disengage.

Listening To : Ievan's Polkka - Loituma [trying to memorize it.]
Drinking : Diet Coke.
Activity[s] : Trying desperately to figure out life, singing the same song over and over, nothing.

I am so confused. Utterly and completely confused. And I don't know how to get out of it, of this, of anything.
I've gotten myself into a hole, as previously mentioned, and I have no idea how to get back up to the surface. The surface of what, I dont know.

Preston.
I want nothing more than to just be able to disengage, break away, be my own person again, live my own life. But no. Thats too much to ask of the world for little Alyssa.
Instead, Im trapped, connected to him for some sick, sadistic reason, because I just can't break myself off, push him away. He's so entangled in my life and my soul that its impossible, no matter how I hard I try.
And even If I DID want him back in my life, back as my boyfriend, I couldn't, because the pressure from my friends is smothering me, and they'd surely kill me if I went back.
And its not like I dont understand where theyre coming from, because I do, and I wish I could agree, and just leave.
But they don't take into account that my emotions dictate otherwise.

Maybe its because Ive had too long to get close to him.
But it was the same way with Cliff -- two years is longer than 10 months, by far.
But with Cliff, I had Preston to distract me, to help me get over it.
But not this time. This time, Im untouchable. No one (halfway decent / that i would want to go out with) is going to touch me with a ten foot pole, because I have such a horrible rock placed over me with the whole preston thing. No one is going to even think of liking me, for that reason alone, and you can forget dating me.
Which is a terrifying thought, to be honest.

I hate being single, I really do.
And Im fully aware that the only way I'll be able to move on is if I have someone to help me out, guide me along.
And I tried, really hard, to let Wishiah be that person, but I think it needs to be someone I consciously choose to go out with in order to wean myself off of Preston's stupid drug that Im so hooked on.
Someone I really, really like. Not that I didn't like her, I just.. I don't know.
But I haven't felt all cute and girl-crushy towards anyone since last year, about this time, with Preston.
And Im beginning to think I'll never feel that way again, just because...
Well, I don't know why I feel like that.
But its terrifying, nonetheless.

God, everything about this is terrifying, isn't it?

Sometimes I wish none of this had ever happened, that I had just let things be the way they were before.
I wish I had never made him go out with me, and just let my stupid crush on a guy who would never feel the same way go.
I wish I had seen the light back in June, and moved on while I still had the chance, after he broke my heart.
I wish I hadn't given in, I'd seen the truth, I'd listened to my friends.
I wish I had been able to be final in my breakup this time around, and moved on like I said I would.
I wish I could forget.

But I can't.
And I can't do it all by myself, because I don't have the strength.
But there's no one to help me.
And so I'm trapped.

if this ain't love, then how do we get out?

I know, I know, here we go with song lyrics again. It seems like that's all i ever post that has any decent length, right?
But. I rather like this song.
I was listening to KJEE (92.9! best radio station ever!), and heard it, and called to ask what it was.
And Phat J (aka the DJ) was like "THIS IS ONE OF MY FAAAVOURITE SONGS BY RISE AGAINSTTTTT." (in a very loud yet still-there gay lisp) And he proceeded to then recommend other songs by RA that he likes. Very cool. xD

Anyhow. I haven't blogged lately. And this isn't a post to be like "HAHA, I HAVEN'T BLOGGED. KBYE."
Ive just been stressed out, I guess.
Im confused about everything, I don't know who I love and who I hate, I don't know what I want, what I need, what I should even be doing.
All I know is that I've gotten myself into a pit, and the light at the top is fading fast.

But I'll be alright. I always am.
The thing is, it's really scary, while Im trying to figure everything out. Everything seems to change daily..
And don't ask me what Im thinking, because its never, ever the same. Changes on an hourly basis.
I think I think too much.

Anyhow. Without further ado.
Saviour :

Savior
Rise Against

It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten
what the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them
as the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping
through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten

there is no reconciliation that will put me in my place
and there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds
but seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you
like walls that we just can't break through until we disappear
so tell me now

if this ain't love then how do we get out?
because I don't know
that's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl
but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have

but the day pressed on like crushing weights
for no man does it ever wait
like memories of dying days
that deafen us like hurricanes
bathed in flames we held the brand
uncurled the fingers in your hand
pressed into the flesh like sand
now do you understand?
so tell me now

if this ain't love then how do we get out?
because I don't know
that' s when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl
but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have

one thousand miles away
there's nothing left to say
but so much left that I don't know
we never had a choice
this world is too much noise
it takes me under
it takes me under once again

I don't hate you
I don't hate you
so tell me now
if this ain't love then how do we get out?
because I don't know

that's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl
but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have
I don't hate you
I don't hate you, no