jumbles.

Listening To : The Adventure -- Angels and Airwaves

So here's the deal.
After reading back through some of my blog posts, I realize they've all been useless, meaningless jumbles of nothingness.
So I figure I'll actually talk about some of that stuff that's halfway important to me, you know? Yeah.

Way back in.. whatever... I left my mum's house.
I got sick of her, etc. And just left. Poof! In the middle of the night. Byeee.
Created a shitload of drama that everyone got over, and now I am at my daddy's house.

BUT THE ISSUE IS.
My dad is moving to San Jose in July.
That's 5 hours away, for all you non-Californian folks.
Not that convenient, when I go to school in Santa Barbara, eh?
So I need somewhere to live -- that ISN'T my mother's. No one wants me back there.
Except my mother.

If you've known me, you know how completely fucked my life at my mum's is.
The power will get shut off, and the only thing I'll be able to find to eat is a SINGLE potato.
The first thing I've eaten in 2 days, at that.
The internet is a very maybe thing, and I'm never really sure if we're going to have it the next month or not..
I never, ever get to go shopping, and there would be no way she'd be able to give the the $50 a week I spend on food, if I eat the way I'm supposed to.
Plus, shes a psycho bitch to me, because our personalities conflict so much. Famously so, at that.
Sitting on the bathroom floor, in the dark, at 4 am with my laptop, because she threatened to steal it? Oh yeah.

But see, the thing is.
She expects me to go back there when my dad moves.
The stay here was originally a temporary thing -- "lets just take a break from eachother" sort of thing.
But being away from her, I see how fucking MISERABLE it is there.
And now I don't want to ever deal with that again. Ever.
But she doesn't know that -- I cant exactly tell her. Shed take it as "I feel you are unfit to be my mother."
She takes everything personally.

And even if I DON'T go back there, I don't necessarily have anywhere else to GO.
I'm sure my Grandma Pat would let me live there, but I don't know if she'd be too keen on it.
We don't always agree, and its kind of a lot of responsibility.. :/
I could live with my Grandma Judy, but she lives all the way in Carp -- very inconvenient. Living downtown is SO much better..
I could live with one of my friends, but how the hell do I ask...?
My dad jokingly suggested.. Well wait. Let me explain that, first.

So there's another, recent factor in all of this.
Cliff. Is moving to Santa Barbara in June.
Yeah.
Motherfuckin' crazy, seriously.
But yes. He's moving here. And, oddly enough, would be staying with my mother herself.
Theyre friends, or some such. [dont ask me, please. xD its complicated ; and NOT LIKE THAT]
And Mr. Johnson has been really, REALLY decent to me, lately. Like, really.
Its the most dramatic, amazing change ever. Seriously.
So you know, his presence might be enough to change stuff..?
Hell if I know.

Anyway. My dad jokingly suggested [with a "i-cant-believe-im-a-father-saying-this" precursor] living with Cliff. [and then followed it up with "BUT NO SEX!" I nearly choked on my air laughing.]
And I was like "AhahahaNO. Hell no. There's NO way I would put THAT much responsibility on that poor boy. Hes only 19."
And my dad and Dr. Geis laughed. xD
AT LEAST IM REALISTIC.
Im sure it would be lovely, but if we fucked something up.. Id be homeless. Or miserable. Or both.
You know. Always thinking of the possibilities. ;D

If you should have any ideas about what the fuck I should do, I'd love to hear them?

I mean really.
NO ONE in my ENTIRE family wants me to go back to my mother's, except my mother herself.
Everyone knows its an awful situation.
I could, technically, go up north with my daddy, but that would mean COMPLETELY starting over in terms of school/friends/life/etc, AND a custody battle with my mother [over a 17 year old. idiotic? i think yes.]
The other solution is to find somewhere for me to live -- but where? I dont want to live in Carpinteria, I fucking HATE that town. Im sorry. And who wants to take on another kid, essentially? :/ My daddy would pay, of course, but still..
And how the FUCK do I tell my mother?!

Then, on top of that, I have typical Alyssa troubles. :p
Liking boys I cannot understand.
Hating being single, with a passion. Its been a YEAR. 12 months!
Im a Cancer, I crave love and affection. I cannot deal with life without it. Fuck me. [not fuck me, just.. damn me to hell.]
And it doesn't help that the one boy I like [well, that I see every day] is so fucking CONFUSING AND FRUSTRATING.
I have never been so positive in my life that its a hopeless endevour.
I think I was even hopeful about Alex Robitaille. That should show you how HOPELESS THIS IS.
/spazz

I guess that's more meaningful?