.
Past this fog.
That I left myself in.
And no matter how much it is shaken.
I cannot get out.

Sometimes I wish.
That I didnt exist.
I have to go to school tomorrow.
And pretend to be happy.
Kiss a boy I dont love.
And try to forget.
And I wont.
Ill try.
But I wont try hard enough.
Cause I wont want to.

Alyssa's Journal : Written out.

So, while I listen to upbeat musics.
I shall copy down what I wrote in my journal earlier.
Its really just a whole page of drawings and words, with some structure.
So Ill put down what'll make sense.
A bit. :p





So it ends.
A charade.
A fantasy.
A nightmare.
Never to be forgotten.
Never wanting to remember.
A broken shard
Of a crystal shape
Rests upon cool tile.
The coldness creeping into the sparkling glass
Forgotten.
Abandoned.
Replaced.
A delicate balance,
A gentle happiness.
Destroyed.
Lost.
Done.


What could have been,
but never grew.
What could have soared,
but never flew.


Once cannot help but wonder.
What would have
Could have been.
If fate only cared,
If time only waited.


A Fleeting Moment In Time
can mean nothing.


Love.
An illusion.
A lie.
A false hope.
A dream.
That no one shall ever achieve,
but everyone will yearn for.


Illusion.
Lies.
Love.
Just a haunting memory.

Purty Houshes.

Ill write it in yellow. :]

Okie dokie.
So Cliff and I have this house, in the world of the imaginary house farm.
Its cool.
You know.

Okay.

So.

Its yellow. 2 stories. With a tower!
And, the tower's Cliff's, but whatever. Its still there.
I sleep on the window seat, so I figure its important, right?

But Im better, cause I get the master bedroom downstairs..
Its pretty..
A dusky green and a medium brown..
With pretty gold accents, and delicate leafy things.
And a stone fireplace..
All dramatic and big and cold looking.. Something I can put pictures on the mantle.
With a big, plush, cream rug. :]
And those decorative twig things you can get at Z-Gallerie.

But anyway...
The dining room is all darkwood.. The walls, the floors.. Everything.
With dark red, and peach accents.
But not too peachy.
Not like, pizza-vomit.
:D

We have a big, lush garden, with all sorts of pretty green plants, and little pebble paths, with a stone bench here and there, in the shade.
And a cobblestone driveway. And a path.
And the whole house is yellow.
With a brick first floor.
Which I think sounds really pretty. :]

Oh oh oh. And we'll have a sunroom..
With plants.
And a white iron table, so we can eat dinner out there either in summer or when it's raining...
And yeah.

Amazing, eh? ^-^

Silence.

Look, Greenie can write too.




After everything.
The insults, the lies, the silent, secret betrayal...
Lost in the comfort of soft, white fluff..
The wind howling outside the window
Sounding like voices of the dead, shrieking
Crying
Calling, for something
The book, thin pages between shaking fingers
The words gone unread
Blurred
By tears and disinterest
The cold somehow seeping in through the closed glass, the sealed door, the dormant fan..
All in silence but the howling, the rustle of the pages, and the far off bass of a song.
Slow, bored, confused thoughts.
Random people,
places,
moments,
memories...
Nothing else to think of.
But happiness.
Delusion.
Joy.
Hot tears making silent paths down flushed, fevered skin.
A path.
A mark.
Look, weve been here.
Weve claimed this as our own.
Its ours.

[de]Motivational

I got bored, so I decided Id look around on the internet for amusing things. :]

So, here we go.

http://despair.com/viewall.html

Some of my favorites :

Wishes : When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.

Stupidity : Quitters never win, and winners never quit. But those who never quit AND never win are idiots.

Quality : The race for quality has no finish line, so technically its more like a death march.

Overconfidence : Before you try to beat the odds, be sure you could survive the odds beating you.

Power : Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. But it rocks absolutely, too.

Change : When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can become deadly projectiles.

Doubt : In the battle between you and the world, bet on the world.

Dysfunction : The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.

Loneliness : If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone.

Madness : Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"

Killer-Quiche!

ALyssa is listening to Rise Against, therefore she is FUCKING AMAZING.

I tried to get my mom to take me to school or 5th and 6th, but.. She wouldnt do it, lol.
Im supposed to be home sick, and Im bored [and hyper] as fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
FUCK.
Fun world, lulz.

Okay, soooo.
This morning.
I slept a bit..
/Someone/ texted me at 4.30.. What a moron. "Are you awake?"
"NO IM NOT AWAKE!"
But I was asleep..
So I couldnt say anything. <3

Thennnnn I woke up at about 9.30, got some water, and grabbed my book on painting clouds and Ellen's graduation present...
Read the book, went through the present... "Gotta love those shrimps!"
I was all happy, lol.

Then I read my diary, and wrote in it a bit.
Made me a bit sad..
Hmph.

Ive texted a lot...
Random things. XD
Dreams about engagement...
:]

I wanted to go to school so I could tell Mr. Long I was obtuse, but.. Meh. :/

Ellen is transferring into my History class.
Woot!
I ish teh happieeeee!

Weeeee. Music.
Weeeee. Quiches.
Weeeee. Wee!

Weee.

3rd post in one night.
What a dork.
But.
This song.
Is amazing.
And I love it.
SO MUCH.
Ugh.
Its like, wow.
Amazing.

Swing Life Away
Rise Against

Am I loud and clear or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, are we just getting more lost?
I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words


We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand


I've been here so long; think that its time to move
The winter's so cold summer's over too soon
So let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow
I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times
I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go


We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand


swing life away
swing life away
swing life away
swing life away

I FIGURED IT OUT.

Obtuse:
1. not quick or alert in perception, feeling, or intellect; not sensitive or observant; dull.
2. not sharp, acute, or pointed; blunt in form.
3. (of a leaf, petal, etc.) rounded at the extremity.
4. indistinctly felt or perceived, as pain or sound.

....
Cliff, youre such a ho. :p

But.
[21:26] Wrathofdecision: So you should ask him why he was calling you "rounded at the extremity".
-cackles-

Tonight, Tonight

The title doesnt make sense to me either, so if you ask, Ill shoot you. :]
Its probably just cause Im listening to Tonight Tonight by Smashing Pumpkins right now. :p
Good song. :]

Soooo. Today.
I was home sick.
How sad. ;--;
I missed the really depressing assembly, apparently.
Ellen says it makes her want to hug people...
Lulz.
HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG THE PENGUINS.

Soooo..
I dont know.
Im all giggly, lol.
I hate that..
It makes me feel so girly.
Im like "AHEEHEEHEE CUTE BOI!!111oneoneoen"
:p
The price I pay for having a vagina.

Omg. So today I was reading HP comics [yeah, i was bored, okay?]
And there was this one...
"WHat was that whole conversation for anyway...?"
"Breaking the ice.."
"WHat the hell for?!"
"Suprise buttsecks."
"o.O"
I was giggling hysterically. :p

o.O
I just learned something super scary..
Okay.
So I was talking to Eric, and I was like "Oh, I love Chinese food, heehee."
And hes like "Yeah, I know, my dad told me.."
So that means XiaoMing randomly went home and was like "Hey, guess what? Brians daughter likes Chinese food!"
Honestly..
How messed up is that.
So CREEPY.
Ugh.
Crazy asians. -shudders-
:D
Its cute that people randomly talk about me though.
Makes me feel loved and popularrrrr.
XD

Oh.
Okay.
So my new adjective for myself is "Obtuse."
And my Grandma too..
We were talking about it, lol.
So tomorrow when I go into math...
Alyssa : "Hi Mr. Long!"
Mr. Long : "Hey.."
Alyssa : "How are you today?"
Mr. Long : "Good, and you?"
Alyssa : "Obtuse..."
Mr. Long : "o.O"

An obtuse Greenie, signing off. :]

POOFINH [pt. 2]

Well, alrighty.
I just love it when youve been going on a truth for several weeks, then all of the sudden its like "BAM. Sorry, you lose."
I mean, I suppose Im happy I kinda know whats going on..
Lol.
Keeps me from losing my mind..
And I was right.
Hurrah, for sticking up for people when you know how they really are.

Too random not to make sense... :]

Ah well.. So apparently, Im not allowed.
Which is ridiculously unfair...
Oh well.
Theres nothing to do about it. ;-;
Even though everyone here is a man-ho.
Shucks.

Anyway.
So today...
I dont know.. I cant even remember what happened today.
I was in total zombie mode..
Apparently I got a 105 on my Latin test...
I dont think I failed Math...
And I dont know where the brake is in a car. How sad. :/

I got my school pictures. :p
They were in the Greek, and I pretty much walked by Amanda and Ellen and Kristen, totally ignoring them.
I felt so bad...
I wanted to cry.
And then in History.. I dont know.. Alex was being.. Alex-ish.
Whateverrrrrr.

Im confused..
My life is super odd.
I wish it was easy.
Damn.

POOFINH

Fidelity
Regina Spektor

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds

I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind all of these words
I hear in my mind all of this music
And it breaks my heart

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
when it breaks my heart

Suppose I never, ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never, ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never, ever saw you
Suppose you never, ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall

Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course it's gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better better better better


~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pretty song...
Ill add more, as soon as I address a letter and write Aaron a note. :/