... I cannot help but wonder...
Why life works the way it does.
Why, when you try to get over someone, you only like them more.
When you find someone you really like, something holds you back.
When you think you know whats happening, something changes.
Why when you think you're happy, you suddenly realize..
You arent.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
Coldness, Indeed. :/
It was cold.
So cold.
Ugh.
I froze, I knew I would.
It was fun though..
Definetely fun.
:]
We walked from school to the beach [thats like, 3 miles...]
And then yeah..
The water was fucking cold.
Like running into ice.
Brr, much.
So then, after like, 3 minutes, we went and just sort of sat there, rofl.
By the way.
Putting pants on while a bit damp = impossible.
So then we walked back to Camino, and some cute guy in Starbucks gave me a dollar off my coffee...
Hahaha. Alex totally glared at me when I told him that.
So the football game.
I saw all these people I know... [rofl, it was hilarious. Kyle goes by, and hes like "Holy shit! Are you guys going out?!" And we were like "Uhh.. What do /you/ think?"], and there was rain running down my arms and my back, and my hair was wet, and the boyfriend was warm, the whole atmosphere was awesome..
And then, last night, Alex was talking about having Coach P as a Health teacher, and he accidentally said "Having sex with Coach P was funny."
So yeah. I got to use that a lot tonight...
"Well, at least its better then HAVING SEX WITH COACH P!" XDDD
So anyway. We won the game, for the record.
So today was good. :]
I tried not to think about anything else..
Failed.
But tried my best...
I only want to be happy.
So cold.
Ugh.
I froze, I knew I would.
It was fun though..
Definetely fun.
:]
We walked from school to the beach [thats like, 3 miles...]
And then yeah..
The water was fucking cold.
Like running into ice.
Brr, much.
So then, after like, 3 minutes, we went and just sort of sat there, rofl.
By the way.
Putting pants on while a bit damp = impossible.
So then we walked back to Camino, and some cute guy in Starbucks gave me a dollar off my coffee...
Hahaha. Alex totally glared at me when I told him that.
So the football game.
I saw all these people I know... [rofl, it was hilarious. Kyle goes by, and hes like "Holy shit! Are you guys going out?!" And we were like "Uhh.. What do /you/ think?"], and there was rain running down my arms and my back, and my hair was wet, and the boyfriend was warm, the whole atmosphere was awesome..
And then, last night, Alex was talking about having Coach P as a Health teacher, and he accidentally said "Having sex with Coach P was funny."
So yeah. I got to use that a lot tonight...
"Well, at least its better then HAVING SEX WITH COACH P!" XDDD
So anyway. We won the game, for the record.
So today was good. :]
I tried not to think about anything else..
Failed.
But tried my best...
I only want to be happy.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Coldness.
The boyfriend is forcing me to go to the beach before the football game tomorrow.
And go in the water.
Im going to freeze.
My.
Ass.
Off.
He totally owes me, the ho.
Anyone who knows me knows I hate being cold.
But nooooo.
I have to go anyway.
Ugh.
And go in the water.
Im going to freeze.
My.
Ass.
Off.
He totally owes me, the ho.
Anyone who knows me knows I hate being cold.
But nooooo.
I have to go anyway.
Ugh.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Yes. Thoughts.
I cannot help but wonder.
Where people would be if everyone was perfect.
If everyone could say whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted.
If everyone could express everything they wanted.
If life was perfect, in that sense.
Life is an endless battle.
And it won't end.
Until the day I die.
And even then, it will continue.
Ill still make people cry.
Ill still underestimate the power of the things I do.
Cause no one will ever tell me.
But I wont mean to.
Ill be innocent.
Im not mean.
Im not vindictive.
Im a loving, caring, worrying person.
Everything I do, is me just trying to survive.
Trying to make sense.
Trying to be what I think people want me to be
And even then.
I fail.
Miserably.
Apparently, there is nothing to fail at.
But if there is nothing, then I fail even more.
It makes perfect sense.
However, the logic is lost.
I can make no sense of anything I think or say.
Contrary to popular belief.
I cannot even understand myself.
And damn, I try.
In every period.
Every moment.
Of every day.
I wonder.
I think.
I hope.
That someday, things will work out.
Even though they never will.
Cause not talking is the only way out.
A lie.
A terrible, terrible lie.
That could never be true.
Love.
Wanting someone to be happy.
No matter what it does to me.
Not a care in the world.
I think.
I even fail at that.
I refuse to see past myself.
Past this fog.
That I left myself in.
And no matter how much it is shaken.
I cannot get out.
Sometimes I wish.
That I didnt exist.
I have to go to school tomorrow.
And pretend to be happy.
Kiss a boy I dont love.
And try to forget.
And I wont.
Ill try.
But I wont try hard enough.
Cause I wont want to.
Where people would be if everyone was perfect.
If everyone could say whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted.
If everyone could express everything they wanted.
If life was perfect, in that sense.
Life is an endless battle.
And it won't end.
Until the day I die.
And even then, it will continue.
Ill still make people cry.
Ill still underestimate the power of the things I do.
Cause no one will ever tell me.
But I wont mean to.
Ill be innocent.
Im not mean.
Im not vindictive.
Im a loving, caring, worrying person.
Everything I do, is me just trying to survive.
Trying to make sense.
Trying to be what I think people want me to be
And even then.
I fail.
Miserably.
Apparently, there is nothing to fail at.
But if there is nothing, then I fail even more.
It makes perfect sense.
However, the logic is lost.
I can make no sense of anything I think or say.
Contrary to popular belief.
I cannot even understand myself.
And damn, I try.
In every period.
Every moment.
Of every day.
I wonder.
I think.
I hope.
That someday, things will work out.
Even though they never will.
Cause not talking is the only way out.
A lie.
A terrible, terrible lie.
That could never be true.
Love.
Wanting someone to be happy.
No matter what it does to me.
Not a care in the world.
I think.
I even fail at that.
I refuse to see past myself.
Past this fog.
That I left myself in.
And no matter how much it is shaken.
I cannot get out.
Sometimes I wish.
That I didnt exist.
I have to go to school tomorrow.
And pretend to be happy.
Kiss a boy I dont love.
And try to forget.
And I wont.
Ill try.
But I wont try hard enough.
Cause I wont want to.
Alyssa's Journal : Written out.
So, while I listen to upbeat musics.
I shall copy down what I wrote in my journal earlier.
Its really just a whole page of drawings and words, with some structure.
So Ill put down what'll make sense.
A bit. :p
So it ends.
A charade.
A fantasy.
A nightmare.
Never to be forgotten.
Never wanting to remember.
A broken shard
Of a crystal shape
Rests upon cool tile.
The coldness creeping into the sparkling glass
Forgotten.
Abandoned.
Replaced.
A delicate balance,
A gentle happiness.
Destroyed.
Lost.
Done.
What could have been,
but never grew.
What could have soared,
but never flew.
Once cannot help but wonder.
What would have
Could have been.
If fate only cared,
If time only waited.
A Fleeting Moment In Time
can mean nothing.
Love.
An illusion.
A lie.
A false hope.
A dream.
That no one shall ever achieve,
but everyone will yearn for.
Illusion.
Lies.
Love.
Just a haunting memory.
I shall copy down what I wrote in my journal earlier.
Its really just a whole page of drawings and words, with some structure.
So Ill put down what'll make sense.
A bit. :p
So it ends.
A charade.
A fantasy.
A nightmare.
Never to be forgotten.
Never wanting to remember.
A broken shard
Of a crystal shape
Rests upon cool tile.
The coldness creeping into the sparkling glass
Forgotten.
Abandoned.
Replaced.
A delicate balance,
A gentle happiness.
Destroyed.
Lost.
Done.
What could have been,
but never grew.
What could have soared,
but never flew.
Once cannot help but wonder.
What would have
Could have been.
If fate only cared,
If time only waited.
A Fleeting Moment In Time
can mean nothing.
Love.
An illusion.
A lie.
A false hope.
A dream.
That no one shall ever achieve,
but everyone will yearn for.
Illusion.
Lies.
Love.
Just a haunting memory.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Purty Houshes.
Ill write it in yellow. :]
Okie dokie.
So Cliff and I have this house, in the world of the imaginary house farm.
Its cool.
You know.
Okay.
So.
Its yellow. 2 stories. With a tower!
And, the tower's Cliff's, but whatever. Its still there.
I sleep on the window seat, so I figure its important, right?
But Im better, cause I get the master bedroom downstairs..
Its pretty..
A dusky green and a medium brown..
With pretty gold accents, and delicate leafy things.
And a stone fireplace..
All dramatic and big and cold looking.. Something I can put pictures on the mantle.
With a big, plush, cream rug. :]
And those decorative twig things you can get at Z-Gallerie.
But anyway...
The dining room is all darkwood.. The walls, the floors.. Everything.
With dark red, and peach accents.
But not too peachy.
Not like, pizza-vomit.
:D
We have a big, lush garden, with all sorts of pretty green plants, and little pebble paths, with a stone bench here and there, in the shade.
And a cobblestone driveway. And a path.
And the whole house is yellow.
With a brick first floor.
Which I think sounds really pretty. :]
Oh oh oh. And we'll have a sunroom..
With plants.
And a white iron table, so we can eat dinner out there either in summer or when it's raining...
And yeah.
Amazing, eh? ^-^
Okie dokie.
So Cliff and I have this house, in the world of the imaginary house farm.
Its cool.
You know.
Okay.
So.
Its yellow. 2 stories. With a tower!
And, the tower's Cliff's, but whatever. Its still there.
I sleep on the window seat, so I figure its important, right?
But Im better, cause I get the master bedroom downstairs..
Its pretty..
A dusky green and a medium brown..
With pretty gold accents, and delicate leafy things.
And a stone fireplace..
All dramatic and big and cold looking.. Something I can put pictures on the mantle.
With a big, plush, cream rug. :]
And those decorative twig things you can get at Z-Gallerie.
But anyway...
The dining room is all darkwood.. The walls, the floors.. Everything.
With dark red, and peach accents.
But not too peachy.
Not like, pizza-vomit.
:D
We have a big, lush garden, with all sorts of pretty green plants, and little pebble paths, with a stone bench here and there, in the shade.
And a cobblestone driveway. And a path.
And the whole house is yellow.
With a brick first floor.
Which I think sounds really pretty. :]
Oh oh oh. And we'll have a sunroom..
With plants.
And a white iron table, so we can eat dinner out there either in summer or when it's raining...
And yeah.
Amazing, eh? ^-^
Friday, October 05, 2007
Silence.
Look, Greenie can write too.
After everything.
The insults, the lies, the silent, secret betrayal...
Lost in the comfort of soft, white fluff..
The wind howling outside the window
Sounding like voices of the dead, shrieking
Crying
Calling, for something
The book, thin pages between shaking fingers
The words gone unread
Blurred
By tears and disinterest
The cold somehow seeping in through the closed glass, the sealed door, the dormant fan..
All in silence but the howling, the rustle of the pages, and the far off bass of a song.
Slow, bored, confused thoughts.
Random people,
places,
moments,
memories...
Nothing else to think of.
But happiness.
Delusion.
Joy.
Hot tears making silent paths down flushed, fevered skin.
A path.
A mark.
Look, weve been here.
Weve claimed this as our own.
Its ours.
After everything.
The insults, the lies, the silent, secret betrayal...
Lost in the comfort of soft, white fluff..
The wind howling outside the window
Sounding like voices of the dead, shrieking
Crying
Calling, for something
The book, thin pages between shaking fingers
The words gone unread
Blurred
By tears and disinterest
The cold somehow seeping in through the closed glass, the sealed door, the dormant fan..
All in silence but the howling, the rustle of the pages, and the far off bass of a song.
Slow, bored, confused thoughts.
Random people,
places,
moments,
memories...
Nothing else to think of.
But happiness.
Delusion.
Joy.
Hot tears making silent paths down flushed, fevered skin.
A path.
A mark.
Look, weve been here.
Weve claimed this as our own.
Its ours.
[de]Motivational
I got bored, so I decided Id look around on the internet for amusing things. :]
So, here we go.
http://despair.com/viewall.html
Some of my favorites :
Wishes : When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
Stupidity : Quitters never win, and winners never quit. But those who never quit AND never win are idiots.
Quality : The race for quality has no finish line, so technically its more like a death march.
Overconfidence : Before you try to beat the odds, be sure you could survive the odds beating you.
Power : Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. But it rocks absolutely, too.
Change : When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can become deadly projectiles.
Doubt : In the battle between you and the world, bet on the world.
Dysfunction : The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.
Loneliness : If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone.
Madness : Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"
So, here we go.
http://despair.com/viewall.html
Some of my favorites :
Wishes : When you wish upon a falling star, your dreams can come true. Unless it's really a meteorite hurtling to the Earth which will destroy all life. Then you're pretty much hosed no matter what you wish for. Unless it's death by meteor.
Stupidity : Quitters never win, and winners never quit. But those who never quit AND never win are idiots.
Quality : The race for quality has no finish line, so technically its more like a death march.
Overconfidence : Before you try to beat the odds, be sure you could survive the odds beating you.
Power : Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. But it rocks absolutely, too.
Change : When the winds of change blow hard enough, the most trivial of things can become deadly projectiles.
Doubt : In the battle between you and the world, bet on the world.
Dysfunction : The only consistent feature in all of your dissatisfying relationships is you.
Loneliness : If you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you're not alone. And yet you are alone. So very alone.
Madness : Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"
Killer-Quiche!
ALyssa is listening to Rise Against, therefore she is FUCKING AMAZING.
I tried to get my mom to take me to school or 5th and 6th, but.. She wouldnt do it, lol.
Im supposed to be home sick, and Im bored [and hyper] as fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
FUCK.
Fun world, lulz.
Okay, soooo.
This morning.
I slept a bit..
/Someone/ texted me at 4.30.. What a moron. "Are you awake?"
"NO IM NOT AWAKE!"
But I was asleep..
So I couldnt say anything. <3
Thennnnn I woke up at about 9.30, got some water, and grabbed my book on painting clouds and Ellen's graduation present...
Read the book, went through the present... "Gotta love those shrimps!"
I was all happy, lol.
Then I read my diary, and wrote in it a bit.
Made me a bit sad..
Hmph.
Ive texted a lot...
Random things. XD
Dreams about engagement...
:]
I wanted to go to school so I could tell Mr. Long I was obtuse, but.. Meh. :/
Ellen is transferring into my History class.
Woot!
I ish teh happieeeee!
Weeeee. Music.
Weeeee. Quiches.
Weeeee. Wee!
I tried to get my mom to take me to school or 5th and 6th, but.. She wouldnt do it, lol.
Im supposed to be home sick, and Im bored [and hyper] as fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
FUCK.
Fun world, lulz.
Okay, soooo.
This morning.
I slept a bit..
/Someone/ texted me at 4.30.. What a moron. "Are you awake?"
"NO IM NOT AWAKE!"
But I was asleep..
So I couldnt say anything. <3
Thennnnn I woke up at about 9.30, got some water, and grabbed my book on painting clouds and Ellen's graduation present...
Read the book, went through the present... "Gotta love those shrimps!"
I was all happy, lol.
Then I read my diary, and wrote in it a bit.
Made me a bit sad..
Hmph.
Ive texted a lot...
Random things. XD
Dreams about engagement...
:]
I wanted to go to school so I could tell Mr. Long I was obtuse, but.. Meh. :/
Ellen is transferring into my History class.
Woot!
I ish teh happieeeee!
Weeeee. Music.
Weeeee. Quiches.
Weeeee. Wee!
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Weee.
3rd post in one night.
What a dork.
But.
This song.
Is amazing.
And I love it.
SO MUCH.
Ugh.
Its like, wow.
Amazing.
What a dork.
But.
This song.
Is amazing.
And I love it.
SO MUCH.
Ugh.
Its like, wow.
Amazing.
Swing Life Away
Rise Against
Am I loud and clear or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, are we just getting more lost?
I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words
We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand
I've been here so long; think that its time to move
The winter's so cold summer's over too soon
So let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow
I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times
I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go
We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand
swing life away
swing life away
swing life away
swing life away
Rise Against
Am I loud and clear or am I breaking up?
Am I still your charm or am I just bad luck?
Are we getting closer, are we just getting more lost?
I'll show you mine if you show me yours first
Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse
Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words
We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand
I've been here so long; think that its time to move
The winter's so cold summer's over too soon
So let's pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow
I've got some friends, some that I hardly know
But we've had some times
I wouldn't trade for the world
We chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go
We live on front porches and swing life away
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave 'til the end
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand
swing life away
swing life away
swing life away
swing life away
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