{- Penguinis -}

Well now.

2010-11-21T18:51:00.000-08:00

So that song?

Pretty much sums up my relationship, and the reason I have to end it.

The kid has gone and changed so much in such a short amount of time, and has just suffocated me and fallen for me way to hard and far too fast I don't even know up from left from right from down anymore.
I don't need to be needed like this. It hasn't been long enough.
Preston was one thing, we dated for two years, and all was well and fine and dandy. But this.. This isn't kosher.

I shouldn't have been so impulsive.

I am just so cool.

2010-11-07T11:49:00.000-08:00

I've gone and switched boyfriends.
Just like that.
And it's been a month, and I'm loving it, though I must say, it is quite difficult at times.
But it is all worth it, because yes. ♥

More on that later.
Right now, SUFFER UNDER MY MUSIC TASTE.

I Love You, But I Don't Need You

By Momus, covered by Amanda Palmer

I like you, and I'd like you to like me to like you
But I don't need you
Don't need you to want me to like you
Because if you didn't like me
I would still like you, you see
La la la
La la la

I lick you, I like you to like me to lick you
But I don't need you
Don't need you to like me to lick you
If your pleasure turned into pain
I would still lick for my personal gain
La la la
La la la

I fuck you, and I love you to love me to fuck you
But I don't fucking need you
Don't need you to need me to fuck you
If you need me to need you to fuck
That fucks everything up
La la la
La la la

I want you, and I want you to want me to want you
But I don't need you
Don't need you to need me to need you
That's just me
So take me or leave me
But please don't need me
Don't need me to need you to need me
Cos we're here one minute, the next we're dead
So love me and leave me
But try not to need me
Enough said
I want you, but I don't need you

La la la
La la la

I love you, and I love how you love how I love you
But I don't need you
Don't need you to love me to love you
If your love changed into hate
Would my love have been a mistake?
La la la
La la la

So I'm gonna leave you, and I'd like you to leave me to leave you
But lover believe me, it isn't because I don't need you (you know I don't need you)
All I wanted was to be wanted
But you're drowning me deep in your need to be needed
La la la
La la la la la la la la la

I want you, and I want you to want me to want you
But I don't need you
Don't need you to need me to need you
That's just me
So take me or leave me
But please don't need me
Don't need me to need you to need me
Cos we're here one minute, the next we're dead
So love me and leave me
But try not to need me
Enough said
I want you, but I don't need you

Damn Europeans.

2010-08-23T13:42:00.000-07:00

Listening To : Undisclosed Desires - Muse (kinda a weird song, to be honest.)

Two things.

Today, I called this awesome tile company at my internship. This was the conversation.

"Joe speaking."
"Hi! Could you please transfer me to whoever handles distributing product binders?"
"Well. I guess that's me, isn't it. What can I do for ya?"
"I am Alyssa, with __________, and we have an old ___________ Architectual Manual binder, and I was simply requesting an updated copy?"
"Oh! The binders! Well lets see. I don't know if I have anything new to give you. But you could take out ________, we don't work with them anymore."
"Alright..."
"They were just too unreliable! Damn Europeans, you just can't count on them, and it's not like we could just go over there and shake them around a bit!"
"Well no, they're way too far away!"
"EXACTLY. -laughs- And definitely not in the middle of a job -- I can't just announce to a client I'll be gone for a week-long European-ass-kicking trip."
"-laughs- That would seem highly unprofessional."
"Yes. Well, thank you for the call!"
"Thank you! Have a nice day."

So there ya go. That's what I spend my day doing.
That, and without fail misunderstanding "Where are you from?" questions.
When they want the city, I give them the name of the firm. When they want the firm, I give them the city (the second is more common...).
I call myself the librarian, and feel very official.

Second thing.
I'm thinking of getting a chinchilla.
Which is kind of stupid, because I am leaving for college in a year, but whatever. I could figure something out, and then maybe bring it to the East Coast at some point...?
I have no idea, really. But whatever. Chinchillas are adorable, thank you very much. ♥

Meanwhile back at the ranch...
I'm like, having all these second thoughts about going into architecture, because it's all complicated and stuff. And a lot of work. And a lot of time. BUT WHATEVER.
I'm just lazy, and don't want to apply to college. It's going to take for freaking ever, and I'm not too excited about that. Especially since I am like, 10 pieces behind on my stupid portfolio. STUPID PORTFOLIO.
I wish I was in an art class or something, so my artistic ventures didn't depend completely upon my determination to draw a bunch of random crap for (pretty much) NO reason.

Life is good.

But really, it is.
I'm just sick of summer.
I WANT TO BE IN SCHOOL.
Shoot me, but it's true.

Oh yum!

2010-08-21T19:52:00.000-07:00

On my other blog (which you should check out), I practiced food blogging.
I made rice krispie treats! They're amazing, too. So tasty.

So go check it out.

CLICK HERE.

(my new blog needs people to read it. so hey, read it.)

A Little Help?

2010-08-13T18:13:00.001-07:00

So I've got a predicament.
I kind of want to graduate my blog into something slightly more intelligent, and...
Okay that is a total lie. My blog will never be anything close to intelligent, and I suggest you realize this now (if you've been too dense to do so already) and never look back.

The real issue is I want to "open a new chapter of my life", and not have 200 blog posts about absolutely nothing of any importance anymore (then again, none of this is important, once again).
Because I don't like to be able to go back into the archives and read about all of the stupid drama I submitted myself to.

Is it possible to like, back up archives? Or hide them? OR SOMETHING?!

Also I drew a really cool drawing, but I'm not letting you see it until I get a better scan, because the current one makes a really cool drawing exceptionally crappy.
Bummer.

Hi.

2010-08-09T12:18:00.000-07:00

edit.
SNAP AND A HALF THIS IS POST 200.
I can't decide if that is a) awesome, or b) a new level of dorkiness.
TWO HUNDREDDDDD.
/edit.

I'm really bad at blogging.
I'd like to share that with you right now.

Don't hate me!

Uhm uhm uhm things I could say.

1. I have an architecture internship on Wednesday, and I'm scared out of my mind!
I've been told that nervousness is good energy entering my body (which I need to remember!), but it's still scary.

2. My cat is licking himself next to me! It's so raunchy!

3. I'm one month away from senior year, and I'm really excited because summer is REALLY boring.

4. I went to New York City! It was amazing. And big. And hot.
But mostly amazing.

5. My very first cousin to get married got MARRIED. In NEW JERSEY. IT WAS SO AWESOME.

6. I'm sick. ):

7. I love love love to knit. Seriously!

8. I want to move out of my house, but it's really inconvenient, and so that kind of sucks.

9. I just right now remembered I'm supposed to be working on my application portfolio this summer.
I haven't like, at all. And I need to have 15 things in it or something. This really sucks. I should probably draw...

10. But I won't draw, because I'm going to get distracted by knitting!
I'm knitting a shirt!

11. It is also August, so that means I could be working on college apps. But I'm not. Again.

12. I have been really unmotivated this summer to do much of anything.

13. My boyfriend cleaned my room because it was too overwhelming. But it is amazing, and I love it. And him. Yeah. (:

...

I think I'm going to go draw. This is seriously concerning me a little bit.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

2010-05-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

Listening To : Hold On To Me -- Armin Van Buuren [daddy told me to]
Activity : Totally flipping out with joy.

I.
Just.
Learned.
The.
Most.
Exciting.
Thing.
Ever.

I got a 2010 on my SAT!

My highest score was a 710 in Reading. Out of 800.
That's the 96th percentile, if I do say so myself.

I have not been this happy in a long, long time.

I HAVE A CHANCE AT LIFE!

By the way.
I got a 630 in math and a 670 in writing... The latter is amazing, considering I didn't finish, heh. ;D
But but but.
The math really should be better, hahaha.
College Board lets me do this thing where I can see how I "stack up" compared to different colleges' admission averages, and my pathetic 630 is below the average for Cornell.... But my reading score is above! :p

SO. As much as I don't want to, I think I have to take the stupid test again.
And I still have the subject tests on June 5, including math. Eck.

Anyway. My early morning excitement is over.
Off to school.
Woot.

holy crapplesauce.

2010-05-17T23:11:00.000-07:00

Listening To : The Royal We -- Silversun Pickups [THIS IS MY FAVOURITE SONG. OH GOD I LOVE IT.]

Good god it has been for freaking EVER since I've even THOUGHT about posting on my blog. I am a horrible, evil person, I know.
edit. I AM TWO POSTS AWAY FROM 200! That's flippin' amazing.

I have 7 followers, now.
I don't know how that happened.
Who are you guys?
This is so exciting, but my mind is blown. :D

What else is new.
I guess there are two more weeks of Junior Year left, which is terrifying and beautiful and amazing, all at once. I've waited so long for senior year, and now that its approaching so fast, I almost want it to never come.
I'm so scared for the whole college process and everything... I get to find out how I did on the SAT in three days -- I'm shaking just thinking about it. :p

I'm living a lie.
That's all I'll say about that one, but I can tell you, I'm getting pretty damn sick of it.
And that lie -- mind you, this has nothing to do with me dying inside about said lie, because its only a lie due to some pretty unreceptive friends -- is keeping me from being able to sleep, cause the proponent of this lie has sort of poofed from my comforting thoughts at night.
Man. Vague.

I'm suddenly obsessed with knitting! Like, really obsessed! It's all I do, ahahaha. Like right now. I should be writing an English essay [BONUS FACT : I HATE the substitute English teacher for Beth, who had her baby. God. Laura. She makes me want to kill things and never take English ever AGAIN!], but instead I just totally derailed for several hours looking at knitting stuff. Patterns, yarns, ANYTHING. Its so much fun! Aaaah!

This is my new, incredibly exciting, knitting project of the ages.
Its soft and lovely and lacy and I absolutely adore it.
The yarn is Handmaiden Sea Silk, which is 70% silk and 30% seacell, which is apparently made from the cellulose of seaweed. Either way, its absolutely beautiful. :D
That edge is pleated, and it was a four-needle nightmare. So fun, so fun. ♥

You know me, with my million and four crafty projects... I also have the most massive embroidery project you've ever seen. It'll take me til' I'm a grandmother, you just watch.
And I did, in fact, finish [minus a bit of the granite counter and the edging] the Tuscan window cheese wine thing.... I'll have to find a picture of it at some point. (:

Anyway.
So much weird shit has happened lately. It's like, everything I thought I ever knew got flipped upside down and all around, and I don't know who to talk to, or when to talk to them, or what to do or say or think or feel.
Its an amalgamation of insanity and stress, and I'm falling apart at the seams, while gracefully holding myself together for the first time in years. Its a whirlwind of self-adoration and adventure and towering, dizzying precipices. And I love it.

We can laugh about it now
We hope everything works out

2010-03-17T16:07:00.000-07:00

Listening To : Fire Burning -- Sean Kingston
Eating : Cadbury Eggs.
Activity[s] : Addressing / stamping college letters. (:

I have had this song stuck in my head ALL DAY. Its not even funny. I heard it on the radio on the way to school, followed by Lady Gaga's Telephone, so I thought I'd have THAT stuck in my head. But oh no.
"FIYAH BURNIN' FIYAH BURNIN' ON THE DANCE FLOOR."

Also.
Wordle made me this. Its pretty cool.

Words I use in my blog.

Anyway. Im off to send letters to colleges or some such.

inspiration alla JK Rowling.

2010-03-13T14:45:00.000-08:00

The following is JK Rowling's commencement speech for Harvard in 2008. It is absolutely beautiful, and I hope you will read it, and find it as nice as I did.
If you're lazy and don't wish to read it, here's the link : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkREt4ZB-ck

President Faust, members of the Harvard Corporation and the Board of Overseers, members of the faculty, proud parents, and, above all, graduates.

The first thing I would like to say is ‘thank you.’ Not only has Harvard given me an extraordinary honour, but the weeks of fear and nausea I have endured at the thought of giving this commencement address have made me lose weight. A win-win situation! Now all I have to do is take deep breaths, squint at the red banners and convince myself that I am at the world’s largest Gryffindor reunion.

Delivering a commencement address is a great responsibility; or so I thought until I cast my mind back to my own graduation. The commencement speaker that day was the distinguished British philosopher Baroness Mary Warnock. Reflecting on her speech has helped me enormously in writing this one, because it turns out that I can’t remember a single word she said. This liberating discovery enables me to proceed without any fear that I might inadvertently influence you to abandon promising careers in business, the law or politics for the giddy delights of becoming a gay wizard.

You see? If all you remember in years to come is the ‘gay wizard’ joke, I’ve come out ahead of Baroness Mary Warnock. Achievable goals: the first step to self improvement.

Actually, I have wracked my mind and heart for what I ought to say to you today. I have asked myself what I wish I had known at my own graduation, and what important lessons I have learned in the 21 years that have expired between that day and this.

I have come up with two answers. On this wonderful day when we are gathered together to celebrate your academic success, I have decided to talk to you about the benefits of failure. And as you stand on the threshold of what is sometimes called ‘real life’, I want to extol the crucial importance of imagination.

These may seem quixotic or paradoxical choices, but please bear with me.

Looking back at the 21-year-old that I was at graduation, is a slightly uncomfortable experience for the 42-year-old that she has become. Half my lifetime ago, I was striking an uneasy balance between the ambition I had for myself, and what those closest to me expected of me.

I was convinced that the only thing I wanted to do, ever, was to write novels. However, my parents, both of whom came from impoverished backgrounds and neither of whom had been to college, took the view that my overactive imagination was an amusing personal quirk that would never pay a mortgage, or secure a pension. I know that the irony strikes with the force of a cartoon anvil, now.

So they hoped that I would take a vocational degree; I wanted to study English Literature. A compromise was reached that in retrospect satisfied nobody, and I went up to study Modern Languages. Hardly had my parents’ car rounded the corner at the end of the road than I ditched German and scuttled off down the Classics corridor.

I cannot remember telling my parents that I was studying Classics; they might well have found out for the first time on graduation day. Of all the subjects on this planet, I think they would have been hard put to name one less useful than Greek mythology when it came to securing the keys to an executive bathroom.

I would like to make it clear, in parenthesis, that I do not blame my parents for their point of view. There is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction; the moment you are old enough to take the wheel, responsibility lies with you. What is more, I cannot criticise my parents for hoping that I would never experience poverty. They had been poor themselves, and I have since been poor, and I quite agree with them that it is not an ennobling experience. Poverty entails fear, and stress, and sometimes depression; it means a thousand petty humiliations and hardships. Climbing out of poverty by your own efforts, that is indeed something on which to pride yourself, but poverty itself is romanticised only by fools.

What I feared most for myself at your age was not poverty, but failure.

At your age, in spite of a distinct lack of motivation at university, where I had spent far too long in the coffee bar writing stories, and far too little time at lectures, I had a knack for passing examinations, and that, for years, had been the measure of success in my life and that of my peers.

I am not dull enough to suppose that because you are young, gifted and well-educated, you have never known hardship or heartbreak. Talent and intelligence never yet inoculated anyone against the caprice of the Fates, and I do not for a moment suppose that everyone here has enjoyed an existence of unruffled privilege and contentment.

However, the fact that you are graduating from Harvard suggests that you are not very well-acquainted with failure. You might be driven by a fear of failure quite as much as a desire for success. Indeed, your conception of failure might not be too far from the average person’s idea of success, so high have you already flown.

Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. So I think it fair to say that by any conventional measure, a mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale. An exceptionally short-lived marriage had imploded, and I was jobless, a lone parent, and as poor as it is possible to be in modern Britain, without being homeless. The fears that my parents had had for me, and that I had had for myself, had both come to pass, and by every usual standard, I was the biggest failure I knew.

Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun. That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea that there was going to be what the press has since represented as a kind of fairy tale resolution. I had no idea then how far the tunnel extended, and for a long time, any light at the end of it was a hope rather than a reality.

So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable. It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.

Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way. I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above the price of rubies.

The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I ever earned.

So given a Time Turner, I would tell my 21-year-old self that personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a check-list of acquisition or achievement. Your qualifications, your CV, are not your life, though you will meet many people of my age and older who confuse the two. Life is difficult, and complicated, and beyond anyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes.

Now you might think that I chose my second theme, the importance of imagination, because of the part it played in rebuilding my life, but that is not wholly so. Though I personally will defend the value of bedtime stories to my last gasp, I have learned to value imagination in a much broader sense. Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation. In its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity, it is the power that enables us to empathise with humans whose experiences we have never shared.

One of the greatest formative experiences of my life preceded Harry Potter, though it informed much of what I subsequently wrote in those books. This revelation came in the form of one of my earliest day jobs. Though I was sloping off to write stories during my lunch hours, I paid the rent in my early 20s by working at the African research department at Amnesty International’s headquarters in London.

There in my little office I read hastily scribbled letters smuggled out of totalitarian regimes by men and women who were risking imprisonment to inform the outside world of what was happening to them. I saw photographs of those who had disappeared without trace, sent to Amnesty by their desperate families and friends. I read the testimony of torture victims and saw pictures of their injuries. I opened handwritten, eye-witness accounts of summary trials and executions, of kidnappings and rapes.

Many of my co-workers were ex-political prisoners, people who had been displaced from their homes, or fled into exile, because they had the temerity to speak against their governments. Visitors to our offices included those who had come to give information, or to try and find out what had happened to those they had left behind.

I shall never forget the African torture victim, a young man no older than I was at the time, who had become mentally ill after all he had endured in his homeland. He trembled uncontrollably as he spoke into a video camera about the brutality inflicted upon him. He was a foot taller than I was, and seemed as fragile as a child. I was given the job of escorting him back to the Underground Station afterwards, and this man whose life had been shattered by cruelty took my hand with exquisite courtesy, and wished me future happiness.

And as long as I live I shall remember walking along an empty corridor and suddenly hearing, from behind a closed door, a scream of pain and horror such as I have never heard since. The door opened, and the researcher poked out her head and told me to run and make a hot drink for the young man sitting with her. She had just had to give him the news that in retaliation for his own outspokenness against his country’s regime, his mother had been seized and executed.

Every day of my working week in my early 20s I was reminded how incredibly fortunate I was, to live in a country with a democratically elected government, where legal representation and a public trial were the rights of everyone.

Every day, I saw more evidence about the evils humankind will inflict on their fellow humans, to gain or maintain power. I began to have nightmares, literal nightmares, about some of the things I saw, heard, and read.

And yet I also learned more about human goodness at Amnesty International than I had ever known before.

Amnesty mobilises thousands of people who have never been tortured or imprisoned for their beliefs to act on behalf of those who have. The power of human empathy, leading to collective action, saves lives, and frees prisoners. Ordinary people, whose personal well-being and security are assured, join together in huge numbers to save people they do not know, and will never meet. My small participation in that process was one of the most humbling and inspiring experiences of my life.

Unlike any other creature on this planet, humans can learn and understand, without having experienced. They can think themselves into other people’s places.

Of course, this is a power, like my brand of fictional magic, that is morally neutral. One might use such an ability to manipulate, or control, just as much as to understand or sympathise.

And many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all. They choose to remain comfortably within the bounds of their own experience, never troubling to wonder how it would feel to have been born other than they are. They can refuse to hear screams or to peer inside cages; they can close their minds and hearts to any suffering that does not touch them personally; they can refuse to know.

I might be tempted to envy people who can live that way, except that I do not think they have any fewer nightmares than I do. Choosing to live in narrow spaces leads to a form of mental agoraphobia, and that brings its own terrors. I think the wilfully unimaginative see more monsters. They are often more afraid.

What is more, those who choose not to empathise enable real monsters. For without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude with it, through our own apathy.

One of the many things I learned at the end of that Classics corridor down which I ventured at the age of 18, in search of something I could not then define, was this, written by the Greek author Plutarch: What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.

That is an astonishing statement and yet proven a thousand times every day of our lives. It expresses, in part, our inescapable connection with the outside world, the fact that we touch other people’s lives simply by existing.

But how much more are you, Harvard graduates of 2008, likely to touch other people’s lives? Your intelligence, your capacity for hard work, the education you have earned and received, give you unique status, and unique responsibilities. Even your nationality sets you apart. The great majority of you belong to the world’s only remaining superpower. The way you vote, the way you live, the way you protest, the pressure you bring to bear on your government, has an impact way beyond your borders. That is your privilege, and your burden.

If you choose to use your status and influence to raise your voice on behalf of those who have no voice; if you choose to identify not only with the powerful, but with the powerless; if you retain the ability to imagine yourself into the lives of those who do not have your advantages, then it will not only be your proud families who celebrate your existence, but thousands and millions of people whose reality you have helped change. We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all the power we need inside ourselves already: we have the power to imagine better.

I am nearly finished. I have one last hope for you, which is something that I already had at 21. The friends with whom I sat on graduation day have been my friends for life. They are my children’s godparents, the people to whom I’ve been able to turn in times of trouble, people who have been kind enough not to sue me when I took their names for Death Eaters. At our graduation we were bound by enormous affection, by our shared experience of a time that could never come again, and, of course, by the knowledge that we held certain photographic evidence that would be exceptionally valuable if any of us ran for Prime Minister.

So today, I wish you nothing better than similar friendships. And tomorrow, I hope that even if you remember not a single word of mine, you remember those of Seneca, another of those old Romans I met when I fled down the Classics corridor, in retreat from career ladders, in search of ancient wisdom:
As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.
I wish you all very good lives.
Thank you very much.

disengage.

2010-01-09T16:07:00.001-08:00

Listening To : Ievan's Polkka - Loituma [trying to memorize it.]
Drinking : Diet Coke.
Activity[s] : Trying desperately to figure out life, singing the same song over and over, nothing.

I am so confused. Utterly and completely confused. And I don't know how to get out of it, of this, of anything.
I've gotten myself into a hole, as previously mentioned, and I have no idea how to get back up to the surface. The surface of what, I dont know.

Preston.
I want nothing more than to just be able to disengage, break away, be my own person again, live my own life. But no. Thats too much to ask of the world for little Alyssa.
Instead, Im trapped, connected to him for some sick, sadistic reason, because I just can't break myself off, push him away. He's so entangled in my life and my soul that its impossible, no matter how I hard I try.
And even If I DID want him back in my life, back as my boyfriend, I couldn't, because the pressure from my friends is smothering me, and they'd surely kill me if I went back.
And its not like I dont understand where theyre coming from, because I do, and I wish I could agree, and just leave.
But they don't take into account that my emotions dictate otherwise.

Maybe its because Ive had too long to get close to him.
But it was the same way with Cliff -- two years is longer than 10 months, by far.
But with Cliff, I had Preston to distract me, to help me get over it.
But not this time. This time, Im untouchable. No one (halfway decent / that i would want to go out with) is going to touch me with a ten foot pole, because I have such a horrible rock placed over me with the whole preston thing. No one is going to even think of liking me, for that reason alone, and you can forget dating me.
Which is a terrifying thought, to be honest.

I hate being single, I really do.
And Im fully aware that the only way I'll be able to move on is if I have someone to help me out, guide me along.
And I tried, really hard, to let Wishiah be that person, but I think it needs to be someone I consciously choose to go out with in order to wean myself off of Preston's stupid drug that Im so hooked on.
Someone I really, really like. Not that I didn't like her, I just.. I don't know.
But I haven't felt all cute and girl-crushy towards anyone since last year, about this time, with Preston.
And Im beginning to think I'll never feel that way again, just because...
Well, I don't know why I feel like that.
But its terrifying, nonetheless.

God, everything about this is terrifying, isn't it?

Sometimes I wish none of this had ever happened, that I had just let things be the way they were before.
I wish I had never made him go out with me, and just let my stupid crush on a guy who would never feel the same way go.
I wish I had seen the light back in June, and moved on while I still had the chance, after he broke my heart.
I wish I hadn't given in, I'd seen the truth, I'd listened to my friends.
I wish I had been able to be final in my breakup this time around, and moved on like I said I would.
I wish I could forget.

But I can't.
And I can't do it all by myself, because I don't have the strength.
But there's no one to help me.
And so I'm trapped.

if this ain't love, then how do we get out?

2010-01-04T16:55:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, here we go with song lyrics again. It seems like that's all i ever post that has any decent length, right?
But. I rather like this song.
I was listening to KJEE (92.9! best radio station ever!), and heard it, and called to ask what it was.
And Phat J (aka the DJ) was like "THIS IS ONE OF MY FAAAVOURITE SONGS BY RISE AGAINSTTTTT." (in a very loud yet still-there gay lisp) And he proceeded to then recommend other songs by RA that he likes. Very cool. xD

Anyhow. I haven't blogged lately. And this isn't a post to be like "HAHA, I HAVEN'T BLOGGED. KBYE."
Ive just been stressed out, I guess.
Im confused about everything, I don't know who I love and who I hate, I don't know what I want, what I need, what I should even be doing.
All I know is that I've gotten myself into a pit, and the light at the top is fading fast.

But I'll be alright. I always am.
The thing is, it's really scary, while Im trying to figure everything out. Everything seems to change daily..
And don't ask me what Im thinking, because its never, ever the same. Changes on an hourly basis.
I think I think too much.

Anyhow. Without further ado.
Saviour :

Savior
Rise Against

It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten
what the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them
as the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping
through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten

there is no reconciliation that will put me in my place
and there is no time like the present to drink these draining seconds
but seldom do these words ring true when I'm constantly failing you
like walls that we just can't break through until we disappear
so tell me now

if this ain't love then how do we get out?
because I don't know
that's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl
but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have

but the day pressed on like crushing weights
for no man does it ever wait
like memories of dying days
that deafen us like hurricanes
bathed in flames we held the brand
uncurled the fingers in your hand
pressed into the flesh like sand
now do you understand?
so tell me now

if this ain't love then how do we get out?
because I don't know
that' s when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl
but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have

one thousand miles away
there's nothing left to say
but so much left that I don't know
we never had a choice
this world is too much noise
it takes me under
it takes me under once again

I don't hate you
I don't hate you
so tell me now
if this ain't love then how do we get out?
because I don't know

that's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
that's when I told her I love you girl
but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have
I don't hate you
I don't hate you, no

oooh. aaah.

2009-12-23T16:15:00.000-08:00

Listening To : Clocks -- Coldplay! :D
Eating : Yummy chocolates.
Activity[s] : Hanging out, lighting incense, and loving my life. ♥

I had a really good day, today.
I got to see two people I really like, and hang out with Alex!
That was cool. xD

But yes.
So I hung out with Eric the Asian. ;D
Which was amazing, if I may say..
I won't go into too many details, but it was fantabulous.
I miss that kid so much, all the time.
Ughhh.

And then. Alex and Wishiah came over after driving school, which was also AMAZING.
Because I got to see Wishiah. Which made me very happy. :D
And then the four of us went downtown.
Where Wishiah and I ditched the boys in Victoria's Secret, so we could run off and be alone together.
ps. I just added Wishiah into firefox's spellcheck dictionary. ;D

Anyway.
I had a good day.

Just thought I would share that magical information with you. (:

HOLY BEES NEST. relationship central, babay. lifechange!

2009-12-16T17:01:00.000-08:00

Listening To : I dunno. Whatever comes on shuffle. :D
Activity[s] : Drawing! Being Alyssa. Haha.

Two things.

1. Im single.
2. Im in love.
Okay not in love in love, Just figuratively. If thats possible... But yes. Its going to be a looong time before I decide Im in love again, trust me.

So. Nik came down to visit [about goddamn time, its been what? three years?], and I pretty much died of happiness.
Happiness coupled, of course, with horrible life-ruining doubt about everything i ever thought, ever.
But I love him for it, right now.
Because there was nothing more I needed than just a massive, 9.0 earthquake to shake me off of the foundations Ive built myself out of nothing but misguided logic and false emotion.
And good lord, that kid is adorable.
And, when I told him that, he asked me to tell him why, specifically. I, of course, didnt. "You just are!"
So. In order to appease the masters of the universe...

Reasons why Nik is freaking adorable :
1. Hes really, really cute.
2. He pokes at me and hits me and harasses me like a 2nd grade boy thats decided he likes someone.
3. Hes honest with me! He tells me cute things, like that he never thought of me as a plaything [SCORE!], and that he's "always had a crush on me".
4. Even though he's like, 19 [in 3 days!], he does all these really cute, innocent, shy little things. Like reach for my hand, barely touch it, pull back, and then wait for me to figure it out and hold it.
5. "I always feel stupid when I miss you."
"Why would you feel stupid?"
"Because its like.. Wanting something I just can't have."
"What makes you think you couldn't have me?"
'Nough said.
6. When presented with my hands, and me saying "Make my hands warm.", he does exactly the right thing -- open his jacket for me to hug him.
7. He doesn't yell at me for writing notes instead of saying things aloud.
8. Hes content with just holding me.
9. Together, we're horrifically awkward and unsure, and I really, really like it. I miss having someone who isn't like "BAM. HELLO THERE, MAKE OUT WITH ME. WANNA FUCK?"
10. Ive liked him for 6 years. Im biased.

SEE!? It is so much easier for me to write things like that out.
If he'd handed me a sheet of paper and a pen, I could have done it, I just KNOW it.

But even if I wanted to [which I obviously do, what the hell did you expect?!], I won't be able to see him for at least a year. He's off saving the world or some such [aka. joining the coast guard. goodie.]
Im such a dumb blonde.
As SOON as he left last night [for like, 10 minutes. and i was supposed to leave, but didn't, cause my grandma needed a picture, so he had to come back and do that.. but in between that!], I sat down and started crying.
In front of his dad, and his grandma, and my grandma [and obviously my mother]. And lamenting, aloud, LOUD ENOUGH FOR THEM TO HEAR, about how tragic this all was.
And on, and on, and on I went.
I dont even want to know what his dad was thinking, as Im sitting there sobbing about how much I like his kid.
Selfish as it may be, all I can do is HOPE he said something to Nik about it on their drive home today. Seriously.
"Oh, hey. That girl? She really likes you, dude. She sat down and cried."
And you know?
Despite anything Nik could say, Im still worried he'd think I was completely and utterly ridiculous for crying about it.

So.
Then I got to thinking.
He'd hug me, and Id feel perfect. We were sitting there, his arms wrapped around me, and all I could think about was how happy I was in that. exact. second. Which isn't something Ive done in a while -- Im always worrying about things that happened three minutes ago or that will happen tomorrow, I never focus on the present.
But nothing was wrong. I was perfectly content to just sit there, stare off into space, and exist.
And the one time he kissed me?
My heart skipped a beat, my emotions did a summersault, and I was about to cry I was so happy. I had to bury my face into him to keep tears from forming.
BUT.
When Preston hugs me? I just sort of want to push him away... I don't feel safe and protected, I feel overly-depended-upon. And thats a really, really scary feeling.
One that I just cannot deal with.
I mean. To have someone put you in a position where you're their entire life? Thats the most nerve-wracking, trapping thing ever.
I stopped feeling anything when he kissed me or held me or touched me a looong time ago. The only reason I stuck around was because a) I was sure I loved him, and b) He needed me.
That, and he was just a constant. Something comfortable and normal in my life... And something I was proud of, I guess. I mean. We nearly hit 10 months. And he was the first guy I ever actually got that I wanted and pursued and all that. AND. I put up a huuuuge fight for him last year and over the summer.

But you know.
Now that I think about it.
Sometimes I just sort of feel like everything I did, everything I gave up, all of the drama and tears and heartbreak and betrayal I submitted myself to... It just means nothing to him.
Like, he knows it happened, sure. But I think instead of realizing just what it did to me, he just feels proud of himself, because his first relationship was so full of drama. Drama all centered around HIM.
And that, that alone, is enough to turn me off to the whole idea.
I pretty much ruined my life for him.
And... Thats just a really sucky relationship.

So, I broke up with him.
End of story. (:
And don't ask me if we'll get back together, because honestly, I couldn't tell you.
And like I said, the more I think about it...?
I don't really want to. I mean. Im realizing, as my mind is clearing of my blindness from love, that it really, really sucked.

i wanna start all over.

2009-11-26T18:47:00.000-08:00

Under Your Spell
Cosmic Gate [ft. Aruna]

Counting out the hours
Like the beat of a song
I feel like a stranger
Wondering where I belong
I wanna start all over
But I know that I can’t
I’m helpless without you
I don’t know who I am

I’m under your spell
Bound and blind and only you can save me
I’m tangled up inside
Caught in your web
I’m hypnotized and only you can wake me
Only you can bring this heart to life

Colors feel so faded
And I can’t hear a sound
I’m walking in circles
Watching my world burn down
There’s nothing else to fight for
Cuz you’re all that I know
I’m stuck in your shadow
Letting you take control

I’m under your spell
Bound and blind and only you can save me
I’m tangled up inside
Caught in your web
I’m hypnotized and only you can wake me
Only you can bring this heart to life

So pull me in and don’t let go
I wanna fall forever
I wanna overflow
If there’s some way out, don’t let me know
I don’t wanna come to
It’s too big to undo
I need to be near you
I can’t keep away…
Under your spell
I’m under your spell

I’m under your spell
Bound and blind and only you can save me
I’m tangled up inside
Caught in your web
I’m hypnotized and only you can wake me
Only you can bring this heart to life

~*~

My world is in a tiny blue bottle, with a tiny cork stopper,
strung on a tiny chain hung from a tiny nail on an endless expanse of black.
The light, refracted through that imperfect blue, swirls its colour into this milky existence,
and all I can do is watch as that colour spirals and blossoms, invading my diluted imaginings of perfection.
I want to run through that beauty, to that shimmering glass wall, and burst through it in a cloud of glittering cobalt slivers of what has suddenly become my tiny prison.
But doubt pours in as I take that first step; the level rises and rises, until I'm fighting to stay above the surface, lips gasping for breath... Fighting for freedom, fighting for the light, fighting for everything.
Everything is nothing, and nothing is everything; any fragment of certainty vanishes, my body goes limp, and the light seems to fade. The black returns.
Doubt dissipates, and that tiny blue vial seems like home; the glass keeps away the darkness, and in turn, blocks out the light.
Reasons form, and then fade, pierced by that light, as it tries to illuminate my silhouette.
A glimmer of hope, as the light glows against an outstreched hand.
But I am reaching for something I cannot grasp, and the currents of doubt tug at my soul.
I am reaching for something I cannot grasp, and so my reasons will have to do.

sad face.

2009-11-17T23:42:00.001-08:00

I hate anything that is unreciprocated.
Because then, I just feel like a complete and utter fool.

I was talking earlier about how much I missed Preston, etc etc.
Well. I was all excited, because earlier today, he had said I would see him tonight.
And then this evening, he was like "Oh, I'll see you after I do homework."
And I was like YAY! Because I miss him, you know.

Well anyway.
I get a series of texts :
"Hey."
"Are you free?"
"Im not going to see you tonight, sorry."

And I almost burst into tears right then, because he'd been making me look forward to this [like he does] since 3 this afternoon. And so I convinced him to come see me.
Well. As he waited for his dad to fall asleep, i guess he [either accidentaly or intentionally -- which, due to the fact he never ever keeps his word and I can hardly trust him, is what I'm thinking...] fell asleep. Blowing me off. Again.

And so now I just feel like a complete idiot, because I really really miss him.
And he clearly doesn't miss me nearly as much.
And so I make a huge deal out of something Im really excited about, that he couldn't care less about...
Do you see why I feel so stupid?
I just spent 10 minutes trying to bawl silently, for fear of waking my brother up.
But geez.
It kills me to think I can miss someone so much, and have them not miss me at all.

And its not like this is the first time this has happened.
I don't even know, sometimes.
I have a seriously hard time trusting anything he says he'll do.
And that kills me.
And is making me cry again, just thinking about it.

Alas.

I can't sleep, but I'm off to lay in bed and stare at the cieling, blinking back tears and imagining a world where people would finally miss me just as I miss them.

im burnin' for you.

2009-11-17T21:00:00.001-08:00

Listening To : Burning For You -- Blue Oyster Cult [imagine that!]
Activity[s] : Not doing homework, snuggling into Preston's sweatshirt because it smells like him.

Dude.
I love it.
Guys always make their clothes smell like them.
And its amazing.
I get to sit here, wrapped in yummy-smelling boy, when I haven't seen the actual yummy-smelling boy in two days!
TWO WHOLE DAYS.
This is crazy.
I mean, generally I see him every day of my life.. Cause.. We just like being together, I don't know. xD
My mother is shocked and amazed. :p

Also.
This is my second post in two days.
Which is bloody amazing, if you ask me. :D

1. I got a job!
My psychiatrist [of all people] found this job for me, looking after this 11 year old girl for a couple hours after school a few days of week, so her grandma, who is raising her, can have some time to herself.
The girl is apparently really self-sufficient, and just doesn't like to be home alone for that long.
So I'll make 10 bucks an hour, for about 2 hours 3 times a week, just hanging out with this little girl...
Who sounds amazing, by the way. As I was hanging up from talking to the grandma, she goes "Don't forget to tell her I'm weird!"
Most amazing little girl ever? Yes.
So on thursday Im going to go over there to meet them and such, and I'm really looking forward to it.

2. I saw my daddy today!
That was awesome, haha. I miss him so much.
I have so much fun just talking to him, its fantabulous.
We shared music/youtube videos. My two main videos were We Didn't Start The Flame War and David Blaine's Street Magic.
If you don't know what Im talking about, you should watch both, because they are BRILLIANT. :D
But we have many awesome moments.
"Yeah, when Im in a meeting, and I need to tell one of my collegues something, I'll text it to them. You know, if its not appropriate for the rest of the team."
"What do you say?! 'Hey dude. My buttitches.'"
That was a nice moment. :D

Im off to listen to strange musics, now, so toodles. :D

hey hey.

2009-11-15T11:50:00.000-08:00

Activity[s] : Should be cleaning my room, thats for sure. :D

For lack of a better title, hey! Whats up! How goes it.

Ive been dead for what seems like forever, haven't said anything worthwhile in ages, and yeah.
I feel remotely bad about it, ya know?
Ive been so unbelievably busy with school and everything, that everything else has just fallen away. Poof! Gone.
But I'm trying to fix that.
I've actually been talking to people on msn, instead of just signing in! How crazy is THAT?!
I was pretty impressed.

So anyway.
My room is a horiffic mess, hahaha. And so today Im half-working on cleaning it up, at least enough so I can comfortably sit at my desk to do my mountains upon mountains of homework. Pretty exciting, if you ask me. :D
Only not really.

There isn't much that's new in my life. Im taking a weaving class at school, which is pretty rad.
Appeals to my crafty-ness.
Check it out:

If I could find the other one [its plaid! that was a lot of work] I'd show you that too.
But unfortunately, in my cleaning, Ive managed to misplace it.
But when I DO find it, I'll be sure to show you.

So.
Im doing well in school, blah blah blah. All that good stuff. :p
I have only had one late assignment! Which is a huge deal for me, because.. It just is.
Ive been trying really, really hard this year.
And I intend to get a 4.0.

OH HAY GUESS WHAT.
On December 15, I get to see Nik.
Yeah, thats right. The kid I haven't seen in 3 years?
Dude the last time I saw him, I got my first kiss. After everything, that seems like eons ago.
And Im really freaking excited, you know that? Like, omg. I could DIE Im so excited.
I've been waiting for this for SO LONG. Because I've wanted to make this crazy impression on him... Just look beautiful, be bright and cheery and flirty, and I guess just make him wish he'd talked to me more.
And I'll be damned if I don't intend to work my girlish charm to its upper limit. WITHOUT looking like a total whore, considering Im not really a single girl, hahaha.
But you'll see.
It will be pretty bad ass.

On Friday I saw 2012 with Emma.
It was amazing, if I may just say that.
Like, really. I expected it to be just a "OMG THINGS EXPLODING INTO DOOM." movie [which it was!], but it also turned out to have this amazing storyline, focusing on a little group of people, and Emma and I were constantly like "OH MY GOD WHAT IF SHE LOVES HIM." And it was just really.. good.
I was on the edge of my seat the entire time, fingers crossed, because pretty much the entire movie, they were mere INCHES from death and destruction.
But you know, I thought it was very realistic how so many people just.. died. No fanfare, no big thing.. People just died. That's all there was to it.
There was this interesting plot element, where the main character had written this hopelessly unpopular book about Atlantis. And as the movie progresses, and one of the main characters talks about the book, it ends up paralleling what is happening in real life [for them]... It was utterly fascinating. The guy reading it eventually launched into this speech about how that book would survive, how it would be safe, merely because he was reading it.
Last thing.
Despite it being horribly depressing [good lord, (almost) everyone DIES], it was also both funny and inspiring. Really. There were these random moments of humor ["Car? On."], and moments that really made you think about how life works [in the form of people that saw beyond themselves, and their own safety, in order to either save or just comfort others...].
AND A BLACK GUY PLAYED THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT. :D

Now. I go back to cleaning. ;D

I don't got all night.

2009-10-19T12:45:00.000-07:00

If You Want To
Weezer

The moon was shining on the lake at night
The Slayer t-shirt fit the scene just right
Smeared mascara, I looked into your eyes, I saw a light
You told me stories about your chickadees
They didn’t like BB guns or stupid archery
John the lifeguard, he let them use the pool all day for free

Then the conversation stopped, and I looked down at my feet
I was next to you and you were right there next to me
Then I said go!
If you’re wondering if I want you, (I want you to) I want you to
So make a move, (Make a move) ‘cos I ain’t got all night

The rest of the summer was the best we ever had
We watched Titanic, and it didn’t make us sad
I took you to Best Buy, you took me home to meet your Mom and Dad
Your Mom cooked meatloaf even though I don’t eat meat
I dug you so much, I took some for the team
Your dad was silent, his eyes were fixed on what was on TV

Then the conversation stopped, and I looked down at the ring
Your folks were next to you, and you were right there next to me
Then I said go!
If you’re wondering if I want you, (I want you to) I want you to (I want you to)
I swear it’s true (I swear it’s true) without you, my heart is blue
Go!
If you’re wondering if I want you, (I want you to) I want you to
So make a move, (Make a move) ‘cos I ain’t got all night

So much pain may come our way
There may come a day when we have nothing left to say
When the conversation stops, and we’re facing our defeat
I’ll be next to you and you’ll be right there next to me

Then I’ll say go!
If you’re wondering if I want you, (I want you to) I want you to (I want you to)
I swear it’s true (I swear it’s true) without you, my heart is blue
Go!
If you’re wondering if I want you (I want you to) I want you to
So make a move, (Make a move) ‘cos I ain’t got all night

oh by the way...

2009-09-12T22:55:00.000-07:00

POEM[S]!

masochist.

you know that biting
the tender skin below my
ear will always set

my hands to shaking,
and that bruises will be worth
more in the morning

than quiet whispers.
you know that the sharp snap of
your hips into mine

is never enough,
that sex feels good but the ache
feels better. what you

don't know is that i'm
afraid that one winter day
you'll shatter my heart

and when i ask why
you'll just say, "well, i know you
like it when it hurts."
at deviantART

. - by estallidos at deviantART

hipbone connected to the...

dear-

i'm writing you a letter
on the back of my hand
shake and shiver because sometimes
the winter is colder than i hope
you think about me every now and again

i'm falling through the pages of a book i've never read
between the lines of the shapes the streets make
me believe that you aren't as confused as i am
forgetting about poison in my veins and my heart
beats a broken rhythm
drum into submission and i watch as it dies
the black ink bleeding through my body
of water is never as deep as it seems
you've forgotten me and the way i love you
feel so cheap on my skin

i hope you remember and tell me
please
love me.

- by ohsostarryeyed at deviantART

nonexistent people.

"something's wrong."

"what makes you say that?"

"your shirt is white."

"so?"

"so, it's just white. there's nothing on it- no dirt, no ink, no blood."

"i guess you're right."

"so, what's wrong?"

"i don't remember how to speak."

"you're talking right now."

"that's irrelevant."

"yeah?"

"yeah. i'm running my mouth but i'm saying nothing. i'm thinking all these things, and i can't say them. i'm sitting straight but everything is angled and i think i'm falling when i'm only standing still."

"i think you said that very well."

"then maybe i forgot how to see."

"have you?"

"maybe. i'm missing something. like something that's on the tip of my nose and i won't cross my eyes to see it. "

"cross your eyes."

"no."

"why not?"

"i don't want my eyes to get stuck."

"look at me."

"hi."

"what do you see?"

"your eyes are sad. you have a crooked mouth. your hands never touch flatly on your thighs. you look wrong, but beautiful. oh- sorry. i shouldn't say that."

"i don't think you're blind."

"i don't know. maybe i have forgotten how to hear."

"hear, or listen?"

"i can listen. i know what you say isn't what you mean, i can taste the fear on the back of my tongue when you look in only one of my eyes and say, 'no, i'm not afraid.' i can listen to the way your hands shake and your eyes dart to the left when you're nervous. but i can't fucking hear for the life of me."

"what does my heart sound like?"

"it sounds like it's crying, but sometimes like a nuclear explosion."

"i think you can hear just fine. and your sense of taste is alright, as well."

"and smell and taste are connected, right? fuck- i don't know what's wrong with me. maybe i can't feel. maybe i can't live."

"why can't you just be alright?"

"because i can't be wrong. i want to know what i'm missing, i want to know why i can't breathe."

"what are you doing?"

"controlled hyperventilation. i'm breathing, and it's beautiful. it's as beautiful as you. i can breathe and taste and see and smell and hear and feel and listen and i can't stop shaking or crying and i'm falling to pieces, but it's so fucking beautiful because it means i'm not dead."

- by ohsostarryeyed at deviantART

dark sarcasm?

2009-09-12T22:15:00.000-07:00

Listening To : Pjanoo -- Eric Prydz ; Proper Education -- Eric Prydz vs. Floyd

My friends are fucking morons, I'd like to say that now.
Im kind of pissed off about it, too. Like. Shit.

As if my life isn't fucked over enough.
We have 140 bucks til' the end of the month. Im already gonna have to choose between internet and the cell phone, and to be honest, I haven't decided yet.
There's not ONE goddamn thing in this house I actually want to EAT; I've been barely surviving by eating at my boyfriend's like.. Every night. o.o
AND. School starts in two days, and I still don't have a fucking BINDER, let alone paper to put in it, or pens to write on it with. And of course, I haven't a thing to wear.

But yes.
As if all of that wasn't bad enough, I have the people I count on most to cheer me up and make me forget about all the lovely shit in my life are going and adding to it.
Okay well not all of them. Most of them are pimpin', as usual.

Friend #1:
Throwing a bitch fit because of a delicious rift in our group of friends, centered around mainly one person.
One person that I am totally associated with, considering hes my fucking boyfriend.
And because she is all like "OMG NO AVOID LIKE PLAGUE.", it makes me have to choose between her or him.
And, to top it all off, her idiocy is making OTHER people have to choose too, because she flips out at them if they hang out with the boy.
Im trying to use absolutely no names at all, because.. that'd be pointing fingers?
Lol idiot. You know me, and you know who the hell it is.
Man.
I wanna be her friend, but not if she's going to make everyone's life hell with her "ITS HIM OR ME, HO." routine.
Even though she claims she isn't doing it, and is like "Ah nah, its coo'.", she totally is.
Obviously.
"Oh hes going? Oh Im not going to go. I'll hang out with them some other time."
And it kind of fucking sucks. A lot.
Because I really hate to be in positions where I have to choose.
And considering Im gonna choose the guy anyway... Its just sort of idiotic. I mean. Ugh. :/

Friend #2:
- Has a new pothead boyfriend!
- Said boyfriend is a fucking manwhore.
- Said friend is an adorable little picture of innocence [as she damn well should be at 15].
- Drank half a bottle of vodka tonight! Yaaaay.
- "Im gonna play peer pong. Toodles!" - 5 minutes later - "Fuck I hate my ideas. Im hiding from beer pong."
- "Im going to to whatever I want anyway!"
I was all like, jealous of her yesterday, but it kind of hit my that Im motherfucking happy my boyfriend is as sweet as he is.
Sure I might fail miserably at life, but he's not about to compare me to 9249874 other dumb sluts. And Im freaking happy about that, god damn it.
And there's gonna be [and is] more to my relationship than "Okay shit I have to give really good head otherwise he's going to think Im lame and dump me. Oh, I hope I dont get an STD. Wait, isn't it STI now?"
[Mines more along the lines of "HAHA lets go to ihop at 8 on a saturday morning, and talk about cars the whole way there AND back! Omg your cannonball sucks get out of the pool and do it RIGHT, BOY. You have sand in your hoohah! Your parents were merpeople! MERBOY!" And I fucking love it/him. ♥]
So suck on that! [?]

I dunno.
I mean.
I give more of a damn about the second one, because I love her dearly and am seriously concerned...
But ugh. I dont know, man.

/rant

i'll best be on my way out.

2009-09-06T08:28:00.001-07:00

Listening To : Ignorance -- Paramore

I just stayed up all night.
For no reason, really.
Anyway.

I just got harassed by a lesbian?
Yeaaah.

"How's your ex?"
"Dude, I told you, hes my goddamn boyfriend, not my ex."
"Ask him if he wants to watch me eat you out."
"... No?"
"But he can't touch me."
"Not into the whole sharing thing."
"What if we just kiss?"
"NO! Last time I kissed a girl horrible things ensued!"
"Oh. Yeah. You silly little slut you."

"Im sure you fool all the boys like that. Theyre fucking stupid."
"Uhm. What?"
"Honey drips from your cunt."
"Ew, no its doesn't. Thatd be nasty."
"Its a metaphor."
"Keep your metaphors away from my cunt!"
"Dont call it that. Its too seductive."
"... Right."
"Im trying to fight with you, I dont need that."

"I want to be your boyfriend. But only if he has a small dick."
"Uhh...."
"Sorry. I like you."
"And so you want to be Preston?"
"No."
"Didn't think so.."
"Why would I want to be him? Have you seen me? Im gorgeous!"
"... You really dont want to ask me to compare your guys' looks..."
"I would get less pussy than him."
"... And thats a good thing how?"
"And thats all I care about. Getting pussy."
"Clearly."

It was pretty special?
My perfectly good evening was ruined by her stupidity. And her totally objectifying me. WHICH I DONT LIKE.
Ugh.

ps. I suck at making origami stars.

Theyre pretty much all deformed in some way. The ones that dont look deformed merely have their good sides up.
But it was really fun! :D

Okay so Im starting to get slightly tired.
WHAT TO DO. D:

Theres this youtube series thing, called The Guild [you should watch it!]. I watched the entire first two season thingys.
Its cause they have this song.
Do You Wanna Date My Avatar?
Best. Song. Ever. Like really.
If youve ever played a MMORPG, its the BOMB[dot com!].
I have to listen to it now.
"Do you wanna date my avatar? Shes a star, and hotter than reality by far!"
But yeah. The show.
Its totally rad. :D

Uhhh...
Im tired. But Im not going to sleep.
Im going to like.
Do something. Who knows.

2009-08-25T13:29:00.000-07:00

Listening To : Overload -- Voodoo & Serano
Activity[s] : Playing Dreamfall, reading blogs I really shouldn't be reading...

I have this really weird sick, hot, dizzy, sinking feeling...
Its like, a mixture of guilt, disgust, horror, confusion, befuddlement [lol!], sick amusement, triumph...
Either way, there's this lump in my throat like I want to cry, but Im not sad enough to do so.
Why would I cry anyway? Who knows. I sorta feel like I should, but there's no goddamn reason for it.
So whatever.

Meanwhile, I'm completely and utterly terrified to go back to school now, because there are factors completely beyond my control.
Crazy, psycho factors.
That shouldn't even be in California.
Because as much as I try to brush things off and be all like "La la la", I have a really, REALLY hard time not suspecting the worst.
Especially now, after.. everything.

I REALIZE THE ABOVE TWO PARAGRAPHS MADE ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE UNLESS YOU CAN SOMEHOW GUESS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT.
AND THAT'D BE DIFFICULT, CONSIDERING I DIDN'T REALLY EXPLAIN THE SUBJECT TO THAT MANY PEOPLE.
LOL. SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE. MOVING ON.

Hi!
I'm 17.
I still haven't quite gotten over that yet!
I was filling out.. something for school, and its like "Age_____" and I almost put 16.
Because being 17 is really weird. Like, it isnt.
But it totally is.

SPEAKING OF. I'm really fucking terrified to grow up.
Because I really don't think I can quite handle it...
The responsibility of existing is a HUGE one. Its terrifying, 'nough said.
I can't even handle my non-stressful life, let alone when something happens and I have to keep a cool head and look at things objectively.

IDEA : Im going with my mum to pick up my brother from Jr. High [MY BROTHER IS IN 7TH GRADE. ITS AMAZING.], to pick up my tatamasala from Stan at the Greek Cafe.
And then were going to get some crackers or pitas or something, so I can eat it FOREVER AND EVER.
Man, I love that stuff. Its a greek caviar spread stuff.. And its delicious beyond all comprehension. ♥

Anyway.
Im also going through a really negative phase, where I completely hate myself.
I think Im fat [which is completely bloody ridiculous, Im aware of that fact. I weigh 115. I had a shit fit about that fact, because Im usually 111. 4 pounds, uh oh. But nevertheless..], and Im convinced Im a lazy pig.
And, the very predictable follower is that if Im not careful, Im going to develop a case of anorexia... Because Ive already made the connection in my head that eating is what makes me fat, and that since Ive been eating more, Im gaining weight, and if I were to not eat so much, Id be fine.
Like my dad said, at least Im okay with admitting that fact... But Im kinda scared of spiralling downwards into this trend of starving myself.
Which would be totally stupid.
BUT. I did finally accept Preston's offer to help me out, and Emily and I are gonna join a gym and go Mondays and Wednesdays after school. If I can have someone to do it WITH, hopefully exersizing will be easy.

BUT MAN.
My life is so freaking dull.
And now, to make it worse, everyone is in school. So even if I WANTED to talk to someone, they wouldn't be around!
How lame is THAT. :p

By the way. This song, Overload?
ITS AMAZING. YOU SHOULD LOVE IT WITH A FIREY PASSION THAT BURNS DEEP WITHIN YOUR SOUL.
:D :D :D

THERE YA GO.

Anyway.
I think Im going to go do something hopelessly idiotic again.
Like... Embroider.
Or play that stupid game.
Or something.
I was going to shower, but my mum beat me to it. Lame. :p

ugh.

2009-08-14T13:17:00.000-07:00

This is a short post.
Because Im not doing anything worthwhile right now, etc.

But I just wanted to say.
I woke up this morning to my mother screaming to... no one, really... about how she was going to "horsewhip the little bitch and send her to live with her father". Because I never clean / do anything / help / etc.
So while she was napping or whatever, I was like "Okay! Lets prove the psycho wrong!"
So I spent 2 and a half hours cleaning up...
I took out the recycling, put away the dry dishes, cleaned up the diningroom table, straightened the rug in the living room, re-madeup the couch, organized all the shit on this random desk, picked up ALL the junk behind the couch, put away all the video games...

Did she notice?
Of course not.
She was still in a bitchy goddamn mood, didn't even glance at anything I'd done...
And as she left, she said "It doesn't help that you never do anything, Alyssa."

MEANWHILE.
She ALWAYS notices when my little brother does something.
Seriously.
She's blind to anything I do.
And it sucks.
Back to cleaning.
Hopefully she'll notice something, this time.

Do you think she'd notice if I just burned everything? x.x

kiss my eyes.

2009-08-13T16:17:00.000-07:00

Listening To : Prelude 12/21 -- AFI
Activity[s] : Looking for a new house... nothing, really.

So.
My summer. Has been pretty much.. Boring. Yeah.
I havent really done anything, gone anywhere, made any huge change in myself or my life...
Sure, the first month was chock full of drama, confusion, and me trying to figure out what the hell was going on with my life, but that doesn't really count, considering it all got worked out...

Meanwhile, all that stupid drama left me with fewer friends than I can count on one hand that I can go out and do anything with, and a tendency to recall amusing memories about people who I haven't talked to in two months, which gets awkward stares from whoever Im talking to.
"Hahaha. Once, Wishiah and I..."
And my mother just sits there and raises one eyebrow, like "Why do you keep talking about her if you say she pisses you off so much?"
And then Im like "... Oh yeah. Well. She was my best friend, I guess.."
But its still awkward. Which sort of sucks. But oh well.

Whenever I see ads for the Hannah Montana movie, I get all sentimental, and look back on that movie as being the last thing all of us did together as friends...
I think it was the night of Junior/Senior [aka Anacapa's lame version of prom]... Anyway.

My new task is to find us a place to live.
Which is NOT an easy task, I'll have you know. Its like, nearly impossible, actually.
Its so freakishly expensive to live in Santa Barbara, finding a place to rent under $2500 is VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
Okay thats a lie. But Im really picky. But still. Virtually impossible.
Though I found one around the corner from school. Which seems kind of creepy, to be honest. But whatever. xD
I found some other ones, too, but whatever.

...
Im really tired of being bored, you know that.
Bleh.
Ill add more later.
I TOTALLY WILL, TOO. I promise.

it'd be tragic, if those evil robots win.

2009-07-26T19:27:00.000-07:00

You Are The Moon
The Hush Sound

Shadows all around you,
as you surface from the dark.
Emerging from the gentle grip
of night's unfolding arms.

Darkness, darkness everywhere,
do you feel all alone?
The subtle grace of gravity,
the heavy weight of stone.

You don't see what you possess,
a beauty calm and clear.
It floods the sky and blurs the darkness
like a chandelier.

All the light that you possess
is skewed by lakes and seas.
The shattered surface,
so imperfect,
is all that you believe.

I will bring a mirror,
so silver, so exact.
So precise, and so pristine,
a perfect pane of glass.

I will set the mirror up,
to face the blackened sky.
You will see your beauty
every moment that you rise.

xxx

Drinking : Purple Monster!
Activity[s] : Music hunting!

I seriously think that may be one of the prettiest goddamn songs I have ever heard.
Im like, in awe. Its freaking gorgeous, and I absolutely adore it.

Ive been having an interesting time of things, lately.
People from my past are coming back to haunt me.
And then I end up having to break up with someone Im not even dating.
I shouldn't have to justify why I refuse to cheat, but for some reason, I did.
And it was horrible.
[this is alex, im talking about, by the way. stupid manwhore.]

HER NAAAAME. IS YOSHIIIMEEEH.
Shes a blackbelt in karate! [hay hay!]
Working for the ci-taaay,
shes got to discipline her bodyyy.
Cause she knows that.
Its demandinggg.
To deeeefeeeat, those evil machinnees.
I know she can beat them!
Oh Yoshimeeeh, they dont believe meeeh!
But you wont let those robots eat meeeh! Yoshimeeeeh!

The best song, possibly ever.
I mean, how can you beat a line like "She knows she has to defeat them, so shes taking lots of vitamins!"
Good job, Yoshimi.

I dont really have anything idiotic to tell you, to be honest. o.o

oooh all i ever wanted.

2009-07-22T14:31:00.000-07:00

Listening To : Camilla -- Basshunter [YES. WIN. :D]
Drinking : WATER.
Activity[s] : Drawing...

Today.
Is an AMAZING day. Like really.
Im freaking HAPPY.

1. Ive got my boyfriend back.
Officially.
As in, he [being the silly boy he is] asked me out yesterday.
Which is amusing, because its not like we weren't 'together' anyway, but thats coo'!
Im happy. :D

2. Tomorrow it will have been six months since he asked me out originally.
And thats a REALLY LONG TIME.
Says the girl whose never had a relationship longer than a month and 3 weeks [or something].
Im so impressed with myself.
Thats half a YEAR.
1/34th of my ENTIRE LIFE.
... Yeah.

3. Basshunter is my new Swedish lover.
Seriously.
So I downloaded his first album [which is mostly in Swedish. Swedish = REALLY NOT EASY TO SING], and its freaking amazing.
I love it a lot. :D

4. Its beautiful and sunny and warm.
But for once, it ISNT too hot.
Like, its been miserable lately.
But today, its nice. Mild. Warm enough to be pleasant, but not so hot Im a nasty sweaty bitch. xD

5. Im spending the night at a beachhouse tonight. :D
And then I get to go to work with my dad tomorrow.
DOUBLE WHAMMY!

6. I did a really good job on my eye makeup.

7. I like to draw.
And so when I do, it makes me happy. :D

Yeah. So thats pretty much it.
Im in a good mood about a million other things, but theyre all sort of insignificant and/or spiteful and bitchy.
Ahahahaha.
I really am a spiteful bitch to people who slight me, you have no idea.
I have absolutely no regret about it, either.
So don't mess with me! :DDDD
You'll be fine, if you don't. It coo'. Cause Im a nice person. ^^

Oh but.
The only thing is.
Im sort of really dreading school next year.
Because I sort of have no friends..
I got kicked out of the clique. My clique.
And they all sort of hate me.
SOOOO.
Im going to be a little orphan next year! D:
I dont know what to do, haha.
I'll have to find someone to latch on to.
OR. Be deliciously independent. But that doesnt sound like much fun, so I dunno.

I like being in love.
For once.
♥

everybody come alive.

2009-06-29T13:33:00.001-07:00

Listening To : Feel The Vibe -- Afrika Bambaataa [random.]
Eating : Raspberries!
Activity[s] : Embroidering, browsing dA, texting!

This song is mega catchy.
Also.
Check out whats on my clipboard...

"Every month, I look up and think, "Those crazy nuns. I wonder what they're going to do next."

Yeah, I dont really understand it either. I was looking at... I dont even know.
But apparently there's a Nuns Having Fun calendar.
That i WANT.

But I think April is getting me the book for my birthday, so it all work--

MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW.

Ill be seventeen.
Ive wanted to be seventeen for YEARS.
It was always a much bigger deal than sixteen...
Dude.
Im getting old.
Shit.
Though Im hardly one to talk...
All the people I went to elementary school with are seniors / turning 18 this year.
Like Kate Cordeniz? Her birthday is in November...
Damn.
I feel so young, hahahaha.

By the way.
This is my new favourite thing in the entire world.

Yeah, I don't get it either. But its what dreams are made of.

I WENT ICESKATING THE OTHER DAY.
Good god, so NOT my thing.
I had such a hard time..
Id never been iceskating in my life. Or rollerblading, for that matter.
So it was this completely foreign thing to me...

And my legs still hurt REALLY bad.
But.
I only fell once!
And I can blame Wishiah...
For pulling me sideways or distracting me or something.
Rofl.
She fell once too, because I made her dance to a song.
Soooo... It all evens out. xDDDD

Uhhmmm...

Yeah I don't know what else. xDDD

a barrage of images.

2009-06-23T19:13:00.000-07:00

Is what you're gonna get. Ready, go!
[found my camera cord.]

These are in no particular order. In fact, they're OUT of order.
Damn you Blogger.

My brother and sister [Colin and Leia].

Asal and Dimitri in Yearbook. With a cup. On Dimitri's head.

PRESTON. :D

My silly, silly kitty. Who fell asleep on my bed.

Alyssa and Dimitri looking INCREDIBLY unattractive. Hahahaha.

Helicopter. Smoke. Jesusita Fire. Yes.

My street [several houses up]. Smoke. Jesusita Fire.

"Friends" : [from left] Emma, Wishiah, Emily, Michelle, Preston, Libby, Debbie

Outtake of previous picture! :D [to left: Asal]

Flowers. Quite obviously. In Malibu, I believe.

So there ya go.
Some random pictures that sort of document my sort-of life in the past couple months.
Uh huh.

Im done, now.

[MY BIRTHDAY IS IN 7 DAYS OMG.]

i don't mind...

2009-06-22T18:18:00.000-07:00

Rainy Monday
Shiny Toy Guns

I don't mind
You’re someone that ain't mine
But someone that I'll get
And you don't know how
Hard I've tried
To convince myself that I
Can easily forget

But you left this feeling
Here inside me
One that never fails to find me...

On a rainy Monday
...i feel it inside of me
Like the days of summer...

On a rainy Monday
..I feel it inside me
In the hopes of one day...

I won't lie
I still can't say that I
Admit we went too far
And you won't see me change my mind
But I really wish that I
Could forget the way you are

But you left this feeling here inside me
The battle in my mind still fights me

I can see that you're not beside me
But I still feel you shine inside of me

xx

The opening line startled me enough to look up the lyrics.
Theyre quite interesting.
Take the meaning of their signifigance however you will.

until i can see nothing at all.

2009-06-19T12:47:00.000-07:00

Listening To : November -- Azure Ray
Eating : Wheat Thins! :D
Activity[s] : Embroidering... Yeah.

Embroidery. I loves it.

See?

Yeaaahaaahh. :D
Its cute.
Its like.
Well you'll see! :D
Im not going to spoil it. Ill just take pictures every couple days, so you can see my epic progression skills. Thats two days, right thurr. While doing other things, of course. xD
But Ill tell you this much.

Theres a slice of cheese in it. ;D Awesome, no?

Anyway.
Moving on.

My face feels amazing.
Cause yesterday I got bored, so I decided to test the merits of kitchen dermatology.
So I steamed my face, exfoliated it with baking soda, ran a cotton ball dipped in overly-steeped peppermint tea over it, and then covered the whole thing in honey [which was DELICIOUS].
And now my skin is like. Lovely.
Its all smooth and nice. (:
Random, yes.
Awesome, though.

Uhhhh.
I just called Nik.
And left a message, of course, cause he doesn't believe in picking up.
And I know he wont return my call.
But I dont care anymore. Its the thought that counts. And now it wont be nagging me, and I can say I did it.
Cause he graduated this year and all. :p
That boy.
Pfft.
Im never going to see him again, I swear it.

... I like boys. ♥

are you doing okay?

2009-06-06T10:34:00.000-07:00

Listening To : Kristy, Are You Doing Okay?
Activity[s] : Writing.

I am suddenly an incredibly large fan of the idea of performance reviews.
The mandatory responsibility to explain to a person what they are doing wrong before you can fire them.
So they have a chance to fix it.
So they can at least see it coming.
Because if they know they're doing something wrong, and they care about their job..
They'll try to fix it.
They'll do whatever they can to fix it.
Instead of one day, finding themselves without that job they love, and they think they're succeeding at.
Because it simply isn't fair to just expect someone to know what they're doing wrong.
It isn't fair to just say "You've been doing this wrong for x months, sorry, we're gonna have to let you go."

Tears And Rain
James Blunt

How I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
How I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Tears and Rain.

Tears and Rain.

Far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

"I think what hurts the most is that you'll have no regret, and you won't miss me a bit."
"What does this mean to you. Last night I went for a walk.. I was not really paying attention to where I was going, then I looked up, and I was on your front porch."

To be honest?
I dont know what that means to me.
He never further explained it..
Just left it at that.
What could that mean, anyway? Dude.
He's just in the habit? He subconsciously missed me somehow? He had something to say? He's merely trying to make me feel worse? Better? Guilty? What..?
I don't like vague, oblique statements like that. I don't like to have to wonder.
Because then all I can DO is wonder, and slowly drive myself absolutely insane.

He says I still have him. He says Im his best friend.
I feel like a pretty shitty best friend.
And. I don't want him as a best friend. I dont want to be "like Wishiah".
I want to be like Alyssa.

Which is why I say I don't think he'll regret it, or miss me.
As far as he's concerned, Im still close to him, and he's a hell of a lot happier.
So what is there to regret?
Nothing.
Because, you know. I'll get over it! I'll be totally fine with it, definitely.
And everything will be just peachy.

HAH.

2009-06-05T17:34:00.000-07:00

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

I might be single.
But I might not be.
I really really really dont want to be.
Really.

SCRATCH THAT.
I AM SINGLE.
Ooooh Im so pissed off.

But at the same time.
[no, im not gonna say i want to be.]
I dont wanna be the stupid, clingy, crying, desperate FEMALE anymore.
Im fucking sick of it.
No way in hell.

BY THE WAY.
I love my friends.
They kick so much ass. ♥

pretty thoughts and tattered shreds.

2009-06-04T23:22:00.000-07:00

My heart is is just a pretty sculpture, made of nice ideas and bits of others' I've left in my wake.
Anything that was ever mine was obliterated long ago, without a single piece left to gather up.
And to love with this hollow, porcelain heart is a decadent, fragile thing.
Because the slightest mishandling can leave it permanently fractured.

Reciprocation is everything.
Without it, love is nothing.
Without it, words may as well be falling upon deaf ears, gestures upon blind eyes.
Without it, my thoughts mean as much as a broken wing.
They may be there, but they're not going to get anyone very far.
Because it just won't matter.

The spiteful part of me wants to say everything Ive been keeping locked in that porcelain heart.
The hell I put myself through, to even allow myself to love.
The guilt Ive had to endure. The awkward moments of a lingering depression. The inability to speak.
To paint the picture of the deathmatch against my mind, my rational thought.
To throw that black paint at the canvas, to try, somehow, to share the pain.
And yet, even in the face of being dragged down into guilt and remorse.
I cannot bring myself to deliver that blow.
I cannot bring myself to be spiteful.
I cannot even let a foreign tongue cast a negative light upon that dragging hand.
Even though my porcelain heart has been turned to dust, I cannot let go.
I never can.

Sometimes, I don't think I'll ever be okay.
The damage left by one cannot be repaired by another.
And the damage done by another will only add to the damage done by the first.
And so the cycle goes.
And the damage worsens.
And this pretty porcelain heart is remade.
New ideals are added into the mixture, and new shreds of hearts are used as a mold.
But the integrity only weakens.

Someday, I'll reach the end.
And the damage will be impossible to overlook.
And the neverending task of rebuilding this heart will cease.
And I'll find a hollow peace.
Forever lacking the one thing I crave more than anything.
Something to fill that hollow heart of mine.
Thoughtfulness.
Respect.
Caring.
Love.
You.
♥

why cant you see it?

2009-06-04T15:03:00.000-07:00

See the mirror in your eyes
See the truth behind your lies
Your lies are haunting me
See the reason in your eyes
Giving answer to the why
Your eyes are haunting me

Falling in and out of love
in love, in love
Falling in and out of love
your love, your love

Why can't you see it?
Why can't you feel?
In and out of love each time

You keep keep runnin'
I keep keep fallin'
Let it fade away.

Away away away away
Oh let it fade away

In And Out of Love -- Armin van Buuren
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxvpctgU_s8

There have been multiple times in my life when I just have no idea what to do or think or say.
This is one of them.
I feel like my life is falling apart, yet on perfectly stable ground.
Everyone is drifting away, and I feel like they are turning their backs ; but I also feel like Im pushing.
I have bouts of suicidal thoughts, but I don't think Ive been happier in a long time.
I love life, and yet I feel like I should be better than I am.

Something isn't right, and I dont know what it is.

LOL IM SO BORED SURVEY SAAAAAAYS.

2009-05-11T22:49:00.000-07:00

How old was the last person you texted?
15. Eehee. ;D

Where did you get your shoes?
Im not /wearing/ shoes.
But the ones I wear EVERY SINGLE DAY were $2.50 at Old Navy! Hahaha.

Are you wearing make up?
Yeah. I sort of always am..

Could you last in the armed services?
HELLZ NAH.

What do you want?
... My squee. :/

What are you doing right now?
Supposed to be doing Algebra II homeworkkk.
But I got distracted.
So instead Im having fun typing to the tune of Let It Rock.

Do you talk to people you meet online?
... Ahahahahahahahahahaha. Hahaha. Haha. Ha. Hahaha. Ha. -cough-

Are you hungry?
Just had dinner.
BUT IM HUNGRY FOR PIE! :D

What was the last movie you watched?
... I KNOW THIS ONE. -concentrates-
Possibly Lion King? Haha we got bored on Thursday when there was no school.
"What do you wanna do?"
"I dunno."
"Yeah me either."
"Uh..."
"LETS WATCH LION KING!"
"HAHA. Okay?"
"YES. WERE GOING TO! YES YES. OKAY."
[guess which one was me. >.>]

Are you currently eating or drinking anything?
... No. But. Like I mentioned before. Im pining after my pie... :/

Where is your phone?
In my lap. Im trying to think of something to say. :p

Do you miss anyone?
... -cry-

What was the last thing you heard?
Well, considering Im listening to music...

Who was the last person you kissed?
OH I WONDER. HMMMM.

What are you listening to?
Snuff On Digital -- Blaqk Audio

What is your dream job?
Architect / Interior Designerrr.

What are the last 2 numbers in your number?
-thinks of number-
...-..88!

What are you thinking about?
Answering this question, tbh.
Buuuutttt. Eh.

Do you have any piercings?
NO. I FAIL. LOL. D:

Are you attractive?
I was today. Shhiittt.
Of course, I didn't go to school. D'oh!

What color is your toothbrush?
White. With purple accents, motherfuckahhh!

When was the last time you smiled?
Kind of a while ago, considering.. Like, 20 minutes at least.

Are you open?
No, but my legs are!
Oh god, Im kidding. xD
... Bummer, I know. ):

What color is your computer?
Black?
LOL NO, ITS OBVIOUSLY HOT PINK, DONTCHAKNOW.
Wtf kind of question is that? Goof ball.

Are you messy?
Haha, yesssss.
If youve seen my room, you would know.

Do you drink?
"Not alcohol." - April
I can see you now. "LOL WHY YES, I DRINK WATER. I AM HUMAN, YOU KNOW, YOU SILLY GOOSE."
Dorkasaurus.
But no. It makes me sick before I get drunk. Lame? Yes. Worth it? No.

What search engine do you use?
Google?
[lol alyssa, not goodle. typinggg isuueesssss.]

When was the last time you were angry?
Uhhh.
When my mum was being all moody when I was a) meringuing my pie, b) talking on the phone, and c) singing My Shiny Teeth and Me [shiny teeth, shiny teeth!].
Cliff can testify to that. ;D
SHINY TEETH THAT SPARKLEEE, JUST LIKE THE STARS IN SPACEEEEEEEE.

What is your favorite commercial?
Oh geez.
I dont even know.

How many people are under the letter a in your address book?
Nine! :D
Aisha, Alex, Alexandra, Amanda, Anna, April, Asal, Aubrey, and my Auntie Sara. :D

Do you use hair gel?
... Ew?

What are 5 things that begin with the first letter of your name?
First five things that come to mind, GO!
Ageless Termites [?? wtf, mind.]
Antonio..s? [the plural of Antonio...]
Afghans [also, afghanis! from afghanistan! ... do they have many afghans in afghanistan?]
Apricots [i like them.]
ASAL! [eeeeee! :DDDDD]

What is your favorite resturant?
Errrr. I have a lot.
ONE OF THE ASIAN ONES, THOUGH. FER SURE. :D

When was the last time you checked your myspace?
Last week. I dont use it anymore.. Can you tell?

When was the last time you had butterflies?
"When was the last time you hated butterflies?" -- What I read.
"NEVER?! D:" -- My response to my misreading.
"Saturday night." -- My actual answer to the ACTUAL question.

What was the last thing you got in the mail?
... Hahaha panties?

Are you happy?
I TOTALLY AM.
I would be happier with a) my pie [ITS STILL COOLING. D:] and b) my boyfriend, but whatever.

Do you have a favorite color?
Why, yes!
[I love how it doesn't ask what it is, though..]

Are your nails painted?
Mmhm.
Right hand = Silver
Left hand = Pink
Toes = Coral...?

Do you own any expensive clothing?
... Probably.

When was the last time you danced?
TODAY. WHILE MAKING PIE AND DRINKING BEANER SODA.
TO SHINY TEETH.
I DONT CARE WHAT YOU SAY, ITS THE BEST SONG EVER.
CHIP SKYLARK. HES A DREAMBOAT! -swoon-

Do you ever wax?
... No. BUT.
I should. :p

Do you straighten your hair?
Yeah.
I have to.
Ahahaha. POOF-MASTAH.
OMG THATS YOUR NEW NICKNAME, AMANDA.
I love you. ♥

Do you know how to swim?
... Yah?

Are you excited about anything?
Summer, fer sure. ♥

When was the last time you saw your best friend?
Who IS my best friend?!?!
Wishiah - Wednesday
Emma - Wednesday
April - ...? [in my dream three nights ago!]
Cliff - ...? [... IN MY IMAGINATION, LOL. ... creepy! D:]
I DONT KNOW. TOO STRESSFUL. DDDDDD:

What was the last text you sent?
"I can.. I do. I do, baby, I do."

Well that was special!
... I really should get back to that homework now.
BUT IM SORRY I DONT HAPPEN TO KNOW WHAT the cosine of 5pi/3 is.
SORRY.

... Okay now I have to figure it out, just to prove myself to you people.
-does math-

5pi/3 is 300 degrees... The reference angle would be 60...
Fouth quadrant cosine is positive...
Positive cosine of 60 [or pi/3] issss 1/2 ?
-checks-
-switches calculator to radians-
cos(5pi/30) = .5
YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER. See, I CAN do math! You should be shocked and amazed!
The cosine of 5pi/3 is officially 1/2.
And thats worth bolding. :p

... 17pi/3. Thats certainly not on the circle.
God damn this stupid homework!

Oh radian circle, thou hast failed me!

Anyway.
Uhhhh.
I dunno.
Not really up for blogging, atm. xD

TAH! ♥

now darling, don't lose your head.

2009-05-04T16:19:00.000-07:00

Speeding Cars
Imogen Heap
[thank you April! ♥]

Here's the day you hoped would never come
Don't feed me violence
just run with me through rows of speeding cars.
The papercuts the cheating lovers
The coffee's never strong enough
i know you think it's more than just bad luck

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

Sleeping pills know sleeping dogs lie
never far enough away
Glistening in the cold sweat of guilt
I've watched you slowly winding down for years
You can't keep on like this...
now's a bad a time as any

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me.. it was a long time ago

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..

it's ok by me..it was a long time ago

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't lose your head
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

There there baby
it's just text book stuff
it's in the ABC of growing up
Now now darling
oh don't kill yourself
cause none of us were angels
and you know I love you yeah

-incoherent African chanting-

2009-05-03T13:16:00.000-07:00

Listening To : Instrumental Lion King music! :D
Eating : Top Ramen.. ♥
Activity[s] : Procrastinating [as usual], reading Owen Meany

Dude I'm so excited.
I get to read A Prayer for Owen Meany [why does blogger not have an underline button?] for Literature.
Granted, I have to lie and say Ive never read it before [I did, in 8th grade. Finished it on the plane ride back from DC], but whateverrr. I don't remember it anyway.
But I'm so happy.
And Beth was like, to Libby and I, "I'm almost jealous of you guys, getting to just start experiencing the book.."
Shes so cute. xD
My mum recommended it to me, cause her friend Allison recommended it to her, and yeah. Fun stuff.
[I keep spelling recommended with two c's. o.o]
Anyway. I have to read 43 pages today, so that's cool. :p
Its independent reading, and we set our own schedule.. Yay for reading a 540-page book, for school, in a month. :p
I could read it in a weekend, sure, but whatever. Its still silly. xD So many pages! kjflkhg.

Uhhm.
I really like Lion King music.
Dude. Its so sad.
I listen to it, and it calms me down.
I have a newfound tendency to ignore the dialouge when I watch the movie, and just listen to the music in the background.
-idiot-

Oh oh oh.
So.
Preston & I went to my grandmother's for dinner last night. Which was horrible, because we're both terrified of her, ahaha.
Shes a bitch to me, and she doesn't trust him further than she could throw him. And considering hes a good foot taller than her, and shes old, I doubt she could even pick him up.
But anyway. She neglected to tell me [us] that my dad, Kerri, and the kids were coming too. Thanks, grandma.
Kerri really doesn't like Preston. Like, really. Its sort of sad.
HOWEVER.
MY LITTLE SIBLINGS DO. It was really cute.
They were all apprehensive at first. But then we were playing this silly game of catch with a little ball. And it was REALLY CUTE.
Aaaah I love it.
At one point I called my mum to see if she could pick us up, and the three of them were over yonder, playing with the ball.
I was like "D'AWWWW."

[I should so be doing homework, lolol.
I have to stay up tonight and write an essay on Chronicle of a Death Foretold. CAUSE I FORGOT, LOL. It was due like.. Wednesday. xD
And then there's history.. oh shit. Damn Gordon. :p]

I GOT MY DAD A BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Its really, really awesome. And he's gonna laugh at me. ;D
His birthday is on Saturday. :D
I have to go to Papyrus this week and get cards up the wazoo.
Card List :
Mother's Day :
- Mum
- Kerri
- Wishiah [ahaha don't ask.]
- Grandmothersss?
Birthday :
- Dad [9th]
- Ellen [12th]
And then Cliff's birthday is coming up on the 23rd, and I better get my butt moving on finishing his damn present...
Screw me, for being so thoughtful.

[I wonder what my Italian homework for Tuesday is...]

I'm totally digging Netflix. [This blog post is so ADD, its intense. xD]
We watched Bill and Ted['s Excellent Adventure, for you lesser informed] last night.
Fucking LOVE that movie.
I watched it with Colin once.. Ahaha. My dad thought that was the coolest thing.
& I just have to finish watching Boondock Saints, now. Best movie ever. :D
I break stereotypes. ;D

OKAY LAST THING I'M GOING TO SAY BEFORE I GO AND FINISH THIS CHAPTER OF OWEN.
Okay two more, but whatever.

I still don't get logarithms. Harsh. ):

& ... Would you believe I don't even remember what the initial last thing I was going to say was?
Damn.
Good going, Alyssa. :p

Okay. I'm off. Owen, here I come.

"I told you, I'm doing English! I'm sitting here with Owen Meany in my lap!"
"WHAT?!"
"A Prayer for Owen Meany.. My English book?"
"... Oh. Yeah. Right."

[hi random british dude! :D]

change everything you are.

2009-04-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

Listening To : Butterflies and Hurricanes -- Muse
Drinking : Water!
Activity[s] : Embroidering, waiting for the heater to warm the bathroom, being sick.

I believe I shall start with the cutest conversation ever.

"Every time you fall asleep on me, I fall for you that much more."
"Every time I fall asleep on you, I fall for you more and more.. Also, it happens to be the best, most relaxing sleep I have ever had."
"Well, Im glad. I think its so sweet, that you trust me enough to fall asleep, leaving yourself that vulnerable."
"If I dont have you next to me, All I can do is toss and turn, and think about how you can relax me and bring me to peace with everything.."

Im so in love with that kid.
Its kind of silly. Like. How does that sort of thing happen to me?
And Im so completely focused on him, and him alone. Not like in the past.. -cough-
Ooooh Preston. -shakes head-

He really did fall asleep, with his head on my shoulder.
Its SO CUTE. Omg. How am I supposed to wake him up, anyway?
Would you? NO. YOU WOULDNT. See? Point exactly. ;D
It makes me feel loved. ♥

Anyway.
Other than having an amazing boyfriend..

My life is kind of fucked.

#1. Im doing horribly in school.
Dunno how or why, but I only have a 3.3 [roughly], and I keep missing school cause I keep getting sick.
Which fucking sucks.
My dad got a warning letter about my attendance the other day, and now Im like "... Shit."
How is it that other people can miss so much school, but I cant?
Ugh. Not cool. ):
But yeah. My grades.
I dunno.
Im trying!
I just have no motivation to do anything. Sound familiar?
Yeah, I thought so too. :/

#2. I keep feeling like Im losing all my friends.
We kicked Leah out of our group for being a WHORE, so that doesn't really count.
But last night, Emma said that she didn't like how she never talked to me cause I was always with Preston.
Nevermind the fact Id spent 2 hours on the phone with her the night before, making sure she was okay, and doing everything I could to cheer her up.
Its just sort of rude to be like "OH LOL. HOLD ON, BABE. IM GONNA TALK ON THE PHONE AND COMPLETELY IGNORE YOU."
& I dont know what she expects me to do. ):
Oh well.

OH AND THEN.
I found out Puteri is in Dallas today, and then this weekend is going to be in LA.
LA! LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA. You know, that state where I live.
Of course, it makes no difference. After two years of being like "OMG I WISH I COULD MEET YOU!", etc, when she is within two hours of my house, she doesnt tell me.
I promptly burst into tears, and cried for a loooong time.
I guess that makes it official. I lost my once-best friend ever. And that kills me.
I'll hate myself over that forever. And ever.
I never thought I'd lose her over a simple disagreement in our opinions on something like that..
I thought it'd take more than that.

#3. My antidepressant ISNT WORKING!
Fuck that!
So Im all like, suicidal and stuff.
Which SUCKS.
That, and I overreact to everything, so I keep getting all pissed off at everyone, and then I feel REALLY BAD about it.
Only, I dont. Its more like "I know I should feel bad, but I really dont, but Ill say I do, because I KNOW I SHOULD."
Sucks. Majorly. ):

So what else.
Uhm.
ALYSSA, WHEREFORE ART THOU FAILURE.
BUT. Its not all failure!
I promise thee!

Like. Positive things :
- My boyfriend is amazing?
- Im having fun living with my mum.
- I HAVE A NEW HOBBY. Embroidery!

- I got Netflix, so I can watch whatever the hell I want!
- Ive been talking to April a lot lately.
- I have a date with Emma on Saturday.
- I survived the synthesis thing! [ITS TRUE! I DID!]
- Im goregous?

As a parting note.
Im trying to figure out what my definite, 100% fool-proof turn-ons are.
And I dont really have any, I think.
Which is kind of stupid. :p

Now. For a cute picture of me. :D

Isnt that tiara adorable!?
It was seven bucks.
How awesome is that.

& Sorry I always forget to blog!
I'll try and be better about remembering, I promise you. :p
Im just.. An idiotttt. ♥

[by the way. if you ever wondered. i dont get comments on my entries because most of the people who read my blog talk to me about it on msn.
however, i like comments. they're positive reinforcement! DO IT.]

ooooh.

2009-04-03T17:56:00.000-07:00

Listening To : Starts With One -- Shiny Toy Guns
Eating : Milk chocolate truffles.
Activity[s] : MSN, Facebook, etc. Hanging out..

#1: Im in love! :D
#2: I had my appendix removed. o.o
#3: Im dedicated to fixing my life.
#4: I want to dye my hair!

uhhh..

2009-03-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

Listening To : LION KING MUSIC. :D
Activity[s] : MSN, homework?, lol yeah.

Oh geez.
I dont even know what to think right now, rofl.

I had a good day!
I cleaned my room! O:
Well, started, anyway.
Got pretty far, too.
Shit its so nice.
Im happy. xD

Aaand theeeennnn.
My Papou Steve [grandpa, lol]'s birthday is tomorrow, so they had a bbq up at his house today.
And he specifically asked my mum if she could see if I could go.
So I totally went. ;D
Aaaand I brought Preston. Yay me! xDD
It was fun, too.
As per usual, mum and I were sort of the black sheep, cause we always are, especially when its my Aunt Karen, Courtney, and Christopher.. I dont like them much. :/
But its was awesome nonetheless.
We watched the Laker game, and hung out..
And my uncle Tom & my Papou seem to like the boy, so thats a plus.
Papou wants us to come up there and hang out. ^^ I love him, I really do. xD

Plus, Im seriously falling for the boy.
Its sort of insane.
I dont even know, lol.
Really.
o.o

But theeennn.
We got back to my house, and my dad and Kerri weren't here.
And we're not supposed to be here when they're not. Cause.. we're just not. lol.
[apparently its because kerri was a ho when she was my age, and doesn't think i would be any different..? ugh. i hate that.]
But the thing is. My dad NEVER told me he wouldn't be here. So I sort of had to walk into possibly getting in trouble.
Which pisses me off.
He texted me like "We're on our way, better bail!"
And I was like "... Excuse me?"
Anyhow. I just barely got Preston out the side door, before they walked in the other one. WAY too stressful.
And I felt horrible. He thinks Kerri hates him, and fuck, its no secret why.
Plus, its no fun to half-kick your boyfriend out the door, into pitch blackness, with an "Okay. Be quiet. See you later."

I got so pissed at my dad.
I was like "Dude. That was fucked up. Way too stressful. You didn't fucking tell me you weren't going to be here. How am I supposed to respect the rules when I dont know Im breaking them?"
He was like "Uh, well.. I swear I told you we were at Leah's."
And Im just like "Uh. No. Not so much."
Bleh.
And then I was like "Dude. Its no fucking wonder why he thinks Kerri hates him. The only input he ever indirectly gets from her is that he shouldnt be here. You'd think she hated you, too!"
Bleh again.

Lol I have homework to do.
But.
This last thing is important.

LEAH [not the above Leah, thats Dad and Kerri's friend. This is OUR friend Leah.] is a fucking bitch.
Okay so.
Apparently.
She likes Preston.
She told him so.
She told him. And dude. Girls very rarely tell a guy they like him if theyre not expecting something from it. Especially in Leah's case.
And she's clingy as fuck.
And now.
Shes talking shit about me.
And bringing Cliff into the picture.
When she doesn't even know how hard Im trying to have him not interfere with this.
Ugggghhhh.
Its sickening!
Because even though I know, she won't admit to it. She thinks she's going behind my back.

AND WHAT MAKES IT WORSE.
She asked out Doug yesterday.
And he said yes.
So then what the fuck does that mean.
She apparently "can't decide" between Preston and Douglas.
And I just want to kill her.

What the hell kind of friend is that?

uhh..

2009-03-18T07:03:00.000-07:00

Listening To : The clinking of the dishes being put away..
Drinking : CHOCOLATE MILK.

Ahahahaha. Blogging in the morning is such a special experience.
I have to keep stopping to do stuff Im supposed to do. :p

Anyhow.
This has been bugging me.

I dont write this for the benefit of those whom I see every day [grammar is win!].
Its written for the people I adore that don't have that privelege.
Juuuust for the record. x.x
And.
What I write here isn't what I want to be judged on.
If I write it here, its for people who know me, and know how I work, to read and be like "Oh, okay.", because I never get a chance to talk to them.
God damn it, dont criticize what I tell my best friends!
I can tell them whatever the hell I want.
Im a girl.
Give me a freaking break.
/rant

ANYWAY.
I am such a girl.
My planner is full of cute little notes to myself, and random days are circled on the yearly overview. ;D

AND. 23 is STILL my favourite number, and will always be.
Its the most amazing number everrr. ♥

Uhhhhm.
Lets see.
I know I haven't talked to any of you guys in forever, Im sorry! D:
I miss you!
Ive been so freaking busy, and then been falling asleep at the most idiotic times... Like 9.30. ):

My mum and her new boyfriend [INORITE. she finally got one she likes!] are so much fun to hang around.
Its kind of silly. ;D
Theyre so adorable, omg.
And he's SO nice, and so good for both her and Perry.
Its pretty fan-freaking-tastic.

Uhh..
Today is Colin's 6th birthday. :D
Crazy, eh?
Hes getting OLD. D:

omg have to go.

and so another journey..

2009-03-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

has come to an end.

Listening To : Where The Moss Slowly Grows -- Tiger Army [Jade Puget Remix]
Activity[s] : Supposed to be writing my history essay..

One thing I really hate.
When I have to act like people are my friends when they aren't.
Seriously.

"She's acting like you're alright. Like it was before the fight. But it's.. different."
"I don't feel like its the same at all. Its completely different, and not about to turn back. But its trying to be the same."
"There ya go, that's it."
"Yeah."

I don't know what to do.
She's going to figure it out, you know?
And then the drama shall continue.
It always does.
Its a friendship slated for disaster. :/

take only what you need from it. [aka: -squeee!-]

2009-03-09T21:41:00.000-07:00

Listening To : Kids -- MGMT
Activity[s] : Homework, Facebooking [msn is fucked..]
Drinking : DIET COKE. ♥

Ooooh my.
What has happened..
Fuck if I know.
All I can say is.

Even though there are people blatantly against it.
Im fucking loving my relationship [w/ preston, if youre confused] right now. (:
My boyfriend is adorable.
Yeah.
I went there.
Cause I am having so much freaking FUN with this one.
Its so amazing.
And Im happy. Which is also amazing. Startling, even.
Startling that nothing is getting in the way of it [-cough-]. Im trying really hard, though. (:
Just like I said I would.
And its workinggg!
And its SO worth it.
^ stupid paragraph.

Cuteness squee story timeee.

Today.
We were sitting in history study hours.
[i had moved up one row, cause i was like "aaah youre too far away."]
And hes like ".. Do you have to walk home?"
And Im like "Yeah, probably."
Cause my family was out of town [until about an hour ago], and my friends had gone home earlier.
And hes like "... I could walk you."
So he walked me the nine blocks back up to my house. ♥
Twas so sweet, ahahaha. I told Emma, and she was like "AAAAAAAAAAAH."
Which then made me go "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH."
And it was just a stupid scene of.. stupidity.

I dont know.
I just feel like Im freakishly lucky, although there are people who'd beg to differ.
Hes just so sweet.

Now.
If you're Wishiah, you hate me.
):
She says she isnt, but she's so wildly against this its scary.
She came to the conclusion that she's just going to avoid us when were within ten feet of eachother.
Because she simply cannot bear it! -dramatic swoon-
Which is freaking stupid, and awkward, and horrible, and makes things bad. ):
"I dont want to be his friend."
And then Emma said it seems like shes trying to steal him from me...
[to which my response was "even if she was, she wouldnt be able to! ;D"]
God I dont even know.
Of course.
The one thing thats making me mega happy would tear me and one of my best friends apart.
Bleh.

But you know what.
What-the FUCK-ever, man.
I dont give a shit anymore.
Im fucking HAPPY, and if anyone is going to ruin it, its going to be ME.
And its not. :D

motherfucker.

2009-02-26T19:40:00.000-08:00

Listening To : Wild World [originally by Cat Stevens], on repeat.
Activity[s] : Supposed to be doing homework...

Holy.
Fucking.
Shit.
My life has completely fallen apart in the last almost-7 days.

Pretty much the ONLY good thing thats happened is that Wishiah and I got Preston to ask me out.
And even that is shrouded in horribleness.

1. Ive ruined anything I had somehow gotten with Cliff.
He didnt even speak to me for several days, let alone be nice.
I mean. I guess it seems like I betrayed him or some such?
Fuck, I dont even know.
I could explain how it isnt that at all, but I dont really feel up to it.
Anyway.
Now hes in this whole "I just need to help you fix all the stuff Ive broken", etc etc.
And he is being all distant -- although, apparently hes always been distant?

2. Puteri thinks Im an idiot, and therefore will hardly talk to me.
As soon as I told her about Preston, she went all psycho on me, and started listing off reasons I shouldn't date him.
And theyre just sort of silly.
And anyway, now she thinks Im acting ridiculous, and not thinking things through.
And then she got pissed off at me for never telling her anything.
We apologized and such, but its still all fucked up. I fail.

3. My mum hates me.
I told her I didnt want to live there anymore.
She threatened to kill my cat.
I dont want to have anything to do with her, anymore.

4. I still cant concentrate on my homework.
Dont know whats going on there...

5. April hates me.
Ughhhhh.
Fuck.

Im sick of blogging.
But there you go.

cinderelly, cinderellyyyy.

2009-02-20T02:18:00.000-08:00

Listening To : Lips Like Morphine -- Kill Hannah
Eating : ... Skittles. o.o
Activity[s] : Giggling maniacally.

I am NOT TIRED, because I am FREAKING GREAT.
:DDDDDDDDDDDDD
Bahahaha.
Im so cool. I dont even know.
Okay so.

I just had a really INTERESTING conversation with Preston.
Which ended with.

"I was thinking. You're right, in that I didn't do anything because Im shy or whatever. But. Id never do anything unless I was sure that it would work out in my favor -- and of that, Im still not sure."
"Sparky, my dear. Being a girl of your caliber, things generally work out in your favor. So please dont worry yourself."

Lol I DONT EVEN KNOW.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Not a clue what the hell just happened.
I also have no clue whats going to happen. In the MORNINGGGG.
Uh ohh. Watch out.
[knowing the rest of the conversation would help, but thats what put me on the floor giggling.]

God damn it, Im hyper.
Storybook life + nothing to eat but sugar ALL DAY + PAPER FLOWERS = Woaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Lol yeah.
Ive consumed nothing but skittles and soda today.
Im SO HEALTHY. YAY ME.
Ive actually felt sick for like, 8 hours now. xD
Im so made of fail.

& Paper flowers.
Holy crappp, I went insane.
It started with me making a rose for April, who was freaking out.
The rose itself took HOURS.
Damn. Just folding the flower took forever! That shit is HARD.
And then to make the stem/leaves/etc... Dang.
[it looks fucking GREAT, though.]

And then.
I made an ENTIRE BOUQUET of what appear to be irises.
Which involved printing out custom, triangle shaped, DOUBLE SIDED paper.
That was hard enough as it was. xD
I'll take pictures of these things, at some point.
Anyway, the bouquet.
It has these cool leaves.
And I even put it in a vase!

My land.
Im happy.
I might complete my quest.
[no one is going to understand what I mean by that. ;D]

Tonight. Is a good night.
Even though I feel like Im going to be sick.
Fucking skittles. >.>

jumbles.

2009-02-18T20:40:00.000-08:00

Listening To : The Adventure -- Angels and Airwaves

So here's the deal.
After reading back through some of my blog posts, I realize they've all been useless, meaningless jumbles of nothingness.
So I figure I'll actually talk about some of that stuff that's halfway important to me, you know? Yeah.

Way back in.. whatever... I left my mum's house.
I got sick of her, etc. And just left. Poof! In the middle of the night. Byeee.
Created a shitload of drama that everyone got over, and now I am at my daddy's house.

BUT THE ISSUE IS.
My dad is moving to San Jose in July.
That's 5 hours away, for all you non-Californian folks.
Not that convenient, when I go to school in Santa Barbara, eh?
So I need somewhere to live -- that ISN'T my mother's. No one wants me back there.
Except my mother.

If you've known me, you know how completely fucked my life at my mum's is.
The power will get shut off, and the only thing I'll be able to find to eat is a SINGLE potato.
The first thing I've eaten in 2 days, at that.
The internet is a very maybe thing, and I'm never really sure if we're going to have it the next month or not..
I never, ever get to go shopping, and there would be no way she'd be able to give the the $50 a week I spend on food, if I eat the way I'm supposed to.
Plus, shes a psycho bitch to me, because our personalities conflict so much. Famously so, at that.
Sitting on the bathroom floor, in the dark, at 4 am with my laptop, because she threatened to steal it? Oh yeah.

But see, the thing is.
She expects me to go back there when my dad moves.
The stay here was originally a temporary thing -- "lets just take a break from eachother" sort of thing.
But being away from her, I see how fucking MISERABLE it is there.
And now I don't want to ever deal with that again. Ever.
But she doesn't know that -- I cant exactly tell her. Shed take it as "I feel you are unfit to be my mother."
She takes everything personally.

And even if I DON'T go back there, I don't necessarily have anywhere else to GO.
I'm sure my Grandma Pat would let me live there, but I don't know if she'd be too keen on it.
We don't always agree, and its kind of a lot of responsibility.. :/
I could live with my Grandma Judy, but she lives all the way in Carp -- very inconvenient. Living downtown is SO much better..
I could live with one of my friends, but how the hell do I ask...?
My dad jokingly suggested.. Well wait. Let me explain that, first.

So there's another, recent factor in all of this.
Cliff. Is moving to Santa Barbara in June.
Yeah.
Motherfuckin' crazy, seriously.
But yes. He's moving here. And, oddly enough, would be staying with my mother herself.
Theyre friends, or some such. [dont ask me, please. xD its complicated ; and NOT LIKE THAT]
And Mr. Johnson has been really, REALLY decent to me, lately. Like, really.
Its the most dramatic, amazing change ever. Seriously.
So you know, his presence might be enough to change stuff..?
Hell if I know.

Anyway. My dad jokingly suggested [with a "i-cant-believe-im-a-father-saying-this" precursor] living with Cliff. [and then followed it up with "BUT NO SEX!" I nearly choked on my air laughing.]
And I was like "AhahahaNO. Hell no. There's NO way I would put THAT much responsibility on that poor boy. Hes only 19."
And my dad and Dr. Geis laughed. xD
AT LEAST IM REALISTIC.
Im sure it would be lovely, but if we fucked something up.. Id be homeless. Or miserable. Or both.
You know. Always thinking of the possibilities. ;D

If you should have any ideas about what the fuck I should do, I'd love to hear them?

I mean really.
NO ONE in my ENTIRE family wants me to go back to my mother's, except my mother herself.
Everyone knows its an awful situation.
I could, technically, go up north with my daddy, but that would mean COMPLETELY starting over in terms of school/friends/life/etc, AND a custody battle with my mother [over a 17 year old. idiotic? i think yes.]
The other solution is to find somewhere for me to live -- but where? I dont want to live in Carpinteria, I fucking HATE that town. Im sorry. And who wants to take on another kid, essentially? :/ My daddy would pay, of course, but still..
And how the FUCK do I tell my mother?!

Then, on top of that, I have typical Alyssa troubles. :p
Liking boys I cannot understand.
Hating being single, with a passion. Its been a YEAR. 12 months!
Im a Cancer, I crave love and affection. I cannot deal with life without it. Fuck me. [not fuck me, just.. damn me to hell.]
And it doesn't help that the one boy I like [well, that I see every day] is so fucking CONFUSING AND FRUSTRATING.
I have never been so positive in my life that its a hopeless endevour.
I think I was even hopeful about Alex Robitaille. That should show you how HOPELESS THIS IS.
/spazz

I guess that's more meaningful?

you have an imaginary face!

2009-02-18T14:15:00.000-08:00

... Ive ended up in a meeting.
See, Im spending the day at my dad's office.
And Ive been hanging out in a meeting room all day. And then Herb came in, wanting to have a meeting in it.
But they didn't make me leave.
So I didn't! :D
So yeah.
Im sitting here, laptop in my lap [nowai.], listening to the stupidest meeting I have ever heard.
Its so.. random?

"Have you been to the plants?"
"They all died, or got taken away."
"What?"
"We have no one to take care of them."
-odd looks-
"YEAH. We got rid of all of our plant-watering people, too."
"We should have a log sheet! One cupful of water per plant."
"YES OKAY."

They started out the meeting by spending 10 minutes on despair.com.
It was.. really exciting.

"OKAY GUYS. We have a guest! We need to impress her -- show that we actually -do- do work."

.. Alright. This is pretty much the whole meeting, summed up.

"Well maybe this is how we could waste another 20 minutes..."
They have nothing else to do. Poor meeting-people.
... And they named a project after some dude named McQueen, but HQ thought it was Lightning McQueen?
Wtf. Okay. This is really silly.

This makes me want to work in technology! XD

ninjaaaa!

2009-02-17T17:52:00.000-08:00

Listening To : Im On A Boat -- The Lonely Island
Drinking : Vitamin Water
Activity[s] : Playing The Longest Journey, blogging [duh?]

So we went to the zoo today!
We = Alyssa, Wishiah, Emma, Emily, and Preston.
Lol it was SO MUCH FUN.
Its kind of pathetic, how much fun we can have. xD

It was pouring rain in the beginning, and so there was like, NO ONE there. God it was so freaking great. xD
Go to the zoo when no one is there, sometime.
We got to play on everything, and run and jump on shit, and be completely AWFUL.
"MOTHERFUCKER. THAT FUCKING HURT."

Sure, there was that one time Preston laughed when the little kid fell over, but you know.
Thats okay! XD

It was really, really great.
I could go on for a while about how awesome our zoo adventure was. xD
We're all just idiotic... :D

At one point, we were walking through on of the aviaries, and there's a lizard exhibit in the wall.
And Emma suddenly screams "i THINK ITS DEAD."
At which point we all turn around and run back...

Speaking of running back.
We were looking at the lions [the male was licking the female, that prompted some interesting comments..], and then moved on to the giraffes.
But then we hear this roar, look over, and the lion was standing on a rock.
So we RUN all the way back, giggling about the lions, and were like "OMG WHUT."
It was special...
Yeah. xD

Also. I have a new med. ;D
I went to Dr. F, and she was nice, and I didn't even scream at her.
Awh. How nice.

fishes got my toes.

2009-02-16T18:55:00.000-08:00

Listening To : Right Round -- Flo Rida [WIN.]
Eating : Valentine's chocolates. Still.
Activity[s] : Painting my nails, internetting, texting.

--> First order of business:
I NEED A GAME TO PLAY.
SOMEONE HALP ME, PLZ.

--> Second order of business:
I NEED SOMEONE TO KILL MY SIBLINGS.
SOMEONE HALP ME, PLZ.

-x-

Anyway.
I TOLD YOU I WOULD FINISH THAT POST.
I think thats the first time I've ever done that. ;D That being, finished a post I said I would.
Now thats just silly.

ALSO. YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED.
I changed the layout of my blog!
Isnt it pretty? Im all excited, I found an xml layout that I like, lolol. So yes. (:
I figured it was time for that, anyway.
I reworked things, and such. Like that thing over there --->
I dunno. You like?

LETTSSS SEEEEEE.
Uhhhmmmm.

OH.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with Dr. Ferguson! Who is my meds doctor, if you didnt know.
So that should be good. ;D
I can finally stop spazzing out all the time.

OH SHIT YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE IS WIN.
GHOST TOWN, BY SHINY TOY GUNS.
SHIT, SON. Thats a good song. :D

Uh what else.
Uh uh uh.

Oh. My Valentine's Day was interesting.
The first half of it was spent in tears, curled up in the leather armchair in my living room that I'd been sitting in [with someone] the night before.
The second half..
I went out to dinner with Michelle, Emily, and Leah. THAT was awesome. :D
We went to sushi.
And it was so fucking epic.
Michelle's noodles attacked everyone. xD
And then we wandered around downtown.
Leah and I posed sexily in Restoration Hardware, and then we got Pinkberry.
So that was awesome. (:

I have no school this week, so thats pretty awesome. ;D

Tomorrow we're going to the zoo [we = Wishiah, Alyssa [me!], Emma, Michelle [?], Emily, Preston, _____].
And then Wednesday Im going to work with my dad.
WATCH OUT, CISCO. WATCH OUT.

Lol yeah.
Im sexy.

I painted my nails blue [with glittery currents!], and am going to paint fish on them.
Because Emily told me to. xD
"YOU SHOULD PAINT FISH ON THEM, FOR PRESTON."
To which I just sort of blinked, but agreed.
[he likes fish. to catch fish, not to eat it. silly.]
So yeah.
FISH. ON MY FINGERS. O:

The fish that got my toes?
Well they haven't, but apparently you can get a pedicure where they have fish nibble your toes.
How weird is THAT.

lets go, lets go.

2009-02-14T00:21:00.000-08:00

Listening To : Kevin Rudolf
Activity[s] : Trying not to fall asleep..

Oh. My.
Ahahaha.
Okay so I threw Michelle a surprise party.
Fucking most stressful week of my LIFE, this week. God it was awful.
School was ridiculous. It never got better -- I barely finished my school work.

Anyway.
Michelle's surprise party.
We've been meaning to throw the damn thing for weeks, and this weekend finally worked. :D
So yes.
I folded 30 paper cranes, and handed them out as invitations, and it was epic.

... And Im way too fucking tired to do this.
Rofl. NIGHT. :D

I PROMISE I'll finish this one. PROMISE. YES. :D

edit. [2/16]

Alright so.
Ill do this fast, because I have to blog, anyway.

I handed out 30 little paper cranes, pissing off Wishiah, who wanted to help.
And then I felt bad, because I knew she wanted to help.
But I really had to get the damn things done, you know? I couldn't like, wait another day.
[this was monday, i handed them out tuesday.]

So then Thursday rolls around.
I was mostly sure of who was coming, but hadn't yet even figured out where everything was coming from.
Emily, Emma, and Leah planned to come over at noon [we had no school Friday, lol.] and help me, but I had nothing I needed help with.
And then proceeded to be become an emotional wreck, because thats just what I do lately.
Because see.
I was planning the thing with Libby.
Who had been SICK with the flu all week.
And so the whole party had sort of fallen by the wayside. :/

But its okay.
Because I got home on Thursday, and talked to my dad and Libby, and was instantly calmed down.
Libby made the cake, and we put it in my grandma's fridge, and everything worked out.
We decided who was bringing what, made lists, and I am still thanking my friends' parents for being so willing to run out to the store for me. ♥

So anyway.
They came over, and we got everything figured out, and my dad got stuff, and all was GOOD.
And then it was all good for a while longer, too.
Until -- lol i just got a text in binary! -- people actually started showing up.
Then I got all nervous and jittery.

And you know, it didn't help that the stereo was spazzy, my dad had to leave for a bit, AND Michelle was late.
I could go into everything that freaked me out, but wont.

She ended up showing up, and while we kind of messed up our epic surprise plan, it all turned out, more or less.
She was surprised as FUCK, had no idea what had been going on all week..
I was really happy, ahahaa. Im still amazed she had NO idea whatsoever.
Im good. ;D

We did all sorts of silly things.
Watched youtube videos, played with balloons..
Preston and I shared a chair, that was cute. xD [Alicia took pictures..?]
And then the two of us went on an epic journey to get the cake, and put candles on it.
Shit. Putting candles on that cake took us a good 10 minutes.
"THERE'S FIFTEEN."
"NO THERE ISN'T, THERE'S ONLY FOURTEEN. COUNT THEM."
"I DID."

And then we all played Sardines. THAT. Was fun. xD

Anyway.
Im done, now.

CURRENT BLOG POST TIEM.

failure.

2009-02-08T16:59:00.000-08:00

Listening To : Boys, Boys, Boys -- Lady Gaga
Activity[s] : Failing at life.

Seriously. I fail SO HARD.
You know how I said I couldn't focus on my homework?
Well you know what?
Its 5 o'clock -- 5 hours since I started my homework.
You know what else?
I haven't gotten a SINGLE THING done. Not one! I thought I was getting somewhere, by getting THREE WHOLE PARAGRAPHS of my story written, but NO. I proceeded to erase it, because I hated it.
FIVE. HOURS. And all I have is a document with my heading on it, and a new copy of the blank assignment for preforming arts. I haven't read biology, or even done math or Italian.

But its not even like Ive been doing other things.
Sure, I have, but not in the general sense.
Usually, when Ive done nothing, it means Ive been off doing something else; msn, facebook, reading something stupid, etc.
But no. I try and do my homework, and I just cant. I dont even fucking understand it, let alone know what to do.
I just sit there, desperately trying to think, or type something [anything!], or plan, and I just think about NOTHING. My mind isnt even wandering!
Im just sitting here, mentally retarded, unable to do ANYTHING.
And I still have a shitload to do, considering I havent gotten any of it DONE.

What the hell am I supposed to tell my teachers?
"Yeah, I didn't do it, cause I was distracted only not really..."?
What the fuck kind of excuse is that?!

This is the most fucking ridiculous thing ever.
Im literally mentally incapable of doing my homework.
And I really, really want to cry.

i dont even know WHY.
Like. Sure, Im not on my Remeron, but I took my Adderall this morning!
And thats what its supposed to help with -- my complete and utter idiocy.

Maybe I'll do something equally fucked up.
Like go for a run.
-on crack-

i wanna hold em like they do in texas plays.

2009-02-08T13:33:00.000-08:00

Listening To : The Fame -- Lady Gaga [as in the album..]
Activity[s] : Talking on the phone, homework, wasting time in general..

Ahaha I cannot concentrate.
So Im not going to try to. Yay meee.

Instead I'll finally write that blog post I keep trying to write.
Though I dont really know what to say.
So I'll just start.. somewhere.

Cliff is moving to Santa Barbara.
Yeaaaahh. ;D
How crazy is that? Seriously? Im so excited, too.
Its going to be fucking great. You know it. Nothing, ever, is going to beat that one.
[except maybe hopefully seeing Nik in April? Ahaha, Im kidding.]
Its kind of random, and Im still like "... Really? Like, you're actually serious about this one?"
I dunno.
I just think its fucking cool.

Also, on the same note [well, at the same time this was going on...].
Last night I was talking to Alex.
Like, my ex Alex.
That was fucking hilarious. I dont know why I dated that kid -- hes kind of retarded?
"I dont like the beach in winter?"
"Huh?"
What about that is hard to figure out? Seriously? The world may never, ever know.

... To keep up with the trend.
Ive made a decision on the boy.
Im going to give up.
Well, 'give up'. I couldn't actually give up, no way. I like him too much.
But Im going to stop actively trying to do.. anything.
I dont think he'll care much, anyway. Or even notice. Whateverrr.

[there was a slight pause in writing this, here]

I have tears running down my face at this point, because I keep trying to do my homework, and I just CANT.
I dont even know why, its just.. impossible.
I need to create my character for preforming arts [worst fucking class ever], write the first half of my story for Lit, and work on history.
And its just like.. My mind ISNT there. At all. I cant even follow my own thought processes, let alone write anything.
My interest in what Im doing just flitters away, never to be seen again.
And its so fucking stressful, I have so much to do by tomorrow.
Shit.
Someone needs to slap me.

... Ive kind of lost my motivation to write this. Bleh.

fourty-three!

2009-02-01T15:51:00.000-08:00

Activity : Watching the Superbowl!

Its an interesting day.
Its been an interesting four days, hell. o.o

Thursday:
Stopped taking my Remeron.
Kissed a boy.
Partied it up.
Went to dinner at Arigato.
Went to a play.

Friday:
Odd. o.o
Lost it, started crying over having nothing to wear.
Went to Libby's sister's going away party.
Had interesting text conversations.

Saturday:
Went downtown with Leah, got my nails done.
Interesting texting?
Cleaned my room.
MORE texting...

Sunday:
Fought with Cliff.
Danced around like a mongoose.
SUPERBOWL.

Exciting. Stuff. :p

I want the CARDINALS, by the way.
All my friends do. ;D
In the words of Dillon Yuhasz : "Barack Obama is WRONG."

is this glory?

2009-01-29T00:03:00.000-08:00

Listening To : 37 mm -- AFI

My awful day;

I woke up, got dressed, and felt really, really sick.
And lately, Ive been finding out that my antidepressant, which I take at night, makes me sick. And if I dont sleep long enough, I wake up sick..

So I had to lay down, and because Id gotten only four hours of sleep AND was out of Adderall, which wakes me up / counterbalances how sleepy the Remeron makes me, I fell asleep.

So I had five minutes to do my makeup, looked like absolute shit. Fun.

First thing anyone said to me when I got to school was "Wishiah says she doesnt want to have anything to do with you."
And then Wishiah proceeded not to utter a single word to me the entire day, and instead just drag my friends away as I would be talking to them.

Keep in mind, she has NO REASON TO BE MAD AT ME. Shes just being a bitch. And IM sick of apologizing for stuff I didnt do, so Im not going to. I want to see if she will. She -is- my supposed best friend, anyway.

So then, after school.
I called my mum for a ride, and people were like yelling in my ear [not at me, though, at eachother. they were just nearby] because they were doing workstudy.

"GOD DAMN IT. You know I hate when you talk to other people when you're on the phone!"
"I wasnt?"
"Well. They were talking to you!"
"My name isnt Henry!"
"... Eh."
"Josh is just being obnoxious."
"Im being obnoxious?! EXCUSE ME. FUCKING BITCH."
"YOUR NAME ISNT JOSH."
"What did you want?"
"Nothing, nevermind."
"Dont do that."
"Im near -tears-, mother."
"Ive been near tears ALL DAY, so LAH DEE FUCKING DAH."

And THEN. I went to Dr. Geis with my dad, to talk about how he just randomly left. Because my trust in him has diminished greatly.
And as soon as I start to talk, dad goes "NO. YOU KNOW WHAT. I DONT NEED TO PUT UP WITH THIS. IF YOU CANT BE NICE, IM NOT TALKING TO YOU. I REFUSE."

And you know what a hard time I have with talking about things...
And Cliff fucking wonders why I do that.
That was THE biggest blow to my trying not to 'run away' in a LONG time.
I cried for an hour straight, while they talked about.. something.

Of course they didnt CARE, because noone cares about what Alyssa is feeling today. :/

There were good things that happened today, sure.
I got Pinkberry.
Preston was actually concerned, whut?
Dad opened a checking account for me.
I found the delight of frozen strawberries.
I watched four episodes of House...

And. Im faced with a dilemma.
Take my meds, and wake up sick, but stable?
Or don't take my meds, wake up on time, not feeling like SHIT, and just hope Im on an upswing?

i love you.

2009-01-27T20:17:00.000-08:00

Listening To : Bitter For Sweet - Blaqk Audio

i love you.|

i. yeah, you. suprise.
you're the one everyone knows i love. and shit, do i love you.
i carefully wrote my modified initials on my wrist, in purple sharpie, and left it there. the only reason people didn't figure it out instantaneously was because i changed the last initial to a K.
you're the bane of my existence, and all of my friends love you and hate you, simultaneously.
i don't even know what the hell is going on, half the time. you're as unpredictable as my bedtime.
when you're mean to me, i'm completely destroyed. and when you're nice, im ecstatic. and everyone knows why. there's nothing secret about it. for you, my subtlety drops.
i just wish.. so many things.

ii. keep holding on.
you're that girl -- the girl, actually. the only one.
i've only ever been broken up with once, in my whole life, and girl, you hold that title.
our being together at all was a huge surprise; just to get there, we had to go on personal missions of self-discovery.
you always say 'i love you', because you want it to be the last thing you ever said to me : i'm happy you told me that. now, whenever you do, i smile.
i love talking to you, but it slightly kills me each time; especially when you speak of other people. i guess i'm jealous.
i cry, when i think of you. god, i love you. and you saved my life. and.. yeah. i love you, i love you, i love you.
i need to tell you more.

iii. because i own you.
but you know, that isnt even it. its a delightful bonus, your reciprocation.
there's something about you. maybe how sweet you are, maybe your innocence, your honesty.. whatever it is, i know it isnt just because i never see you, however much you'd like it to be true.
i hate that you think its pointless. it kills me to know that you think im being silly, wasting my time.
we've never kissed; i find it sweet, and slightly maddening, all at once. someday i'll fix that -- but i surely won't rush it.
i wish i could see you more -- it crushes me that it seems you don't.
still, you completely delight me. always.

iv. illusions of grandeur?
i don't even know why you have a place in my heart.
i see you once every two years, maybe. maybe. and when i do, there's nothing there. nothing meaningful, anyway.
when i think of you, i really wonder if you ever think of me. if you even give a damn. something tells me you dont.
i want to believe you do. but you're a guy, and im a plaything.
you won't even talk to me. ever. even when i try to talk to you. doesn't give me much hope.
still, im ridiculously happy to see you. happier than one would think.
not that i know what is going to happen.

Alyssa is a hooker.
She loves four people.
Oh my.
Scandal.

my siblings are on crack today.

2009-01-23T18:51:00.001-08:00

Its an odd day.

Earlier, my sister opened the door, and looked at my with a sly smile, before saying "GoodNIGHT, SISSTERRRR!" and then shutting the door.

And now, I had this conversation with my brother.

"Hey little squee. Whats up? Why are you up?"
"My lips are dry."
"Dry? -feels- Do you want some chapstick?"
"Im gonna tell my mommy about it."
"Why?"
"Cause."
"Well, you don't need to wake her up. I can help you."
"I just want to tell her."
"Hun, shes gonna tell you the same thing I did. Why don't we just spare her having to wake up, and Ill give you some chapstick."
"..."
"Your lips won't be dry!"
"-starts to walk back towards his room-"
"Are you sure you dont want any?'
"I want a drink, too."
"Well, alright. Can I get you some water?"
"I need to ask my mommy about it."
"You need to ask mommy about getting a drink of water?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"I.. Need.. Ask.. Drinking... Bed..."
"Well.. Alright. You do that."
"-starts to walk back down the hall-"
"Night little squee."

I have NO idea what just happened.

On an unrelated note;
My dad got home yesterday.
I survived finals week, and did AMAZINGLY on my Algebra 2 final. ;D
I just spent nearly my entire day reading Not Always Right.
Im addicted to Crimewave, by Crystal Castles.
Im addicted to chocolate milk and cornbread. Together. Amazingggg. <3
I found what would make me read Twilight. If it was like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nXsKWi9FIjY
I am going to write a story following the premise of that video.
Im going to bed, now.

a potential threat.

2009-01-19T21:27:00.000-08:00

Listening To : Lay All Your Love On Me -- ABBA
Activity[s] : Studying for that stupid history final.
Eating : NOTHING GOD DAMNIT. SO HUNGRY.

Gaaaaah this is the day [soon to be week] from HELL.

1 - I have finals.
God.
History and Algebra 2 are tomorrow.
Im not worried about math at all, cause I wrote out ALL the notes [we get a full page!], and finished it, and theyre incredibly thorough, so thats GOOD.
But history.
Fuck.
Fuck fuck fuck.

There are SO MANY QUESTIONS I have to know.
And I dont even know which ones Im going to have to do, because he didnt tell us.
And then there's that Japan question, which I haven't started. Blah.

2 - Im sick.
I have the cold from hell.
Enough said.

3 - My daddy isnt in town.
Him and my stepmom had this huge fight the other night [not last, but the one before], and he LEFT, at 2 am, for the Bay Area.
Yeah, really.
It was so fucking RANDOM.
Ill explain more eventually, but ugh. I dont even know.
SO Im all alone.
Meh.

Im gonna go find some food before I die.
But dude.

My life.
SUCKS.

storybook.

2009-01-08T21:12:00.001-08:00

Listening To : Jizz In My Pants -- The Lonely Island

x

you say you love me -- i guess you do.
yet, you explain to me what you hate, if only to make me cry.
(as if i could change any of it.)

"i hate how im finding out we dont have as much as common as i thought."
i silently wonder what we're suppsoed to have.
we have different lives, we think differently.
sure, i guess we aren't all that alike.
(i never realized that made a difference to you.)

"i hate how you were so quick to deny that we were dating."
i merely said what i thought you'd say.
whenever we fightt, you say its hopeless.
i only want to cause as little conflict as possible.
(it never works; im never right)

"i hate how i can never find anything in my life."
"literally or figuratively?" i ask.
"both."
i'll always be right here, where you can find me.
(i guess you take that for granted.)

"i hate how you always run away."
that always makes me cringe, especially now.
now, when im trying not to, when im putting myself through torture.
all you do is act like me, i guess to teach me something.
(it doesn't matter to you that im trying.)

of course, i never tell you what i hate.
(im not the manipulative one.)

x

Written today in Creative Writing, cause I was bored.
Oh yeah.

suddenly it changes! violently!

2009-01-07T21:37:00.000-08:00

http://www.quizilla.com/stories/8390452/my-life-in-a-all-boys-vampire-boarding-schoolchapter-1

x

Kacy:
woah did I just hear my parents say ‘’live’’ with my aunt?! What are they thinking!? I have no right to live with her. ‘’what!?’’

x

Kacy:
woah is this what Arizona really looks like?

x

Kacy:
First day of school:
*beeep* ‘’ughh!’’

x

Kacy:
It was 2 times bigger than the normal boarding schools. I got out of the car and took my backpack with me. O-M-G it was all surrounded with boys! I must be dreaming! Wait noo I’m not! I walk down the hallways while boys staring at me. Stalkers much?

x

Kacy:
I laughed while Alex and Darren faced each other and cussing at each other, this must be the funniest moment.

x

Alex:
When class was over we headed into the cafeteria as usual and sat next to Darren, Michael, and Zack, and Cody, the perverted kid.

x

Kacy:
I knew this was the end of my journey where I’ll die.

x

Kacy:
He was looking at my chest so I decided to cover it up with my chess.

x

Alex:
‘’Alex!’’ Darren yelled.
‘’Eddie! He’s on a deadly rampage!’’ he said
‘’Kacy’s sleeping’’ I whispered
‘’sorry, but come out here we need to talk to you.’’ he said
I walked outside and left the door opened.
‘’Alex, he’s looking for Kacy, We red the news paper after you both left, and here. Handing me the news paper that said ‘’DEADLY RAMPAGE’’

Kacy:
‘’DEADLY RAMPAGE’’ woah…

x

Kacy:
‘’yeah’’ he said while touching his food.

x

Alex:
Oh yeah! Who’s the guy that asked his love out!?! Me!
I woke up the next morning to see Darren on my bed. I jumped and Darren fell off my bed.

x

Alex:
We both walked to our first class which was English. I was a vampire so I knew what we had today.

x

Kacy:
‘’yo yo yo.’’ perverted Cody running up!
‘’dude, stop trying to act all gangstaish’’ Darren saying

x

Alex:
We heard the door opened when we turned to see Kacy in her Pink cocktail dress. O-M-G

x

Alex:
We both started to dance to the song of Fall out Boys...

x

Kacy:
The food was so good, when we finished we both walked back to the car. It was about 9:23pm.

x

Alex:
‘’you were talking in your sleep, you were talking about how much you loved carrots, and me’’ she said laughing

x

Alex:
‘’o-m-g! I missed you KACY!’’ Zack said while holding her

x

Kacy:
I laughed, was I risking my life.

2009. [modified]

2009-01-01T14:59:00.001-08:00

Listening To : Tears And Rain -- James Blunt
Activity[s] : World History..

edit : I added to it, because Im not in a bitchy mood anymore, and my night was pwn.

If you were to ask me how 2009 was so far, I honestly couldn't tell you.
Good, I suppose.
Im happy enough.
I had a fun enough night.
But I cannot say I feel euphoric about it.
Im rather indifferent, to be honest.

I wrote some resolutions in chat yesterday.

Alyssa's New Years Resolutions

#1 - Get a cute boyfriend.
#2 - Finish sophomore year.
#3 - Don't go back to living with my mum.
#4 - Write something epic.
#5 - Figure out Cliff.
#6 - Change the less-than-desirable bits of my outlook on life.

Hot, I guess.

Last night I went to Leah's house.
That was magical.
It was Leah, Michelle, Libby, me!, and Leah's cousin DJ.
Fun. Stuff.
We did stupid things. :D

Like. The first thing anyone decided they wanted to do was put makeup on DJ.
For whatever reason, we had brought it up before he showed up, and then.. Yeah.
"CAN WE PUT MAKEUP ON YOU?!"
"..."
"PLEASE."
"As long as its nothing permanent..."

I still dont know he meant by permanent makeup.
Like, they tattoo shit onto your skin, thats permanent makeup.
Funn.

Anyway.
We [I] mainly did his eyes, and Libby put on lipgloss.
Which he proceeded to eat, because it tasted good

The Product?

I know, sexy, huh?
Seriously.
Look at those glossy lips.
And that shiny hair.
And that goregous eyeshadow.
Psh-aaw.

However.
He put up with a lot. o.o
I even got eyeliner on the inside rim of the bottom... Whatever that is.
And that feels weird to even me, and he tried really hard not to close his eyes.
So.
-claps for DJ-

THEN.
We randomly went downtown.
Randomly.
To do nothing, really.

We ended up going to Starbucks, and then walking down to Coldstone to stalk who was working there.
And proceeded to ALL share a little mini sample spoon of icecream.
Not really sure how we did that.
But whatever.

And so we went back to Leah's.
EPIC, RITE.

Leah was kind of sad, so Libby and I were like "LOLHOTTUB?"
And she's like "LOLYES."
:D
So we all went in the hottub [YOU DIDNT SEE THAT COMING, DID YA.]
That was exciting.

DJ was a total pimp, being in the hottub with 4 girls in bikinis.
You know how guys are.
Pfft.
He splashed us, too.
So we all got our hair wet. D:
Boys suck. >.>
[but hes cute, so you know, whatever.]

Anyway.
When 12 rolled around, we all got sparkling cider, and toasted to "hot, sexy people".
No joke.
And we all kissed eachother. ON THE CHEEK, GOD.
And yes, I mean face. [I wish I had cheeks of steel!" "I HOPE YOU MEAN YOUR FACE!" "I DO~!"]
Even DJ. Who gives really nice kisses [on the cheek.]. Seriously.

THEN. Libby and Michelle and I took a shower.
That was exciting.
"AH YOU GOT SOAP ON MY BOOB."
"HOLY CRAP LIBBY IS NAKED AHAHAHA."
"YOU SLUT, WASH YOUR BUTT."

[i feel like Im saying "and then" a lot. or just "then" in general. so.]

FOLLOWING THAT.
We watched Ratatouille [after DJ left. how sad.].
Which was hilarious, in an odd sort of way.
I was laughing hysterically at random points of it. xD

Things to add in :

- Talking to Michelle
- Breakfast
- Stupid pictures

[arg need to go to bed. will finish. sometime. ;D]

the wonderful world of disney.

2008-12-30T13:36:00.001-08:00

Listening To :
Activity[s] : Msn-ing, feeling like Im about to die, etc.

Soooo I went to DISNEYLAND yesterday!

It was majorly fun. Majorly.

We [Michelle and I];
- Saw DARTH VADER!
- Toured the Christmas-ified Haunted Mansion in turning chairs. ;D
- Got bitched at by Snow White. Ho.
- Went on a fantastic Star Tour.
- Met Mike/Addison on a Jungle Cruise.
- Ate the greatest pizza ever. <3
- Fell in love with Addison over /another/ Jungle Cruise with him.
- Did plenty of wandering..
- Went to the TIKI TIKI TIKI TIKI TIKI ROOM and got a pineapple whip [hwip] !!
- Got front seat on Indiana Jones! ;D
- Wanderwanderwander.
- Got snowed on by the Small World light show.. thing.
- Never actually went on Small World, because its scary, and the line was huge.
- Rode the CAROUSEL.
- Met Hot Asian Guy
- Christened Alyssa as an asiaphile.
- Met up with my dad [finally!] and got more money for food [finally, again!].
- Went to the French Market.
- Ran into Hot Asian Guy again ; decided to feed him to Addison's large Bengal tiger.
- Laughed at the people who doomed themselves to 20 minutes of lost time by standing in the beverage line.
- Made mashed potatoes.. Out of butter.
- Ate an amazing apple crisp, cemented to its plate by caramel.
- Were PIRATES, Arrr! [relaxing ride, that was.]
- Rode the epicness that was Big Thunder.
- TWICE.
- Went on the Jungle Cruise ONE MORE TIME -- Missed Addison. ):
- Stalked Addison anyway.
- Waited in the longest line EVER to get out.
- End.

Addison.
Lol.
DORKY PUN GUY.

"Its a bad place to be headed."
"You re in denial."
"That'd be hard to eat. Dark meat, light meat, dark meat, light meat, dark meat, light meat."
"You'll see.. ABSOLUTELY NOTHINGGG."
"That sinks. I mean stinks."
"Either way, you'll come out ahead."
"Plasticus Mechanicus."

Michelle is going to marry him.
Me?
I get to marry Hot Asian Dude.

Lolol.
He asked us what ride something was, and got it wrong, and I was like "Haha nice."
But then when we ran into him in the French Market, I was like "OMG MEANT TO BE."
So we planned to feed his girlfriend to the 500 pound Bengal tiger on Addison's cruise.
:D

Dude I had the weirdest day, when it game to guys.

First, in the Haunted Mansion line, this dude in the group behind us kept standing as close as he could to me without looking creepy.
It was actually really endearing.
He wasn't that /cute/, but he was adorable in a dorky kind of way.
I don't know what he thought of our conversations.. They were special. xD

Then this SUPER HOT GUY was looking at me in the Star Tours line.
He had a huge head, eyes on both sides of it, a sexy nose..
Hahaha.
He was the hottest animatronic alien you'll ever meet.

THEN. This creepy old man was staring at me at the carousel.
That was nasty.

Of course all day, every once in a while Id look at Michelle and go "EEE CUTE BOY." after we'd passed someone cute. xD
Because I like cute boys.
It also kinda made me sad, though.
Because like.
I keep seeing people together.
And desperately wanting to date someone.
Im tired of being single, now.
And its really depressing. ):

Anyway.

Uhmm.
What else.
I dunno.
Lol.

3 am.

2008-12-28T03:03:00.000-08:00

Listening To : Dead Is The New Alive -- Emilie Autumn
Activity[s] : Avoiding sleep..
Eating : Tortilla chips.

I was such a fucking SPAZZ today.
SUCH a spazz.
I seriously wonder why the fuck anyone ever puts up with me, because really? Id throw me off a tall building.

It might be because I haven't properly eaten in two days, I'm not really sure.
Low blood sugar?
I'm actually seriously thinking that's what it is. Makes sense.

But everything was freaking me out today.
Everything.

At first it was the fact all my cousins wanted to do was drink.
Seriously.
At like, 11 am, theyre like "I really feel like getting hammered."
And then I kept hearing things about how they were going to sneak shit from my dad's bar.
If you havent seen my dads bar, then there is no way you could ever imagine it.
It is EPIC. Truly.

And I dont know if you know this, but I am not a drinker.
At all.
Im sure you've like, seen or heard of times when I have drank..?
I get sick before I get drunk.
The only time I ever got drunk was after drinking like, 5 shots of this [kickass!] whiskey, and all that happened was I couldn't walk quite right for 20 minutes.
Of course, when I got home after the Christmas parade [good time to get drunk, good lord. x.x], I felt like shit and puked. Yay!
But yeah.
I DONT DRINK.
Its fucking illegal, anyway.
And while I do a hell of a lot of illegal things, I dont do anything thats going to fuck up my body / thought processes / etc in ANY way.

You might not know this about me. You should, but you might not.
My cousin didn't, but only cause I never talk to him.
I. Hate. When people don't act like themselves.
It scares the fucking shit out of me.
Thats why I dont live with my mum.
So when I am the one acting fucking stupid [or just unable to walk...], then.. no. Its not okay.
Plus I hate puking.

Anyway.
Its disrespectful, anyway.
Its our house, our rules...
Bugs me.

BUT THEN WHAT MAKES IT WORSE.
Okay so.
Everyone kept going back on what they were saying about it.
My dad randomly decided he didn't care, and Eileen and Leah.
Gaaaah.
I had gone out to chill, cause I was like, near tears for some 2 hours straight.
And so I had told them why I was flipping out.

So I went away and came back however much later.
And fucking Alyssa was drinking a pina colada, and Leah was offering to make Jordan a drink, because he'd gone in to get one and failed.
And Eileen went so far as to ask /me/ if I wanted anything.
To which I was like "FUCK NO I DONT."

...

I cannot believe Derek fucking put up with me all. night.
I was being a bitch to him half the time, in tears, totally unstable.
I dont fucking know.
And like. He's dealing with all his own shit, which is like, 27348274 times worse than mine.
And its just like.
Gaaaaaaaaaah.

Being me is so hard sometimes.
I never actually know what to do.

i. dont. care what you think.

2008-12-27T10:59:00.000-08:00

Listening To : The Winter Overture [Requiem for a Dream] -- Clint Mansell
Activity[s] : Being antisocial? ;D

My family.
Is so cool. xD

My stepmum is having her family Christmas thing this weekend -- they do it every year, but there are so many siblings that it's only at any given house once in 7 years.
And its, quite obviously, our turn.
Meaning? There's 27 people staying here. Yeah. TWENTY SEVEN. All staying in some random place throughout the house.

I dont even have my own room -- My Uncle Clay and Aunt Donna are sleeping in there.
Im sleeping in the living room, on the poofiest, lovliest couch ever. My cousin Derek [WHO IS MADE OF WIN] is sleeping in my dad's leather armchair [god knows how], and my cousin Jordan and his girlfriend Ashley are sleeping in the middle.
Its.. Interesting. xD

BUT YES.
My cousin!
He's so awesome. Seriously.
He's, hands down, my favourite cousin ever. ♥
Don't ask me why. He's just like, the most normal person [... xD] in my family.

[my stepmum keeps calling my dad and freaking out, and its stressing /me/ out. she was sitting outside, secretly, to see if my dad was doing his job. controlling much?]

Continuing.
Derek and I stayed up until 5 last night.
Doing absolutely NOTHING.

We all watched Bourne Identity, and then all the adults went to bed.
So then we [me, Derek, Jordan, and Ashley] watched Bad Santa, but Jordan and Ashley fell asleep halfway through.
So Derek and I finished it, and then sat there, not really even talking, just sorta sitting there, glancing at eachother every once in a while.
Finally, I decided I was starving, so we went and made quesadillas.
And then..
We sat in absolute silence for about an hour.
That was hot.
And then finally, he migrated over to the couch I have, because I was all morose and sad looking.
And THEN we went to sleep.
Epic evening. Epic.

The movies were good, though. xD
Bourne Identity made my brain hurt, and Bad Santa was... Bad.

There's this thing.
Its like, a tradition.
That there's this angel that belonged to their mother.
And Korri, who's house the thing was at last year, was supposed to bring it.
And didn't.

So I had to spend 4 hours last night making an angel out of tissue paper left over from all the Christmas presents we had.
I made them save me the wrapping paper, because I want to use it to make shit with /anyway/. So that was handy.
Its actually pretty chill. Its silver and white, with gold ribbon as hair.
I know you're jealous.
Dude.
I had no idea what the fuck I was foing, and its somewhat apparent.

Anywho.
Im outtttt. ;D

I miss you people, though. ):

Christmas!

2008-12-25T11:23:00.000-08:00

Listening To : I Don't Want To Be In Love -- Good Charlotte [for old times sake.]
Activity[s] : Playing online. ;D

First off.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I hope you have all had a day that is FULL of win.
Mine sure was.

To start out my Christmas post.
I was reading the version of The Night Before Christmas that I got for the kids last year.
Its full of extra things -- recipes, crafts, stories, history...
And this is the story of Christmas Stockings.

The tradition was first introduced by Dutch settlers.
The Dutch believed in Sinter Klaas, who rode around on Christmas Eve on a white horse, leaving little gifts in the wooden shoes of any children who left hay for the donkey Mary rode [i think.]
So the English adapted it, of course.

Cool, no?

Anyway.
Time for PRESENTS.

I have recieved :

- A stocking :D
x. Candy
x. Saline solution [rofl.]
x. Sticky notes
x. Candles!
x. Lipgloss
x. Other stuff...
- $25 Sephora gift card [Kerri]
- $75 Amazon gift certificate [Dad]
- $25 [Grandma Pat]
- A sparkly pink bead [Leia]
- 84 gel pens [Dad]
- Burts Bees stuff [Grandma Pat]
- A Zune! [everyone.]
- An air plant [Grandma Judy]
- A worry stone [Grandma Judy]
- A spa kit.. thing [Grandma Judy!]
- Penguin earrings [even though I dont have pierced ears] [Aunt Sara]
- Penguin gummies [Aunt Sara]

I gave :

Dad : 4 CD's [that he picked out himself. xD]
Kerri : I dont really know, actually. o.o
Colin : A cookbook! :D
Leia : The Tale of Peter Rabbit, a snap-bead kit, and a pink friendship bracelet.
Everyone : Old fashioned toffee, with a hammer to break it and everything.
Grandma : Petite Fours and Raspberry Flower Honey.
Mom : Chocolate covered cherries. Really, really high quality ones.
Perry : A Star Trek playstation game! CAUSE I ROCK.
Libby : Cosmic Brownies [lol shut up, they have coloured candy on top.]
Wishiah : High-class sticky notes! :D
Emma : A $15 iTunes card. xD

Giving things is seriously my favourite part.
I even wrote out cards. :D

A really, really nice one for my Dad and Kerri, one for my grandma [it was FOR a grandma! xD], one for my mom and Perry, and one for my Grandma Judy and Happy Steve [her husband. <3]. style="font-weight: bold;">

Summary of a Year : 2008

2008-12-24T14:28:00.000-08:00

Listening To : Kill Hannah Pandora Station
Activity[s] : Cleaning mah room.

I made this, cause you know, I have nothing better to do.

Its been a long year.
12 months long -- just like all years.
That's a lot of weeks for stuff to happen, a lot of days for things to change.

Go down the list, and answer the "Did you..." questions however you wish. You may just put yes or no, or offer explanation.
For clarifications [ y / n ], choose either yes or no.
If your answer was no the initial question, say n/a [so that anyone who takes the survey after you can still answer them.]

If a section isn't applicable, say so, and just remove the spaces between the questions [once again, so that someone else can fill them out.]

Here's to another year.

How do you think your year was, overall?
Not too bad, considering.

Did You Or Didn't You

i. - - s c h o o l - -

Not applicable? It is. (:

Did you...

Switch schools?
Yeah. Anacappaaa, baby. ;D

Fail a class?
Lol many of them. Last school year.
Tis why Im in 10th grade again.

Cut class?
Last school year? Duh. I didn't go to school.
This school year? No way! Its too much work!

Get good grades?
Last school year? No. xD
This school year? Hells yes! 4.0, baby!

Play any sports?
No. Never.
Gym Fitness doesnt really count in my world.

Get any awards / honors?
Nah. I will at the end of the semester, but thats next year. xD

Take any Honors / AP / IB classes?
Uhhm.
Im officially in Honors Algebra 2.
But World History is basically an AP class.

ii. - - w o r k - -

Not applicable? Not really, no.

Did you...

Get a job?
Change jobs?
Get fired?
Quit?
Get a raise?
Get a promotion?
Get relocated?
Have a shitty boss?
Do something memorable for your employer?
Have more than one job?
Have more than two jobs?

iii. - - h o m e - -

Did you...

Move?
Yeah. To my dad's. (:

Re-do your room?
Mmhmm! I painted it!
Purple, silver, and black, baby.

Remodel?
Not.. Really...

Get any new pets?
CUDDLES!
But he's not here. ): He's at my mum's.

Lose any pets?
Nikita.
She poofilated. D:

Have anyone move out?
Nope.

Have anyone move in?
Nope.
Unless you count myself.

Blow a fuse?
AHAHA YES. So many times. SO. MANY. TIMES.

Light something on fire?
Not accidentaly, thank god.

Have a leak in your roof?
Yeah. I think so.

Decorate your house for:

[ yes! ] Christmas?
[ yes! ] Halloween?
[ no ] Fourth Of July?
[ no.. ] Something else? [ specify ]

iv. - - f r i e n d s and f a m i l y - -

Did you...

Have a family member die?
Not that I know of. o.o

Gain a new family member?
I dont think soo...

[ n/a ] Through marriage?
[ n/a ] Through birth?

Make any new friends?
Hells yes! So many. :D

Make a new best friend?
Yessss. :DDD

Met anyone you wonder how you could have ever lived without?
Hells yes. Dude.

Lost a friend?
Yeah. ): More than one.

[ yes ] Just lost contact?
[ no ] Purposely stopped talking to someone?
[ no ] Had someone move away?
[ no! ] Had someone die?

Done anything super-memorable with your friends?
Ahahaha sleepover extravaganza!

v. - - r e l a t i o n s h i p s - -

How many relationships did you have this year? 2.

Did you...

Kiss anyone?
Yep.

Have sex?
No way.

[ no ] Lose your virginity?
[ no! ] Get pregnant?

Fall in love?
Yesss.

Fall out of love?
Not really.

Think you were in love, but weren't?
Yeah. ._.

Ask someone out?
No, I never do.

Get rejected?
See above. ;D

Break up with someone?
Yes.

[ yeah ] Regret it?

Get broken up with?
Mmhm. ):

Like someone?
Duh. xD

Like more than one person at once?
Of course!

More than two?
Lol yes. xD

Do something for someone else's own good?
Probably.

[ yeah ] Regret it / think it really wasn't that good?

vi. - - m a t e r i a l - -

Did you..

Get any amazing gifts?
Yesss.
Tablet, anyone? ;D

Get any awful gifts?
Not really.

Give any awesome gifts?
... I dont know.

Regift something?
No! Wait yes.

Buy something really expensive?
Lol yeah.

Get something really valuable for really cheap?
My purse! :D

Sell something for a lot of money?
No. >.> I never have money, rofl.

Lose something?
On a daily basis!

Have a friend get something you really wanted?
... I dunno.

[ n/a ] Still jealous?

Have a garage sale?
No, I havent in agesss.

Go to a garage sale?
No, actually. o.o

Get any new furniture?
Yesss. I got a desk!

Get a new computer?
Nah, that was last Christmas.

Cell phone?
No. >.>

TV?
That was last Christmas too.

Stereo / MP3 Player?
No, but Im supposed to get a Zune!

Buy new holiday decorations?
Lol no! We have so many.

vii. - - m u s i c - -

Did you...

Go to any concerts?
NO. ): I wanted to, though.. .Kill Hannah. ;-;

[ n/a ] Were they good?

Buy any actual cd's [as in, you can play them in a cd player]?
Uhh. For my dad. xD

Spend more than $100 on music on iTunes / Amazon / etc?
... Hells no.

Spend any money on music?
I BOUGHT MY FIRST SONG LOL.

Develop any new tastes?
Yeaaaah.
I like instrumental movie music, now. REQUIEM FOR A DREAM, WHUT.

Find any new 'favourite' bands?
Kill Hannah, Birthday Massacre, Nightwish.. I dunno.

Lose any 'favourite' bands?
Shiny Toy Guns, Within Temptation, Coldplay...

Go through any significant phases?
Emo phase, techno phase, random-shit phase...

Gotten anyone hooked on something?
Yesss. :D
Shake Tramp - Mariana's Trench --> Puteri
Final Countdown - Europe --> Everyone?
Fer Sure - The Medic Droid --> Everyone?

Heard about something before anyone else?
MMHMMM.
Just Dance - Lady Gaga
[only one I can remember. xD]

[ YES ] Felt awesome about it?

viii. - - m i s c e l l a n e o u s - -

Did you...

Have an awesome birthday?
I think so..
Explain : It wasn't what I imagined for a sixteenth birthday.. Kind of meh. But I got some cool stuff..

Change perfume / cologne?
Lol yes. I always do.

Get a new hairstyle?
Ayeeee. :D
I got hair that I can straighten.

Have a dramatic change in body shape?
Not.. Really... Im more curvy [in a womanly sort of way.]

Run a mile in less than 10 minutes?
HELLS NO.

Like Twlight?
.. LOL. Youre so funny. >.>

Go to the hospital?
Yeah. Too many times.

Break a bone?
Never have.

Trip over a coffe table?
DUH.

The Months of The Year

JANUARY

[ ] awful
[x] bad
[ ] alright
[ ] decent
[ ] good
[ ] awesome
Notes : I was all stressed, cause the end of the first semester was coming up, and I didn't know what to do. Sad. ):

FEBRUARY

[ ] awful
[ ] bad
[ ] alright
[ ] decent
[ ] good
[x] awesome
Notes : I had the most amazing boyfriend ever. My Valentines Day weekend was made of win. <3

MARCH

[x] awful
[ ] bad
[ ] alright
[ ] decent
[ ] good
[ ] awesome
Notes : Broke up with awesome boy. ):

APRIL

[ ] awful
[x] bad
[ ] alright
[ ] decent
[ ] good
[ ] awesome
Notes : School was stressful as fuck. Had a good and then bad relationship with April. She pwns, though.

MAY

[x] awful
[ ] bad
[ ] alright
[ ] decent
[ ] good
[ ] awesome
Notes : Suckfest.

JUNE

[] awful
[x] bad
[ ] alright
[ ] decent
[ ] good
[ ] awesome
Notes : School again. School is so suckish. And my birthday was disappointing.

JULY

[ ] awful
[x] bad
[ ] alright
[ ] decent
[ ] good
[ ] awesome
Notes : I dunno. I had time to do random shit. I ditched Simfinity. Thank god.

AUGUST

[ ] awful
[ ] bad
[ ] alright
[ ] decent
[x] good
[ ] awesome
Notes : I got on the right meds! :D Happy times ensued. Still was stressed about what to do about school.

SEPTEMBER

[ ] awful
[ ] bad
[ ] alright
[ ] decent
[ ] good
[x] awesome
Notes : Anacapa, Grand Canyon, awesomness! :D

OCTOBER

[ ] awful
[ ] bad
[ ] alright
[ ] decent
[ ] good
[x] awesome
Notes : More Anacapa, more awesomeness! That school, seriously.

NOVEMBER

[ ] awful
[ ] bad
[ ] alright
[ ] decent
[ ] good
[x] awesome
Notes : Weee! Got a 4.0!

DECEMBER

[ ] awful
[ ] bad
[ ] alright
[ ] decent
[ ] good
[x] awesome
Notes : Was stressful, school-wise, but in a good way.

Three Words To Sum Up The Year

1 - Life-changing.
2 - Unpredictable.
3 - Alyssa.

hay, holidays!

2008-12-20T23:44:00.000-08:00

Listening To : My "Puteri-ish Things." playlist.
--> Right now : I Dont Care -- Fall Out Boy
Activity[s] : Supposed to be writing Christmas cards. Not actually doing it.

Today is a very Alyssa day.
Its up and down. :p

I miss Puteri like you wouldn't believe.
She went to Malaysia for a month.
I told my dad two days before she left it would suck, and god damn it, it does.
She wont be back until January 8th. I'll be back in school before she's back!
God its so miserable.
I have so much shit to tell her, and I am never going to be able to, because there's WAY too much. And Im lazy.

My best frienddddd. I cannot have her GONE for a month!
Bitch! :D

She needs to be back.
Even though Im sure she's having a rockin' time, which is great. (:

Alyssa went Christmas shopping today!
Got some of the best gifts ever, too. xD

For Tom and Eileen [party central, those two!], I got disposable coasters, "featuring made up wine tasting quotes"!
There are six 'designs', and they are :

"Vigorous, well constructed, even a little bosomy!"
"Sprightly and gay with fruity character!"
"Plummy with strong thrusting overtones!"
"Wave after wave of buttery spice!"
"Elegant nose with a long and satisfying finish!"
"An explosion of blackberries and cranberry zing!"

Arent those the most amazing things ever?
Seriously.
I love them. I was laughing way too hard in the cheese shop. xD
[yes, the cheese shop. best place to buy random presents EVER.]

I also got cards. Lots of them.
From Papyrus!
Papyrus is the absolute shit, and I love it with a fiery passion.
Cause you know how much I love paper.
Handmade cards. That are mindblowingly awesome. Oh yeah.

I got cards for all my teachers [Gordon and Suzie have an exceptionally goregous one. It. Is. Stunning.], Dad and Kerri, Grandma Pat, and then other people. Like my mum, Grandma Judy, my friends.. Whoever strikes my fancy.
But that means I have to write them all.
And Im so lazy.

I heard this song in the car today.
Untouched, by The Veronicas.
The music is absolutely amazing. I love it so much.
It brought tears to my eyes.
ITS A FUCKING CELLO.

However. The awesome cello-ness is wasted on the shitty song.
Seriously.
The lyrics -- 'I feel so untouched' -- makes me think "What the fuck why dont you rape me!?"
Pathetic.
Absolutely pathetic.
It could be the most amazing gothic-ish, dark song ever. :D
Its still beautiful, though. Try and ignore the vocals, and its pwn. The first 10 seconds are nice. Rofl.

I was stuck thinking about Eric today.
I woke up this morning, and I smelled like him.
It was incredibly comforting and nice, but still. Feh.

I still dont know what to do about that.
Lol. Not like its some easy thing, I know.
Whateverrr. Hes so cute. Squee. ♥

Im going to send Cliff the greatest christmas card ever.
Hes going to be like ".. You're an idiot. But you rock & I love you!" [lol keep dreaming, Alyssa.]
But really. Ive been really.. sentimental. For like, months. xD
I appreciate everyone and everything.

-dances-
Tah. ♥

feh.

2008-12-19T23:25:00.000-08:00

Second post in less than half an hour.
edit : holy crap its been over an hour. Im on drugs.

I hate it when people make plans, and get me all excited.
So Im like "Oooh, Im so happy, Im doing ____ tomorrow!"
And my other friends are like "Awesome!"

And then the person Ive made plans with is like "Oh nevermind."
Or the plans fall through.
Or something.
The end result being I dont go.

Because then I feel stupid.
When people are like "HOW WAS ____?!"
And I have to say "Oh, I didnt go, lol. Didn't work out."

It happens way too much.
Makes me feel pathetic and antisocial.

Awh.

let me hear you screaming just for me.

2008-12-19T22:22:00.000-08:00

Listening To : Where The Moss Slowly Grows [Jade Puget Remix] -- Tiger Army
Activity[s] : Feeling bad, texting, making plans, msning. Yeah.

I have a nasty habit of doing things that just aren't good for my mental well being.
Case and point : this evening.

I went to my dad's company party, as I usually do, and what do you know.
Eric was there.
Which makes sense, considering both his parents work with my dad.
But still. I was like "OMG."

I havent seen him since the moving-out party across the street in like, August or whatever, so I was like "Aaah!"
I actually got mad at him just yesterday for not talking to me anymore, cause I missed him.
Go figure.

So anyway.
It was actually really frustrating.
You know me, Im not patient. My bitching about my trying to be patient in other matters should give that away.
So in my ideal world, I would have just kissed him, and then wrapped my arms around his waist and just not let go.
But nooo.
I had to play this silly game.

Because for whatever reason, he decided for a while to avoid me, and only me.
And I hate to be the desperate-looking one that follows people around, so I just.. didnt.
But then that didn't get me anywhere. At all.
Why do i always have to be the one to follow people? Cant anyone EVER follow ME instead?!

Anyway.
Finally solved that problem.
And then it was fun. ish.

He actually sat on me at one point, that was chill. xD
Seriously, whatever works, man.
He smelled really, really nice, too, so that was a plus.
Im so used to being sat on -- he was so light. But he wouldn't believe that he wasnt killing me. Of course. Guys. Pfft.

I could launch into detailed descriptions of all the little things that happened that i thought were sweet, but I wont, for your sake.
He was really sweet, though.

But the entire time I was freaking out.
Because he does have a girlfriend. Her name is Jessica, and that is all I know. I know, what kind of stalker am I?
Ive just gotten lazy, and I dont feel like looking her up, because it'll depress me.
And so yeah.
The entire time we're sitting there, it was obvious to anyone that we aren't just friends. [but we're not dating!]
And the guy whos house the thing was at, his daughter was there [obviously?].
And I guess Jessica is the background to Eric's phone, so at one point she's like "Your girlfriend?" and hes like "Yeah."
And then I kept getting this distinct feeling she thought.. Well Idont know what she thought.
But it couldnt have been good.

I mean seriously.
If you were sitting there, you know this guy has a girlfriend, and hes holding onto this completely different girl like theyre dating, wouldnt you be like "God hes an asshole, and she's a slut."?
Way to make an impression, Alyssa.

So thats my drama for today.
It was a nice way to end a day [no sarcasm!].
I miss that kid like hell.
But seriously. I hate the negative connotation to it.
And he still owes me a kiss. :p

you're my angel.

2008-12-08T20:04:00.000-08:00

Angel Mine

Cowboy Junkies
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L73VjMAUews]

He searched for those wings that he knew
that this angel should have at her back
And although he can't find them
he really don't mind
because he knows they'll grow back
And he reached for that halo that he knows
that she had when she first caught his eye
Although his hand came back empty
he's really not worried
'cause he knows it still shines

I can't promise that I'll grow those wings
or keep this tarnished halo shined
but I'll never betray your trust
angel mine

I search all the time on the ground
for our shadows cast side by side
Just to remind me that I haven't gone crazy
that you exist and are mine
And I know that your skin is as warm and as real
as that smile in your eyes
But I have to keep touching and smelling
and tasting for fear it's all lies

I can't promise that I'll grow those wings
or keep this tarnished halo shined
but I'll never betray your trust
angel mine

Last night I awoke from the deepest of sleeps
with your voice in my head
And I could tell by your breathing
that you were still sleeping
I repeated those words that you had said

I can't promise that I'll grow those wings
or keep this tarnished halo shined
but I'll never betray your trust
angel mine

♥

Before you say "WTF".
This was my dad and Kerri's wedding song.
I woke up with it stuck in my head this morning.
And it makes me unbelievably happy.

huh.

2008-12-01T23:55:00.000-08:00

Listening To : A Modern Myth -- 30 Seconds To Mars

I feel really guilty right now.

As you know, my computer is broken.
So dad finally called Dell, and they sent us a new keyboard [lol] and a Windows XP disc, so that we could reinstall the operating system.
However.
The sticker on the bottom of the computer with the Windows product key was put in the WORST PLACE POSSIBLE, because the fucking numbers wore off.
So I tried to see it, and figure out the numbers, but apparently Im fucking retarded and failed.

So now he has to buy a new product key for like, 200 bucks.
Yay Alyssa.

Hes like "This computer is a disaster for me."
Which makes me feel fantastic.

What a way to end a shitty day, eh?

i see nothing in your eyes.

2008-12-01T19:56:00.000-08:00

Listening To : Breath -- Breaking Benjamin
Eating : The most orgasmic Trader Joes meal ever -- a french 'tart' [pizza-esque] with ham and onions. Its. A. Maz. Ing.
Drinking : Alyssa-style gourmet hot chocolate.

. you take the breath right out of me.
. you left a hole where my heart should be.

I had a ridiculous day today.
I didn't sleep last night, obviously, so I had that added loveliness.
But I also didn't eat.
Nothing since dinner last night. Only coffee. About 5 cups of it.

You saw, briefly, what was going through my head post-poetry, but I wasnt like that all night, I promise.
I spent a long time watching movie preview spoofs and college humor videos. It was way too much fun. xD
I felt like I was rotting my brain, but thats cool.
It was a lot more amusing than working on my Literature essay like I was 'supposed' to be doing.

Anyway.
The change was sparked by my random decision to both listen to 'emo' music, and check up on dA.
Bailey had posted a journal, featuring 13 artists she really liked.
And the first two were poets.
I randomly picked one, and boy did I choose right.

I ended up looking at Amertie's gallery for a while, reading her poems, and sinking into this awesome trance state.
I get like that, you know.
I actually rather like it. I think super logically when Im like that.
She's truly amazing, though. Really.
http://amertie.deviantart.com/ <-- Click! So yeah. I showed up at school singing Breaking Benjamin, looking fucking goregous, and having snapped back into a good, non-trancelike mood.
Where I proceeded to be silly. xD

But even though I was in my typical, bubbly, i-didnt-sleep-last-night mood, I was really thoughtful all day.
I kept finding excuses to look at people [cough] and just like. Think.
I do that from time to time.
Its really pretty magical.

. i see nothing in your eyes.
. and the more i see, the less i like.

Oh speaking of which.
Its impossible to know whether or not the effort I put into myself was noticed.
The kid makes no sense, ever.
I was talking to Leah, and Im like "Dude I never have any idea what the hell he's even doing."
And shes like "I KNOW. Its kind of odd."
So whatever. xD
I retained my beauty, though. ;D When I got home, my face still looked halfway decent.

BUT GYM.
Gym sucked.
See, last time, Jason informed me that I had a B.
So today I was freaked out, and put a lot of effort into it.
But the downside was I still hadnt had anything to eat but coffee, really.
Funnnn.
I was dizzy half the time, and by the end, I was physically shaking.
Like, vibrating.

Leah, Preston and I had a lovely walk back, though. ;D
Its pretty amusing. He's pretty amusing, I mean.

"So then why are you sixteen, and in tenth grade?"
"Cause its my second year of tenth grade."
"Wh.. What? Really? How did that happen?"
"Its a long story."
"I have time. Well not really. But hit me."

Silly, I tell you.

I stayed after school for a bit to harass Katy in History office hours, that was fun.
And then I got home and died.
I went up and went to bed and slept for two hours. xD
And then came down to eat..
And here I am!

. is it over yet?
. i cannot win.

oh, forget me not.

2008-12-01T06:54:00.001-08:00

Ive decided Im not some fantastic, poetic person.
I dont have a brilliant personality, the kind songs and poems showcase.
I dont say anything witty, like "The present's just a pleasant interruption to the past", because Im afraid of the future.
I approach life in my own way, but Im nothing brilliantly unique.
And at the same time, I am terribly individual, and different.
And Im okay with that.

Its the small things I love.
On Mother's Day, I went down to visit my aunt and uncle. Childless. They're still young.
He had bought her a box of truffles for Mother's Day.
I jokingly asked why, for they don't have any children.
And he replied "She's a mother to our cats," with a smile.
Small things are the best.
The things you don't even notice right away, and its not until you're bored, writing a letter to an acquaintance at best, and your mind is wondering, that you realize that there was someone behind that lovely coincidence, and they did it out of love.
The little, tiny, minuscule things that seem to stick with you the longest.

I hate the fruitless way in which I do things.
I just spent a good 45 minutes on my appearance.
Trying to look perfect for someone who wouldn't notice if I came to school missing an arm.
As I do my eyeshadow, I try to think that I dont give him enough credit, but then my mind shouts back, "Of course you do!", and Im left at a standstill.

We often have the conversation about how a girl will want someone similar to her father or brother in the end.
The personality of that family member is one we admire, so its only natural.
My dad automatically notices when my stepmum or I do anything special.
When he comes down to take me to school, he will say "You look nice today, Sauce."
To which I will offer my smile, and, after this, thank him for noticing. I dont thank him enough in general.
So is it so awful for me to want someone to notice the things I do?

Im off to fufill all my responsibilities as a teenager;
mainly school, but I have to put away some dishes as well.

But I leave in a weird state of mind, as should be apparent.
Im not really sure what it is I want right now.
And Im hoping I'll figure it out.

8 People I Couldn't Live Without

2008-11-28T13:44:00.000-08:00

Ive done this before, in January. [link]
I really like doing it, too.
So in the spirit of Thanksgiving, Im gonna do thisss shit. (:

My family [mum, dad, stepmum, brothers, sister, grandparents, cousins, etc.] don't count. For real this time.
These are not in order.
The people in my life that mean everything to me.
The people I would drop everything for.
The people I would donate a kidney to without second thought.
The people I would die for.

PEOPLE I COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT

1. Puteri
On the list once again.
This girl. She's amazing, nice, amusing as hell, loves music as much as I do.
She remembers all the little things I tell her, whether or not theyre inherently important.
She's always willing to talk to me, and help me through things.
She's incredibly supportive of me, and I try to be the same for her.
I don't know where I'd be without this girl -- she's supported me throughout everything in the past year.
She may be in New Zealand, but like fuck I care. She's the best best friend I could ask for.

2. April
I love her with all my heart. I really do. So she's on my list again.
She's saved my life twice, and although I've done the same for her, I still owe her everything.
Ive dated her, and I will forever love her, even if it didn't work out.
I can always count on her to bring a smile to my face, but also to support me when I need help.
She's not perfect, and has trials and tribulations of her own, but we are good at helping eachother out at the same time.
I would definitely die if she did, because I cannot imagine living in this world without her.
I know she's gonna do some amazing things with her life.

3. Cliff
It was a lie, not to have him on the last 'edition'.
Definitely one of my best friends. We talk every day of our lives, about everything and anything.
I love him to death, and he returns the favor. We're mostly okay with it.
We have our problems, and have more than enough disagreements and arguments, but whatever.
Even when we're screaming at eachother, he's still one of my best friends, and I wouldn't trade him for the world
Over the last year, he has integrated himself into my life in such a way that I would be completely lost if he wasnt there.
And Im happy with that.

4. Kate
Proof that randomly complimenting people gets you places.
Kate is one of the most amazing people ever to live. Seriously.
I randomly started talking to her after she said how awesome she thought I was, and now she's one of my best friends.
She has an awesome taste in music, an awesome personality, and is just flat out amazing.
She's always willing to talk with me and help me through anything, whether or not I think I want to talk about it.
She's supported me in more ways than I think even she knows.
She brings a smile to my face every time I talk to her, and conducts herself in an amazing way.
She's down to earth and lovely and I love her to death.

5. Johny
Still on my list. (:
We have gotten past our random arguments on the basis of our morals, which is amazing, because I hated it.
He's awesome, and knows what he believes in and sticks by it, and just that alone is inspiring.
He's caring and thoughtful and watches out for and worries about me -- Im more thankful for that than I let on.
Hes always so excited to talk to me, and brings a smile to my face.
Im still amazed he puts up with all my teenage-girl drama, but whatever.
Ive been talking to him the longest out of any of these people, and Im happy about it. (:

6. Emma
The first of the people on this list from Anacapa.
Emma. I dont even know what I can say.
She's always willing to help me through anything, and is probably one of the most thoughtful people on the planet.
She is genuine, and is always looking out for everyone.
At the same time, she's one of the craziest people Ive met [and thats saying something], and we fit together perfectly.
She is great, and we have fun acting like lesbians and talking about the incredibly random people we like. Its magical.
Im really, unbelievably happy I met her, and wouldn't know what to do if she poofilated.
I definitely love this girl, she's fantabulous. (:

7. Wishiah
Second Anacapa person. O: I love that the people I've met there mean so much to me.
Wishiah is great. Seriously.
She's a happy, easy-going person. She looks at things as rationally as she can, and conducts herself in an amazing way.
She's fantastic to talk to, either jokingly or about real, serious things.
She's crazy creative, and we're writing the best story ever. Its sexy.
I find it impossible to be mad at her, and I think thats awesome -- I hate being mad.
She always brings a smile to my face, and I would happily stay up all night talking to her about god knows what.

8. Eric
My pet asian. He's pretty freaking great, too.
I love him to death [it seems like I love everyone..], and I really wish he lived just a little bit closer. Oh welll. ):
I would date him in an instant, I really would.
He's great to talk to -- the sweetest guy ever. He definitely makes me smile.
I hardly ever see him, but whatever. He's still fantabulous.
He is really understanding about everything -- I can tell him anything, and he doesn't hate me.
Awesome.

I love my friends.
I could never live without them.
Ever.

I will not cry.

2008-11-18T00:00:00.001-08:00

shinin' down on youuuuu.

2008-11-09T12:45:00.000-08:00

Listening To : Cry For You -- September ;; Dont Let Me Down -- Nightcore
Drinking : Cold coffee.
Activity[s] : Catching up on downloading music ; history homework ; msn

Apparently.
I look like / should be a ballet dancer.
According to like, everyone.
Michael Towbes, the Lovelace family, the owner of the State Street Ballet, one of the actual dancers, the pianist... Christopher Lancashire. xD
Seriously.
I was just like "... Really, now?"
Because apparently I am so graceful.
Even though I nearly fell on the way back to the car. xD Sexy.

BUT YEAH.
DUDE.
The State Street Ballet, which is Santa Barbara's ballet company, got a new studio.
The Gail Towbes Center of Dance.
Gail Towbes.. Awh. it was so sweet. She was Michael Towbes's wife, who died of cancer some 7 or 8 years ago. ):
And she like, loved dance. Loved it.
And the Towbes family is richer than god, as my grandma would say.
So they built this sexy new studio.
So we went to the grand opening party last night. Invitation only, baby!

And Alyssa met Michael Towbes.
Who was so fucking nice I nearly died.
I ended up eating cupcakes with him and his wife Anne.
And the cupcakes were delicious. xD

Apparently I move with grace.
I dunno about that.

But last night was fun.
I love being my grandma's granddaughter.
I get to party with all the amazingly rich, influential people in the world of Santa Barbara's culture.
Its lovely. (:
I also get to see all this amazing dance and music and shizz, so thats fun. xD

Lets see what else.
OH I KNOW.
OKAY. SO.
HERE WE GO.
ALYSSA'S FRIENDS AT ANACAPA.
SO YOU ALL KNOW WHATS GOIN' DOWNNNN.

Holy Shiznit, You Have Friends?

Heavens, I really do. Some freaking awesome ones, too.
Seriously? I dont know what I'd do without these people.
Without them, my time at Anacapa so far would be sucking. Majorly.
So, pretty much stealing Wishiah's idea, here we go. The people I bug the shit out of every day.

Wishiah

To put it simply, she's pretty rocking. But thats as simple as I could possibly be.
Its also really hard to find a picture of her where she looks somewhat normal. Sorry,Wishiah. xD ♥
This chick had turned out to be pretty much amazing? Seriously. I talk to her on the phone WAY too much. Not that Im complaining, cause it pretty much fucking rocks. Even when she's torturing me by calling people I cannot recognize. How sad. xD
But really. She was the first person in my grade [thats tenth, silly people] who I actually talked to. She was my hiking buddy on the first hike in the Grand Canyon. And she was one of the two people who took the time to explain who everyone was to me -- patiently. That was fucking rad.
Wishiaaaah. Everyone loves this chick -- and her name. Even my dad.
She's showed up at my house at 7 in the morning before. That was the best Halloween morning ever. xD Even if I couldn't open the door.
I feel like, even though she's a crazy layday [in the best of ways!], I can count on her to be there, whether or not I think I want her to be.
She's a pretty kickass friend, and dude. She's hilarious.

Emma

Emma. There aren't even words, dude. I cant think of any that properly explain how great this chick is.
Lets see. She's amusing as hell. She's super caring and wonderful. She buys me pumpkin spice lattes?! You can't beat that, dude.
Somehow we ended up hanging out like, constantly in Arizona. I can't remember why or how, but dude. It went from "Oh, Im Alyssa.", to us singing Youre Too Big To Fit In Here at the lookout point thing.
I dont even know.
Anyway. She too has turned out to be fantastic. It makes me sad she's not in 10th grade with the rest of us, cause she might as well be in our circle of friends. I dont even know what Id do without her.
The one day I was an absolute mess, she was there for me in so many ways. I am forever in debt to this chick, whether or not she realizes it.
Apparently we're married, so thats pretty sexy. And she licks skulls.
Amazing. Im so fucking happy I know this girl. Her, and her mum's penis car. ♥

Lazy. I will finish this. Later. ;D

looking back.

2008-10-30T22:12:00.001-07:00

I wrote a poem in Creative Writing today.
First poem Ive written in nearly a year.

I was reading -- and actually reflecting on -- the stuff I wrote on like, October 9th, 13, and November 22.

So here you go.
Im not really that proud of it. But whatever.
I tried to be sincere.

I look back.
And I can see my soul.
The little marks.
The marks that made me fall into bed sobbing.
Made me incapable of composure.
Incapable of breathing.
Incapable of thought.
Unable to even live.

Every emotion.
Every thought.
Every last sensation.
Are all so perfectly imprinted upon my memory.
And all I need.
To go back there, to that place.
Are some words.
Words on a page.
Written in darkness.

The eloquence.
The insight.
The grace that touched my writing.
Vanished with everything.
With the raw emotions that held me.
With the desperate need for truth.
Everything.
But still leaving these memories.

We dance around them.
We never speak of it.
You'd deny it to the ends of the earth.
I never would.

I said I'd try to forget.
I also said I wouldn't.
Negative predictions always materialize.
I have tried.
And I have failed.

Around.
Endlessly, around.
You refuse to acknowledge.
I refuse to force you to.
And so those crazy words.
The ones we once said?
Now never to be said again.

Love.
Is it still wanting happiness?
Not for me, but for you?
My perception never shifts.

Love.
It has become all-too-familiar.
It is an awful kind of torture.
But I love it.
I love you. Forever.

I also think I did okay on my historyyy.

Welcome. To the Italian Renaissance.

2008-10-30T00:31:00.000-07:00

Listening To : Pandora Trance Station
Drinking : Coffee!
Activity : History Essay Planning [as well as msn.]

SO. Im going to edit this throughout the night with various and sundry things I discover on wikipedia as Im planning my essay.
So.
Get ready for a lot of random Renaissance facts.
Like, really random.

facts 1 - 3 : added at 1.01 am

Renaissance Fact 1 : Filippo Brunelleschi and Donatello [Donato di Niccolò di Betto Bardi] were good friends.

In case you dont know.
Brunelleschi : Did the super-sexy dome on the Basilica di Santa Maria di Fiore in Florence. Biggest dome in the wooorld, baby!
Donatello : Had a teenage mutant ninja turtle named after him. [more important than what follows.. xD] Created the bronze David [sculpture].

They did all sorts of things together.
Like.
x. Went and studied ancient ruins in Rome
- Brunelleschi for his architecture [of the dome!]
- Donatello for his sculpture
x. Made little models of the dome together

From what Ive learned, they both had rather volatile personalities.
Donatello was very untrusting, and Brunelleschi was very.. Easily angered?

Renaissance Fact 2 : Donatello's David Has A Really Small Penis

Its like a little baby carrot!
Seriously!
Go examine it, or something.
Its miniiiii. Mini penis!
I told my dad, and he goes "You know, you have a point. A lot of Renaissance art has their men rather lacking in size. Maybe they just weren't well hung back then?"
I laughed so hard. xD

Renaissance Fact 3 : Raphael Died From Having Sex

Yes. Raphael. The one the ninja turtle is named after.
He died. From having too much sex. xD

"According to Vasari, Raphael's premature death on Good Friday (April 6, 1520) (possibly his 37th birthday), was caused by a night of excessive sex with Luti, after which he fell into a fever and, not telling his doctors that this was its cause, was given the wrong cure, which killed him."
[Luti = Raphael's mistress.]

Kate goes ".. ABSTAIN, KIDS!"

But honestly? Who wouldn't want to do that? That is what I call sexy.
Oh yeaaaah.
-dies laughing-

fact 4 : added at 2.36 am

Renaissance Fact 4 : Giuliano de' Medici's ILLEGITIMATE son became Pope Clement VII.

Okay so I know this one seems pretty random.
I guess I could stand to tell you who Giuliano was.
So there were these two brothers, Lorenzo and Giuliano. Lorenzo was the eldest.
On Easter Sunday, 1478, he was stabbed to death [19 times!] in the Duomo [cathedral] of Florence by Pazzi [rival family] conspirators. They tried to kill his brother.. And failed.
And Lorenzo went on to become Lorenzo the Magnificent, and was patron to such artists as Michelangelo [whom he took into his own home], Da Vinci, Botticelli, and others.
So now that you have background.

When his brother was murderized, Lorenzo adopted his illegitimate son.
Who went on to become a pope.

A POPE.
A love-child!

facts 5 & 6 : added at 5.30 am

Renaissance Fact 5 : Giorgio Vasari loved to gossip -- even in his biographies of artists.

Gosh.
The world is obsessed with gossiping.
How silly. xD
Though now I want to read it, and see what he says about everyone.
ESPECIALLY BRUNELLESCHI AND DONATELLO. LOL.

Renaissance Fact 6 : Michelangelo was a perfectionist.

Yeah, thats right.
If there was one flaw in his work, he considered it ruined.
So there ya go.
Im not crazy -- Im like Michelangelo.
That makes me feel better about myself, though. Yay! Like.
Im not the only one. Rofl. Well, I know Im not.
But Michelangelo!

advertising practice?

2008-10-29T00:22:00.000-07:00

Listening To : Cliff & Miley

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-guitar solo-

2008-10-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

Listening To : 37 mm - AFI ; Dead Is The New Alive - Emilie Autumn ; Where'd You Go - Fort Minor
Eating : Quiche
Drinking : Orange Juice
Activity[s] : Procrastinating, MSN, surfing the NaNoWriMo site as always.

I finished my bio just now, so i figure I can blog. ;D

Today was so. much. better. than yesterday.
It was amazing, lol.
Morale of that storyyy? Dont let Alyssa skip her meds. Ever.

I decided what I am going to do my history essay on last night, and told Gordon about it today.
And he was like "That sounds awesome. I cannot wait."
So of course I was like "PARTY."
So what is the essay about?
How Florentine Renaissance-era architecture reflected the driving forces of the Renaissance itself.
Featuring: The Duomo, the Uffizi Gallery, the Academia, the de' Medici family, Giorgio Vasari, and others.

It should be pretty chill.

Anywaaay.
We went to Wetzels Pretzels today for lunch.
That was fun. xD
At our sleepover extravaganza, Wishiah had this crazy dream.
To make it short, there was an orgy going on in the room next door, it was shaking the wall, and the tv fell on Suzie and she died. And then Dillon walked out of the room, followed by like, 20 people.
So anyway.
We were talking about that today at lunch.
And a variety of other strange things. Pubes, at one point. Dunno why.

OH AND TODAY IN CREATIVE WRITING.
I had fun, rofl.
But. But. I planned out the main character of my novel. ;D
I only have like, THREE MORE DAYS.
Three!
Gaaaah. So intense. Im all worried. xD

I also decided how Im going to end James and Marco, so thats good.
Im thinking James will go "Oh, hes hot."
And Marco will just be like "Huh? Yeah, I guess so?"
Like, just be totally cool about it. ;D

What else.
Nothing, really.

WHERE'D YA GO. I MISS YOU SO. SEEMS LIKE ITS BEEN FOREVER. SINCE YOU. BEEN. GONE.
I randomly thought of that song, so randomly listened to it.
Thats why there are three different songs at the top. xD
37 mm is stuck in my head, Dead Is The New Alive is playing, and yeah.
PARTY.
I love music. lolol.

My dad was like "Why dont you listen to music on the walk to school?"
And I gave him this crazy stare, and was all "... BECAUSE I DONT HAVE A MUSIC PLAYER."
And hes like "Oh, haha. Well, what about that teal ipod?"
Referring to my ipod mini. FROM SEVENTH GRADE. Like, 5 years ago.
So Im like "Mmhmm, with its CRAZY five minute battery life! Id get far. Why do you think I want a Zune?"
And he said something stupid I cannot remember. xD
But seriously.
Im still trying to save up money for a Zune.
.. Let me go see how much I have.
[5 minutes later] $44! Thats so fucking /lame/. Rofl. I fail so hard. x___X
Someday. Someday I shall have the $200. No day soon, though, apparently.

Okay and last thing. I wanted to share this poem with you. I really like it.

Daddy's Womb - Carl H., NY

i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.

So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.

i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.

The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.

i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.

i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.

Isnt that interesting?
I thought it was, personally. I dunno what about it, though.
I just really like it.

So with that.
I bid ye adieu.

a casket built for two.

2008-10-28T16:35:00.000-07:00

Dead Is The New Alive
Emilie Autumn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjiU-wR1Wlg

Dead is the new alive
Despair's the new survival
A pointless point of view
Give in, give in, give in, give in
You play the game
You'll never win

Dead is the new alive
Life's only living rival
A casket built for two
Give in, give in, give in, give in
You play the game
You'll never win

So take me now or take me never
I won't wait
You're already late
So say goodbye or say forever
Choose your fate
How else can we survive?
Dead is the new alive

Dead is the new alive
A gothic play revival
The last act of the show
Give in, give in, give in, give in
You play the game
You never win

So take me now or take me never
I won't wait
You're already late
So say goodbye or say forever
Choose your fate
How else can we survive?
Dead is the new alive

What is a day without a blessed night?
And what is peace without a blessed fight?
What is a day without a blessed night?
And what is peace without a blessed, blessed, blessed fight?
A quick taste of the poison, a quick twist of the knife
When the obsession with death
The obsession with death becomes a way of life
A quick taste of the poison, a quick twist of the knife
When the obsession with death
The obsession with death becomes a way of life

Alive, alive alive
Oh oh oh oh oh
Alive, alive, alive
Oh oh oh oh oh