Blueberries!

Okie dokie.
So today, I was sitting in history...
Alex wouldn't even look at me... >.>
I walked over to Elizabeth [who sits right next to him..], and he still didnt look at me...

So anyway, Elizabeth was like "Whats up?"
And I just kinda looked at her and frowned, and he grabbed my hand and was like "Tis okayy..."
And she nodded over in Alex's direction, then had a questioning look, and I just sort of nodded...
And she's like "Yeah, he told me.."
And I shrugged, and we talked about how the two of us don't eat [I found someone who gets sick!]..
Shes so sweet, I love her..
She has the prettiest features, too.. Just.. Stunning.
I don't quite understand how he can /not/ like her.. Gosh.
So, back to history..
We took this test today, and yeah.
I totally didn't know any of the answers.. I didnt even have all my Cornell notes. ;-;
How the hell am I supposed to know which king was a fecking Puritan?!
And of course, Alex wouldnt look at me. The whole time.
It was terrible.. Like.. Ugh.
I hate how he acts like he never even knew me...
Buttttt!
Mr. Ratelle gave me [and only me] a starburst.
Isnt that nice?!

So, while I was sitting...
I realized the fact my relationship with Alex completely failed because of me.
Like no one has told me that... >.>
But still.
I figured it out all on my own..
I was to unwilling, subconsiously...
Damn me.
I need to tell my subconsiousness to fuck off and die.
Its ruining my life.

What else happened todayyyy...

Oh. Chris was super cute in Physics.
He helped me braid my hair. :p
And and and. He was like "Im going to break this chair over your head!"
And I looked at him funny, and he came over and hugged me, and was like "Nah, I wouldnt do that.. Youre too nice." :]
Isnt that sweet?
It made me feel super special..

Uhmmmm.
In English, Fineberg was super scary..
I swear, he'll kill us all someday. >.>
Scary.

What else...
In Latin.
We learned conjugation.
Again...
Rofl.

OH! Driver's Ed was fun..
I just cannot remember why. xD

My life is so weird.
OH. One more class.
Math.

So we had a group test..
Our group kicked ass..
Twas me, Blue, Midget Kid, Tyler, Tyler, and Mikey.
We get minus 3 for having too big a group.. xD

But anyway. We planned my funeral..
The food served will be mini bagels, pizza, watermelon, and tequila. :]

I think we failed the test, though. xD

<3

>.>

My fucking whore of a [ex]boyfriend...

After everything that has been going on, and the fact we havent even been talking...
Ughhhhh.

Okay.
So Im sitting in the car, and I get this text.
"Hey, I cant give you a ride, so meet me there at like, 8.30..."
And I was like "o.O"
And my mom goes "Thats the most fucked up thing Ive ever heard..."
Crazy ho.

But, at least were broken up now..

Then he goes "Lets just go as friends..."
And Im like "No.. Youre a cute boy, find one of those friends you make out with all the time, and go with them."
And no response, buahaha.
:]

Ill just stick with my Swiss Chocolate, whether I can actually have it or not. <333

Blah.

Tra la la..

I have nothing worthwhile to blog about...

Except that I can solve 3^(2x)=81
In math.
Yah.
Cause Im Sveeeedish.
:D

Im bugging people on MSN, listening to The Sounds, and talking on the phone. :]
Yah.
Pretty much...

Pathetic, yah?
Yah.
Yahhhhh. :d
Eyelicker!

Hmph.

You think you have something completely under control...

Okay, so thats a lie.
Ive never once thought that...
But.

Ugh.

Anyway, moving on.
I figure /one/ post that has nothing to do with the silly drama in my life might be nice.
So.
:D

----

There was this super weird guy at school today..
Blue were trying to see how close we could get to Alex without him noticing us...
And there was this sticker on a locker that said "Is it ____ta?"
Cause it had been torn, so we didn't know what it said..
So we were like "Is it ganstaaa?"
And Blue said "Yeah, cause thats gonna happen.. 'Can you go?' 'I dunno, is it gansta?'"
And I started laughing...
And then this dude randomly came up to us and was like "Did you tell her a really funny joke or something..?"
And we looked at him, and I thought she knew him, so i was like "No.. Hahah. No.. Hahahaha."
So we explained it..
And now, I think he wants to stalk us. o.o
Scary scary.

Uhm... What else...?
I dunno. XD

Orange is a pretty color. :D

Reality.

My boyfriend is hurt.
Because when he twirls my hair around his finger,
and tells me he loves me,
there is no way for me to respond.
I sit in a silence, and he turns away.
I can say nothing, because I am full of doubt.
I cannot respond, even smile in response.
He blinks, and wonders if I heard...
I nod in response.
But still say nothing.
The same doubt I had to endure,
it follows me.
I can see the pain in his eyes.
And it scares me.
I want to kiss him, want to show him that I /do/ care, my silence isn't anything against him..
And I cannot.


Im worried.
I scare myself.
Nothing seems real anymore.
Nothing moves, nothing changes.
My life seems like a dream, one I think is real.
I need proof I did something, memories are not enough.
My heart is beating fast,
yet so very slow.
Ive listened to the same song about a million times...
It soothes me.
In its sadness...

This isnt because of anything Im used to.
Its odd..
Lonely.

Sometimes...

... I cannot help but wonder...

Why life works the way it does.
Why, when you try to get over someone, you only like them more.
When you find someone you really like, something holds you back.
When you think you know whats happening, something changes.

Why when you think you're happy, you suddenly realize..
You arent.

Coldness, Indeed. :/

It was cold.
So cold.
Ugh.
I froze, I knew I would.

It was fun though..
Definetely fun.
:]

We walked from school to the beach [thats like, 3 miles...]
And then yeah..
The water was fucking cold.
Like running into ice.
Brr, much.
So then, after like, 3 minutes, we went and just sort of sat there, rofl.
By the way.
Putting pants on while a bit damp = impossible.

So then we walked back to Camino, and some cute guy in Starbucks gave me a dollar off my coffee...
Hahaha. Alex totally glared at me when I told him that.

So the football game.
I saw all these people I know... [rofl, it was hilarious. Kyle goes by, and hes like "Holy shit! Are you guys going out?!" And we were like "Uhh.. What do /you/ think?"], and there was rain running down my arms and my back, and my hair was wet, and the boyfriend was warm, the whole atmosphere was awesome..
And then, last night, Alex was talking about having Coach P as a Health teacher, and he accidentally said "Having sex with Coach P was funny."
So yeah. I got to use that a lot tonight...
"Well, at least its better then HAVING SEX WITH COACH P!" XDDD

So anyway. We won the game, for the record.

So today was good. :]

I tried not to think about anything else..
Failed.
But tried my best...

I only want to be happy.

Coldness.

The boyfriend is forcing me to go to the beach before the football game tomorrow.
And go in the water.
Im going to freeze.
My.
Ass.
Off.

He totally owes me, the ho.

Anyone who knows me knows I hate being cold.
But nooooo.
I have to go anyway.
Ugh.

Yes. Thoughts.

I cannot help but wonder.

Where people would be if everyone was perfect.
If everyone could say whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted.
If everyone could express everything they wanted.
If life was perfect, in that sense.

Life is an endless battle.
And it won't end.
Until the day I die.
And even then, it will continue.

Ill still make people cry.
Ill still underestimate the power of the things I do.
Cause no one will ever tell me.
But I wont mean to.
Ill be innocent.
Im not mean.
Im not vindictive.
Im a loving, caring, worrying person.
Everything I do, is me just trying to survive.
Trying to make sense.
Trying to be what I think people want me to be
And even then.
I fail.
Miserably.

Apparently, there is nothing to fail at.
But if there is nothing, then I fail even more.
It makes perfect sense.

However, the logic is lost.
I can make no sense of anything I think or say.
Contrary to popular belief.
I cannot even understand myself.
And damn, I try.
In every period.
Every moment.
Of every day.
I wonder.
I think.
I hope.
That someday, things will work out.
Even though they never will.
Cause not talking is the only way out.
A lie.
A terrible, terrible lie.
That could never be true.

Love.
Wanting someone to be happy.
No matter what it does to me.
Not a care in the world.
I think.
I even fail at that.
I refuse to see past myself.
Past this fog.
That I left myself in.
And no matter how much it is shaken.
I cannot get out.

Sometimes I wish.
That I didnt exist.
I have to go to school tomorrow.
And pretend to be happy.
Kiss a boy I dont love.
And try to forget.
And I wont.
Ill try.
But I wont try hard enough.
Cause I wont want to.

Alyssa's Journal : Written out.

So, while I listen to upbeat musics.
I shall copy down what I wrote in my journal earlier.
Its really just a whole page of drawings and words, with some structure.
So Ill put down what'll make sense.
A bit. :p





So it ends.
A charade.
A fantasy.
A nightmare.
Never to be forgotten.
Never wanting to remember.
A broken shard
Of a crystal shape
Rests upon cool tile.
The coldness creeping into the sparkling glass
Forgotten.
Abandoned.
Replaced.
A delicate balance,
A gentle happiness.
Destroyed.
Lost.
Done.


What could have been,
but never grew.
What could have soared,
but never flew.


Once cannot help but wonder.
What would have
Could have been.
If fate only cared,
If time only waited.


A Fleeting Moment In Time
can mean nothing.


Love.
An illusion.
A lie.
A false hope.
A dream.
That no one shall ever achieve,
but everyone will yearn for.


Illusion.
Lies.
Love.
Just a haunting memory.