Listening To : Clocks -- Coldplay! :D
Eating : Yummy chocolates.
Activity[s] : Hanging out, lighting incense, and loving my life. ♥
I had a really good day, today.
I got to see two people I really like, and hang out with Alex!
That was cool. xD
But yes.
So I hung out with Eric the Asian. ;D
Which was amazing, if I may say..
I won't go into too many details, but it was fantabulous.
I miss that kid so much, all the time.
Ughhh.
And then. Alex and Wishiah came over after driving school, which was also AMAZING.
Because I got to see Wishiah. Which made me very happy. :D
And then the four of us went downtown.
Where Wishiah and I ditched the boys in Victoria's Secret, so we could run off and be alone together.
ps. I just added Wishiah into firefox's spellcheck dictionary. ;D
Anyway.
I had a good day.
Just thought I would share that magical information with you. (:
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
HOLY BEES NEST. relationship central, babay. lifechange!
Listening To : I dunno. Whatever comes on shuffle. :D
Activity[s] : Drawing! Being Alyssa. Haha.
Two things.
1. Im single.
2. Im in love.
Okay not in love in love, Just figuratively. If thats possible... But yes. Its going to be a looong time before I decide Im in love again, trust me.
So. Nik came down to visit [about goddamn time, its been what? three years?], and I pretty much died of happiness.
Happiness coupled, of course, with horrible life-ruining doubt about everything i ever thought, ever.
But I love him for it, right now.
Because there was nothing more I needed than just a massive, 9.0 earthquake to shake me off of the foundations Ive built myself out of nothing but misguided logic and false emotion.
And good lord, that kid is adorable.
And, when I told him that, he asked me to tell him why, specifically. I, of course, didnt. "You just are!"
So. In order to appease the masters of the universe...
Reasons why Nik is freaking adorable :
1. Hes really, really cute.
2. He pokes at me and hits me and harasses me like a 2nd grade boy thats decided he likes someone.
3. Hes honest with me! He tells me cute things, like that he never thought of me as a plaything [SCORE!], and that he's "always had a crush on me".
4. Even though he's like, 19 [in 3 days!], he does all these really cute, innocent, shy little things. Like reach for my hand, barely touch it, pull back, and then wait for me to figure it out and hold it.
5. "I always feel stupid when I miss you."
"Why would you feel stupid?"
"Because its like.. Wanting something I just can't have."
"What makes you think you couldn't have me?"
'Nough said.
6. When presented with my hands, and me saying "Make my hands warm.", he does exactly the right thing -- open his jacket for me to hug him.
7. He doesn't yell at me for writing notes instead of saying things aloud.
8. Hes content with just holding me.
9. Together, we're horrifically awkward and unsure, and I really, really like it. I miss having someone who isn't like "BAM. HELLO THERE, MAKE OUT WITH ME. WANNA FUCK?"
10. Ive liked him for 6 years. Im biased.
SEE!? It is so much easier for me to write things like that out.
If he'd handed me a sheet of paper and a pen, I could have done it, I just KNOW it.
But even if I wanted to [which I obviously do, what the hell did you expect?!], I won't be able to see him for at least a year. He's off saving the world or some such [aka. joining the coast guard. goodie.]
Im such a dumb blonde.
As SOON as he left last night [for like, 10 minutes. and i was supposed to leave, but didn't, cause my grandma needed a picture, so he had to come back and do that.. but in between that!], I sat down and started crying.
In front of his dad, and his grandma, and my grandma [and obviously my mother]. And lamenting, aloud, LOUD ENOUGH FOR THEM TO HEAR, about how tragic this all was.
And on, and on, and on I went.
I dont even want to know what his dad was thinking, as Im sitting there sobbing about how much I like his kid.
Selfish as it may be, all I can do is HOPE he said something to Nik about it on their drive home today. Seriously.
"Oh, hey. That girl? She really likes you, dude. She sat down and cried."
And you know?
Despite anything Nik could say, Im still worried he'd think I was completely and utterly ridiculous for crying about it.
So.
Then I got to thinking.
He'd hug me, and Id feel perfect. We were sitting there, his arms wrapped around me, and all I could think about was how happy I was in that. exact. second. Which isn't something Ive done in a while -- Im always worrying about things that happened three minutes ago or that will happen tomorrow, I never focus on the present.
But nothing was wrong. I was perfectly content to just sit there, stare off into space, and exist.
And the one time he kissed me?
My heart skipped a beat, my emotions did a summersault, and I was about to cry I was so happy. I had to bury my face into him to keep tears from forming.
BUT.
When Preston hugs me? I just sort of want to push him away... I don't feel safe and protected, I feel overly-depended-upon. And thats a really, really scary feeling.
One that I just cannot deal with.
I mean. To have someone put you in a position where you're their entire life? Thats the most nerve-wracking, trapping thing ever.
I stopped feeling anything when he kissed me or held me or touched me a looong time ago. The only reason I stuck around was because a) I was sure I loved him, and b) He needed me.
That, and he was just a constant. Something comfortable and normal in my life... And something I was proud of, I guess. I mean. We nearly hit 10 months. And he was the first guy I ever actually got that I wanted and pursued and all that. AND. I put up a huuuuge fight for him last year and over the summer.
But you know.
Now that I think about it.
Sometimes I just sort of feel like everything I did, everything I gave up, all of the drama and tears and heartbreak and betrayal I submitted myself to... It just means nothing to him.
Like, he knows it happened, sure. But I think instead of realizing just what it did to me, he just feels proud of himself, because his first relationship was so full of drama. Drama all centered around HIM.
And that, that alone, is enough to turn me off to the whole idea.
I pretty much ruined my life for him.
And... Thats just a really sucky relationship.
So, I broke up with him.
End of story. (:
And don't ask me if we'll get back together, because honestly, I couldn't tell you.
And like I said, the more I think about it...?
I don't really want to. I mean. Im realizing, as my mind is clearing of my blindness from love, that it really, really sucked.
Activity[s] : Drawing! Being Alyssa. Haha.
Two things.
1. Im single.
2. Im in love.
Okay not in love in love, Just figuratively. If thats possible... But yes. Its going to be a looong time before I decide Im in love again, trust me.
So. Nik came down to visit [about goddamn time, its been what? three years?], and I pretty much died of happiness.
Happiness coupled, of course, with horrible life-ruining doubt about everything i ever thought, ever.
But I love him for it, right now.
Because there was nothing more I needed than just a massive, 9.0 earthquake to shake me off of the foundations Ive built myself out of nothing but misguided logic and false emotion.
And good lord, that kid is adorable.
And, when I told him that, he asked me to tell him why, specifically. I, of course, didnt. "You just are!"
So. In order to appease the masters of the universe...
Reasons why Nik is freaking adorable :
1. Hes really, really cute.
2. He pokes at me and hits me and harasses me like a 2nd grade boy thats decided he likes someone.
3. Hes honest with me! He tells me cute things, like that he never thought of me as a plaything [SCORE!], and that he's "always had a crush on me".
4. Even though he's like, 19 [in 3 days!], he does all these really cute, innocent, shy little things. Like reach for my hand, barely touch it, pull back, and then wait for me to figure it out and hold it.
5. "I always feel stupid when I miss you."
"Why would you feel stupid?"
"Because its like.. Wanting something I just can't have."
"What makes you think you couldn't have me?"
'Nough said.
6. When presented with my hands, and me saying "Make my hands warm.", he does exactly the right thing -- open his jacket for me to hug him.
7. He doesn't yell at me for writing notes instead of saying things aloud.
8. Hes content with just holding me.
9. Together, we're horrifically awkward and unsure, and I really, really like it. I miss having someone who isn't like "BAM. HELLO THERE, MAKE OUT WITH ME. WANNA FUCK?"
10. Ive liked him for 6 years. Im biased.
SEE!? It is so much easier for me to write things like that out.
If he'd handed me a sheet of paper and a pen, I could have done it, I just KNOW it.
But even if I wanted to [which I obviously do, what the hell did you expect?!], I won't be able to see him for at least a year. He's off saving the world or some such [aka. joining the coast guard. goodie.]
Im such a dumb blonde.
As SOON as he left last night [for like, 10 minutes. and i was supposed to leave, but didn't, cause my grandma needed a picture, so he had to come back and do that.. but in between that!], I sat down and started crying.
In front of his dad, and his grandma, and my grandma [and obviously my mother]. And lamenting, aloud, LOUD ENOUGH FOR THEM TO HEAR, about how tragic this all was.
And on, and on, and on I went.
I dont even want to know what his dad was thinking, as Im sitting there sobbing about how much I like his kid.
Selfish as it may be, all I can do is HOPE he said something to Nik about it on their drive home today. Seriously.
"Oh, hey. That girl? She really likes you, dude. She sat down and cried."
And you know?
Despite anything Nik could say, Im still worried he'd think I was completely and utterly ridiculous for crying about it.
So.
Then I got to thinking.
He'd hug me, and Id feel perfect. We were sitting there, his arms wrapped around me, and all I could think about was how happy I was in that. exact. second. Which isn't something Ive done in a while -- Im always worrying about things that happened three minutes ago or that will happen tomorrow, I never focus on the present.
But nothing was wrong. I was perfectly content to just sit there, stare off into space, and exist.
And the one time he kissed me?
My heart skipped a beat, my emotions did a summersault, and I was about to cry I was so happy. I had to bury my face into him to keep tears from forming.
BUT.
When Preston hugs me? I just sort of want to push him away... I don't feel safe and protected, I feel overly-depended-upon. And thats a really, really scary feeling.
One that I just cannot deal with.
I mean. To have someone put you in a position where you're their entire life? Thats the most nerve-wracking, trapping thing ever.
I stopped feeling anything when he kissed me or held me or touched me a looong time ago. The only reason I stuck around was because a) I was sure I loved him, and b) He needed me.
That, and he was just a constant. Something comfortable and normal in my life... And something I was proud of, I guess. I mean. We nearly hit 10 months. And he was the first guy I ever actually got that I wanted and pursued and all that. AND. I put up a huuuuge fight for him last year and over the summer.
But you know.
Now that I think about it.
Sometimes I just sort of feel like everything I did, everything I gave up, all of the drama and tears and heartbreak and betrayal I submitted myself to... It just means nothing to him.
Like, he knows it happened, sure. But I think instead of realizing just what it did to me, he just feels proud of himself, because his first relationship was so full of drama. Drama all centered around HIM.
And that, that alone, is enough to turn me off to the whole idea.
I pretty much ruined my life for him.
And... Thats just a really sucky relationship.
So, I broke up with him.
End of story. (:
And don't ask me if we'll get back together, because honestly, I couldn't tell you.
And like I said, the more I think about it...?
I don't really want to. I mean. Im realizing, as my mind is clearing of my blindness from love, that it really, really sucked.
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