Listening To : Butterflies and Hurricanes -- Muse
Drinking : Water!
Activity[s] : Embroidering, waiting for the heater to warm the bathroom, being sick.
I believe I shall start with the cutest conversation ever.
"Every time you fall asleep on me, I fall for you that much more."
"Every time I fall asleep on you, I fall for you more and more.. Also, it happens to be the best, most relaxing sleep I have ever had."
"Well, Im glad. I think its so sweet, that you trust me enough to fall asleep, leaving yourself that vulnerable."
"If I dont have you next to me, All I can do is toss and turn, and think about how you can relax me and bring me to peace with everything.."
Im so in love with that kid.
Its kind of silly. Like. How does that sort of thing happen to me?
And Im so completely focused on him, and him alone. Not like in the past.. -cough-
Ooooh Preston. -shakes head-
He really did fall asleep, with his head on my shoulder.
Its SO CUTE. Omg. How am I supposed to wake him up, anyway?
Would you? NO. YOU WOULDNT. See? Point exactly. ;D
It makes me feel loved. ♥
Anyway.
Other than having an amazing boyfriend..
My life is kind of fucked.
#1.
Im doing horribly in school.
Dunno how or why, but I only have a 3.3 [roughly], and I keep missing school cause I keep getting sick.
Which fucking sucks.
My dad got a warning letter about my attendance the other day, and now Im like "... Shit."
How is it that other people can miss so much school, but I cant?
Ugh. Not cool. ):
But yeah. My grades.
I dunno.
Im trying!
I just have no motivation to do anything. Sound familiar?
Yeah, I thought so too. :/
#2. I keep feeling like Im losing all my friends.
We kicked Leah out of our group for being a WHORE, so that doesn't really count.
But last night, Emma said that she didn't like how she never talked to me cause I was always with Preston.
Nevermind the fact Id spent 2 hours on the phone with her the night before, making sure she was okay, and doing everything I could to cheer her up.
Its just sort of rude to be like "OH LOL. HOLD ON, BABE. IM GONNA TALK ON THE PHONE AND COMPLETELY IGNORE YOU."
& I dont know what she expects me to do. ):
Oh well.
OH AND THEN.
I found out Puteri is in Dallas today, and then this weekend is going to be in LA.
LA! LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA. You know, that state where I live.
Of course, it makes no difference. After two years of being like "OMG I WISH I COULD MEET YOU!", etc, when she is within two hours of my house, she doesnt tell me.
I promptly burst into tears, and cried for a loooong time.
I guess that makes it official. I lost my once-best friend ever. And that kills me.
I'll hate myself over that forever. And ever.
I never thought I'd lose her over a simple disagreement in our opinions on something like that..
I thought it'd take more than that.
#3. My antidepressant ISNT WORKING!
Fuck that!
So Im all like, suicidal and stuff.
Which SUCKS.
That, and I overreact to everything, so I keep getting all pissed off at everyone, and then I feel REALLY BAD about it.
Only, I dont. Its more like "I know I should feel bad, but I really dont, but Ill say I do, because I KNOW I SHOULD."
Sucks. Majorly. ):
So what else.
Uhm.
ALYSSA, WHEREFORE ART THOU FAILURE.
BUT. Its not all failure!
I promise thee!
Like. Positive things :
- My boyfriend is amazing?
- Im having fun living with my mum.
- I HAVE A NEW HOBBY. Embroidery!
- I got Netflix, so I can watch whatever the hell I want!
- Ive been talking to April a lot lately.
- I have a date with Emma on Saturday.
- I survived the synthesis thing! [ITS TRUE! I DID!]
- Im goregous?
As a parting note.
Im trying to figure out what my definite, 100% fool-proof turn-ons are.
And I dont really have any, I think.
Which is kind of stupid. :p
Now. For a cute picture of me. :D
Isnt that tiara adorable!?
It was seven bucks.
How awesome is that.
& Sorry I always forget to blog!
I'll try and be better about remembering, I promise you. :p
Im just.. An idiotttt. ♥
[by the way. if you ever wondered. i dont get comments on my entries because most of the people who read my blog talk to me about it on msn.
however, i like comments. they're positive reinforcement! DO IT.]
Listening To : Starts With One -- Shiny Toy Guns
Eating : Milk chocolate truffles.
Activity[s] : MSN, Facebook, etc. Hanging out..
#1: Im in love! :D
#2: I had my appendix removed. o.o
#3: Im dedicated to fixing my life.
#4: I want to dye my hair!
Listening To : LION KING MUSIC. :D
Activity[s] : MSN, homework?, lol yeah.
Oh geez.
I dont even know what to think right now, rofl.
I had a good day!
I cleaned my room! O:
Well, started, anyway.
Got pretty far, too.
Shit its so nice.
Im happy. xD
Aaand theeeennnn.
My Papou Steve [grandpa, lol]'s birthday is tomorrow, so they had a bbq up at his house today.
And he specifically asked my mum if she could see if I could go.
So I totally went. ;D
Aaaand I brought Preston. Yay me! xDD
It was fun, too.
As per usual, mum and I were sort of the black sheep, cause we always are, especially when its my Aunt Karen, Courtney, and Christopher.. I dont like them much. :/
But its was awesome nonetheless.
We watched the Laker game, and hung out..
And my uncle Tom & my Papou seem to like the boy, so thats a plus.
Papou wants us to come up there and hang out. ^^ I love him, I really do. xD
Plus, Im seriously falling for the boy.
Its sort of insane.
I dont even know, lol.
Really.
o.o
But theeennn.
We got back to my house, and my dad and Kerri weren't here.
And we're not supposed to be here when they're not. Cause.. we're just not. lol.
[apparently its because kerri was a ho when she was my age, and doesn't think i would be any different..? ugh. i hate that.]
But the thing is. My dad NEVER told me he wouldn't be here. So I sort of had to walk into possibly getting in trouble.
Which pisses me off.
He texted me like "We're on our way, better bail!"
And I was like "... Excuse me?"
Anyhow. I just barely got Preston out the side door, before they walked in the other one. WAY too stressful.
And I felt horrible. He thinks Kerri hates him, and fuck, its no secret why.
Plus, its no fun to half-kick your boyfriend out the door, into pitch blackness, with an "Okay. Be quiet. See you later."
I got so pissed at my dad.
I was like "Dude. That was fucked up. Way too stressful. You didn't fucking tell me you weren't going to be here. How am I supposed to respect the rules when I dont know Im breaking them?"
He was like "Uh, well.. I swear I told you we were at Leah's."
And Im just like "Uh. No. Not so much."
Bleh.
And then I was like "Dude. Its no fucking wonder why he thinks Kerri hates him. The only input he ever indirectly gets from her is that he shouldnt be here. You'd think she hated you, too!"
Bleh again.
Lol I have homework to do.
But.
This last thing is important.
LEAH [not the above Leah, thats Dad and Kerri's friend. This is OUR friend Leah.] is a fucking bitch.
Okay so.
Apparently.
She likes Preston.
She told him so.
She told him. And dude. Girls very rarely tell a guy they like him if theyre not expecting something from it. Especially in Leah's case.
And she's clingy as fuck.
And now.
Shes talking shit about me.
And bringing Cliff into the picture.
When she doesn't even know how hard Im trying to have him not interfere with this.
Ugggghhhh.
Its sickening!
Because even though I know, she won't admit to it. She thinks she's going behind my back.
AND WHAT MAKES IT WORSE.
She asked out Doug yesterday.
And he said yes.
So then what the fuck does that mean.
She apparently "can't decide" between Preston and Douglas.
And I just want to kill her.
What the hell kind of friend is that?
Listening To : The clinking of the dishes being put away..
Drinking : CHOCOLATE MILK.
Ahahahaha. Blogging in the morning is such a special experience.
I have to keep stopping to do stuff Im supposed to do. :p
Anyhow.
This has been bugging me.
I dont write this for the benefit of those whom I see every day [grammar is win!].
Its written for the people I adore that don't have that privelege.
Juuuust for the record. x.x
And.
What I write here isn't what I want to be judged on.
If I write it here, its for people who know me, and know how I work, to read and be like "Oh, okay.", because I never get a chance to talk to them.
God damn it, dont criticize what I tell my best friends!
I can tell them whatever the hell I want.
Im a girl.
Give me a freaking break.
/rant
ANYWAY.
I am such a girl.
My planner is full of cute little notes to myself, and random days are circled on the yearly overview. ;D
AND. 23 is STILL my favourite number, and will always be.
Its the most amazing number everrr. ♥
Uhhhhm.
Lets see.
I know I haven't talked to any of you guys in forever, Im sorry! D:
I miss you!
Ive been so freaking busy, and then been falling asleep at the most idiotic times... Like 9.30. ):
My mum and her new boyfriend [INORITE. she finally got one she likes!] are so much fun to hang around.
Its kind of silly. ;D
Theyre so adorable, omg.
And he's SO nice, and so good for both her and Perry.
Its pretty fan-freaking-tastic.
Uhh..
Today is Colin's 6th birthday. :D
Crazy, eh?
Hes getting OLD. D:
omg have to go.
has come to an end.
Listening To : Where The Moss Slowly Grows -- Tiger Army [Jade Puget Remix]
Activity[s] : Supposed to be writing my history essay..
One thing I really hate.
When I have to act like people are my friends when they aren't.
Seriously.
"She's acting like you're alright. Like it was before the fight. But it's.. different."
"I don't feel like its the same at all. Its completely different, and not about to turn back. But its trying to be the same."
"There ya go, that's it."
"Yeah."
I don't know what to do.
She's going to figure it out, you know?
And then the drama shall continue.
It always does.
Its a friendship slated for disaster. :/
Listening To : Kids -- MGMT
Activity[s] : Homework, Facebooking [msn is fucked..]
Drinking : DIET COKE. ♥
Ooooh my.
What has happened..
Fuck if I know.
All I can say is.
Even though there are people blatantly against it.
Im fucking loving my relationship [w/ preston, if youre confused] right now. (:
My boyfriend is adorable.
Yeah.
I went there.
Cause I am having so much freaking FUN with this one.
Its so amazing.
And Im happy. Which is also amazing. Startling, even.
Startling that nothing is getting in the way of it [-cough-]. Im trying really hard, though. (:
Just like I said I would.
And its workinggg!
And its SO worth it.
^ stupid paragraph.
Cuteness squee story timeee.
Today.
We were sitting in history study hours.
[i had moved up one row, cause i was like "aaah youre too far away."]
And hes like ".. Do you have to walk home?"
And Im like "Yeah, probably."
Cause my family was out of town [until about an hour ago], and my friends had gone home earlier.
And hes like "... I could walk you."
So he walked me the nine blocks back up to my house. ♥
Twas so sweet, ahahaha. I told Emma, and she was like "AAAAAAAAAAAH."
Which then made me go "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH."
And it was just a stupid scene of.. stupidity.
I dont know.
I just feel like Im freakishly lucky, although there are people who'd beg to differ.
Hes just so sweet.
Now.
If you're Wishiah, you hate me.
):
She says she isnt, but she's so wildly against this its scary.
She came to the conclusion that she's just going to avoid us when were within ten feet of eachother.
Because she simply cannot bear it! -dramatic swoon-
Which is freaking stupid, and awkward, and horrible, and makes things bad. ):
"I dont want to be his friend."
And then Emma said it seems like shes trying to steal him from me...
[to which my response was "even if she was, she wouldnt be able to! ;D"]
God I dont even know.
Of course.
The one thing thats making me mega happy would tear me and one of my best friends apart.
Bleh.
But you know what.
What-the FUCK-ever, man.
I dont give a shit anymore.
Im fucking HAPPY, and if anyone is going to ruin it, its going to be ME.
And its not. :D
Listening To : Wild World [originally by Cat Stevens], on repeat.
Activity[s] : Supposed to be doing homework...
Holy.
Fucking.
Shit.
My life has completely fallen apart in the last almost-7 days.
Pretty much the ONLY good thing thats happened is that Wishiah and I got Preston to ask me out.
And even that is shrouded in horribleness.
1. Ive ruined anything I had somehow gotten with Cliff.
He didnt even speak to me for several days, let alone be nice.
I mean. I guess it seems like I betrayed him or some such?
Fuck, I dont even know.
I could explain how it isnt that at all, but I dont really feel up to it.
Anyway.
Now hes in this whole "I just need to help you fix all the stuff Ive broken", etc etc.
And he is being all distant -- although, apparently hes always been distant?
2. Puteri thinks Im an idiot, and therefore will hardly talk to me.
As soon as I told her about Preston, she went all psycho on me, and started listing off reasons I shouldn't date him.
And theyre just sort of silly.
And anyway, now she thinks Im acting ridiculous, and not thinking things through.
And then she got pissed off at me for never telling her anything.
We apologized and such, but its still all fucked up. I fail.
3. My mum hates me.
I told her I didnt want to live there anymore.
She threatened to kill my cat.
I dont want to have anything to do with her, anymore.
4. I still cant concentrate on my homework.
Dont know whats going on there...
5. April hates me.
Ughhhhh.
Fuck.
Im sick of blogging.
But there you go.
Listening To : Lips Like Morphine -- Kill Hannah
Eating : ... Skittles. o.o
Activity[s] : Giggling maniacally.
I am NOT TIRED, because I am FREAKING GREAT.
:DDDDDDDDDDDDD
Bahahaha.
Im so cool. I dont even know.
Okay so.
I just had a really INTERESTING conversation with Preston.
Which ended with.
"I was thinking. You're right, in that I didn't do anything because Im shy or whatever. But. Id never do anything unless I was sure that it would work out in my favor -- and of that, Im still not sure."
"Sparky, my dear. Being a girl of your caliber, things generally work out in your favor. So please dont worry yourself."
Lol I DONT EVEN KNOW.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Not a clue what the hell just happened.
I also have no clue whats going to happen. In the MORNINGGGG.
Uh ohh. Watch out.
[knowing the rest of the conversation would help, but thats what put me on the floor giggling.]
God damn it, Im hyper.
Storybook life + nothing to eat but sugar ALL DAY + PAPER FLOWERS = Woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Lol yeah.
Ive consumed nothing but skittles and soda today.
Im SO HEALTHY. YAY ME.
Ive actually felt sick for like, 8 hours now. xD
Im so made of fail.
& Paper flowers.
Holy crappp, I went insane.
It started with me making a rose for April, who was freaking out.
The rose itself took HOURS.
Damn. Just folding the flower took forever! That shit is HARD.
And then to make the stem/leaves/etc... Dang.
[it looks fucking GREAT, though.]
And then.
I made an ENTIRE BOUQUET of what appear to be irises.
Which involved printing out custom, triangle shaped, DOUBLE SIDED paper.
That was hard enough as it was. xD
I'll take pictures of these things, at some point.
Anyway, the bouquet.
It has these cool leaves.
And I even put it in a vase!
My land.
Im happy.
I might complete my quest.
[no one is going to understand what I mean by that. ;D]
Tonight. Is a good night.
Even though I feel like Im going to be sick.
Fucking skittles. >.>
Listening To : The Adventure -- Angels and Airwaves
So here's the deal.
After reading back through some of my blog posts, I realize they've all been useless, meaningless jumbles of nothingness.
So I figure I'll actually talk about some of that stuff that's halfway important to me, you know? Yeah.
Way back in.. whatever... I left my mum's house.
I got sick of her, etc. And just left. Poof! In the middle of the night. Byeee.
Created a shitload of drama that everyone got over, and now I am at my daddy's house.
BUT THE ISSUE IS.
My dad is moving to San Jose in July.
That's 5 hours away, for all you non-Californian folks.
Not that convenient, when I go to school in Santa Barbara, eh?
So I need somewhere to live -- that ISN'T my mother's. No one wants me back there.
Except my mother.
If you've known me, you know how completely fucked my life at my mum's is.
The power will get shut off, and the only thing I'll be able to find to eat is a SINGLE potato.
The first thing I've eaten in 2 days, at that.
The internet is a very maybe thing, and I'm never really sure if we're going to have it the next month or not..
I never, ever get to go shopping, and there would be no way she'd be able to give the the $50 a week I spend on food, if I eat the way I'm supposed to.
Plus, shes a psycho bitch to me, because our personalities conflict so much. Famously so, at that.
Sitting on the bathroom floor, in the dark, at 4 am with my laptop, because she threatened to steal it? Oh yeah.
But see, the thing is.
She expects me to go back there when my dad moves.
The stay here was originally a temporary thing -- "lets just take a break from eachother" sort of thing.
But being away from her, I see how fucking MISERABLE it is there.
And now I don't want to ever deal with that again. Ever.
But she doesn't know that -- I cant exactly tell her. Shed take it as "I feel you are unfit to be my mother."
She takes everything personally.
And even if I DON'T go back there, I don't necessarily have anywhere else to GO.
I'm sure my Grandma Pat would let me live there, but I don't know if she'd be too keen on it.
We don't always agree, and its kind of a lot of responsibility.. :/
I could live with my Grandma Judy, but she lives all the way in Carp -- very inconvenient. Living downtown is SO much better..
I could live with one of my friends, but how the hell do I ask...?
My dad jokingly suggested.. Well wait. Let me explain that, first.
So there's another, recent factor in all of this.
Cliff. Is moving to Santa Barbara in June.
Yeah.
Motherfuckin' crazy, seriously.
But yes. He's moving here. And, oddly enough, would be staying with my mother herself.
Theyre friends, or some such. [dont ask me, please. xD its complicated ; and NOT LIKE THAT]
And Mr. Johnson has been really, REALLY decent to me, lately. Like, really.
Its the most dramatic, amazing change ever. Seriously.
So you know, his presence might be enough to change stuff..?
Hell if I know.
Anyway. My dad jokingly suggested [with a "i-cant-believe-im-a-father-saying-this" precursor] living with Cliff. [and then followed it up with "BUT NO SEX!" I nearly choked on my air laughing.]
And I was like "AhahahaNO. Hell no. There's NO way I would put THAT much responsibility on that poor boy. Hes only 19."
And my dad and Dr. Geis laughed. xD
AT LEAST IM REALISTIC.
Im sure it would be lovely, but if we fucked something up.. Id be homeless. Or miserable. Or both.
You know. Always thinking of the possibilities. ;D
If you should have any ideas about what the fuck I should do, I'd love to hear them?
I mean really.
NO ONE in my ENTIRE family wants me to go back to my mother's, except my mother herself.
Everyone knows its an awful situation.
I could, technically, go up north with my daddy, but that would mean COMPLETELY starting over in terms of school/friends/life/etc, AND a custody battle with my mother [over a 17 year old. idiotic? i think yes.]
The other solution is to find somewhere for me to live -- but where? I dont want to live in Carpinteria, I fucking HATE that town. Im sorry. And who wants to take on another kid, essentially? :/ My daddy would pay, of course, but still..
And how the FUCK do I tell my mother?!
Then, on top of that, I have typical Alyssa troubles. :p
Liking boys I cannot understand.
Hating being single, with a passion. Its been a YEAR. 12 months!
Im a Cancer, I crave love and affection. I cannot deal with life without it. Fuck me. [not fuck me, just.. damn me to hell.]
And it doesn't help that the one boy I like [well, that I see every day] is so fucking CONFUSING AND FRUSTRATING.
I have never been so positive in my life that its a hopeless endevour.
I think I was even hopeful about Alex Robitaille. That should show you how HOPELESS THIS IS.
/spazz
I guess that's more meaningful?
... Ive ended up in a meeting.
See, Im spending the day at my dad's office.
And Ive been hanging out in a meeting room all day. And then Herb came in, wanting to have a meeting in it.
But they didn't make me leave.
So I didn't! :D
So yeah.
Im sitting here, laptop in my lap [nowai.], listening to the stupidest meeting I have ever heard.
Its so.. random?
"Have you been to the plants?"
"They all died, or got taken away."
"What?"
"We have no one to take care of them."
-odd looks-
"YEAH. We got rid of all of our plant-watering people, too."
"We should have a log sheet! One cupful of water per plant."
"YES OKAY."
They started out the meeting by spending 10 minutes on despair.com.
It was.. really exciting.
"OKAY GUYS. We have a guest! We need to impress her -- show that we actually -do- do work."
.. Alright. This is pretty much the whole meeting, summed up.
"Well maybe this is how we could waste another 20 minutes..."
They have nothing else to do. Poor meeting-people.
... And they named a project after some dude named McQueen, but HQ thought it was Lightning McQueen?
Wtf. Okay. This is really silly.
This makes me want to work in technology! XD
- I got Netflix, so I can watch whatever the hell I want!
Isnt that tiara adorable!?