Sunday, November 21, 2010

Well now.

So that song? 
Pretty much sums up my relationship, and the reason I have to end it.

The kid has gone and changed so much in such a short amount of time, and has just suffocated me and fallen for me way to hard and far too fast I don't even know up from left from right from down anymore.
I don't need to be needed like this. It hasn't been long enough.
Preston was one thing, we dated for two years, and all was well and fine and dandy. But this.. This isn't kosher.

I shouldn't have been so impulsive.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

I am just so cool.

I've gone and switched boyfriends.
Just like that.
And it's been a month, and I'm loving it, though I must say, it is quite difficult at times.
But it is all worth it, because yes. ♥

More on that later.
Right now, SUFFER UNDER MY MUSIC TASTE.

I Love You, But I Don't Need You
By Momus, covered by Amanda Palmer


I like you, and I'd like you to like me to like you
But I don't need you
Don't need you to want me to like you
Because if you didn't like me
I would still like you, you see
La la la
La la la

I lick you, I like you to like me to lick you
But I don't need you
Don't need you to like me to lick you
If your pleasure turned into pain
I would still lick for my personal gain
La la la
La la la

I fuck you, and I love you to love me to fuck you
But I don't fucking need you
Don't need you to need me to fuck you
If you need me to need you to fuck
That fucks everything up
La la la
La la la

I want you, and I want you to want me to want you
But I don't need you
Don't need you to need me to need you
That's just me
So take me or leave me
But please don't need me
Don't need me to need you to need me
Cos we're here one minute, the next we're dead
So love me and leave me
But try not to need me
Enough said
I want you, but I don't need you

La la la
La la la

I love you, and I love how you love how I love you
But I don't need you
Don't need you to love me to love you
If your love changed into hate
Would my love have been a mistake?
La la la
La la la

So I'm gonna leave you, and I'd like you to leave me to leave you
But lover believe me, it isn't because I don't need you (you know I don't need you)
All I wanted was to be wanted
But you're drowning me deep in your need to be needed
La la la
La la la la la la la la la

I want you, and I want you to want me to want you
But I don't need you
Don't need you to need me to need you
That's just me
So take me or leave me
But please don't need me
Don't need me to need you to need me
Cos we're here one minute, the next we're dead
So love me and leave me
But try not to need me
Enough said
I want you, but I don't need you
 

Monday, August 23, 2010

Damn Europeans.

Listening To : Undisclosed Desires - Muse (kinda a weird song, to be honest.)

Two things.

Today, I called this awesome tile company at my internship. This was the conversation.


"Joe speaking."
"Hi! Could you please transfer me to whoever handles distributing product binders?"
"Well. I guess that's me, isn't it. What can I do for ya?"
"I am Alyssa, with __________, and we have an old ___________ Architectual Manual binder, and I was simply requesting an updated copy?"
"Oh! The binders! Well lets see. I don't know if I have anything new to give you. But you could take out ________, we don't work with them anymore."
"Alright..."
"They were just too unreliable! Damn Europeans, you just can't count on them, and it's not like we could just go over there and shake them around a bit!"
"Well no, they're way too far away!"
"EXACTLY. -laughs- And definitely not in the middle of a job -- I can't just announce to a client I'll be gone for a week-long European-ass-kicking trip."

"-laughs- That would seem highly unprofessional."
"Yes. Well, thank you for the call!"
"Thank you! Have a nice day."


So there ya go. That's what I spend my day doing.
That, and without fail misunderstanding "Where are you from?" questions.
When they want the city, I give them the name of the firm. When they want the firm, I give them the city (the second is more common...).
I call myself the librarian, and feel very official.


Second thing.
I'm thinking of getting a chinchilla.
Which is kind of stupid, because I am leaving for college in a year, but whatever. I could figure something out, and then maybe bring it to the East Coast at some point...?
I have no idea, really. But whatever. Chinchillas are adorable, thank you very much. ♥




Meanwhile back at the ranch...
I'm like, having all these second thoughts about going into architecture, because it's all complicated and stuff. And a lot of work. And a lot of time. BUT WHATEVER.
I'm just lazy, and don't want to apply to college. It's going to take for freaking ever, and I'm not too excited about that. Especially since I am like, 10 pieces behind on my stupid portfolio. STUPID PORTFOLIO. 
I wish I was in an art class or something, so my artistic ventures didn't depend completely upon my determination to draw a bunch of random crap for (pretty much) NO reason.


Life is good.


But really, it is. 
I'm just sick of summer.
I WANT TO BE IN SCHOOL.
Shoot me, but it's true.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Oh yum!

On my other blog (which you should check out), I practiced food blogging.
I made rice krispie treats! They're amazing, too. So tasty.



So go check it out.

CLICK HERE.

(my new blog needs people to read it. so hey, read it.)

Friday, August 13, 2010

A Little Help?

So I've got a predicament.
I kind of want to graduate my blog into something slightly more intelligent, and...
Okay that is a total lie. My blog will never be anything close to intelligent, and I suggest you realize this now (if you've been too dense to do so already) and never look back.

The real issue is I want to "open a new chapter of my life", and not have 200 blog posts about absolutely nothing of any importance anymore (then again, none of this is important, once again).
Because I don't like to be able to go back into the archives and read about all of the stupid drama I submitted myself to.

Is it possible to like, back up archives? Or hide them? OR SOMETHING?!


Also I drew a really cool drawing, but I'm not letting you see it until I get a better scan, because the current one makes a really cool drawing exceptionally crappy.
Bummer.

Monday, August 09, 2010

Hi.

edit.
SNAP AND A HALF THIS IS POST 200.
I can't decide if that is a) awesome, or b) a new level of dorkiness.
TWO HUNDREDDDDD.
/edit.


I'm really bad at blogging.

I'd like to share that with you right now.

Don't hate me!

Uhm uhm uhm things I could say.

1. I have an architecture internship on Wednesday, and I'm scared out of my mind!
I've been told that nervousness is good energy entering my body (which I need to remember!), but it's still scary.

2. My cat is licking himself next to me! It's so raunchy!

3. I'm one month away from senior year, and I'm really excited because summer is REALLY boring.

4. I went to New York City! It was amazing. And big. And hot.
But mostly amazing.

5. My very first cousin to get married got MARRIED. In NEW JERSEY. IT WAS SO AWESOME.

6. I'm sick. ):

7. I love love love to knit. Seriously!

8. I want to move out of my house, but it's really inconvenient, and so that kind of sucks.

9. I just right now remembered I'm supposed to be working on my application portfolio this summer.
I haven't like, at all. And I need to have 15 things in it or something. This really sucks. I should probably draw...

10. But I won't draw, because I'm going to get distracted by knitting!
I'm knitting a shirt!

11. It is also August, so that means I could be working on college apps. But I'm not. Again.

12. I have been really unmotivated this summer to do much of anything.

13. My boyfriend cleaned my room because it was too overwhelming. But it is amazing, and I love it. And him. Yeah. (:

...

I think I'm going to go draw. This is seriously concerning me a little bit.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Listening To : Hold On To Me -- Armin Van Buuren [daddy told me to]
Activity : Totally flipping out with joy.

I.
Just.
Learned.
The.
Most.
Exciting.
Thing.
Ever.

I got a 2010 on my SAT!

My highest score was a 710 in Reading. Out of 800.
That's the 96th percentile, if I do say so myself.

I have not been this happy in a long, long time.

I HAVE A CHANCE AT LIFE!

By the way.
I got a 630 in math and a 670 in writing... The latter is amazing, considering I didn't finish, heh. ;D
But but but.
The math really should be better, hahaha.
College Board lets me do this thing where I can see how I "stack up" compared to different colleges' admission averages, and my pathetic 630 is below the average for Cornell.... But my reading score is above! :p

SO. As much as I don't want to, I think I have to take the stupid test again.
And I still have the subject tests on June 5, including math. Eck.

Anyway. My early morning excitement is over.
Off to school.
Woot.

Monday, May 17, 2010

holy crapplesauce.

Listening To : The Royal We -- Silversun Pickups [THIS IS MY FAVOURITE SONG. OH GOD I LOVE IT.]

Good god it has been for freaking EVER since I've even THOUGHT about posting on my blog. I am a horrible, evil person, I know.
edit. I AM TWO POSTS AWAY FROM 200! That's flippin' amazing.

I have 7 followers, now.
I don't know how that happened.
Who are you guys?
This is so exciting, but my mind is blown. :D

What else is new.
I guess there are two more weeks of Junior Year left, which is terrifying and beautiful and amazing, all at once. I've waited so long for senior year, and now that its approaching so fast, I almost want it to never come.
I'm so scared for the whole college process and everything... I get to find out how I did on the SAT in three days -- I'm shaking just thinking about it. :p

I'm living a lie.
That's all I'll say about that one, but I can tell you, I'm getting pretty damn sick of it.
And that lie -- mind you, this has nothing to do with me dying inside about said lie, because its only a lie due to some pretty unreceptive friends -- is keeping me from being able to sleep, cause the proponent of this lie has sort of poofed from my comforting thoughts at night.
Man. Vague.

I'm suddenly obsessed with knitting! Like, really obsessed! It's all I do, ahahaha. Like right now. I should be writing an English essay [BONUS FACT : I HATE the substitute English teacher for Beth, who had her baby. God. Laura. She makes me want to kill things and never take English ever AGAIN!], but instead I just totally derailed for several hours looking at knitting stuff. Patterns, yarns, ANYTHING. Its so much fun! Aaaah!

This is my new, incredibly exciting, knitting project of the ages.
Its soft and lovely and lacy and I absolutely adore it.
The yarn is Handmaiden Sea Silk, which is 70% silk and 30% seacell, which is apparently made from the cellulose of seaweed. Either way, its absolutely beautiful. :D
That edge is pleated, and it was a four-needle nightmare. So fun, so fun. ♥

You know me, with my million and four crafty projects... I also have the most massive embroidery project you've ever seen. It'll take me til' I'm a grandmother, you just watch.
And I did, in fact, finish [minus a bit of the granite counter and the edging] the Tuscan window cheese wine thing.... I'll have to find a picture of it at some point. (:

Anyway.
So much weird shit has happened lately. It's like, everything I thought I ever knew got flipped upside down and all around, and I don't know who to talk to, or when to talk to them, or what to do or say or think or feel.
Its an amalgamation of insanity and stress, and I'm falling apart at the seams, while gracefully holding myself together for the first time in years. Its a whirlwind of self-adoration and adventure and towering, dizzying precipices. And I love it.


We can laugh about it now
We hope everything works out


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Listening To : Fire Burning -- Sean Kingston
Eating : Cadbury Eggs.
Activity[s] : Addressing / stamping college letters. (:

I have had this song stuck in my head ALL DAY. Its not even funny. I heard it on the radio on the way to school, followed by Lady Gaga's Telephone, so I thought I'd have THAT stuck in my head. But oh no.
"FIYAH BURNIN' FIYAH BURNIN' ON THE DANCE FLOOR."

Also.
Wordle made me this. Its pretty cool.


Words I use in my blog.

Anyway. Im off to send letters to colleges or some such.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

inspiration alla JK Rowling.

The following is JK Rowling's commencement speech for Harvard in 2008. It is absolutely beautiful, and I hope you will read it, and find it as nice as I did.
If you're lazy and don't wish to read it, here's the link : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkREt4ZB-ck

xx

President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, proud parents, and, above all, graduates.

The first thing I would like to say is ‘thank you.’ Not only has Harvard given me an extraordinary honour, but the weeks of fear and nausea I have endured at the thought of giving this commencement address have made me lose weight. A win-win situation! Now all I have to do is take deep breaths, squint at the red banners and convince myself that I am at the world’s largest Gryffindor reunion.

Delivering a commencement address is a great responsibility; or so I thought until I cast my mind back to my own graduation. The commencement speaker that day was the distinguished British philosopher Baroness Mary Warnock. Reflecting on her speech has helped me enormously in writing this one, because it turns out that I can’t remember a single word she said. This liberating discovery enables me to proceed without any fear that I might inadvertently influence you to abandon promising careers in business, the law or politics for the giddy delights of becoming a gay wizard.

You see? If all you remember in years to come is the ‘gay wizard’ joke, I’ve come out ahead of Baroness Mary Warnock. Achievable goals: the first step to self improvement.

Actually, I have wracked my mind and heart for what I ought to say to you today. I have asked myself what I wish I had known at my own graduation, and what important lessons I have learned in the 21 years that have expired between that day and this.

I have come up with two answers. On this wonderful day when we are gathered together to celebrate your academic success, I have decided to talk to you about the benefits of failure. And as you stand on the threshold of what is sometimes called ‘real life’, I want to extol the crucial importance of imagination.

These may seem quixotic or paradoxical choices, but please bear with me.

Looking back at the 21-year-old that I was at graduation, is a slightly uncomfortable experience for the 42-year-old that she has become. Half my lifetime ago, I was striking an uneasy balance between the ambition I had for myself, and what those closest to me expected of me.

I was convinced that the only thing I wanted to do, ever, was to write novels. However, my parents, both of whom came from impoverished backgrounds and neither of whom had been to college, took the view that my overactive imagination was an amusing personal quirk that would never pay a mortgage, or secure a pension. I know that the irony strikes with the force of a cartoon anvil, now.

So they hoped that I would take a vocational degree; I wanted to study English Literature. A compromise was reached that in retrospect satisfied nobody, and I went up to study Modern Languages. Hardly had my parents’ car rounded the corner at the end of the road than I ditched German and scuttled off down the Classics corridor.

I cannot remember telling my parents that I was studying Classics; they might well have found out for the first time on graduation day. Of all the subjects on this planet, I think they would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology when it came to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I would like to make it clear, in parenthesis, that I do not blame my parents for their point of view. There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you. What is more, I cannot criticise my parents for hoping that I would never experience poverty. They had been poor themselves, and I have since been poor, and I quite agree with them that it is not an ennobling experience. Poverty entails fear, and stress, and sometimes depression; it means a thousand petty humiliations and hardships. Climbing out of poverty by your own efforts, that is indeed something on which to pride yourself, but poverty itself is romanticised only by fools.

What I feared most for myself at your age was not poverty, but failure.

At your age, in spite of a distinct lack of motivation at university, where I had spent far too long in the coffee bar writing stories, and far too little time at lectures, I had a knack for passing examinations, and that, for years, had been the measure of success in my life and that of my peers.

I am not dull enough to suppose that because you are young, gifted and well-educated, you have never known hardship or heartbreak. Talent and intelligence never yet inoculated anyone against the caprice of the Fates, and I do not for a moment suppose that everyone here has enjoyed an existence of unruffled privilege and contentment.

However, the fact that you are graduating from Harvard suggests that you are not very well-acquainted with failure. You might be driven by a fear of failure quite as much as a desire for success. Indeed, your conception of failure might not be too far from the average person’s idea of success, so high have you already flown.

Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. So I think it fair to say that by any conventional measure, a mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale. An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless. The fears that my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.

Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun. That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea that there was going to be what the press has since represented as a kind of fairy tale resolution. I had no idea then how far the tunnel extended, and for a long time, any light at the end of it was a hope rather than a reality.

So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.

Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above the price of rubies.

The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I ever earned.

So given a Time Turner, I would tell my 21-year-old self that personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a check-list of acquisition or achievement. Your qualifications, your CV, are not your life, though you will meet many people of my age and older who confuse the two. Life is difficult, and complicated, and beyond anyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes.

Now you might think that I chose my second theme, the importance of imagination, because of the part it played in rebuilding my life, but that is not wholly so. Though I personally will defend the value of bedtime stories to my last gasp, I have learned to value imagination in a much broader sense. Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation. In its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity, it is the power that enables us to empathise with humans whose experiences we have never shared.

One of the greatest formative experiences of my life preceded Harry Potter, though it informed much of what I subsequently wrote in those books. This revelation came in the form of one of my earliest day jobs. Though I was sloping off to write stories during my lunch hours, I paid the rent in my early 20s by working at the African research department at Amnesty International’s headquarters in London.

There in my little office I read hastily scribbled letters smuggled out of totalitarian regimes by men and women who were risking imprisonment to inform the outside world of what was happening to them. I saw photographs of those who had disappeared without trace, sent to Amnesty by their desperate families and friends. I read the testimony of torture victims and saw pictures of their injuries. I opened handwritten, eye-witness accounts of summary trials and executions, of kidnappings and rapes.

Many of my co-workers were ex-political prisoners, people who had been displaced from their homes, or fled into exile, because they had the temerity to speak against their governments. Visitors to our offices included those who had come to give information, or to try and find out what had happened to those they had left behind.

I shall never forget the African torture victim, a young man no older than I was at the time, who had become mentally ill after all he had endured in his homeland. He trembled uncontrollably as he spoke into a video camera about the brutality inflicted upon him. He was a foot taller than I was, and seemed as fragile as a child. I was given the job of escorting him back to the Underground Station afterwards, and this man whose life had been shattered by cruelty took my hand with exquisite courtesy, and wished me future happiness.

And as long as I live I shall remember walking along an empty corridor and suddenly hearing, from behind a closed door, a scream of pain and horror such as I have never heard since. The door opened, and the researcher poked out her head and told me to run and make a hot drink for the young man sitting with her. She had just had to give him the news that in retaliation for his own outspokenness against his country’s regime, his mother had been seized and executed.

Every day of my working week in my early 20s I was reminded how incredibly fortunate I was, to live in a country with a democratically elected government, where legal representation and a public trial were the rights of everyone.

Every day, I saw more evidence about the evils humankind will inflict on their fellow humans, to gain or maintain power. I began to have nightmares, literal nightmares, about some of the things I saw, heard, and read.

And yet I also learned more about human goodness at Amnesty International than I had ever known before.

Amnesty mobilises thousands of people who have never been tortured or imprisoned for their beliefs to act on behalf of those who have. The power of human empathy, leading to collective action, saves lives, and frees prisoners. Ordinary people, whose personal well-being and security are assured, join together in huge numbers to save people they do not know, and will never meet. My small participation in that process was one of the most humbling and inspiring experiences of my life.

Unlike any other creature on this planet, humans can learn and understand, without having experienced. They can think themselves into other people’s places.

Of course, this is a power, like my brand of fictional magic, that is morally neutral. One might use such an ability to manipulate, or control, just as much as to understand or sympathise.

And many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all. They choose to remain comfortably within the bounds of their own experience, never troubling to wonder how it would feel to have been born other than they are. They can refuse to hear screams or to peer inside cages; they can close their minds and hearts to any suffering that does not touch them personally; they can refuse to know.

I might be tempted to envy people who can live that way, except that I do not think they have any fewer nightmares than I do. Choosing to live in narrow spaces leads to a form of mental agoraphobia, and that brings its own terrors. I think the wilfully unimaginative see more monsters. They are often more afraid.

What is more, those who choose not to empathise enable real monsters. For without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude with it, through our own apathy.

One of the many things I learned at the end of that Classics corridor down which I ventured at the age of 18, in search of something I could not then define, was this, written by the Greek author Plutarch: What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.

That is an astonishing statement and yet proven a thousand times every day of our lives. It expresses, in part, our inescapable connection with the outside world, the fact that we touch other people’s lives simply by existing.

But how much more are you, Harvard graduates of 2008, likely to touch other people’s lives? Your intelligence, your capacity for hard work, the education you have earned and received, give you unique status, and unique responsibilities. Even your nationality sets you apart. The great majority of you belong to the world’s only remaining superpower. The way you vote, the way you live, the way you protest, the pressure you bring to bear on your government, has an impact way beyond your borders. That is your privilege, and your burden.

If you choose to use your status and influence to raise your voice on behalf of those who have no voice; if you choose to identify not only with the powerful, but with the powerless; if you retain the ability to imagine yourself into the lives of those who do not have your advantages, then it will not only be your proud families who celebrate your existence, but thousands and millions of people whose reality you have helped change. We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better.

I am nearly finished. I have one last hope for you, which is something that I already had at 21. The friends with whom I sat on graduation day have been my friends for life. They are my children’s godparents, the people to whom I’ve been able to turn in times of trouble, people who have been kind enough not to sue me when I took their names for Death Eaters. At our graduation we were bound by enormous affection, by our shared experience of a time that could never come again, and, of course, by the knowledge that we held certain photographic evidence that would be exceptionally valuable if any of us ran for Prime Minister.

So today, I wish you nothing better than similar friendships. And tomorrow, I hope that even if you remember not a single word of mine, you remember those of Seneca, another of those old Romans I met when I fled down the Classics corridor, in retreat from career ladders, in search of ancient wisdom:
As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.
I wish you all very good lives.
Thank you very much.