until i can see nothing at all.

Listening To : November -- Azure Ray
Eating : Wheat Thins! :D
Activity[s] : Embroidering... Yeah.

Embroidery. I loves it.

See?

Yeaaahaaahh. :D
Its cute.
Its like.
Well you'll see! :D
Im not going to spoil it. Ill just take pictures every couple days, so you can see my epic progression skills. Thats two days, right thurr. While doing other things, of course. xD
But Ill tell you this much.

Theres a slice of cheese in it. ;D Awesome, no?

Anyway.
Moving on.

My face feels amazing.
Cause yesterday I got bored, so I decided to test the merits of kitchen dermatology.
So I steamed my face, exfoliated it with baking soda, ran a cotton ball dipped in overly-steeped peppermint tea over it, and then covered the whole thing in honey [which was DELICIOUS].
And now my skin is like. Lovely.
Its all smooth and nice. (:
Random, yes.
Awesome, though.

Uhhhh.
I just called Nik.
And left a message, of course, cause he doesn't believe in picking up.
And I know he wont return my call.
But I dont care anymore. Its the thought that counts. And now it wont be nagging me, and I can say I did it.
Cause he graduated this year and all. :p
That boy.
Pfft.
Im never going to see him again, I swear it.

... I like boys. ♥

are you doing okay?

Listening To : Kristy, Are You Doing Okay?
Activity[s] : Writing.

I am suddenly an incredibly large fan of the idea of performance reviews.
The mandatory responsibility to explain to a person what they are doing wrong before you can fire them.
So they have a chance to fix it.
So they can at least see it coming.
Because if they know they're doing something wrong, and they care about their job..
They'll try to fix it.
They'll do whatever they can to fix it.
Instead of one day, finding themselves without that job they love, and they think they're succeeding at.
Because it simply isn't fair to just expect someone to know what they're doing wrong.
It isn't fair to just say "You've been doing this wrong for x months, sorry, we're gonna have to let you go."

Tears And Rain
James Blunt

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Tears and Rain.

Tears and Rain.

Far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

"I think what hurts the most is that you'll have no regret, and you won't miss me a bit."
"What does this mean to you. Last night I went for a walk.. I was not really paying attention to where I was going, then I looked up, and I was on your front porch."

To be honest?
I dont know what that means to me.
He never further explained it..
Just left it at that.
What could that mean, anyway? Dude.
He's just in the habit? He subconsciously missed me somehow? He had something to say? He's merely trying to make me feel worse? Better? Guilty? What..?
I don't like vague, oblique statements like that. I don't like to have to wonder.
Because then all I can DO is wonder, and slowly drive myself absolutely insane.

He says I still have him. He says Im his best friend.
I feel like a pretty shitty best friend.
And. I don't want him as a best friend. I dont want to be "like Wishiah".
I want to be like Alyssa.

Which is why I say I don't think he'll regret it, or miss me.
As far as he's concerned, Im still close to him, and he's a hell of a lot happier.
So what is there to regret?
Nothing.
Because, you know. I'll get over it! I'll be totally fine with it, definitely.
And everything will be just peachy.

HAH.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

I might be single.
But I might not be.
I really really really dont want to be.
Really.

SCRATCH THAT.
I AM SINGLE.
Ooooh Im so pissed off.

But at the same time.
[no, im not gonna say i want to be.]
I dont wanna be the stupid, clingy, crying, desperate FEMALE anymore.
Im fucking sick of it.
No way in hell.

BY THE WAY.
I love my friends.
They kick so much ass. ♥

pretty thoughts and tattered shreds.

My heart is is just a pretty sculpture, made of nice ideas and bits of others' I've left in my wake.
Anything that was ever mine was obliterated long ago, without a single piece left to gather up.
And to love with this hollow, porcelain heart is a decadent, fragile thing.
Because the slightest mishandling can leave it permanently fractured.

Reciprocation is everything.
Without it, love is nothing.
Without it, words may as well be falling upon deaf ears, gestures upon blind eyes.
Without it, my thoughts mean as much as a broken wing.
They may be there, but they're not going to get anyone very far.
Because it just won't matter.

The spiteful part of me wants to say everything Ive been keeping locked in that porcelain heart.
The hell I put myself through, to even allow myself to love.
The guilt Ive had to endure. The awkward moments of a lingering depression. The inability to speak.
To paint the picture of the deathmatch against my mind, my rational thought.
To throw that black paint at the canvas, to try, somehow, to share the pain.
And yet, even in the face of being dragged down into guilt and remorse.
I cannot bring myself to deliver that blow.
I cannot bring myself to be spiteful.
I cannot even let a foreign tongue cast a negative light upon that dragging hand.
Even though my porcelain heart has been turned to dust, I cannot let go.
I never can.

Sometimes, I don't think I'll ever be okay.
The damage left by one cannot be repaired by another.
And the damage done by another will only add to the damage done by the first.
And so the cycle goes.
And the damage worsens.
And this pretty porcelain heart is remade.
New ideals are added into the mixture, and new shreds of hearts are used as a mold.
But the integrity only weakens.

Someday, I'll reach the end.
And the damage will be impossible to overlook.
And the neverending task of rebuilding this heart will cease.
And I'll find a hollow peace.
Forever lacking the one thing I crave more than anything.
Something to fill that hollow heart of mine.
Thoughtfulness.
Respect.
Caring.
Love.
You.
♥

why cant you see it?

See the mirror in your eyes
See the truth behind your lies
Your lies are haunting me
See the reason in your eyes
Giving answer to the why
Your eyes are haunting me

Falling in and out of love
in love, in love
Falling in and out of love
your love, your love

Why can't you see it?
Why can't you feel?
In and out of love each time

You keep keep runnin'
I keep keep fallin'
Let it fade away.

Away away away away
Oh let it fade away

In And Out of Love -- Armin van Buuren
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxvpctgU_s8

There have been multiple times in my life when I just have no idea what to do or think or say.
This is one of them.
I feel like my life is falling apart, yet on perfectly stable ground.
Everyone is drifting away, and I feel like they are turning their backs ; but I also feel like Im pushing.
I have bouts of suicidal thoughts, but I don't think Ive been happier in a long time.
I love life, and yet I feel like I should be better than I am.

Something isn't right, and I dont know what it is.

LOL IM SO BORED SURVEY SAAAAAAYS.

How old was the last person you texted?
15. Eehee. ;D

Where did you get your shoes?
Im not /wearing/ shoes.
But the ones I wear EVERY SINGLE DAY were $2.50 at Old Navy! Hahaha.

Are you wearing make up?
Yeah. I sort of always am..

Could you last in the armed services?
HELLZ NAH.

What do you want?
... My squee. :/

What are you doing right now?
Supposed to be doing Algebra II homeworkkk.
But I got distracted.
So instead Im having fun typing to the tune of Let It Rock.

Do you talk to people you meet online?
... Ahahahahahahahahahaha. Hahaha. Haha. Ha. Hahaha. Ha. -cough-

Are you hungry?
Just had dinner.
BUT IM HUNGRY FOR PIE! :D

What was the last movie you watched?
... I KNOW THIS ONE. -concentrates-
Possibly Lion King? Haha we got bored on Thursday when there was no school.
"What do you wanna do?"
"I dunno."
"Yeah me either."
"Uh..."
"LETS WATCH LION KING!"
"HAHA. Okay?"
"YES. WERE GOING TO! YES YES. OKAY."
[guess which one was me. >.>]

Are you currently eating or drinking anything?
... No. But. Like I mentioned before. Im pining after my pie... :/

Where is your phone?
In my lap. Im trying to think of something to say. :p

Do you miss anyone?
... -cry-

What was the last thing you heard?
Well, considering Im listening to music...

Who was the last person you kissed?
OH I WONDER. HMMMM.

What are you listening to?
Snuff On Digital -- Blaqk Audio

What is your dream job?
Architect / Interior Designerrr.

What are the last 2 numbers in your number?
-thinks of number-
...-..88!

What are you thinking about?
Answering this question, tbh.
Buuuutttt. Eh.

Do you have any piercings?
NO. I FAIL. LOL. D:

Are you attractive?
I was today. Shhiittt.
Of course, I didn't go to school. D'oh!

What color is your toothbrush?
White. With purple accents, motherfuckahhh!

When was the last time you smiled?
Kind of a while ago, considering.. Like, 20 minutes at least.

Are you open?
No, but my legs are!
Oh god, Im kidding. xD
... Bummer, I know. ):

What color is your computer?
Black?
LOL NO, ITS OBVIOUSLY HOT PINK, DONTCHAKNOW.
Wtf kind of question is that? Goof ball.

Are you messy?
Haha, yesssss.
If youve seen my room, you would know.

Do you drink?
"Not alcohol." - April
I can see you now. "LOL WHY YES, I DRINK WATER. I AM HUMAN, YOU KNOW, YOU SILLY GOOSE."
Dorkasaurus.
But no. It makes me sick before I get drunk. Lame? Yes. Worth it? No.

What search engine do you use?
Google?
[lol alyssa, not goodle. typinggg isuueesssss.]

When was the last time you were angry?
Uhhh.
When my mum was being all moody when I was a) meringuing my pie, b) talking on the phone, and c) singing My Shiny Teeth and Me [shiny teeth, shiny teeth!].
Cliff can testify to that. ;D
SHINY TEETH THAT SPARKLEEE, JUST LIKE THE STARS IN SPACEEEEEEEE.

What is your favorite commercial?
Oh geez.
I dont even know.

How many people are under the letter a in your address book?
Nine! :D
Aisha, Alex, Alexandra, Amanda, Anna, April, Asal, Aubrey, and my Auntie Sara. :D

Do you use hair gel?
... Ew?

What are 5 things that begin with the first letter of your name?
First five things that come to mind, GO!
Ageless Termites [?? wtf, mind.]
Antonio..s? [the plural of Antonio...]
Afghans [also, afghanis! from afghanistan! ... do they have many afghans in afghanistan?]
Apricots [i like them.]
ASAL! [eeeeee! :DDDDD]

What is your favorite resturant?
Errrr. I have a lot.
ONE OF THE ASIAN ONES, THOUGH. FER SURE. :D

When was the last time you checked your myspace?
Last week. I dont use it anymore.. Can you tell?

When was the last time you had butterflies?
"When was the last time you hated butterflies?" -- What I read.
"NEVER?! D:" -- My response to my misreading.
"Saturday night." -- My actual answer to the ACTUAL question.

What was the last thing you got in the mail?
... Hahaha panties?

Are you happy?
I TOTALLY AM.
I would be happier with a) my pie [ITS STILL COOLING. D:] and b) my boyfriend, but whatever.

Do you have a favorite color?
Why, yes!
[I love how it doesn't ask what it is, though..]

Are your nails painted?
Mmhm.
Right hand = Silver
Left hand = Pink
Toes = Coral...?

Do you own any expensive clothing?
... Probably.

When was the last time you danced?
TODAY. WHILE MAKING PIE AND DRINKING BEANER SODA.
TO SHINY TEETH.
I DONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY, ITS THE BEST SONG EVER.
CHIP SKYLARK. HES A DREAMBOAT! -swoon-

Do you ever wax?
... No. BUT.
I should. :p

Do you straighten your hair?
Yeah.
I have to.
Ahahaha. POOF-MASTAH.
OMG THATS YOUR NEW NICKNAME, AMANDA.
I love you. ♥

Do you know how to swim?
... Yah?

Are you excited about anything?
Summer, fer sure. ♥

When was the last time you saw your best friend?
Who IS my best friend?!?!
Wishiah - Wednesday
Emma - Wednesday
April - ...? [in my dream three nights ago!]
Cliff - ...? [... IN MY IMAGINATION, LOL. ... creepy! D:]
I DONT KNOW. TOO STRESSFUL. DDDDDD:

What was the last text you sent?
"I can.. I do. I do, baby, I do."



Well that was special!
... I really should get back to that homework now.
BUT IM SORRY I DONT HAPPEN TO KNOW WHAT the cosine of 5pi/3 is.
SORRY.

... Okay now I have to figure it out, just to prove myself to you people.
-does math-

5pi/3 is 300 degrees... The reference angle would be 60...
Fouth quadrant cosine is positive...
Positive cosine of 60 [or pi/3] issss 1/2 ?
-checks-
-switches calculator to radians-
cos(5pi/30) = .5
YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER. See, I CAN do math! You should be shocked and amazed!
The cosine of 5pi/3 is officially 1/2.
And thats worth bolding. :p

... 17pi/3. Thats certainly not on the circle.
God damn this stupid homework!

Oh radian circle, thou hast failed me!

Anyway.
Uhhhh.
I dunno.
Not really up for blogging, atm. xD

TAH! ♥

now darling, don't lose your head.

Speeding Cars
Imogen Heap
[thank you April! ♥]

Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violence
just run with me through rows of speeding cars.
The papercuts the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
i know you think it's more than just bad luck

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie
never far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
You can't keep on like this...
now's a bad a time as any

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me.. it was a long time ago

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..it was a long time ago

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

-incoherent African chanting-

Listening To : Instrumental Lion King music! :D
Eating : Top Ramen.. ♥
Activity[s] : Procrastinating [as usual], reading Owen Meany

Dude I'm so excited.
I get to read A Prayer for Owen Meany [why does blogger not have an underline button?] for Literature.
Granted, I have to lie and say Ive never read it before [I did, in 8th grade. Finished it on the plane ride back from DC], but whateverrr. I don't remember it anyway.
But I'm so happy.
And Beth was like, to Libby and I, "I'm almost jealous of you guys, getting to just start experiencing the book.."
Shes so cute. xD
My mum recommended it to me, cause her friend Allison recommended it to her, and yeah. Fun stuff.
[I keep spelling recommended with two c's. o.o]
Anyway. I have to read 43 pages today, so that's cool. :p
Its independent reading, and we set our own schedule.. Yay for reading a 540-page book, for school, in a month. :p
I could read it in a weekend, sure, but whatever. Its still silly. xD So many pages! kjflkhg.

Uhhm.
I really like Lion King music.
Dude. Its so sad.
I listen to it, and it calms me down.
I have a newfound tendency to ignore the dialouge when I watch the movie, and just listen to the music in the background.
-idiot-

Oh oh oh.
So.
Preston & I went to my grandmother's for dinner last night. Which was horrible, because we're both terrified of her, ahaha.
Shes a bitch to me, and she doesn't trust him further than she could throw him. And considering hes a good foot taller than her, and shes old, I doubt she could even pick him up.
But anyway. She neglected to tell me [us] that my dad, Kerri, and the kids were coming too. Thanks, grandma.
Kerri really doesn't like Preston. Like, really. Its sort of sad.
HOWEVER.
MY LITTLE SIBLINGS DO. It was really cute.
They were all apprehensive at first. But then we were playing this silly game of catch with a little ball. And it was REALLY CUTE.
Aaaah I love it.
At one point I called my mum to see if she could pick us up, and the three of them were over yonder, playing with the ball.
I was like "D'AWWWW."

[I should so be doing homework, lolol.
I have to stay up tonight and write an essay on Chronicle of a Death Foretold. CAUSE I FORGOT, LOL. It was due like.. Wednesday. xD
And then there's history.. oh shit. Damn Gordon. :p]

I GOT MY DAD A BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Its really, really awesome. And he's gonna laugh at me. ;D
His birthday is on Saturday. :D
I have to go to Papyrus this week and get cards up the wazoo.
Card List :
Mother's Day :
- Mum
- Kerri
- Wishiah [ahaha don't ask.]
- Grandmothersss?
Birthday :
- Dad [9th]
- Ellen [12th]
And then Cliff's birthday is coming up on the 23rd, and I better get my butt moving on finishing his damn present...
Screw me, for being so thoughtful.

[I wonder what my Italian homework for Tuesday is...]

I'm totally digging Netflix. [This blog post is so ADD, its intense. xD]
We watched Bill and Ted['s Excellent Adventure, for you lesser informed] last night.
Fucking LOVE that movie.
I watched it with Colin once.. Ahaha. My dad thought that was the coolest thing.
& I just have to finish watching Boondock Saints, now. Best movie ever. :D
I break stereotypes. ;D

OKAY LAST THING I'M GOING TO SAY BEFORE I GO AND FINISH THIS CHAPTER OF OWEN.
Okay two more, but whatever.

I still don't get logarithms. Harsh. ):

& ... Would you believe I don't even remember what the initial last thing I was going to say was?
Damn.
Good going, Alyssa. :p

Okay. I'm off. Owen, here I come.

"I told you, I'm doing English! I'm sitting here with Owen Meany in my lap!"
"WHAT?!"
"A Prayer for Owen Meany.. My English book?"
"... Oh. Yeah. Right."

[hi random british dude! :D]

change everything you are.

Listening To : Butterflies and Hurricanes -- Muse
Drinking : Water!
Activity[s] : Embroidering, waiting for the heater to warm the bathroom, being sick.

I believe I shall start with the cutest conversation ever.

"Every time you fall asleep on me, I fall for you that much more."
"Every time I fall asleep on you, I fall for you more and more.. Also, it happens to be the best, most relaxing sleep I have ever had."
"Well, Im glad. I think its so sweet, that you trust me enough to fall asleep, leaving yourself that vulnerable."
"If I dont have you next to me, All I can do is toss and turn, and think about how you can relax me and bring me to peace with everything.."

Im so in love with that kid.
Its kind of silly. Like. How does that sort of thing happen to me?
And Im so completely focused on him, and him alone. Not like in the past.. -cough-
Ooooh Preston. -shakes head-

He really did fall asleep, with his head on my shoulder.
Its SO CUTE. Omg. How am I supposed to wake him up, anyway?
Would you? NO. YOU WOULDNT. See? Point exactly. ;D
It makes me feel loved. ♥

Anyway.
Other than having an amazing boyfriend..

My life is kind of fucked.

#1. Im doing horribly in school.
Dunno how or why, but I only have a 3.3 [roughly], and I keep missing school cause I keep getting sick.
Which fucking sucks.
My dad got a warning letter about my attendance the other day, and now Im like "... Shit."
How is it that other people can miss so much school, but I cant?
Ugh. Not cool. ):
But yeah. My grades.
I dunno.
Im trying!
I just have no motivation to do anything. Sound familiar?
Yeah, I thought so too. :/

#2. I keep feeling like Im losing all my friends.
We kicked Leah out of our group for being a WHORE, so that doesn't really count.
But last night, Emma said that she didn't like how she never talked to me cause I was always with Preston.
Nevermind the fact Id spent 2 hours on the phone with her the night before, making sure she was okay, and doing everything I could to cheer her up.
Its just sort of rude to be like "OH LOL. HOLD ON, BABE. IM GONNA TALK ON THE PHONE AND COMPLETELY IGNORE YOU."
& I dont know what she expects me to do. ):
Oh well.

OH AND THEN.
I found out Puteri is in Dallas today, and then this weekend is going to be in LA.
LA! LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA. You know, that state where I live.
Of course, it makes no difference. After two years of being like "OMG I WISH I COULD MEET YOU!", etc, when she is within two hours of my house, she doesnt tell me.
I promptly burst into tears, and cried for a loooong time.
I guess that makes it official. I lost my once-best friend ever. And that kills me.
I'll hate myself over that forever. And ever.
I never thought I'd lose her over a simple disagreement in our opinions on something like that..
I thought it'd take more than that.

#3. My antidepressant ISNT WORKING!
Fuck that!
So Im all like, suicidal and stuff.
Which SUCKS.
That, and I overreact to everything, so I keep getting all pissed off at everyone, and then I feel REALLY BAD about it.
Only, I dont. Its more like "I know I should feel bad, but I really dont, but Ill say I do, because I KNOW I SHOULD."
Sucks. Majorly. ):

So what else.
Uhm.
ALYSSA, WHEREFORE ART THOU FAILURE.
BUT. Its not all failure!
I promise thee!

Like. Positive things :
- My boyfriend is amazing?
- Im having fun living with my mum.
- I HAVE A NEW HOBBY. Embroidery!

- I got Netflix, so I can watch whatever the hell I want!
- Ive been talking to April a lot lately.
- I have a date with Emma on Saturday.
- I survived the synthesis thing! [ITS TRUE! I DID!]
- Im goregous?

As a parting note.
Im trying to figure out what my definite, 100% fool-proof turn-ons are.
And I dont really have any, I think.
Which is kind of stupid. :p

Now. For a cute picture of me. :D

Isnt that tiara adorable!?
It was seven bucks.
How awesome is that.

& Sorry I always forget to blog!
I'll try and be better about remembering, I promise you. :p
Im just.. An idiotttt. ♥

[by the way. if you ever wondered. i dont get comments on my entries because most of the people who read my blog talk to me about it on msn.
however, i like comments. they're positive reinforcement! DO IT.]

ooooh.

Listening To : Starts With One -- Shiny Toy Guns
Eating : Milk chocolate truffles.
Activity[s] : MSN, Facebook, etc. Hanging out..

#1: Im in love! :D
#2: I had my appendix removed. o.o
#3: Im dedicated to fixing my life.
#4: I want to dye my hair!