oh by the way...

POEM[S]!

masochist.

you know that biting
the tender skin below my
ear will always set

my hands to shaking,
and that bruises will be worth
more in the morning

than quiet whispers.
you know that the sharp snap of
your hips into mine

is never enough,
that sex feels good but the ache
feels better. what you

don't know is that i'm
afraid that one winter day
you'll shatter my heart

and when i ask why
you'll just say, "well, i know you
like it when it hurts."
at deviantART

. - by estallidos at deviantART

hipbone connected to the...

dear-

i'm writing you a letter
on the back of my hand
shake and shiver because sometimes
the winter is colder than i hope
you think about me every now and again

i'm falling through the pages of a book i've never read
between the lines of the shapes the streets make
me believe that you aren't as confused as i am
forgetting about poison in my veins and my heart
beats a broken rhythm
drum into submission and i watch as it dies
the black ink bleeding through my body
of water is never as deep as it seems
you've forgotten me and the way i love you
feel so cheap on my skin

i hope you remember and tell me
please
love me.

- by ohsostarryeyed at deviantART

nonexistent people.

"something's wrong."

"what makes you say that?"

"your shirt is white."

"so?"

"so, it's just white. there's nothing on it- no dirt, no ink, no blood."

"i guess you're right."

"so, what's wrong?"

"i don't remember how to speak."

"you're talking right now."

"that's irrelevant."

"yeah?"

"yeah. i'm running my mouth but i'm saying nothing. i'm thinking all these things, and i can't say them. i'm sitting straight but everything is angled and i think i'm falling when i'm only standing still."

"i think you said that very well."

"then maybe i forgot how to see."

"have you?"

"maybe. i'm missing something. like something that's on the tip of my nose and i won't cross my eyes to see it. "

"cross your eyes."

"no."

"why not?"

"i don't want my eyes to get stuck."

"look at me."

"hi."

"what do you see?"

"your eyes are sad. you have a crooked mouth. your hands never touch flatly on your thighs. you look wrong, but beautiful. oh- sorry. i shouldn't say that."

"i don't think you're blind."

"i don't know. maybe i have forgotten how to hear."

"hear, or listen?"

"i can listen. i know what you say isn't what you mean, i can taste the fear on the back of my tongue when you look in only one of my eyes and say, 'no, i'm not afraid.' i can listen to the way your hands shake and your eyes dart to the left when you're nervous. but i can't fucking hear for the life of me."

"what does my heart sound like?"

"it sounds like it's crying, but sometimes like a nuclear explosion."

"i think you can hear just fine. and your sense of taste is alright, as well."

"and smell and taste are connected, right? fuck- i don't know what's wrong with me. maybe i can't feel. maybe i can't live."

"why can't you just be alright?"

"because i can't be wrong. i want to know what i'm missing, i want to know why i can't breathe."

"what are you doing?"

"controlled hyperventilation. i'm breathing, and it's beautiful. it's as beautiful as you. i can breathe and taste and see and smell and hear and feel and listen and i can't stop shaking or crying and i'm falling to pieces, but it's so fucking beautiful because it means i'm not dead."

- by ohsostarryeyed at deviantART

dark sarcasm?

Listening To : Pjanoo -- Eric Prydz ; Proper Education -- Eric Prydz vs. Floyd

My friends are fucking morons, I'd like to say that now.
Im kind of pissed off about it, too. Like. Shit.

As if my life isn't fucked over enough.
We have 140 bucks til' the end of the month. Im already gonna have to choose between internet and the cell phone, and to be honest, I haven't decided yet.
There's not ONE goddamn thing in this house I actually want to EAT; I've been barely surviving by eating at my boyfriend's like.. Every night. o.o
AND. School starts in two days, and I still don't have a fucking BINDER, let alone paper to put in it, or pens to write on it with. And of course, I haven't a thing to wear.

But yes.
As if all of that wasn't bad enough, I have the people I count on most to cheer me up and make me forget about all the lovely shit in my life are going and adding to it.
Okay well not all of them. Most of them are pimpin', as usual.

Friend #1:
Throwing a bitch fit because of a delicious rift in our group of friends, centered around mainly one person.
One person that I am totally associated with, considering hes my fucking boyfriend.
And because she is all like "OMG NO AVOID LIKE PLAGUE.", it makes me have to choose between her or him.
And, to top it all off, her idiocy is making OTHER people have to choose too, because she flips out at them if they hang out with the boy.
Im trying to use absolutely no names at all, because.. that'd be pointing fingers?
Lol idiot. You know me, and you know who the hell it is.
Man.
I wanna be her friend, but not if she's going to make everyone's life hell with her "ITS HIM OR ME, HO." routine.
Even though she claims she isn't doing it, and is like "Ah nah, its coo'.", she totally is.
Obviously.
"Oh hes going? Oh Im not going to go. I'll hang out with them some other time."
And it kind of fucking sucks. A lot.
Because I really hate to be in positions where I have to choose.
And considering Im gonna choose the guy anyway... Its just sort of idiotic. I mean. Ugh. :/

Friend #2:
- Has a new pothead boyfriend!
- Said boyfriend is a fucking manwhore.
- Said friend is an adorable little picture of innocence [as she damn well should be at 15].
- Drank half a bottle of vodka tonight! Yaaaay.
- "Im gonna play peer pong. Toodles!" - 5 minutes later - "Fuck I hate my ideas. Im hiding from beer pong."
- "Im going to to whatever I want anyway!"
I was all like, jealous of her yesterday, but it kind of hit my that Im motherfucking happy my boyfriend is as sweet as he is.
Sure I might fail miserably at life, but he's not about to compare me to 9249874 other dumb sluts. And Im freaking happy about that, god damn it.
And there's gonna be [and is] more to my relationship than "Okay shit I have to give really good head otherwise he's going to think Im lame and dump me. Oh, I hope I dont get an STD. Wait, isn't it STI now?"
[Mines more along the lines of "HAHA lets go to ihop at 8 on a saturday morning, and talk about cars the whole way there AND back! Omg your cannonball sucks get out of the pool and do it RIGHT, BOY. You have sand in your hoohah! Your parents were merpeople! MERBOY!" And I fucking love it/him. ♥]
So suck on that! [?]

I dunno.
I mean.
I give more of a damn about the second one, because I love her dearly and am seriously concerned...
But ugh. I dont know, man.

/rant

i'll best be on my way out.

Listening To : Ignorance -- Paramore

I just stayed up all night.
For no reason, really.
Anyway.

I just got harassed by a lesbian?
Yeaaah.

"How's your ex?"
"Dude, I told you, hes my goddamn boyfriend, not my ex."
"Ask him if he wants to watch me eat you out."
"... No?"
"But he can't touch me."
"Not into the whole sharing thing."
"What if we just kiss?"
"NO! Last time I kissed a girl horrible things ensued!"
"Oh. Yeah. You silly little slut you."

"Im sure you fool all the boys like that. Theyre fucking stupid."
"Uhm. What?"
"Honey drips from your cunt."
"Ew, no its doesn't. Thatd be nasty."
"Its a metaphor."
"Keep your metaphors away from my cunt!"
"Dont call it that. Its too seductive."
"... Right."
"Im trying to fight with you, I dont need that."

"I want to be your boyfriend. But only if he has a small dick."
"Uhh...."
"Sorry. I like you."
"And so you want to be Preston?"
"No."
"Didn't think so.."
"Why would I want to be him? Have you seen me? Im gorgeous!"
"... You really dont want to ask me to compare your guys' looks..."
"I would get less pussy than him."
"... And thats a good thing how?"
"And thats all I care about. Getting pussy."
"Clearly."

It was pretty special?
My perfectly good evening was ruined by her stupidity. And her totally objectifying me. WHICH I DONT LIKE.
Ugh.

ps. I suck at making origami stars.

Theyre pretty much all deformed in some way. The ones that dont look deformed merely have their good sides up.
But it was really fun! :D

Okay so Im starting to get slightly tired.
WHAT TO DO. D:

Theres this youtube series thing, called The Guild [you should watch it!]. I watched the entire first two season thingys.
Its cause they have this song.
Do You Wanna Date My Avatar?
Best. Song. Ever. Like really.
If youve ever played a MMORPG, its the BOMB[dot com!].
I have to listen to it now.
"Do you wanna date my avatar? Shes a star, and hotter than reality by far!"
But yeah. The show.
Its totally rad. :D

Uhhh...
Im tired. But Im not going to sleep.
Im going to like.
Do something. Who knows.