i love you.

Listening To : Bitter For Sweet - Blaqk Audio

i love you.|

i. yeah, you. suprise.
you're the one everyone knows i love. and shit, do i love you.
i carefully wrote my modified initials on my wrist, in purple sharpie, and left it there. the only reason people didn't figure it out instantaneously was because i changed the last initial to a K.
you're the bane of my existence, and all of my friends love you and hate you, simultaneously.
i don't even know what the hell is going on, half the time. you're as unpredictable as my bedtime.
when you're mean to me, i'm completely destroyed. and when you're nice, im ecstatic. and everyone knows why. there's nothing secret about it. for you, my subtlety drops.
i just wish.. so many things.

ii. keep holding on.
you're that girl -- the girl, actually. the only one.
i've only ever been broken up with once, in my whole life, and girl, you hold that title.
our being together at all was a huge surprise; just to get there, we had to go on personal missions of self-discovery.
you always say 'i love you', because you want it to be the last thing you ever said to me : i'm happy you told me that. now, whenever you do, i smile.
i love talking to you, but it slightly kills me each time; especially when you speak of other people. i guess i'm jealous.
i cry, when i think of you. god, i love you. and you saved my life. and.. yeah. i love you, i love you, i love you.
i need to tell you more.

iii. because i own you.
but you know, that isnt even it. its a delightful bonus, your reciprocation.
there's something about you. maybe how sweet you are, maybe your innocence, your honesty.. whatever it is, i know it isnt just because i never see you, however much you'd like it to be true.
i hate that you think its pointless. it kills me to know that you think im being silly, wasting my time.
we've never kissed; i find it sweet, and slightly maddening, all at once. someday i'll fix that -- but i surely won't rush it.
i wish i could see you more -- it crushes me that it seems you don't.
still, you completely delight me. always.

iv. illusions of grandeur?
i don't even know why you have a place in my heart.
i see you once every two years, maybe. maybe. and when i do, there's nothing there. nothing meaningful, anyway.
when i think of you, i really wonder if you ever think of me. if you even give a damn. something tells me you dont.
i want to believe you do. but you're a guy, and im a plaything.
you won't even talk to me. ever. even when i try to talk to you. doesn't give me much hope.
still, im ridiculously happy to see you. happier than one would think.
not that i know what is going to happen.



Alyssa is a hooker.
She loves four people.
Oh my.
Scandal.

my siblings are on crack today.

Its an odd day.

Earlier, my sister opened the door, and looked at my with a sly smile, before saying "GoodNIGHT, SISSTERRRR!" and then shutting the door.

And now, I had this conversation with my brother.

"Hey little squee. Whats up? Why are you up?"
"My lips are dry."
"Dry? -feels- Do you want some chapstick?"
"Im gonna tell my mommy about it."
"Why?"
"Cause."
"Well, you don't need to wake her up. I can help you."
"I just want to tell her."
"Hun, shes gonna tell you the same thing I did. Why don't we just spare her having to wake up, and Ill give you some chapstick."
"..."
"Your lips won't be dry!"
"-starts to walk back towards his room-"
"Are you sure you dont want any?'
"I want a drink, too."
"Well, alright. Can I get you some water?"
"I need to ask my mommy about it."
"You need to ask mommy about getting a drink of water?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"I.. Need.. Ask.. Drinking... Bed..."
"Well.. Alright. You do that."
"-starts to walk back down the hall-"
"Night little squee."

I have NO idea what just happened.

On an unrelated note;
My dad got home yesterday.
I survived finals week, and did AMAZINGLY on my Algebra 2 final. ;D
I just spent nearly my entire day reading Not Always Right.
Im addicted to Crimewave, by Crystal Castles.
Im addicted to chocolate milk and cornbread. Together. Amazingggg. <3
I found what would make me read Twilight. If it was like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXsKWi9FIjY
I am going to write a story following the premise of that video.
Im going to bed, now.

a potential threat.

Listening To : Lay All Your Love On Me -- ABBA
Activity[s] : Studying for that stupid history final.
Eating : NOTHING GOD DAMNIT. SO HUNGRY.

Gaaaaah this is the day [soon to be week] from HELL.

1 - I have finals.
God.
History and Algebra 2 are tomorrow.
Im not worried about math at all, cause I wrote out ALL the notes [we get a full page!], and finished it, and theyre incredibly thorough, so thats GOOD.
But history.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck.

There are SO MANY QUESTIONS I have to know.
And I dont even know which ones Im going to have to do, because he didnt tell us.
And then there's that Japan question, which I haven't started. Blah.

2 - Im sick.
I have the cold from hell.
Enough said.

3 - My daddy isnt in town.
Him and my stepmom had this huge fight the other night [not last, but the one before], and he LEFT, at 2 am, for the Bay Area.
Yeah, really.
It was so fucking RANDOM.
Ill explain more eventually, but ugh. I dont even know.
SO Im all alone.
Meh.

Im gonna go find some food before I die.
But dude.

My life.
SUCKS.

storybook.

Listening To : Jizz In My Pants -- The Lonely Island

x

you say you love me -- i guess you do.
yet, you explain to me what you hate, if only to make me cry.
(as if i could change any of it.)

"i hate how im finding out we dont have as much as common as i thought."
i silently wonder what we're suppsoed to have.
we have different lives, we think differently.
sure, i guess we aren't all that alike.
(i never realized that made a difference to you.)

"i hate how you were so quick to deny that we were dating."
i merely said what i thought you'd say.
whenever we fightt, you say its hopeless.
i only want to cause as little conflict as possible.
(it never works; im never right)

"i hate how i can never find anything in my life."
"literally or figuratively?" i ask.
"both."
i'll always be right here, where you can find me.
(i guess you take that for granted.)

"i hate how you always run away."
that always makes me cringe, especially now.
now, when im trying not to, when im putting myself through torture.
all you do is act like me, i guess to teach me something.
(it doesn't matter to you that im trying.)

of course, i never tell you what i hate.
(im not the manipulative one.)

x

Written today in Creative Writing, cause I was bored.
Oh yeah.

suddenly it changes! violently!

http://www.quizilla.com/stories/8390452/my-life-in-a-all-boys-vampire-boarding-schoolchapter-1

x

Kacy:
woah did I just hear my parents say ‘’live’’ with my aunt?! What are they thinking!? I have no right to live with her. ‘’what!?’’

x

Kacy:
woah is this what Arizona really looks like?

x

Kacy:
First day of school:
*beeep* ‘’ughh!’’

x

Kacy:
It was 2 times bigger than the normal boarding schools. I got out of the car and took my backpack with me. O-M-G it was all surrounded with boys! I must be dreaming! Wait noo I’m not! I walk down the hallways while boys staring at me. Stalkers much?

x

Kacy:
I laughed while Alex and Darren faced each other and cussing at each other, this must be the funniest moment.

x

Alex:
When class was over we headed into the cafeteria as usual and sat next to Darren, Michael, and Zack, and Cody, the perverted kid.

x

Kacy:
I knew this was the end of my journey where I’ll die.

x

Kacy:
He was looking at my chest so I decided to cover it up with my chess.

x

Alex:
‘’Alex!’’ Darren yelled.
‘’Eddie! He’s on a deadly rampage!’’ he said
‘’Kacy’s sleeping’’ I whispered
‘’sorry, but come out here we need to talk to you.’’ he said
I walked outside and left the door opened.
‘’Alex, he’s looking for Kacy, We red the news paper after you both left, and here. Handing me the news paper that said ‘’DEADLY RAMPAGE’’

Kacy:
‘’DEADLY RAMPAGE’’ woah…

x

Kacy:
‘’yeah’’ he said while touching his food.

x

Alex:
Oh yeah! Who’s the guy that asked his love out!?! Me!
I woke up the next morning to see Darren on my bed. I jumped and Darren fell off my bed.

x

Alex:
We both walked to our first class which was English. I was a vampire so I knew what we had today.

x

Kacy:
‘’yo yo yo.’’ perverted Cody running up!
‘’dude, stop trying to act all gangstaish’’ Darren saying

x

Alex:
We heard the door opened when we turned to see Kacy in her Pink cocktail dress. O-M-G

x

Alex:
We both started to dance to the song of Fall out Boys...

x

Kacy:
The food was so good, when we finished we both walked back to the car. It was about 9:23pm.

x

Alex:
‘’you were talking in your sleep, you were talking about how much you loved carrots, and me’’ she said laughing

x

Alex:
‘’o-m-g! I missed you KACY!’’ Zack said while holding her

x

Kacy:
I laughed, was I risking my life.

2009. [modified]

Listening To : Tears And Rain -- James Blunt
Activity[s] : World History..

edit : I added to it, because Im not in a bitchy mood anymore, and my night was pwn.

If you were to ask me how 2009 was so far, I honestly couldn't tell you.
Good, I suppose.
Im happy enough.
I had a fun enough night.
But I cannot say I feel euphoric about it.
Im rather indifferent, to be honest.

I wrote some resolutions in chat yesterday.

Alyssa's New Years Resolutions

#1 - Get a cute boyfriend.
#2 - Finish sophomore year.
#3 - Don't go back to living with my mum.
#4 - Write something epic.
#5 - Figure out Cliff.
#6 - Change the less-than-desirable bits of my outlook on life.

Hot, I guess.

Last night I went to Leah's house.
That was magical.
It was Leah, Michelle, Libby, me!, and Leah's cousin DJ.
Fun. Stuff.
We did stupid things. :D

Like. The first thing anyone decided they wanted to do was put makeup on DJ.
For whatever reason, we had brought it up before he showed up, and then.. Yeah.
"CAN WE PUT MAKEUP ON YOU?!"
"..."
"PLEASE."
"As long as its nothing permanent..."

I still dont know he meant by permanent makeup.
Like, they tattoo shit onto your skin, thats permanent makeup.
Funn.

Anyway.
We [I] mainly did his eyes, and Libby put on lipgloss.
Which he proceeded to eat, because it tasted good

The Product?

I know, sexy, huh?
Seriously.
Look at those glossy lips.
And that shiny hair.
And that goregous eyeshadow.
Psh-aaw.

However.
He put up with a lot. o.o
I even got eyeliner on the inside rim of the bottom... Whatever that is.
And that feels weird to even me, and he tried really hard not to close his eyes.
So.
-claps for DJ-

THEN.
We randomly went downtown.
Randomly.
To do nothing, really.

We ended up going to Starbucks, and then walking down to Coldstone to stalk who was working there.
And proceeded to ALL share a little mini sample spoon of icecream.
Not really sure how we did that.
But whatever.

And so we went back to Leah's.
EPIC, RITE.

Leah was kind of sad, so Libby and I were like "LOLHOTTUB?"
And she's like "LOLYES."
:D
So we all went in the hottub [YOU DIDNT SEE THAT COMING, DID YA.]
That was exciting.

DJ was a total pimp, being in the hottub with 4 girls in bikinis.
You know how guys are.
Pfft.
He splashed us, too.
So we all got our hair wet. D:
Boys suck. >.>
[but hes cute, so you know, whatever.]

Anyway.
When 12 rolled around, we all got sparkling cider, and toasted to "hot, sexy people".
No joke.
And we all kissed eachother. ON THE CHEEK, GOD.
And yes, I mean face. [I wish I had cheeks of steel!" "I HOPE YOU MEAN YOUR FACE!" "I DO~!"]
Even DJ. Who gives really nice kisses [on the cheek.]. Seriously.

THEN. Libby and Michelle and I took a shower.
That was exciting.
"AH YOU GOT SOAP ON MY BOOB."
"HOLY CRAP LIBBY IS NAKED AHAHAHA."
"YOU SLUT, WASH YOUR BUTT."

[i feel like Im saying "and then" a lot. or just "then" in general. so.]

FOLLOWING THAT.
We watched Ratatouille [after DJ left. how sad.].
Which was hilarious, in an odd sort of way.
I was laughing hysterically at random points of it. xD

Things to add in :

- Talking to Michelle
- Breakfast
- Stupid pictures

[arg need to go to bed. will finish. sometime. ;D]

the wonderful world of disney.

Listening To :
Activity[s] : Msn-ing, feeling like Im about to die, etc.

Soooo I went to DISNEYLAND yesterday!

It was majorly fun. Majorly.

We [Michelle and I];
- Saw DARTH VADER!
- Toured the Christmas-ified Haunted Mansion in turning chairs. ;D
- Got bitched at by Snow White. Ho.
- Went on a fantastic Star Tour.
- Met Mike/Addison on a Jungle Cruise.
- Ate the greatest pizza ever. <3
- Fell in love with Addison over /another/ Jungle Cruise with him.
- Did plenty of wandering..
- Went to the TIKI TIKI TIKI TIKI TIKI ROOM and got a pineapple whip [hwip] !!
- Got front seat on Indiana Jones! ;D
- Wanderwanderwander.
- Got snowed on by the Small World light show.. thing.
- Never actually went on Small World, because its scary, and the line was huge.
- Rode the CAROUSEL.
- Met Hot Asian Guy
- Christened Alyssa as an asiaphile.
- Met up with my dad [finally!] and got more money for food [finally, again!].
- Went to the French Market.
- Ran into Hot Asian Guy again ; decided to feed him to Addison's large Bengal tiger.
- Laughed at the people who doomed themselves to 20 minutes of lost time by standing in the beverage line.
- Made mashed potatoes.. Out of butter.
- Ate an amazing apple crisp, cemented to its plate by caramel.
- Were PIRATES, Arrr! [relaxing ride, that was.]
- Rode the epicness that was Big Thunder.
- TWICE.
- Went on the Jungle Cruise ONE MORE TIME -- Missed Addison. ):
- Stalked Addison anyway.
- Waited in the longest line EVER to get out.
- End.

Addison.
Lol.
DORKY PUN GUY.

"Its a bad place to be headed."
"You re in denial."
"That'd be hard to eat. Dark meat, light meat, dark meat, light meat, dark meat, light meat."
"You'll see.. ABSOLUTELY NOTHINGGG."
"That sinks. I mean stinks."
"Either way, you'll come out ahead."
"Plasticus Mechanicus."

Michelle is going to marry him.
Me?
I get to marry Hot Asian Dude.

Lolol.
He asked us what ride something was, and got it wrong, and I was like "Haha nice."
But then when we ran into him in the French Market, I was like "OMG MEANT TO BE."
So we planned to feed his girlfriend to the 500 pound Bengal tiger on Addison's cruise.
:D

Dude I had the weirdest day, when it game to guys.

First, in the Haunted Mansion line, this dude in the group behind us kept standing as close as he could to me without looking creepy.
It was actually really endearing.
He wasn't that /cute/, but he was adorable in a dorky kind of way.
I don't know what he thought of our conversations.. They were special. xD

Then this SUPER HOT GUY was looking at me in the Star Tours line.
He had a huge head, eyes on both sides of it, a sexy nose..
Hahaha.
He was the hottest animatronic alien you'll ever meet.

THEN. This creepy old man was staring at me at the carousel.
That was nasty.

Of course all day, every once in a while Id look at Michelle and go "EEE CUTE BOY." after we'd passed someone cute. xD
Because I like cute boys.
It also kinda made me sad, though.
Because like.
I keep seeing people together.
And desperately wanting to date someone.
Im tired of being single, now.
And its really depressing. ):

Anyway.

Uhmm.
What else.
I dunno.
Lol.

3 am.

Listening To : Dead Is The New Alive -- Emilie Autumn
Activity[s] : Avoiding sleep..
Eating : Tortilla chips.

I was such a fucking SPAZZ today.
SUCH a spazz.
I seriously wonder why the fuck anyone ever puts up with me, because really? Id throw me off a tall building.

It might be because I haven't properly eaten in two days, I'm not really sure.
Low blood sugar?
I'm actually seriously thinking that's what it is. Makes sense.

But everything was freaking me out today.
Everything.

At first it was the fact all my cousins wanted to do was drink.
Seriously.
At like, 11 am, theyre like "I really feel like getting hammered."
And then I kept hearing things about how they were going to sneak shit from my dad's bar.
If you havent seen my dads bar, then there is no way you could ever imagine it.
It is EPIC. Truly.

And I dont know if you know this, but I am not a drinker.
At all.
Im sure you've like, seen or heard of times when I have drank..?
I get sick before I get drunk.
The only time I ever got drunk was after drinking like, 5 shots of this [kickass!] whiskey, and all that happened was I couldn't walk quite right for 20 minutes.
Of course, when I got home after the Christmas parade [good time to get drunk, good lord. x.x], I felt like shit and puked. Yay!
But yeah.
I DONT DRINK.
Its fucking illegal, anyway.
And while I do a hell of a lot of illegal things, I dont do anything thats going to fuck up my body / thought processes / etc in ANY way.

You might not know this about me. You should, but you might not.
My cousin didn't, but only cause I never talk to him.
I. Hate. When people don't act like themselves.
It scares the fucking shit out of me.
Thats why I dont live with my mum.
So when I am the one acting fucking stupid [or just unable to walk...], then.. no. Its not okay.
Plus I hate puking.

Anyway.
Its disrespectful, anyway.
Its our house, our rules...
Bugs me.

BUT THEN WHAT MAKES IT WORSE.
Okay so.
Everyone kept going back on what they were saying about it.
My dad randomly decided he didn't care, and Eileen and Leah.
Gaaaah.
I had gone out to chill, cause I was like, near tears for some 2 hours straight.
And so I had told them why I was flipping out.

So I went away and came back however much later.
And fucking Alyssa was drinking a pina colada, and Leah was offering to make Jordan a drink, because he'd gone in to get one and failed.
And Eileen went so far as to ask /me/ if I wanted anything.
To which I was like "FUCK NO I DONT."

...

I cannot believe Derek fucking put up with me all. night.
I was being a bitch to him half the time, in tears, totally unstable.
I dont fucking know.
And like. He's dealing with all his own shit, which is like, 27348274 times worse than mine.
And its just like.
Gaaaaaaaaaah.

Being me is so hard sometimes.
I never actually know what to do.

i. dont. care what you think.

Listening To : The Winter Overture [Requiem for a Dream] -- Clint Mansell
Activity[s] : Being antisocial? ;D

My family.
Is so cool. xD

My stepmum is having her family Christmas thing this weekend -- they do it every year, but there are so many siblings that it's only at any given house once in 7 years.
And its, quite obviously, our turn.
Meaning? There's 27 people staying here. Yeah. TWENTY SEVEN. All staying in some random place throughout the house.

I dont even have my own room -- My Uncle Clay and Aunt Donna are sleeping in there.
Im sleeping in the living room, on the poofiest, lovliest couch ever. My cousin Derek [WHO IS MADE OF WIN] is sleeping in my dad's leather armchair [god knows how], and my cousin Jordan and his girlfriend Ashley are sleeping in the middle.
Its.. Interesting. xD

BUT YES.
My cousin!
He's so awesome. Seriously.
He's, hands down, my favourite cousin ever. ♥
Don't ask me why. He's just like, the most normal person [... xD] in my family.

[my stepmum keeps calling my dad and freaking out, and its stressing /me/ out. she was sitting outside, secretly, to see if my dad was doing his job. controlling much?]

Continuing.
Derek and I stayed up until 5 last night.
Doing absolutely NOTHING.

We all watched Bourne Identity, and then all the adults went to bed.
So then we [me, Derek, Jordan, and Ashley] watched Bad Santa, but Jordan and Ashley fell asleep halfway through.
So Derek and I finished it, and then sat there, not really even talking, just sorta sitting there, glancing at eachother every once in a while.
Finally, I decided I was starving, so we went and made quesadillas.
And then..
We sat in absolute silence for about an hour.
That was hot.
And then finally, he migrated over to the couch I have, because I was all morose and sad looking.
And THEN we went to sleep.
Epic evening. Epic.

The movies were good, though. xD
Bourne Identity made my brain hurt, and Bad Santa was... Bad.

There's this thing.
Its like, a tradition.
That there's this angel that belonged to their mother.
And Korri, who's house the thing was at last year, was supposed to bring it.
And didn't.

So I had to spend 4 hours last night making an angel out of tissue paper left over from all the Christmas presents we had.
I made them save me the wrapping paper, because I want to use it to make shit with /anyway/. So that was handy.
Its actually pretty chill. Its silver and white, with gold ribbon as hair.
I know you're jealous.
Dude.
I had no idea what the fuck I was foing, and its somewhat apparent.

Anywho.
Im outtttt. ;D

I miss you people, though. ):

Christmas!

Listening To : I Don't Want To Be In Love -- Good Charlotte [for old times sake.]
Activity[s] : Playing online. ;D

First off.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I hope you have all had a day that is FULL of win.
Mine sure was.

To start out my Christmas post.
I was reading the version of The Night Before Christmas that I got for the kids last year.
Its full of extra things -- recipes, crafts, stories, history...
And this is the story of Christmas Stockings.

The tradition was first introduced by Dutch settlers.
The Dutch believed in Sinter Klaas, who rode around on Christmas Eve on a white horse, leaving little gifts in the wooden shoes of any children who left hay for the donkey Mary rode [i think.]
So the English adapted it, of course.

Cool, no?

Anyway.
Time for PRESENTS.

I have recieved :

- A stocking :D
x. Candy
x. Saline solution [rofl.]
x. Sticky notes
x. Candles!
x. Lipgloss
x. Other stuff...
- $25 Sephora gift card [Kerri]
- $75 Amazon gift certificate [Dad]
- $25 [Grandma Pat]
- A sparkly pink bead [Leia]
- 84 gel pens [Dad]
- Burts Bees stuff [Grandma Pat]
- A Zune! [everyone.]
- An air plant [Grandma Judy]
- A worry stone [Grandma Judy]
- A spa kit.. thing [Grandma Judy!]
- Penguin earrings [even though I dont have pierced ears] [Aunt Sara]
- Penguin gummies [Aunt Sara]

I gave :

Dad : 4 CD's [that he picked out himself. xD]
Kerri : I dont really know, actually. o.o
Colin : A cookbook! :D
Leia : The Tale of Peter Rabbit, a snap-bead kit, and a pink friendship bracelet.
Everyone : Old fashioned toffee, with a hammer to break it and everything.
Grandma : Petite Fours and Raspberry Flower Honey.
Mom : Chocolate covered cherries. Really, really high quality ones.
Perry : A Star Trek playstation game! CAUSE I ROCK.
Libby : Cosmic Brownies [lol shut up, they have coloured candy on top.]
Wishiah : High-class sticky notes! :D
Emma : A $15 iTunes card. xD

Giving things is seriously my favourite part.
I even wrote out cards. :D

A really, really nice one for my Dad and Kerri, one for my grandma [it was FOR a grandma! xD], one for my mom and Perry, and one for my Grandma Judy and Happy Steve [her husband. <3]. style="font-weight: bold;">