why cant you see it?

See the mirror in your eyes
See the truth behind your lies
Your lies are haunting me
See the reason in your eyes
Giving answer to the why
Your eyes are haunting me

Falling in and out of love
in love, in love
Falling in and out of love
your love, your love

Why can't you see it?
Why can't you feel?
In and out of love each time

You keep keep runnin'
I keep keep fallin'
Let it fade away.

Away away away away
Oh let it fade away

In And Out of Love -- Armin van Buuren
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxvpctgU_s8

There have been multiple times in my life when I just have no idea what to do or think or say.
This is one of them.
I feel like my life is falling apart, yet on perfectly stable ground.
Everyone is drifting away, and I feel like they are turning their backs ; but I also feel like Im pushing.
I have bouts of suicidal thoughts, but I don't think Ive been happier in a long time.
I love life, and yet I feel like I should be better than I am.

Something isn't right, and I dont know what it is.

LOL IM SO BORED SURVEY SAAAAAAYS.

How old was the last person you texted?
15. Eehee. ;D

Where did you get your shoes?
Im not /wearing/ shoes.
But the ones I wear EVERY SINGLE DAY were $2.50 at Old Navy! Hahaha.

Are you wearing make up?
Yeah. I sort of always am..

Could you last in the armed services?
HELLZ NAH.

What do you want?
... My squee. :/

What are you doing right now?
Supposed to be doing Algebra II homeworkkk.
But I got distracted.
So instead Im having fun typing to the tune of Let It Rock.

Do you talk to people you meet online?
... Ahahahahahahahahahaha. Hahaha. Haha. Ha. Hahaha. Ha. -cough-

Are you hungry?
Just had dinner.
BUT IM HUNGRY FOR PIE! :D

What was the last movie you watched?
... I KNOW THIS ONE. -concentrates-
Possibly Lion King? Haha we got bored on Thursday when there was no school.
"What do you wanna do?"
"I dunno."
"Yeah me either."
"Uh..."
"LETS WATCH LION KING!"
"HAHA. Okay?"
"YES. WERE GOING TO! YES YES. OKAY."
[guess which one was me. >.>]

Are you currently eating or drinking anything?
... No. But. Like I mentioned before. Im pining after my pie... :/

Where is your phone?
In my lap. Im trying to think of something to say. :p

Do you miss anyone?
... -cry-

What was the last thing you heard?
Well, considering Im listening to music...

Who was the last person you kissed?
OH I WONDER. HMMMM.

What are you listening to?
Snuff On Digital -- Blaqk Audio

What is your dream job?
Architect / Interior Designerrr.

What are the last 2 numbers in your number?
-thinks of number-
...-..88!

What are you thinking about?
Answering this question, tbh.
Buuuutttt. Eh.

Do you have any piercings?
NO. I FAIL. LOL. D:

Are you attractive?
I was today. Shhiittt.
Of course, I didn't go to school. D'oh!

What color is your toothbrush?
White. With purple accents, motherfuckahhh!

When was the last time you smiled?
Kind of a while ago, considering.. Like, 20 minutes at least.

Are you open?
No, but my legs are!
Oh god, Im kidding. xD
... Bummer, I know. ):

What color is your computer?
Black?
LOL NO, ITS OBVIOUSLY HOT PINK, DONTCHAKNOW.
Wtf kind of question is that? Goof ball.

Are you messy?
Haha, yesssss.
If youve seen my room, you would know.

Do you drink?
"Not alcohol." - April
I can see you now. "LOL WHY YES, I DRINK WATER. I AM HUMAN, YOU KNOW, YOU SILLY GOOSE."
Dorkasaurus.
But no. It makes me sick before I get drunk. Lame? Yes. Worth it? No.

What search engine do you use?
Google?
[lol alyssa, not goodle. typinggg isuueesssss.]

When was the last time you were angry?
Uhhh.
When my mum was being all moody when I was a) meringuing my pie, b) talking on the phone, and c) singing My Shiny Teeth and Me [shiny teeth, shiny teeth!].
Cliff can testify to that. ;D
SHINY TEETH THAT SPARKLEEE, JUST LIKE THE STARS IN SPACEEEEEEEE.

What is your favorite commercial?
Oh geez.
I dont even know.

How many people are under the letter a in your address book?
Nine! :D
Aisha, Alex, Alexandra, Amanda, Anna, April, Asal, Aubrey, and my Auntie Sara. :D

Do you use hair gel?
... Ew?

What are 5 things that begin with the first letter of your name?
First five things that come to mind, GO!
Ageless Termites [?? wtf, mind.]
Antonio..s? [the plural of Antonio...]
Afghans [also, afghanis! from afghanistan! ... do they have many afghans in afghanistan?]
Apricots [i like them.]
ASAL! [eeeeee! :DDDDD]

What is your favorite resturant?
Errrr. I have a lot.
ONE OF THE ASIAN ONES, THOUGH. FER SURE. :D

When was the last time you checked your myspace?
Last week. I dont use it anymore.. Can you tell?

When was the last time you had butterflies?
"When was the last time you hated butterflies?" -- What I read.
"NEVER?! D:" -- My response to my misreading.
"Saturday night." -- My actual answer to the ACTUAL question.

What was the last thing you got in the mail?
... Hahaha panties?

Are you happy?
I TOTALLY AM.
I would be happier with a) my pie [ITS STILL COOLING. D:] and b) my boyfriend, but whatever.

Do you have a favorite color?
Why, yes!
[I love how it doesn't ask what it is, though..]

Are your nails painted?
Mmhm.
Right hand = Silver
Left hand = Pink
Toes = Coral...?

Do you own any expensive clothing?
... Probably.

When was the last time you danced?
TODAY. WHILE MAKING PIE AND DRINKING BEANER SODA.
TO SHINY TEETH.
I DONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY, ITS THE BEST SONG EVER.
CHIP SKYLARK. HES A DREAMBOAT! -swoon-

Do you ever wax?
... No. BUT.
I should. :p

Do you straighten your hair?
Yeah.
I have to.
Ahahaha. POOF-MASTAH.
OMG THATS YOUR NEW NICKNAME, AMANDA.
I love you. ♥

Do you know how to swim?
... Yah?

Are you excited about anything?
Summer, fer sure. ♥

When was the last time you saw your best friend?
Who IS my best friend?!?!
Wishiah - Wednesday
Emma - Wednesday
April - ...? [in my dream three nights ago!]
Cliff - ...? [... IN MY IMAGINATION, LOL. ... creepy! D:]
I DONT KNOW. TOO STRESSFUL. DDDDDD:

What was the last text you sent?
"I can.. I do. I do, baby, I do."



Well that was special!
... I really should get back to that homework now.
BUT IM SORRY I DONT HAPPEN TO KNOW WHAT the cosine of 5pi/3 is.
SORRY.

... Okay now I have to figure it out, just to prove myself to you people.
-does math-

5pi/3 is 300 degrees... The reference angle would be 60...
Fouth quadrant cosine is positive...
Positive cosine of 60 [or pi/3] issss 1/2 ?
-checks-
-switches calculator to radians-
cos(5pi/30) = .5
YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER. See, I CAN do math! You should be shocked and amazed!
The cosine of 5pi/3 is officially 1/2.
And thats worth bolding. :p

... 17pi/3. Thats certainly not on the circle.
God damn this stupid homework!

Oh radian circle, thou hast failed me!

Anyway.
Uhhhh.
I dunno.
Not really up for blogging, atm. xD

TAH! ♥

now darling, don't lose your head.

Speeding Cars
Imogen Heap
[thank you April! ♥]

Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violence
just run with me through rows of speeding cars.
The papercuts the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
i know you think it's more than just bad luck

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie
never far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
You can't keep on like this...
now's a bad a time as any

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me.. it was a long time ago

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..it was a long time ago

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

-incoherent African chanting-

Listening To : Instrumental Lion King music! :D
Eating : Top Ramen.. ♥
Activity[s] : Procrastinating [as usual], reading Owen Meany

Dude I'm so excited.
I get to read A Prayer for Owen Meany [why does blogger not have an underline button?] for Literature.
Granted, I have to lie and say Ive never read it before [I did, in 8th grade. Finished it on the plane ride back from DC], but whateverrr. I don't remember it anyway.
But I'm so happy.
And Beth was like, to Libby and I, "I'm almost jealous of you guys, getting to just start experiencing the book.."
Shes so cute. xD
My mum recommended it to me, cause her friend Allison recommended it to her, and yeah. Fun stuff.
[I keep spelling recommended with two c's. o.o]
Anyway. I have to read 43 pages today, so that's cool. :p
Its independent reading, and we set our own schedule.. Yay for reading a 540-page book, for school, in a month. :p
I could read it in a weekend, sure, but whatever. Its still silly. xD So many pages! kjflkhg.

Uhhm.
I really like Lion King music.
Dude. Its so sad.
I listen to it, and it calms me down.
I have a newfound tendency to ignore the dialouge when I watch the movie, and just listen to the music in the background.
-idiot-

Oh oh oh.
So.
Preston & I went to my grandmother's for dinner last night. Which was horrible, because we're both terrified of her, ahaha.
Shes a bitch to me, and she doesn't trust him further than she could throw him. And considering hes a good foot taller than her, and shes old, I doubt she could even pick him up.
But anyway. She neglected to tell me [us] that my dad, Kerri, and the kids were coming too. Thanks, grandma.
Kerri really doesn't like Preston. Like, really. Its sort of sad.
HOWEVER.
MY LITTLE SIBLINGS DO. It was really cute.
They were all apprehensive at first. But then we were playing this silly game of catch with a little ball. And it was REALLY CUTE.
Aaaah I love it.
At one point I called my mum to see if she could pick us up, and the three of them were over yonder, playing with the ball.
I was like "D'AWWWW."

[I should so be doing homework, lolol.
I have to stay up tonight and write an essay on Chronicle of a Death Foretold. CAUSE I FORGOT, LOL. It was due like.. Wednesday. xD
And then there's history.. oh shit. Damn Gordon. :p]

I GOT MY DAD A BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Its really, really awesome. And he's gonna laugh at me. ;D
His birthday is on Saturday. :D
I have to go to Papyrus this week and get cards up the wazoo.
Card List :
Mother's Day :
- Mum
- Kerri
- Wishiah [ahaha don't ask.]
- Grandmothersss?
Birthday :
- Dad [9th]
- Ellen [12th]
And then Cliff's birthday is coming up on the 23rd, and I better get my butt moving on finishing his damn present...
Screw me, for being so thoughtful.

[I wonder what my Italian homework for Tuesday is...]

I'm totally digging Netflix. [This blog post is so ADD, its intense. xD]
We watched Bill and Ted['s Excellent Adventure, for you lesser informed] last night.
Fucking LOVE that movie.
I watched it with Colin once.. Ahaha. My dad thought that was the coolest thing.
& I just have to finish watching Boondock Saints, now. Best movie ever. :D
I break stereotypes. ;D

OKAY LAST THING I'M GOING TO SAY BEFORE I GO AND FINISH THIS CHAPTER OF OWEN.
Okay two more, but whatever.

I still don't get logarithms. Harsh. ):

& ... Would you believe I don't even remember what the initial last thing I was going to say was?
Damn.
Good going, Alyssa. :p

Okay. I'm off. Owen, here I come.

"I told you, I'm doing English! I'm sitting here with Owen Meany in my lap!"
"WHAT?!"
"A Prayer for Owen Meany.. My English book?"
"... Oh. Yeah. Right."

[hi random british dude! :D]

change everything you are.

Listening To : Butterflies and Hurricanes -- Muse
Drinking : Water!
Activity[s] : Embroidering, waiting for the heater to warm the bathroom, being sick.

I believe I shall start with the cutest conversation ever.

"Every time you fall asleep on me, I fall for you that much more."
"Every time I fall asleep on you, I fall for you more and more.. Also, it happens to be the best, most relaxing sleep I have ever had."
"Well, Im glad. I think its so sweet, that you trust me enough to fall asleep, leaving yourself that vulnerable."
"If I dont have you next to me, All I can do is toss and turn, and think about how you can relax me and bring me to peace with everything.."

Im so in love with that kid.
Its kind of silly. Like. How does that sort of thing happen to me?
And Im so completely focused on him, and him alone. Not like in the past.. -cough-
Ooooh Preston. -shakes head-

He really did fall asleep, with his head on my shoulder.
Its SO CUTE. Omg. How am I supposed to wake him up, anyway?
Would you? NO. YOU WOULDNT. See? Point exactly. ;D
It makes me feel loved. ♥

Anyway.
Other than having an amazing boyfriend..

My life is kind of fucked.

#1. Im doing horribly in school.
Dunno how or why, but I only have a 3.3 [roughly], and I keep missing school cause I keep getting sick.
Which fucking sucks.
My dad got a warning letter about my attendance the other day, and now Im like "... Shit."
How is it that other people can miss so much school, but I cant?
Ugh. Not cool. ):
But yeah. My grades.
I dunno.
Im trying!
I just have no motivation to do anything. Sound familiar?
Yeah, I thought so too. :/

#2. I keep feeling like Im losing all my friends.
We kicked Leah out of our group for being a WHORE, so that doesn't really count.
But last night, Emma said that she didn't like how she never talked to me cause I was always with Preston.
Nevermind the fact Id spent 2 hours on the phone with her the night before, making sure she was okay, and doing everything I could to cheer her up.
Its just sort of rude to be like "OH LOL. HOLD ON, BABE. IM GONNA TALK ON THE PHONE AND COMPLETELY IGNORE YOU."
& I dont know what she expects me to do. ):
Oh well.

OH AND THEN.
I found out Puteri is in Dallas today, and then this weekend is going to be in LA.
LA! LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA. You know, that state where I live.
Of course, it makes no difference. After two years of being like "OMG I WISH I COULD MEET YOU!", etc, when she is within two hours of my house, she doesnt tell me.
I promptly burst into tears, and cried for a loooong time.
I guess that makes it official. I lost my once-best friend ever. And that kills me.
I'll hate myself over that forever. And ever.
I never thought I'd lose her over a simple disagreement in our opinions on something like that..
I thought it'd take more than that.

#3. My antidepressant ISNT WORKING!
Fuck that!
So Im all like, suicidal and stuff.
Which SUCKS.
That, and I overreact to everything, so I keep getting all pissed off at everyone, and then I feel REALLY BAD about it.
Only, I dont. Its more like "I know I should feel bad, but I really dont, but Ill say I do, because I KNOW I SHOULD."
Sucks. Majorly. ):

So what else.
Uhm.
ALYSSA, WHEREFORE ART THOU FAILURE.
BUT. Its not all failure!
I promise thee!

Like. Positive things :
- My boyfriend is amazing?
- Im having fun living with my mum.
- I HAVE A NEW HOBBY. Embroidery!

- I got Netflix, so I can watch whatever the hell I want!
- Ive been talking to April a lot lately.
- I have a date with Emma on Saturday.
- I survived the synthesis thing! [ITS TRUE! I DID!]
- Im goregous?

As a parting note.
Im trying to figure out what my definite, 100% fool-proof turn-ons are.
And I dont really have any, I think.
Which is kind of stupid. :p

Now. For a cute picture of me. :D

Isnt that tiara adorable!?
It was seven bucks.
How awesome is that.

& Sorry I always forget to blog!
I'll try and be better about remembering, I promise you. :p
Im just.. An idiotttt. ♥

[by the way. if you ever wondered. i dont get comments on my entries because most of the people who read my blog talk to me about it on msn.
however, i like comments. they're positive reinforcement! DO IT.]

ooooh.

Listening To : Starts With One -- Shiny Toy Guns
Eating : Milk chocolate truffles.
Activity[s] : MSN, Facebook, etc. Hanging out..

#1: Im in love! :D
#2: I had my appendix removed. o.o
#3: Im dedicated to fixing my life.
#4: I want to dye my hair!

uhhh..

Listening To : LION KING MUSIC. :D
Activity[s] : MSN, homework?, lol yeah.

Oh geez.
I dont even know what to think right now, rofl.

I had a good day!
I cleaned my room! O:
Well, started, anyway.
Got pretty far, too.
Shit its so nice.
Im happy. xD

Aaand theeeennnn.
My Papou Steve [grandpa, lol]'s birthday is tomorrow, so they had a bbq up at his house today.
And he specifically asked my mum if she could see if I could go.
So I totally went. ;D
Aaaand I brought Preston. Yay me! xDD
It was fun, too.
As per usual, mum and I were sort of the black sheep, cause we always are, especially when its my Aunt Karen, Courtney, and Christopher.. I dont like them much. :/
But its was awesome nonetheless.
We watched the Laker game, and hung out..
And my uncle Tom & my Papou seem to like the boy, so thats a plus.
Papou wants us to come up there and hang out. ^^ I love him, I really do. xD

Plus, Im seriously falling for the boy.
Its sort of insane.
I dont even know, lol.
Really.
o.o

But theeennn.
We got back to my house, and my dad and Kerri weren't here.
And we're not supposed to be here when they're not. Cause.. we're just not. lol.
[apparently its because kerri was a ho when she was my age, and doesn't think i would be any different..? ugh. i hate that.]
But the thing is. My dad NEVER told me he wouldn't be here. So I sort of had to walk into possibly getting in trouble.
Which pisses me off.
He texted me like "We're on our way, better bail!"
And I was like "... Excuse me?"
Anyhow. I just barely got Preston out the side door, before they walked in the other one. WAY too stressful.
And I felt horrible. He thinks Kerri hates him, and fuck, its no secret why.
Plus, its no fun to half-kick your boyfriend out the door, into pitch blackness, with an "Okay. Be quiet. See you later."

I got so pissed at my dad.
I was like "Dude. That was fucked up. Way too stressful. You didn't fucking tell me you weren't going to be here. How am I supposed to respect the rules when I dont know Im breaking them?"
He was like "Uh, well.. I swear I told you we were at Leah's."
And Im just like "Uh. No. Not so much."
Bleh.
And then I was like "Dude. Its no fucking wonder why he thinks Kerri hates him. The only input he ever indirectly gets from her is that he shouldnt be here. You'd think she hated you, too!"
Bleh again.

Lol I have homework to do.
But.
This last thing is important.

LEAH [not the above Leah, thats Dad and Kerri's friend. This is OUR friend Leah.] is a fucking bitch.
Okay so.
Apparently.
She likes Preston.
She told him so.
She told him. And dude. Girls very rarely tell a guy they like him if theyre not expecting something from it. Especially in Leah's case.
And she's clingy as fuck.
And now.
Shes talking shit about me.
And bringing Cliff into the picture.
When she doesn't even know how hard Im trying to have him not interfere with this.
Ugggghhhh.
Its sickening!
Because even though I know, she won't admit to it. She thinks she's going behind my back.

AND WHAT MAKES IT WORSE.
She asked out Doug yesterday.
And he said yes.
So then what the fuck does that mean.
She apparently "can't decide" between Preston and Douglas.
And I just want to kill her.

What the hell kind of friend is that?

uhh..

Listening To : The clinking of the dishes being put away..
Drinking : CHOCOLATE MILK.

Ahahahaha. Blogging in the morning is such a special experience.
I have to keep stopping to do stuff Im supposed to do. :p

Anyhow.
This has been bugging me.

I dont write this for the benefit of those whom I see every day [grammar is win!].
Its written for the people I adore that don't have that privelege.
Juuuust for the record. x.x
And.
What I write here isn't what I want to be judged on.
If I write it here, its for people who know me, and know how I work, to read and be like "Oh, okay.", because I never get a chance to talk to them.
God damn it, dont criticize what I tell my best friends!
I can tell them whatever the hell I want.
Im a girl.
Give me a freaking break.
/rant

ANYWAY.
I am such a girl.
My planner is full of cute little notes to myself, and random days are circled on the yearly overview. ;D

AND. 23 is STILL my favourite number, and will always be.
Its the most amazing number everrr. ♥

Uhhhhm.
Lets see.
I know I haven't talked to any of you guys in forever, Im sorry! D:
I miss you!
Ive been so freaking busy, and then been falling asleep at the most idiotic times... Like 9.30. ):

My mum and her new boyfriend [INORITE. she finally got one she likes!] are so much fun to hang around.
Its kind of silly. ;D
Theyre so adorable, omg.
And he's SO nice, and so good for both her and Perry.
Its pretty fan-freaking-tastic.

Uhh..
Today is Colin's 6th birthday. :D
Crazy, eh?
Hes getting OLD. D:

omg have to go.

and so another journey..

has come to an end.

Listening To : Where The Moss Slowly Grows -- Tiger Army [Jade Puget Remix]
Activity[s] : Supposed to be writing my history essay..

One thing I really hate.
When I have to act like people are my friends when they aren't.
Seriously.

"She's acting like you're alright. Like it was before the fight. But it's.. different."
"I don't feel like its the same at all. Its completely different, and not about to turn back. But its trying to be the same."
"There ya go, that's it."
"Yeah."

I don't know what to do.
She's going to figure it out, you know?
And then the drama shall continue.
It always does.
Its a friendship slated for disaster. :/

take only what you need from it. [aka: -squeee!-]

Listening To : Kids -- MGMT
Activity[s] : Homework, Facebooking [msn is fucked..]
Drinking : DIET COKE. ♥

Ooooh my.
What has happened..
Fuck if I know.
All I can say is.

Even though there are people blatantly against it.
Im fucking loving my relationship [w/ preston, if youre confused] right now. (:
My boyfriend is adorable.
Yeah.
I went there.
Cause I am having so much freaking FUN with this one.
Its so amazing.
And Im happy. Which is also amazing. Startling, even.
Startling that nothing is getting in the way of it [-cough-]. Im trying really hard, though. (:
Just like I said I would.
And its workinggg!
And its SO worth it.
^ stupid paragraph.

Cuteness squee story timeee.

Today.
We were sitting in history study hours.
[i had moved up one row, cause i was like "aaah youre too far away."]
And hes like ".. Do you have to walk home?"
And Im like "Yeah, probably."
Cause my family was out of town [until about an hour ago], and my friends had gone home earlier.
And hes like "... I could walk you."
So he walked me the nine blocks back up to my house. ♥
Twas so sweet, ahahaha. I told Emma, and she was like "AAAAAAAAAAAH."
Which then made me go "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH."
And it was just a stupid scene of.. stupidity.

I dont know.
I just feel like Im freakishly lucky, although there are people who'd beg to differ.
Hes just so sweet.

Now.
If you're Wishiah, you hate me.
):
She says she isnt, but she's so wildly against this its scary.
She came to the conclusion that she's just going to avoid us when were within ten feet of eachother.
Because she simply cannot bear it! -dramatic swoon-
Which is freaking stupid, and awkward, and horrible, and makes things bad. ):
"I dont want to be his friend."
And then Emma said it seems like shes trying to steal him from me...
[to which my response was "even if she was, she wouldnt be able to! ;D"]
God I dont even know.
Of course.
The one thing thats making me mega happy would tear me and one of my best friends apart.
Bleh.

But you know what.
What-the FUCK-ever, man.
I dont give a shit anymore.
Im fucking HAPPY, and if anyone is going to ruin it, its going to be ME.
And its not. :D