disengage.

Listening To : Ievan's Polkka - Loituma [trying to memorize it.]
Drinking : Diet Coke.
Activity[s] : Trying desperately to figure out life, singing the same song over and over, nothing.

I am so confused. Utterly and completely confused. And I don't know how to get out of it, of this, of anything.
I've gotten myself into a hole, as previously mentioned, and I have no idea how to get back up to the surface. The surface of what, I dont know.

Preston.
I want nothing more than to just be able to disengage, break away, be my own person again, live my own life. But no. Thats too much to ask of the world for little Alyssa.
Instead, Im trapped, connected to him for some sick, sadistic reason, because I just can't break myself off, push him away. He's so entangled in my life and my soul that its impossible, no matter how I hard I try.
And even If I DID want him back in my life, back as my boyfriend, I couldn't, because the pressure from my friends is smothering me, and they'd surely kill me if I went back.
And its not like I dont understand where theyre coming from, because I do, and I wish I could agree, and just leave.
But they don't take into account that my emotions dictate otherwise.

Maybe its because Ive had too long to get close to him.
But it was the same way with Cliff -- two years is longer than 10 months, by far.
But with Cliff, I had Preston to distract me, to help me get over it.
But not this time. This time, Im untouchable. No one (halfway decent / that i would want to go out with) is going to touch me with a ten foot pole, because I have such a horrible rock placed over me with the whole preston thing. No one is going to even think of liking me, for that reason alone, and you can forget dating me.
Which is a terrifying thought, to be honest.

I hate being single, I really do.
And Im fully aware that the only way I'll be able to move on is if I have someone to help me out, guide me along.
And I tried, really hard, to let Wishiah be that person, but I think it needs to be someone I consciously choose to go out with in order to wean myself off of Preston's stupid drug that Im so hooked on.
Someone I really, really like. Not that I didn't like her, I just.. I don't know.
But I haven't felt all cute and girl-crushy towards anyone since last year, about this time, with Preston.
And Im beginning to think I'll never feel that way again, just because...
Well, I don't know why I feel like that.
But its terrifying, nonetheless.

God, everything about this is terrifying, isn't it?

Sometimes I wish none of this had ever happened, that I had just let things be the way they were before.
I wish I had never made him go out with me, and just let my stupid crush on a guy who would never feel the same way go.
I wish I had seen the light back in June, and moved on while I still had the chance, after he broke my heart.
I wish I hadn't given in, I'd seen the truth, I'd listened to my friends.
I wish I had been able to be final in my breakup this time around, and moved on like I said I would.
I wish I could forget.

But I can't.
And I can't do it all by myself, because I don't have the strength.
But there's no one to help me.
And so I'm trapped.

if this ain't love, then how do we get out?

I know, I know, here we go with song lyrics again. It seems like that's all i ever post that has any decent length, right?
But. I rather like this song.
I was listening to KJEE (92.9! best radio station ever!), and heard it, and called to ask what it was.
And Phat J (aka the DJ) was like "THIS IS ONE OF MY FAAAVOURITE SONGS BY RISE AGAINSTTTTT." (in a very loud yet still-there gay lisp) And he proceeded to then recommend other songs by RA that he likes. Very cool. xD

Anyhow. I haven't blogged lately. And this isn't a post to be like "HAHA, I HAVEN'T BLOGGED. KBYE."
Ive just been stressed out, I guess.
Im confused about everything, I don't know who I love and who I hate, I don't know what I want, what I need, what I should even be doing.
All I know is that I've gotten myself into a pit, and the light at the top is fading fast.

But I'll be alright. I always am.
The thing is, it's really scary, while Im trying to figure everything out. Everything seems to change daily..
And don't ask me what Im thinking, because its never, ever the same. Changes on an hourly basis.
I think I think too much.

Anyhow. Without further ado.
Saviour :

Savior
Rise Against

It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten
what the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them
as the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping
through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten

there is no reconciliation that will put me in my place
and there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds
but seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you
like walls that we just can't break through until we disappear
so tell me now

if this ain't love then how do we get out?
because I don't know
that's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl
but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have

but the day pressed on like crushing weights
for no man does it ever wait
like memories of dying days
that deafen us like hurricanes
bathed in flames we held the brand
uncurled the fingers in your hand
pressed into the flesh like sand
now do you understand?
so tell me now

if this ain't love then how do we get out?
because I don't know
that' s when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl
but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have

one thousand miles away
there's nothing left to say
but so much left that I don't know
we never had a choice
this world is too much noise
it takes me under
it takes me under once again

I don't hate you
I don't hate you
so tell me now
if this ain't love then how do we get out?
because I don't know

that's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl
but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have
I don't hate you
I don't hate you, no

oooh. aaah.

Listening To : Clocks -- Coldplay! :D
Eating : Yummy chocolates.
Activity[s] : Hanging out, lighting incense, and loving my life. ♥

I had a really good day, today.
I got to see two people I really like, and hang out with Alex!
That was cool. xD

But yes.
So I hung out with Eric the Asian. ;D
Which was amazing, if I may say..
I won't go into too many details, but it was fantabulous.
I miss that kid so much, all the time.
Ughhh.

And then. Alex and Wishiah came over after driving school, which was also AMAZING.
Because I got to see Wishiah. Which made me very happy. :D
And then the four of us went downtown.
Where Wishiah and I ditched the boys in Victoria's Secret, so we could run off and be alone together.
ps. I just added Wishiah into firefox's spellcheck dictionary. ;D

Anyway.
I had a good day.

Just thought I would share that magical information with you. (:

HOLY BEES NEST. relationship central, babay. lifechange!

Listening To : I dunno. Whatever comes on shuffle. :D
Activity[s] : Drawing! Being Alyssa. Haha.

Two things.

1. Im single.
2. Im in love.
Okay not in love in love, Just figuratively. If thats possible... But yes. Its going to be a looong time before I decide Im in love again, trust me.

So. Nik came down to visit [about goddamn time, its been what? three years?], and I pretty much died of happiness.
Happiness coupled, of course, with horrible life-ruining doubt about everything i ever thought, ever.
But I love him for it, right now.
Because there was nothing more I needed than just a massive, 9.0 earthquake to shake me off of the foundations Ive built myself out of nothing but misguided logic and false emotion.
And good lord, that kid is adorable.
And, when I told him that, he asked me to tell him why, specifically. I, of course, didnt. "You just are!"
So. In order to appease the masters of the universe...

Reasons why Nik is freaking adorable :
1. Hes really, really cute.
2. He pokes at me and hits me and harasses me like a 2nd grade boy thats decided he likes someone.
3. Hes honest with me! He tells me cute things, like that he never thought of me as a plaything [SCORE!], and that he's "always had a crush on me".
4. Even though he's like, 19 [in 3 days!], he does all these really cute, innocent, shy little things. Like reach for my hand, barely touch it, pull back, and then wait for me to figure it out and hold it.
5. "I always feel stupid when I miss you."
"Why would you feel stupid?"
"Because its like.. Wanting something I just can't have."
"What makes you think you couldn't have me?"
'Nough said.
6. When presented with my hands, and me saying "Make my hands warm.", he does exactly the right thing -- open his jacket for me to hug him.
7. He doesn't yell at me for writing notes instead of saying things aloud.
8. Hes content with just holding me.
9. Together, we're horrifically awkward and unsure, and I really, really like it. I miss having someone who isn't like "BAM. HELLO THERE, MAKE OUT WITH ME. WANNA FUCK?"
10. Ive liked him for 6 years. Im biased.

SEE!? It is so much easier for me to write things like that out.
If he'd handed me a sheet of paper and a pen, I could have done it, I just KNOW it.

But even if I wanted to [which I obviously do, what the hell did you expect?!], I won't be able to see him for at least a year. He's off saving the world or some such [aka. joining the coast guard. goodie.]
Im such a dumb blonde.
As SOON as he left last night [for like, 10 minutes. and i was supposed to leave, but didn't, cause my grandma needed a picture, so he had to come back and do that.. but in between that!], I sat down and started crying.
In front of his dad, and his grandma, and my grandma [and obviously my mother]. And lamenting, aloud, LOUD ENOUGH FOR THEM TO HEAR, about how tragic this all was.
And on, and on, and on I went.
I dont even want to know what his dad was thinking, as Im sitting there sobbing about how much I like his kid.
Selfish as it may be, all I can do is HOPE he said something to Nik about it on their drive home today. Seriously.
"Oh, hey. That girl? She really likes you, dude. She sat down and cried."
And you know?
Despite anything Nik could say, Im still worried he'd think I was completely and utterly ridiculous for crying about it.

So.
Then I got to thinking.
He'd hug me, and Id feel perfect. We were sitting there, his arms wrapped around me, and all I could think about was how happy I was in that. exact. second. Which isn't something Ive done in a while -- Im always worrying about things that happened three minutes ago or that will happen tomorrow, I never focus on the present.
But nothing was wrong. I was perfectly content to just sit there, stare off into space, and exist.
And the one time he kissed me?
My heart skipped a beat, my emotions did a summersault, and I was about to cry I was so happy. I had to bury my face into him to keep tears from forming.
BUT.
When Preston hugs me? I just sort of want to push him away... I don't feel safe and protected, I feel overly-depended-upon. And thats a really, really scary feeling.
One that I just cannot deal with.
I mean. To have someone put you in a position where you're their entire life? Thats the most nerve-wracking, trapping thing ever.
I stopped feeling anything when he kissed me or held me or touched me a looong time ago. The only reason I stuck around was because a) I was sure I loved him, and b) He needed me.
That, and he was just a constant. Something comfortable and normal in my life... And something I was proud of, I guess. I mean. We nearly hit 10 months. And he was the first guy I ever actually got that I wanted and pursued and all that. AND. I put up a huuuuge fight for him last year and over the summer.

But you know.
Now that I think about it.
Sometimes I just sort of feel like everything I did, everything I gave up, all of the drama and tears and heartbreak and betrayal I submitted myself to... It just means nothing to him.
Like, he knows it happened, sure. But I think instead of realizing just what it did to me, he just feels proud of himself, because his first relationship was so full of drama. Drama all centered around HIM.
And that, that alone, is enough to turn me off to the whole idea.
I pretty much ruined my life for him.
And... Thats just a really sucky relationship.

So, I broke up with him.
End of story. (:
And don't ask me if we'll get back together, because honestly, I couldn't tell you.
And like I said, the more I think about it...?
I don't really want to. I mean. Im realizing, as my mind is clearing of my blindness from love, that it really, really sucked.

i wanna start all over.

Under Your Spell
Cosmic Gate [ft. Aruna]

Counting out the hours
Like the beat of a song
I feel like a stranger
Wondering where I belong
I wanna start all over
But I know that I can’t
I’m helpless without you
I don’t know who I am

I’m under your spell
Bound and blind and only you can save me
I’m tangled up inside
Caught in your web
I’m hypnotized and only you can wake me
Only you can bring this heart to life

Colors feel so faded
And I can’t hear a sound
I’m walking in circles
Watching my world burn down
There’s nothing else to fight for
Cuz you’re all that I know
I’m stuck in your shadow
Letting you take control

I’m under your spell
Bound and blind and only you can save me
I’m tangled up inside
Caught in your web
I’m hypnotized and only you can wake me
Only you can bring this heart to life

So pull me in and don’t let go
I wanna fall forever
I wanna overflow
If there’s some way out, don’t let me know
I don’t wanna come to
It’s too big to undo
I need to be near you
I can’t keep away…
Under your spell
I’m under your spell

I’m under your spell
Bound and blind and only you can save me
I’m tangled up inside
Caught in your web
I’m hypnotized and only you can wake me
Only you can bring this heart to life

~*~

My world is in a tiny blue bottle, with a tiny cork stopper,
strung on a tiny chain hung from a tiny nail on an endless expanse of black.
The light, refracted through that imperfect blue, swirls its colour into this milky existence,
and all I can do is watch as that colour spirals and blossoms, invading my diluted imaginings of perfection.
I want to run through that beauty, to that shimmering glass wall, and burst through it in a cloud of glittering cobalt slivers of what has suddenly become my tiny prison.
But doubt pours in as I take that first step; the level rises and rises, until I'm fighting to stay above the surface, lips gasping for breath... Fighting for freedom, fighting for the light, fighting for everything.
Everything is nothing, and nothing is everything; any fragment of certainty vanishes, my body goes limp, and the light seems to fade. The black returns.
Doubt dissipates, and that tiny blue vial seems like home; the glass keeps away the darkness, and in turn, blocks out the light.
Reasons form, and then fade, pierced by that light, as it tries to illuminate my silhouette.
A glimmer of hope, as the light glows against an outstreched hand.
But I am reaching for something I cannot grasp, and the currents of doubt tug at my soul.
I am reaching for something I cannot grasp, and so my reasons will have to do.

sad face.

I hate anything that is unreciprocated.
Because then, I just feel like a complete and utter fool.

I was talking earlier about how much I missed Preston, etc etc.
Well. I was all excited, because earlier today, he had said I would see him tonight.
And then this evening, he was like "Oh, I'll see you after I do homework."
And I was like YAY! Because I miss him, you know.

Well anyway.
I get a series of texts :
"Hey."
"Are you free?"
"Im not going to see you tonight, sorry."

And I almost burst into tears right then, because he'd been making me look forward to this [like he does] since 3 this afternoon. And so I convinced him to come see me.
Well. As he waited for his dad to fall asleep, i guess he [either accidentaly or intentionally -- which, due to the fact he never ever keeps his word and I can hardly trust him, is what I'm thinking...] fell asleep. Blowing me off. Again.

And so now I just feel like a complete idiot, because I really really miss him.
And he clearly doesn't miss me nearly as much.
And so I make a huge deal out of something Im really excited about, that he couldn't care less about...
Do you see why I feel so stupid?
I just spent 10 minutes trying to bawl silently, for fear of waking my brother up.
But geez.
It kills me to think I can miss someone so much, and have them not miss me at all.

And its not like this is the first time this has happened.
I don't even know, sometimes.
I have a seriously hard time trusting anything he says he'll do.
And that kills me.
And is making me cry again, just thinking about it.

Alas.

I can't sleep, but I'm off to lay in bed and stare at the cieling, blinking back tears and imagining a world where people would finally miss me just as I miss them.

im burnin' for you.

Listening To : Burning For You -- Blue Oyster Cult [imagine that!]
Activity[s] : Not doing homework, snuggling into Preston's sweatshirt because it smells like him.

Dude.
I love it.
Guys always make their clothes smell like them.
And its amazing.
I get to sit here, wrapped in yummy-smelling boy, when I haven't seen the actual yummy-smelling boy in two days!
TWO WHOLE DAYS.
This is crazy.
I mean, generally I see him every day of my life.. Cause.. We just like being together, I don't know. xD
My mother is shocked and amazed. :p

Also.
This is my second post in two days.
Which is bloody amazing, if you ask me. :D

1. I got a job!
My psychiatrist [of all people] found this job for me, looking after this 11 year old girl for a couple hours after school a few days of week, so her grandma, who is raising her, can have some time to herself.
The girl is apparently really self-sufficient, and just doesn't like to be home alone for that long.
So I'll make 10 bucks an hour, for about 2 hours 3 times a week, just hanging out with this little girl...
Who sounds amazing, by the way. As I was hanging up from talking to the grandma, she goes "Don't forget to tell her I'm weird!"
Most amazing little girl ever? Yes.
So on thursday Im going to go over there to meet them and such, and I'm really looking forward to it.

2. I saw my daddy today!
That was awesome, haha. I miss him so much.
I have so much fun just talking to him, its fantabulous.
We shared music/youtube videos. My two main videos were We Didn't Start The Flame War and David Blaine's Street Magic.
If you don't know what Im talking about, you should watch both, because they are BRILLIANT. :D
But we have many awesome moments.
"Yeah, when Im in a meeting, and I need to tell one of my collegues something, I'll text it to them. You know, if its not appropriate for the rest of the team."
"What do you say?! 'Hey dude. My buttitches.'"
That was a nice moment. :D

Im off to listen to strange musics, now, so toodles. :D

hey hey.

Activity[s] : Should be cleaning my room, thats for sure. :D

For lack of a better title, hey! Whats up! How goes it.

Ive been dead for what seems like forever, haven't said anything worthwhile in ages, and yeah.
I feel remotely bad about it, ya know?
Ive been so unbelievably busy with school and everything, that everything else has just fallen away. Poof! Gone.
But I'm trying to fix that.
I've actually been talking to people on msn, instead of just signing in! How crazy is THAT?!
I was pretty impressed.

So anyway.
My room is a horiffic mess, hahaha. And so today Im half-working on cleaning it up, at least enough so I can comfortably sit at my desk to do my mountains upon mountains of homework. Pretty exciting, if you ask me. :D
Only not really.

There isn't much that's new in my life. Im taking a weaving class at school, which is pretty rad.
Appeals to my crafty-ness.
Check it out:


If I could find the other one [its plaid! that was a lot of work] I'd show you that too.
But unfortunately, in my cleaning, Ive managed to misplace it.
But when I DO find it, I'll be sure to show you.

So.
Im doing well in school, blah blah blah. All that good stuff. :p
I have only had one late assignment! Which is a huge deal for me, because.. It just is.
Ive been trying really, really hard this year.
And I intend to get a 4.0.

OH HAY GUESS WHAT.
On December 15, I get to see Nik.
Yeah, thats right. The kid I haven't seen in 3 years?
Dude the last time I saw him, I got my first kiss. After everything, that seems like eons ago.
And Im really freaking excited, you know that? Like, omg. I could DIE Im so excited.
I've been waiting for this for SO LONG. Because I've wanted to make this crazy impression on him... Just look beautiful, be bright and cheery and flirty, and I guess just make him wish he'd talked to me more.
And I'll be damned if I don't intend to work my girlish charm to its upper limit. WITHOUT looking like a total whore, considering Im not really a single girl, hahaha.
But you'll see.
It will be pretty bad ass.

On Friday I saw 2012 with Emma.
It was amazing, if I may just say that.
Like, really. I expected it to be just a "OMG THINGS EXPLODING INTO DOOM." movie [which it was!], but it also turned out to have this amazing storyline, focusing on a little group of people, and Emma and I were constantly like "OH MY GOD WHAT IF SHE LOVES HIM." And it was just really.. good.
I was on the edge of my seat the entire time, fingers crossed, because pretty much the entire movie, they were mere INCHES from death and destruction.
But you know, I thought it was very realistic how so many people just.. died. No fanfare, no big thing.. People just died. That's all there was to it.
There was this interesting plot element, where the main character had written this hopelessly unpopular book about Atlantis. And as the movie progresses, and one of the main characters talks about the book, it ends up paralleling what is happening in real life [for them]... It was utterly fascinating. The guy reading it eventually launched into this speech about how that book would survive, how it would be safe, merely because he was reading it.
Last thing.
Despite it being horribly depressing [good lord, (almost) everyone DIES], it was also both funny and inspiring. Really. There were these random moments of humor ["Car? On."], and moments that really made you think about how life works [in the form of people that saw beyond themselves, and their own safety, in order to either save or just comfort others...].
AND A BLACK GUY PLAYED THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT. :D

Now. I go back to cleaning. ;D

I don't got all night.

If You Want To
Weezer

The moon was shining on the lake at night
The Slayer t-shirt fit the scene just right
Smeared mascara, I looked into your eyes, I saw a light
You told me stories about your chickadees
They didn’t like BB guns or stupid archery
John the lifeguard, he let them use the pool all day for free

Then the conversation stopped, and I looked down at my feet
I was next to you and you were right there next to me
Then I said go!
If you’re wondering if I want you, (I want you to) I want you to
So make a move, (Make a move) ‘cos I ain’t got all night

The rest of the summer was the best we ever had
We watched Titanic, and it didn’t make us sad
I took you to Best Buy, you took me home to meet your Mom and Dad
Your Mom cooked meatloaf even though I don’t eat meat
I dug you so much, I took some for the team
Your dad was silent, his eyes were fixed on what was on TV

Then the conversation stopped, and I looked down at the ring
Your folks were next to you, and you were right there next to me
Then I said go!
If you’re wondering if I want you, (I want you to) I want you to (I want you to)
I swear it’s true (I swear it’s true) without you, my heart is blue
Go!
If you’re wondering if I want you, (I want you to) I want you to
So make a move, (Make a move) ‘cos I ain’t got all night

So much pain may come our way
There may come a day when we have nothing left to say
When the conversation stops, and we’re facing our defeat
I’ll be next to you and you’ll be right there next to me

Then I’ll say go!
If you’re wondering if I want you, (I want you to) I want you to (I want you to)
I swear it’s true (I swear it’s true) without you, my heart is blue
Go!
If you’re wondering if I want you (I want you to) I want you to
So make a move, (Make a move) ‘cos I ain’t got all night

oh by the way...

POEM[S]!

masochist.

you know that biting
the tender skin below my
ear will always set

my hands to shaking,
and that bruises will be worth
more in the morning

than quiet whispers.
you know that the sharp snap of
your hips into mine

is never enough,
that sex feels good but the ache
feels better. what you

don't know is that i'm
afraid that one winter day
you'll shatter my heart

and when i ask why
you'll just say, "well, i know you
like it when it hurts."
at deviantART

. - by estallidos at deviantART

hipbone connected to the...

dear-

i'm writing you a letter
on the back of my hand
shake and shiver because sometimes
the winter is colder than i hope
you think about me every now and again

i'm falling through the pages of a book i've never read
between the lines of the shapes the streets make
me believe that you aren't as confused as i am
forgetting about poison in my veins and my heart
beats a broken rhythm
drum into submission and i watch as it dies
the black ink bleeding through my body
of water is never as deep as it seems
you've forgotten me and the way i love you
feel so cheap on my skin

i hope you remember and tell me
please
love me.

- by ohsostarryeyed at deviantART

nonexistent people.

"something's wrong."

"what makes you say that?"

"your shirt is white."

"so?"

"so, it's just white. there's nothing on it- no dirt, no ink, no blood."

"i guess you're right."

"so, what's wrong?"

"i don't remember how to speak."

"you're talking right now."

"that's irrelevant."

"yeah?"

"yeah. i'm running my mouth but i'm saying nothing. i'm thinking all these things, and i can't say them. i'm sitting straight but everything is angled and i think i'm falling when i'm only standing still."

"i think you said that very well."

"then maybe i forgot how to see."

"have you?"

"maybe. i'm missing something. like something that's on the tip of my nose and i won't cross my eyes to see it. "

"cross your eyes."

"no."

"why not?"

"i don't want my eyes to get stuck."

"look at me."

"hi."

"what do you see?"

"your eyes are sad. you have a crooked mouth. your hands never touch flatly on your thighs. you look wrong, but beautiful. oh- sorry. i shouldn't say that."

"i don't think you're blind."

"i don't know. maybe i have forgotten how to hear."

"hear, or listen?"

"i can listen. i know what you say isn't what you mean, i can taste the fear on the back of my tongue when you look in only one of my eyes and say, 'no, i'm not afraid.' i can listen to the way your hands shake and your eyes dart to the left when you're nervous. but i can't fucking hear for the life of me."

"what does my heart sound like?"

"it sounds like it's crying, but sometimes like a nuclear explosion."

"i think you can hear just fine. and your sense of taste is alright, as well."

"and smell and taste are connected, right? fuck- i don't know what's wrong with me. maybe i can't feel. maybe i can't live."

"why can't you just be alright?"

"because i can't be wrong. i want to know what i'm missing, i want to know why i can't breathe."

"what are you doing?"

"controlled hyperventilation. i'm breathing, and it's beautiful. it's as beautiful as you. i can breathe and taste and see and smell and hear and feel and listen and i can't stop shaking or crying and i'm falling to pieces, but it's so fucking beautiful because it means i'm not dead."

- by ohsostarryeyed at deviantART