Saturday, January 09, 2010

disengage.

Listening To : Ievan's Polkka - Loituma [trying to memorize it.]
Drinking : Diet Coke.
Activity[s] : Trying desperately to figure out life, singing the same song over and over, nothing.

I am so confused. Utterly and completely confused. And I don't know how to get out of it, of this, of anything.
I've gotten myself into a hole, as previously mentioned, and I have no idea how to get back up to the surface. The surface of what, I dont know.

Preston.
I want nothing more than to just be able to disengage, break away, be my own person again, live my own life. But no. Thats too much to ask of the world for little Alyssa.
Instead, Im trapped, connected to him for some sick, sadistic reason, because I just can't break myself off, push him away. He's so entangled in my life and my soul that its impossible, no matter how I hard I try.
And even If I DID want him back in my life, back as my boyfriend, I couldn't, because the pressure from my friends is smothering me, and they'd surely kill me if I went back.
And its not like I dont understand where theyre coming from, because I do, and I wish I could agree, and just leave.
But they don't take into account that my emotions dictate otherwise.

Maybe its because Ive had too long to get close to him.
But it was the same way with Cliff -- two years is longer than 10 months, by far.
But with Cliff, I had Preston to distract me, to help me get over it.
But not this time. This time, Im untouchable. No one (halfway decent / that i would want to go out with) is going to touch me with a ten foot pole, because I have such a horrible rock placed over me with the whole preston thing. No one is going to even think of liking me, for that reason alone, and you can forget dating me.
Which is a terrifying thought, to be honest.

I hate being single, I really do.
And Im fully aware that the only way I'll be able to move on is if I have someone to help me out, guide me along.
And I tried, really hard, to let Wishiah be that person, but I think it needs to be someone I consciously choose to go out with in order to wean myself off of Preston's stupid drug that Im so hooked on.
Someone I really, really like. Not that I didn't like her, I just.. I don't know.
But I haven't felt all cute and girl-crushy towards anyone since last year, about this time, with Preston.
And Im beginning to think I'll never feel that way again, just because...
Well, I don't know why I feel like that.
But its terrifying, nonetheless.

God, everything about this is terrifying, isn't it?

Sometimes I wish none of this had ever happened, that I had just let things be the way they were before.
I wish I had never made him go out with me, and just let my stupid crush on a guy who would never feel the same way go.
I wish I had seen the light back in June, and moved on while I still had the chance, after he broke my heart.
I wish I hadn't given in, I'd seen the truth, I'd listened to my friends.
I wish I had been able to be final in my breakup this time around, and moved on like I said I would.
I wish I could forget.

But I can't.
And I can't do it all by myself, because I don't have the strength.
But there's no one to help me.
And so I'm trapped.



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