i wanna start all over.

Under Your Spell
Cosmic Gate [ft. Aruna]

Counting out the hours
Like the beat of a song
I feel like a stranger
Wondering where I belong
I wanna start all over
But I know that I can’t
I’m helpless without you
I don’t know who I am

I’m under your spell
Bound and blind and only you can save me
I’m tangled up inside
Caught in your web
I’m hypnotized and only you can wake me
Only you can bring this heart to life

Colors feel so faded
And I can’t hear a sound
I’m walking in circles
Watching my world burn down
There’s nothing else to fight for
Cuz you’re all that I know
I’m stuck in your shadow
Letting you take control

I’m under your spell
Bound and blind and only you can save me
I’m tangled up inside
Caught in your web
I’m hypnotized and only you can wake me
Only you can bring this heart to life

So pull me in and don’t let go
I wanna fall forever
I wanna overflow
If there’s some way out, don’t let me know
I don’t wanna come to
It’s too big to undo
I need to be near you
I can’t keep away…
Under your spell
I’m under your spell

I’m under your spell
Bound and blind and only you can save me
I’m tangled up inside
Caught in your web
I’m hypnotized and only you can wake me
Only you can bring this heart to life

~*~

My world is in a tiny blue bottle, with a tiny cork stopper,
strung on a tiny chain hung from a tiny nail on an endless expanse of black.
The light, refracted through that imperfect blue, swirls its colour into this milky existence,
and all I can do is watch as that colour spirals and blossoms, invading my diluted imaginings of perfection.
I want to run through that beauty, to that shimmering glass wall, and burst through it in a cloud of glittering cobalt slivers of what has suddenly become my tiny prison.
But doubt pours in as I take that first step; the level rises and rises, until I'm fighting to stay above the surface, lips gasping for breath... Fighting for freedom, fighting for the light, fighting for everything.
Everything is nothing, and nothing is everything; any fragment of certainty vanishes, my body goes limp, and the light seems to fade. The black returns.
Doubt dissipates, and that tiny blue vial seems like home; the glass keeps away the darkness, and in turn, blocks out the light.
Reasons form, and then fade, pierced by that light, as it tries to illuminate my silhouette.
A glimmer of hope, as the light glows against an outstreched hand.
But I am reaching for something I cannot grasp, and the currents of doubt tug at my soul.
I am reaching for something I cannot grasp, and so my reasons will have to do.

sad face.

I hate anything that is unreciprocated.
Because then, I just feel like a complete and utter fool.

I was talking earlier about how much I missed Preston, etc etc.
Well. I was all excited, because earlier today, he had said I would see him tonight.
And then this evening, he was like "Oh, I'll see you after I do homework."
And I was like YAY! Because I miss him, you know.

Well anyway.
I get a series of texts :
"Hey."
"Are you free?"
"Im not going to see you tonight, sorry."

And I almost burst into tears right then, because he'd been making me look forward to this [like he does] since 3 this afternoon. And so I convinced him to come see me.
Well. As he waited for his dad to fall asleep, i guess he [either accidentaly or intentionally -- which, due to the fact he never ever keeps his word and I can hardly trust him, is what I'm thinking...] fell asleep. Blowing me off. Again.

And so now I just feel like a complete idiot, because I really really miss him.
And he clearly doesn't miss me nearly as much.
And so I make a huge deal out of something Im really excited about, that he couldn't care less about...
Do you see why I feel so stupid?
I just spent 10 minutes trying to bawl silently, for fear of waking my brother up.
But geez.
It kills me to think I can miss someone so much, and have them not miss me at all.

And its not like this is the first time this has happened.
I don't even know, sometimes.
I have a seriously hard time trusting anything he says he'll do.
And that kills me.
And is making me cry again, just thinking about it.

Alas.

I can't sleep, but I'm off to lay in bed and stare at the cieling, blinking back tears and imagining a world where people would finally miss me just as I miss them.

im burnin' for you.

Listening To : Burning For You -- Blue Oyster Cult [imagine that!]
Activity[s] : Not doing homework, snuggling into Preston's sweatshirt because it smells like him.

Dude.
I love it.
Guys always make their clothes smell like them.
And its amazing.
I get to sit here, wrapped in yummy-smelling boy, when I haven't seen the actual yummy-smelling boy in two days!
TWO WHOLE DAYS.
This is crazy.
I mean, generally I see him every day of my life.. Cause.. We just like being together, I don't know. xD
My mother is shocked and amazed. :p

Also.
This is my second post in two days.
Which is bloody amazing, if you ask me. :D

1. I got a job!
My psychiatrist [of all people] found this job for me, looking after this 11 year old girl for a couple hours after school a few days of week, so her grandma, who is raising her, can have some time to herself.
The girl is apparently really self-sufficient, and just doesn't like to be home alone for that long.
So I'll make 10 bucks an hour, for about 2 hours 3 times a week, just hanging out with this little girl...
Who sounds amazing, by the way. As I was hanging up from talking to the grandma, she goes "Don't forget to tell her I'm weird!"
Most amazing little girl ever? Yes.
So on thursday Im going to go over there to meet them and such, and I'm really looking forward to it.

2. I saw my daddy today!
That was awesome, haha. I miss him so much.
I have so much fun just talking to him, its fantabulous.
We shared music/youtube videos. My two main videos were We Didn't Start The Flame War and David Blaine's Street Magic.
If you don't know what Im talking about, you should watch both, because they are BRILLIANT. :D
But we have many awesome moments.
"Yeah, when Im in a meeting, and I need to tell one of my collegues something, I'll text it to them. You know, if its not appropriate for the rest of the team."
"What do you say?! 'Hey dude. My buttitches.'"
That was a nice moment. :D

Im off to listen to strange musics, now, so toodles. :D

hey hey.

Activity[s] : Should be cleaning my room, thats for sure. :D

For lack of a better title, hey! Whats up! How goes it.

Ive been dead for what seems like forever, haven't said anything worthwhile in ages, and yeah.
I feel remotely bad about it, ya know?
Ive been so unbelievably busy with school and everything, that everything else has just fallen away. Poof! Gone.
But I'm trying to fix that.
I've actually been talking to people on msn, instead of just signing in! How crazy is THAT?!
I was pretty impressed.

So anyway.
My room is a horiffic mess, hahaha. And so today Im half-working on cleaning it up, at least enough so I can comfortably sit at my desk to do my mountains upon mountains of homework. Pretty exciting, if you ask me. :D
Only not really.

There isn't much that's new in my life. Im taking a weaving class at school, which is pretty rad.
Appeals to my crafty-ness.
Check it out:


If I could find the other one [its plaid! that was a lot of work] I'd show you that too.
But unfortunately, in my cleaning, Ive managed to misplace it.
But when I DO find it, I'll be sure to show you.

So.
Im doing well in school, blah blah blah. All that good stuff. :p
I have only had one late assignment! Which is a huge deal for me, because.. It just is.
Ive been trying really, really hard this year.
And I intend to get a 4.0.

OH HAY GUESS WHAT.
On December 15, I get to see Nik.
Yeah, thats right. The kid I haven't seen in 3 years?
Dude the last time I saw him, I got my first kiss. After everything, that seems like eons ago.
And Im really freaking excited, you know that? Like, omg. I could DIE Im so excited.
I've been waiting for this for SO LONG. Because I've wanted to make this crazy impression on him... Just look beautiful, be bright and cheery and flirty, and I guess just make him wish he'd talked to me more.
And I'll be damned if I don't intend to work my girlish charm to its upper limit. WITHOUT looking like a total whore, considering Im not really a single girl, hahaha.
But you'll see.
It will be pretty bad ass.

On Friday I saw 2012 with Emma.
It was amazing, if I may just say that.
Like, really. I expected it to be just a "OMG THINGS EXPLODING INTO DOOM." movie [which it was!], but it also turned out to have this amazing storyline, focusing on a little group of people, and Emma and I were constantly like "OH MY GOD WHAT IF SHE LOVES HIM." And it was just really.. good.
I was on the edge of my seat the entire time, fingers crossed, because pretty much the entire movie, they were mere INCHES from death and destruction.
But you know, I thought it was very realistic how so many people just.. died. No fanfare, no big thing.. People just died. That's all there was to it.
There was this interesting plot element, where the main character had written this hopelessly unpopular book about Atlantis. And as the movie progresses, and one of the main characters talks about the book, it ends up paralleling what is happening in real life [for them]... It was utterly fascinating. The guy reading it eventually launched into this speech about how that book would survive, how it would be safe, merely because he was reading it.
Last thing.
Despite it being horribly depressing [good lord, (almost) everyone DIES], it was also both funny and inspiring. Really. There were these random moments of humor ["Car? On."], and moments that really made you think about how life works [in the form of people that saw beyond themselves, and their own safety, in order to either save or just comfort others...].
AND A BLACK GUY PLAYED THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT. :D

Now. I go back to cleaning. ;D